In the End
I was a thirteen year old girl lying on the floor of my Aunt’s house in Wuse 2, when the video for In the End came on the television on MTV.
I had never heard of Linkin Park, but from the moment I heard Chester Bennington sing those words, I felt a resonance that made me a lifelong fan.
I bought Meteora on my second summer holiday in America the next year. Linkin Park’s music helped me get through years of bullying in Loyola, and even after I had banished all music from my life years later, theirs were the only songs I could still listen to, and they delivered me through severe depression and endless months of feeling suicidal. No doubt this is the same for many others. After all, 87% of kids have seen cyberbullying taking place online, and many have undergone this themselves, so having these kinds of comforts can be a great help.
So when I saw Linkin Park trending number one worldwide online today, and found out that Chester had committed suicide, it pierced my heart because I know that struggle, I know how many times I thought I would lose, and I can’t believe depression defeated him in the end.
My heart is broken for you, Chester.
I’ve cried so hard tonight, and this hurts so much.
I’m so sad that someone who helped so many people around the world like me make it through the dark, couldn’t find that light for himself.
I’m heartbroken that he was unable to find a treatment that worked. I know so many people have started using cannabis to alleviate the symptoms of depression and I can’t help but wonder why Chester didn’t do the same.
He was even living in California, where every adult Californian can now legally grow up to 6 marijuana plants. You can find all the answers to questions like ‘when does flowering start outdoors?’ online, so I can’t think why he didn’t give it a try.
I used to tell myself when I was in Loyola, sobbing alone in the toilets, wishing I was dead, that someday I would leave this place, and things would finally get better.
After I left, I met Bakura, and of course, as everyone now knows, things got a lot worse.
What’s happened today reminds me that even though money and success can physically remove you from the external causes of pain and suffering in your life which contribute to your misery, nothing can separate you from the internal torment that lingers long after actions and words from once trusted people have broken and damaged you. In the very worst of cases, it stops you from thinking sensibly, even thinking about things that could help protect you, like is long term disability worth it, especially if you are unable to work because you are so consumed by your thoughts that you can’t think of anything else.
Nothing but a mental and emotional battle that a lot of us feel like we’re losing, something Chester must have also felt.
Nothing but winning that battle will free you, or nothing but death.
I’m sorry that you couldn’t hold on anymore, Chester.
I never met you but I loved you so much, and your music made my life brighter in a world that was and still is very, very dark.
May all your pain melt away, and nothing but happiness remain.
Love from the fourteen year old Nigerian girl I once was, and the woman I am now.