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Nighttime Thoughts of Rape – Part 2

I think I accidentally stepped into something and now I can’t go back.

Somehow documenting this is the only thing that’s helping to quell the absolute fury that’s threatening to engulf me this month.

I’ve been so, so angry lately and I can’t put my finger on precisely why.

I have so many things bottled up inside, but right now, this is the only way it’s starting to come out.



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  1. jam

    I am fed up of this culture of suppression as the norm. I am also fucking tired of those mums who breed such devils and demons to rape other people’s daughter psychological abuse them. It’s sick and disgusting those mums encourage such men to marry and have a family, without a psychological evaluation and help. Those same mums would curse you and tell you, their son is perfect, meanwhile the raised beast. Those types of bad seeds need not be planted on this earth, but be made extinct.

  2. Rwen

    Dear Lotanna,

    Some of what I’ll say might make sense to you, some of it might not.

    I don’t know you but I have read through your blog and I follow you on twitter. Mustapha and his friends took advantage of you. They raped you. They should not have.

    As I listen to your voice over the podcast I can tell that they not only raped your body, they raped your very soul.

    They took advantage of your vulnerability and innocence. You were in a place of extreme vulnerability, not just because you were 17 and dating a man much older but because, unfortunately, your cup of love and affection was not as full as it should have been. You might argue that you had all of this and more at home but please hear me out.

    There’s a difference between the concept of fatherhood and the individual experiences we each have with our biological fathers (or whoever takes their place when they’re not there). From when we’re born as little girls we yearn for “manliness” and for the love and attention that our fathers provide. A love that is unconditional, all-encompassing and divine. A love, that we cannot be “too damaged”, “too ugly”, “too complicated”, “too needy” or “too difficult” to attain.

    Whether our earthly fathers gave us this love or not, the concept of fatherhood is not about choice. It’s about a man becoming a father because his child now exists. It’s about a man being obligated to love and care for his child and doing so willingly, lovingly and gratefully. It’s about a child knowing that even if everyone deserts me, my father would be on my side and would hold me close. Even if everyone misunderstands me and calls me a liar, my father would understand me and believe me. It’s about a child knowing that even if everyone thinks I am ugly and unlovable, my father loves me and sees only beauty in me because whenever he looks at me, all he sees is a reflection of himself.

    I heard about you for the first time when your story broke last year. Your other blog posts eventually confirmed the suspicions I had while reading your article on Mustapha and how he and his friends raped you. I could tell you grew up without a father.

    It was something about the way you desperately loved Mustapha and wanted so badly to be with him. It was clear you had yearnings for love and affection that were way beyond what Mustapha could ever fulfill. Unfortunately, in his warped mind, he took advantage of those yearnings. He took advantage of your innocence and your vulnerability. He left you feeling used, exploited, abandoned and rejected.

    I can hear the anger in some of your tweets and in some of your articles. The pain. The despair.

    But…

    It’s beyond what Mustapha and his friends did to you. it’s much deeper than what they did. You keep coming back to what they did because it reminds you of what was done to you many years before…. when your daddy broke your heart. The pain is different but the emotions and questions are similar.

    It’s way beyond what Mustapha and his friends did to you.

    It’s about not being chosen and accepted by the one man who should have loved you wholly, completely and unconditionally. The one man who should have shielded and protected you…. the one man who should have been proud of you and should have provided you memories that money could never buy nor the pain of even a gang rape fade away.

    It’s about being ignored and abandoned by the one man who should have been there to wipe your tears, defend your idiosyncrasies, laugh at your jokes and smile at your creativity.

    It’s about not being seen by the one man who should have looked at you every day and seen in you not just beauty but the very reflection of himself.

    You know what Lotanna, there’s still a Father somewhere. There is the Father.

  3. anon

    lotanna,

    what you went through can not be imagined. its horrid dear and i believe you and support you. i found myself in a situation also i was a jambite in the university at 18yrs old..never had sex..never been kissed..my mom never discussed anything sex to me..i met an older guy in university about 24 years old and he took complete advantage of me..in the name of love..before i could count my teeth i had lost my virginity…i innocently got pregnant he took me for a painful abortion and continued sleeping with me….his friends of same age i later discovered were dating girls of my age..innocent jambites..guess it was a game plan for them all…all the manipulations..it got to a point i felt being with him was all that i needed..it was life itself…..it took God to pull me out of that unholy relationship where i lost my selfworth…my academics suffered…..he never shared me with his friends but till date…i shudder when i remember and cant stop loathing him….

    when people say why did u keep going back…i understand girl…u just keep going back…


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