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I watched an old woman kill herself

I’m tired of struggling.

The rest of my life feels like an interminably long time and I keep wondering if I die will I go to hell?

And is the hell there worse than the hell here? 

Some part of my mind says how can you say you are in hell, you are surrounded by things people want, but heaven or hell are not made up of things but of happiness or sorrow, peace or turmoil, pleasure or torment and my life is the latter.

I keep dreaming of fading away, and I think if I was alone in the world I’d disappear right now, right this second. The only thing tethering me to this world at this point is duty.

The duty of an only child.

Maybe I’m a hypocrite for not wanting to die of something like cancer or some other disease, or in a plane crash as I so often dream I will, but it’s natural to want to control the means of my own death, at least, control freak that I am, it is to me. But in the end, please stop this ride, I want to get off.

What despairs me the most isn’t how unhappy I am or how unhappily I’ve lived, but that every time I have hoped and made an attempt to grasp happiness it’s blown up in my face only to fling me backwards into deeper sadness than I had fought with everything to escape. My trust in people is forever destroyed.

So slowly, I’ve shed my hopes, and right now there is nothing left and a lifetime of nothing seems like an unbearable eternity to me and I can’t live like this.

I watched this old lady in Belgium die because her daughter did and she had nothing left to live for.

She chose to get euthanized and the doctor gave her two options: lethal injection or a syrup laden with an overdose of barbiturates.

She chose the syrup.

At first, I thought she wouldn’t go through with it, but she took the cup from the doctor and drank it down. She was sure, her hand was steady, and for the first time, she seemed happy.

Watching her, even though I knew I was watching someone kill herself, I felt this flood of relief.

It was realizing there’s actually a place you can go, and it’s so simple and in a moment, maybe two, the suffering is over for good.

I always thought I would never return to this terrible place, but now that I’m here, my single comfort is that at least there’s a way out.

At least there’s Bruxelles.



There are 10 comments

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  1. Kiru

    Sugabelly, I really couldn’t read this and not leave you a message of hope. Depression is a bitch and I wished I had the right words for you.
    I just want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s someone here to listen. I’m here for you. You can contact me. My details are in the link.

    There are also professionals who are ready to take your call and talk to you confidentially without judgement or bias. I’m not sure what country you’re in at the moment but here are the numbers I have for #SuicideAwareness
    US 1-800-273-TALK
    UK 0800 0234 650
    NG 0817 491 3329

    Please, hang in there and talk to someone.

  2. Yetunde

    Hello Sugabelly,

    I’ve been a fan of your work for some years now. I’ve never left a comment, but reading this frightened me. I just wanted you to know that I care about you and I pray that you will be relieved of depression, and you find the will and the need to live in this world soon.

    God be with you! I care about you and God bless you!

    Take care,
    Yetunde

  3. Sir Farouk

    I do get the sense of relief when the woman was able to end the pain. As much as some people subscribe to that where there is life there is hope mantra, it makes sense for people to have the right to end it when they wish. I have contemplated such long ago. I also wondered what would be my legacy and if anyone will even know I was gone and that sense of duty as an only child then also kicked in. As much I wanted to end it, I didn’t want to break my parents hearts. Now that I am better, I believe it is right choice not that there is a wrong one. Life is about choices and we all have the right to make ours. Find an atom of happiness and cling to it.

  4. Zaene

    Maybe I’ve been desensitized, but I kind of read through this post half-heartedly. It wasn’t until I got to the comments section that the gravity of what you wrote really hit me. I’m really sorry that you are going through this phase again and I pray that the strength and grace that saw you through before will come through for you again.

    Try to do what brings you joy. Write, draw, watch your favorite shows, speak with friends and family that you know have nothing but love for you. Reach out to the helplines that Kiru suggested and always remember that all the things that happened to you are not your fault. You are beautiful, worthy and deserving of an amazing life just as He intended. I’m sending you warm and fuzzy virtual hugs.

    And a big shoutout to those who reach out to encourage/help those that are in pain or in need, instead of just walking on by. Kiru, Yetunde and Sir Farouk, you are the real MVPs and you have inspired me today!

  5. David

    Truly our lives will all end, whether we crave for it or not. And “what is the meaning of life” has been a question asked through the ages. We all look for happiness as we toil and labour. Gifts and talents are not even guarantees of joy. There is only one answer for it – “vanity”. I believe our craving for joy is so deep that only God can fill it.

    But there is hope. Christ is the hope of glory. I always get excited when I think of a verse in the Bible “Behold what manner of love the Father has lavished on us. That we should be called the children of God” – 1John 3:1

    Please check out these two FREE books. you will love them

    1. Don’t Waste your Life (John Piper) – http://www.desiringgod.org/books/dont-waste-your-life
    2. Mere Christianity (CS Lewis) – https://www.dacc.edu/assets/pdfs/PCM/merechristianitylewis.pdf

  6. Concerned anonymous

    Please don’t kill your self. Seek help and consider voluntary hospitalization if that would help!
    Also know that there are other people, randoms like me who care that you exist and hope that you keep living.
    Please oh don’t die abeg of you

  7. Busaki

    Concerned Anonymous, voluntary hospitalisation will most likely not help her in the long run. It might just make things worse, by putting her on a lifetime of dependency on drugs that she has to pay for, which is never a good thing.

    Sugabelly, in addition to what the others have said, please consider meditation. Choose an area which reminds you of peace and serenity. Open parks and grasslands with a few people there are good options. Take some minutes to completely unload everything in your mind until you are able to think of nothing and just on controlling your breathing. If you are able to be consistent, it will help you in finding hope again.

    I cannot truly know how you feel, but I have considered taking my life in the past due to excessive bullying over the years, which led me to change my secondary school 3 times. I never attempted it, but the closest I got to was placing a knife on my bed. I eventually slept off that night and the knife fell in between the spaces in my bed, and I only found it a few months later when I was feeling better. I threw the knife away.

    What I am trying to say is that even though I was experiencing heavy amounts of depression, and loved ones around me never stood up for me, I was eventually able to find hope in my life again. I’m not sure what exactly helped me (as I never went to the hospital and school counselling sessions did not help me, although they may work for you), but I did practice meditation every day at sunset, I did draw excessive amounts of artworks, I did create so many poems and songs expressing my despair, I stayed away from negative people as much as possible (so drastic as to change schools), and I spoke to my mum (trusted person) about how I was feeling. I’m sure there were other things, but I believe these things helped me a lot and made me regain my confidence and hope. My drawings gradually became full of life, my poems and songs bursting with love and possibility.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel, Sugabelly, please believe me. Scars may never go away, but they do fade over time. Surround yourself with everything that gives you hope and joy, and rid yourself of everything that causes you pain. Please continue holding on, and I wish you love on your journey.

  8. Sophie

    Dear Sugabelly,

    I visit this page occasionally to see how you’re doing or what you’ve written recently.

    First of all I think you’re so brave and even if you don’t know it you give so many people hope.
    I cant fathom what you’re going through and I won’t even pretend to. I think you need a real friend. Someone that gets you and isn’t judgmental of your struggles or anything about you. Even if it’s just a pal that you can write to and vent to without any fear of criticism. You could send me an email if you like and we could communicate generally. I would like to help any way I can

    Suicide is not the way and I’m glad you still have something tethering you here cause honestly you still have alot of voice left in you.


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