nightsinourhouse

Nights in Our House

When I first moved into my flat, it was with the imagination that it would soon be filled with friends and family and be a place of warmth and love and happiness.

In the almost two years I have lived here however, it has remained cold and empty, and fewer than three people have come through the door in all that time.

A year ago, I fell deeply in love, and I set about decorating this place, hoping that the man I loved would come here, and even if just for a few days or weeks at a time, this would be our home together, and he would fill it with happiness, and laughter, and the warmth of our love.

Now that I know he will never come here, I hate this place and every thing in it. This place where the dreams I shared with him were birthed and have died, I hoped to call home with him has become my prison, and all I want is to get as far away from here as I possibly can, but I can’t.

So, I’ve decided that the only thing I can do for myself, is make it so if I ever need to escape, I can get up and go.

A body healthy enough and strong enough to just go.

Enough money that I can always walk away.

I’ve put our house that was supposed to be our safe space, our sanctuary, where we were supposed to live together, love each other, and grow old together up for sale, and we never even moved in.

All my life, I’ve begged men to love me.

All my life, I’ve begged them to try.

If it’s really love, you don’t even have to try.

I’ve given up on all those dreams.

I just want to get away from here. Pack my bags and run somewhere, but I can’t.

Once upon a time, I believed that if I loved hard enough, if I put out as much love as possible into the world and other people, it would come back to me and surround me with the sort of love I have wanted so desperately that has often seemed to come so easily to other people, but never at all to me.

My love has never been enough,

I have never been….insert what you will…. enough.

Obele came into my life, and chipped away at the wall I’d built to defend myself from any more pain.

I won’t leave you.” He said.

You will have me no matter what.”

I was scared to believe him. I didn’t want to believe him, but repeat a lie enough times and it starts to sound like the truth.

And the lies that fell so, so easily from Obele’s lips sounded too good to be true, but “Baby, trust me.” he said, and light of my life that he had become, I stepped into his void on absolute faith.

It was hard, and it hurt, but we got through it.

In twenty years,” he said “we’ll still be together, and closer than ever.

I will never put another woman before you.

Come here, let me put a baby in you.

Obele spoke about things I’ve always been afraid to even consider wanting, for fear of disappointment.

We’ll have a house.” He said. “And it will be our home, you and me. Our safe space. Ours. To explore, and to enjoy each other, and to love each other.

And so, he promised me nights in our house.

In the house where we’d have forever with each other.

In the house where he’d always come home to me.

Where we’d blossom into a beautiful, happy family, drenched in our love for each other.

Nights, safe in each other’s arms, at home, at peace.

He promised me nights filled with love in our house.

Nights filled with kisses, moans, gasps, and fingers digging too deep.

Nights full of tears followed by soft kisses.

Nights filled with him filling me, nights full of him, nights inside me.

Nights of love like I’ve waited so long to be real. Love like he’s waited so long to feel.

Where are our nights now that you’ve burned our house down?



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  1. blogoratti

    Its truly saddening indeed and I can only say I do hope you find that which you seek in the end. It can be hard out there, so keep doing what you enjoy doing, live, travel, laugh…true love is never far away. Best wishes friend.

  2. Sarah

    Lol something like this happened to me recently, but somehow I’m fine. Nobody is coming through for a while and I am content.

  3. Prism of an immigrant

    Hi Sugabelly, how are you? This is Prism! Every time I read your posts, I want to give you a hug and tell you that everything will be fine. Things have a way of working out into the end. If you’re still in the DC area, maybe we could get together for some coffee, tea, or perhaps ice cream.

  4. Berry Dakara

    Don’t give up hope. You’ll get past it. It may take more time, but you’ll have to WILLFULLY move on. It’s a process. Just when you think you’ve gone a whole week without thinking about him and the hurt, something might trigger your memory and it’ll be an intense few days… but it will happen less and less as time goes on.

    • sugabelly

      Sigh, it’s been six months of no contact. I start to feel like I’m making progress and healing and then I see or hear something that reminds me of him and I burst into tears.

      I just want this hurt to pass and be over. Like, God please let me close this chapter of my life firmly shut. ☹️

  5. fragile

    Hi Sugabelly, Hang on in there. Like my good friend quickly reminds me, “its a cold world out there”. People won’t always Love you as much as you Love them, but keep your head up always. You are real, gifted, smart, trusting and above all humane. So hold your shoulders high at all times.

    • sugabelly

      Thank you for saying this. I’ll try to remember it as much as possible. Love hasn’t been kind to me. If I’m honest, I’ve given up hope in finding love, but there’s a part of me that wishes for it all the same. I’ll do my best to hold my head high regardless.

  6. Adebiyi Ayorinde

    Now that virtually almost everyone have forgotten about you and the Abdul saga, you still keep on boarding the wrong ships with your eyes wide opened. If you keep throwing yourself cheaply at men, men will only tell you what you want to hear and it will sound like the truth knowing fully well that what they want is just a taste of you. If a man wants a taste of you, he can tell you anything just to get the wild oats outta his system and that was what Obele did, but as a lady, you need to learn how to say no. Stop rolling under the sheets with every dick that stops by, you will never get your dream man by doing that.

    Here are some helpful tips for you………..

    1. A good man must have a pastor, someone who guides him and who is like his confidant (Note: I am talking about Nigerian men o, not tokunbo’s and black americans). The pastor counsels and helps in creating a smooth journey towards marriage, the man respects the pastor because the pastor is like a mentor to him, and you can always report him to the pastor.

    2. When I read the previous comments, most of those inviting for meet ups and coffee are just “hit and run”. They all pretend to share this emotional affection towards you, alas, majority of them are serpents waiting for the right opportunity to strike.

    3. Even though I don’t like forcing beliefs on people, but to get the right things these days, you need to find a decent church and let your steps be directed by men of God (real men of God o), and you will surely get the right things.

    4. Family: from my assessment of you, you are like a free bird, no one to correct and smack you when you are wrong, and the men feel they can just take you, and no one will complain. Family support is so important because when a man knows that some people will talk and raise eyebrows when he misbehaves, he will comport and respects you.

    5. Wisdom….. This is the principal thing. If a man comes offering a future, what has he created for himself? What are his plans? Have you spoken to his parents? Have you met his parents? When does he intend to settle down? Ask him about his past, why did he left the previous relationships? Nowadays, a lot of ladies think a single man will just show up and they will clinch, this man has a past……… Ask him why is he still single and weigh his words, some men are deceivers, but in most cases, they normally give themselves away unconsciously without knowing it.

    ……..there are lots to add, but who knows, you are ever ready to lash out at anyone who says the truth, and run under the shades of those who give pretentious solace on your blog. Best of Luck.

  7. Adebiyi Ayorinde

    Hehen…. Don’t know about ur dating habits? Okay, who decided to date a muslim knowing fully well that their religion permits them to marry four wives if they are capable? – Sugabelly

    Who decided to date a spoilt brat and stuck with him even when he was ever ready to share her holy grail with his friends? – Sugabelly

    Who decided to perform marital duties to someone she was not married to? -Sugabelly

    So I know a lot about your sex life, dating habits, the type of men you are seeing(Obele) and not seeing(real and decent men).

    And waoh, I am now “Your friend”.

    How much are you gonna pay for my friendship lols.

    • Cocoa

      Brother, I get your point. However to draw people to Christ and to be effective as a vessel, you can’t afford to be listing sins like this. Gotta be more tactful than that. Even God Himself doesn’t do that to us. He shows LOVE and COMPASSION and welcomes us to an alternative life..IF WE WANT IT. I see your points but your words cut too deep to heal.
      Just a thought. Stay blessed.

    • SISTUH GIRL

      Christ! I see no point hiding behind words. You are a proper ass. The God you seem to think you are peddling is one that says come as you are. He is one of love and forgiveness that takes your pain as his and in return gives you peace.
      No. You are not talking God here. More likely the devil that remindeth of “sins”
      Back off

      judgement minister pscheeeeeew

    • Dala

      Really?Mr Ayorinde?
      Refer back to your initial comment, wisdom is the principal thing and you have come short in this regard. What is your point exactly? Your comments reek of judgement and self righteousness and God doesn’t like that. You need to reevaluate your words using Phil 4:18

    • Meka

      Ayorinde, you are obviously arrogant in ignorance. You should give thought to how you pass your message, or both you and the message will meet rejection. ” A good man must have a pastor ” ?? That must make the rest of us with no ties to specific men of god , bad men i guess. . Statement is laced with self-righteousness of sorts.

  8. 'Lara

    Hey Sugabelly,

    Hang in there you will be fine, we all have our love and lost story.

    I think I have given up on love myself, but then again just maybe I have not found the right one for me…we will all be fine in the end

    Take care of yourself

  9. waffy

    Hello Sugabelly

    One of my favourite lines comes from the French Author Anna Gavalda which is also the title of the book “Je voudrais que quelqu’un m’attende quelque part” ,( I wish someone was waiting for me somewhere). All my life that is what I have wished and for many years that feeling overwhelmed me.

    The wish, the longing, the hoping for love that always seemed to elude me.

    Met them all, the good, the bad, the ugly plus the 419.

    Have enough pathetic stories to fill a book.

    You are not alone. We have all been there and anybody who does not understand these feelings, have never loved.

    I still have my apartment and there is no one there but me.

    But now it looks like, it feels like me and I am no longer waiting for somebody that is never there.

    There is nothing more exhilarating than peace of mind. This, I wish for you with all of my heart.

    You are always welcome to visit me anytime you like. I think you will be the 5th person there if you come.

    Lots of love, waffy.

  10. Adebiyi Ayorinde (Bbm:29C36CFF)

    Thanks cocoa, just that I like standing for the truth, and no matter the situation, saying the bitter truth has always been my attribute. People don’t like it, because the truth cuts so deep. If only everyone can stand for the truth in Nigeria, infact, give it few months, we will be better than some of those developed countries.

    So Suga, if my words actually cuts too deep, apologies(in spartacus voice). Kindly heal. Bless you cocoa.

      • Adebiyi Ayorinde

        When i have even started thinking of organizing a three days crusade using your platform as a means of reaching out to the people lols……

        Featuring: Healing, deliverance, salvation, and no more weeping. Buckle up, there is a crusade coming up “on your blog” and you are going to help put up our write ups.

      • Amaka

        Hey Sugabelly. Beneath his plenty plenty obnoxiousness, he did have a point buried deep. Give God a chance. You’ve tried everything else, from what I’ve read from you. So just try God this once. You’re not being forced to. Just know that God loves you and is saddened by your sadness. He wants you to feel His love. And I hope that one day you’d let yourself feel His love. It’s truly magnificent.God loves you. I love you. We’ve suffered similar things in different ways but the hurt is still the same. It gets better. I know.

  11. Marie

    People like ADEBIYI AYORINDE who believe they can say insult without impunity are mistaken. Sometimes taking a little revenge on people like him is so satisfying.

    His address:
    (deleted)

    His info:
    (deleted)

    This is what the little monkey look like:
    (deleted)

    • sugabelly

      Having been doxxed myself, I can’t allow you to dox someone on my blog.

      I’ve deleted the links you posted.

      As irritating as his comments are, it’s not necessary to post private information about someone online for no good reason.

    • Adebiyi Ayorinde

      Friends, you can post my profile, and even my addy, I have got nothing to hide. I say the truth, no matter what, and i will always stand for the truth. Shout it at the mountaintop!!! I have got nothing to hide. My comments are not meant to insult, but to correct. But, tell me a better way to correct than to be frank and sincere! Be honest with the truth even though it is always bitter.

      • sugabelly

        Spam is not allowed on my blog. I allow negative comments, even those directed towards me, because I believe in freedom of speech. But any religious proselytism or pointless wars in my comments will be deleted and you will be banned. You’ve been warned.

        Doxxing is also not allowed. That is why I deleted the links she posted to your personal information.

        I’ve been doxxed before, and it’s abuse. I won’t allow anyone to do it to someone else on my blog.

        Both of you are rude and mannerless. You are on my blog and in many ways, it is my home.

        You are a guest in my home, and you should behave accordingly, not make a nuisance of yourself.

        • Adebiyi Ayorinde

          Super story! Anyways, fix a date when I am going to send in my first write up jare. A good blog like this should not be wasted discussing past mistakes and those who made your kpashing list or”what is supposed to be”. The title is: Hunchback: a burden so heavy”. I am not rude, I swear.

          • SISTUH GIRL

            Disgraceful creature. poorly mannered, loud of mouth, finesse lacking, unpolished……no many adjectives. ….do little time…
            I’ll waste no more words on you

  12. Hanna

    Have you thought about therapy? I did it after a PAINFUL breakup and believe it helped me heal from it a lot faster.

    • sugabelly

      I’ve spent many years in therapy, although I’m currently trying to go it alone without the support of a psychologist.

      Therapy has been helpful getting me to where I am today, but there’s a lot of work that only I can do, and that’s what I’m trying to focus on from here on out. In these blog posts, in my daily life, etc

      I wish I could talk to someone about the way I’m feeling right now but I can’t quite afford it at the moment. Therapy is expensive, and I have other things going on that I have to deal with.

      Maybe in a year when things are better, I’ll get back into therapy. It’s helps a lot, that’s for sure.

  13. BigSis

    Hi Sugabelly,

    I have been reading your writings and follow you on twitter (by the way I’ve not seen any post from you in a while). I like the way you write and admire your intelligence, your artistic talent and the way you are able to express yourself and the raw pain you feel in writing. I admire you greatly and can see the beauty of your soul. The beauty in you that few can see or perhaps they just choose to ignore.

    My dear Sugabelly, you are stronger than you think. The strength you have within you has benefited others in ways that you would never know. I’ll be 40 this year and was molested by a family friend when I was fourteen. Something about the whole Abdul saga and the way you handled it gave me the strength to confront him over the phone. After 25 years, I was finally able to confront him as an adult on behalf of the child I was. I was finally able to “tell him off” and it felt so good. Writing about this even now brings tears to my eyes but after all those years I finally felt I was free.

    I have also had my share of man issues but they don’t bother me as much as they used to. I am older and wiser. I have learnt through my experiences and those of others that I would rather sleep alone than share a bed with a man who only sees me as a piece of meat to satisfy his lusts. I have found solace and peace in being alone and have come to cherish the times and moments that I am by myself. I have come to realise that I am never truly alone.

    I have never seen God, nor heard his voice. But I believe he exists and that he is watching over me and loving me in ways that he only can. There are emotional itches I feel that only he can scratch. There are times of confusion and chaos I experience that only he can calm. There are yearnings of my soul that only he can understand.

    I shocked my family and friends a few years ago by informing them of my decision not to get married. I guess some of them feel sorry for me but I have come to experience a relief following that decision that knows no bounds. I have a few male friends that I love and cherish. They provide me with the male perspective and vigour that I crave for every now and then, but sexual/romantic relationships are now all in my past. Before my decision, each succeeding relationship just seemed to validate more and more the fact that it’s better to be alone than to be mismatched. I don’t blame anyone for holding on to their desires for romantic love and all. There’s nothing wrong with that but I know that we would not all find bliss in romance and thankfully not finding bliss in romance (or romance at all) is not necessarily a bad thing.

    Sometimes we just need to see ourselves differently and to realise that we are not here (wherever that is) by accident. Some of us carry within us passions and dreams that are beyond the comprehension of many around us. Romance may not be our portion but that doesn’t mean that the door of bliss, peace and happiness is shut to us. We just need to look in a different direction and perhaps approach the idea of “loving and being loved” a little differently.

    I hope we can stay in touch. I think about you a lot.

  14. NC

    The person above who talks about “throwing yourself cheaply at men” is a typical Nigerian man. Backward. Which is why the world does not respect Nigerian (or black) men.

    He’s quoting chapter and verse of what you must have, yet what do they themselves bring to the table, other than trouble and drama for women? They don’t even bring in money: we are having to do that for ourselves!

    We Nigerian women have been sold a bill of goods. Our patriarchal society is out of balance and has been for a very long time. The men just don’t know what it takes to be men, and part of that involves nurturing, providing for and protecting women.

    They’d rather blame you for their failures than admit that they are conquered and defeated. They happily worship the white man’s god (and the white man as god) yet they think they are a gift to women and that you need to earn them.

    It’s only our indoctrination, our conditioning from birth, that means that we women continue to give these idiots our time and energy, and bring more of them into existence.

    It’s natural to want a mate – most women do. And in most societies it’s normal for men to aspire to marriage, stepping up to honour their women. As your own experiences have proved, Nigerian (and black) men have dropped the ball, asking you to jump hoops that no woman should have to jump. It is not your fault. They’re just not worth it. That’s why Nigeria continues to be a cesspit.

    What I would suggest is to undergo some therapy and healing time, to regain a sense of who you are and boost your self esteem. We Nigerian (black) women have our self esteem and our femininity warped from birth because of our society’s idiotic focus on men, who are stupid and cannot even compete on a national, let alone a global scale.

    Also, please widen your dating pool: there are plenty of non-Nigerian men who are ready to give you the honour, love, companionship and protection that you deserve. Nigerian men feel like they are the prize. You need to take your power back, and remember that YOU are the prize, not these pathetic idiots.

  15. Mim

    you’ve probably heard this before – but you should channel some of this energy into writing a book. I don’t know if the words won’t flow the same if you are writing about a fictional character but i would love to read something longer that you’ve done. You have always had a way with words and I think that is your true calling (even though you are gifted in drawing as well).

    Might as well make some $$ why the men sort themselves out

  16. sabrina

    hello dear, i want you to take things easy. This life is short and dont waste time getting sad and depressed it is not worth it. If you want love, you have to stop looking and searching for it. it will come naturally. at least you have your mum, i lost my dad when i was young, i was raped by 6 and a woman raped me at 8. i was exposed to porn. my cousin and uncle will molest me, you will think with all these experience i will be sad, i just shot down that part of me, i made sure no man touched me and now i am 23 and very independent. all the hurt i had i buried it in work, i got a corporate job at 19 and i have worked and spent less. Now I am 23 and happily married.lost my mum recently and life is not easy but i buried myself in work and focused on my husband and life…. if you see ,me youu will never no i went through so much, some people say i must have very rich parents that is why i live a good life, i attracted only people with positive vibe as i was very happy despite all i have been through, i got multiple propsosals cos people like my behavious, i told my husband all ive been through and he didnt hate me, infact he waited 3 years till our wediding night before sleepign with me.all am saying is some people have gone through worse but they dont let it define their life. just focus on what matters like your self. go out, chill, make your hair, look so beautiful and be happy. once you have a good energy people will want to be around you. if a man lies or treats you anyhow just leave him and move on. i hope i could help

  17. COLLINS

    how i really wish i could just give u big hug,you ve come dis far bcos u re really strong bliv me…..i paased thru a lot but am not sure i would been able to walk in ur shoes without doing something foolish…..bt am happy for as you have freed yourself from d bondages that held u…..unlike me,all my dreams nd aspirations seem to have varnished as am living a life i never imagined…sometimes i cry but then i realise life is not a bed of roses nd you cant get all wat u wish 4….keep bin that strong woman you’ve always been right frm when u were 17….MAY GOD BLESS US ALL.

  18. Black Dr on twitter

    Sugabelly, I sure don’t know how you feel, not anything close. I am sorry for causing you distress. I was trying to be of help, I guess. I didn’t get to tell you that you write beautifully and that I enjoy perusing your TL , so could you please add me back. 🙂

  19. S2C

    Awwww sweetheart, so sorry for your pain.
    I hope you have been able to move on a bit. Pele.
    The truth is Love hurts sometimes. And as deep as the cut may be, I think it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
    I have loved before, and while i will love again, I can’t ever love again so deeply and freely and as unrestrained as I did. It freaking hurt too much when it ended. It took ages for the scar to heal. And it’s not fully gone sef.
    Anyway, I wish you well. I hope the hurt recedes quickly. I hope you gained some perspective. I hope you get to a space where you can look back and smile slightly at least.


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