I Have No Name for Loss

It’s weird.

This blog has kept me company through some of the darkest times of my life, and people who call me an over sharer would say that I spill everything here. Let it all hang out. It’s all out there. Or so they think.

So you think.

But I’ve never written about the love of my life here.

I don’t know if I’m ready to walk that path.

I like to tell myself I kept him a secret all this while because he told me privacy meant everything to him…. right before he splashed the love of his life all over his social media pages… where no pictures of us exist…. or ever will.

It’s been a year since the beginning of the end.

It has been so long.

It hasn’t been long enough.

But I can’t speak his name to anyone anymore. I can’t speak his name period.

This has been the first love where we named each other.

I never thought I would name anything, much less anyone, but the name I gave him revealed itself, and saying his true name was the most natural, the most beautiful thing in the world.

And the day he named me? I felt whole, and beautiful, and alive because I thought he loved me.

You ever feel like you met someone and they fill this hole inside you, and when they leave, it makes that space inside you feel painfully vacant?

Thats how he makes me feel.

I don’t write this hoping he’ll ever see it; I’d much rather he didn’t, but dear God, I’ve loved him.

And I can’t tell anyone how much I love him still, so I’m setting my love for him down here, so it can go away from me, and be free.

I called him one night.

I said, “Leave your lover for me.”

I said, “I want you to break up with her, and come be with me.”

I said, “I want forever with you. I want your child, and all your love growing inside me.”

I’m tired of holding onto half faded memories; tired of tasting you in the run off from my tears while I cry myself to sleep to your heartbeat.

“Leave your lover for me.”

“Say my name, and claim me.”

And so, he did… leave his lover that is…

Just not for me.

There are 22 comments

Add yours
  1. Chi

    You always write so eloquently . I always wish to sum my words up as perfect as you can . You really have a gift .

    Ever heard “Lions, Tigers and Bears” by Jazmine Sullivan ?

    She says, ” why do we love love , when love seems to hates us… ” that’s how I feel about this blog entry .

    But don’t worry someday the right one will come along and make this one small , it will make everything wrong right …

    I can’t help but notice the pic looks like … Nvm .

    Keep writing babe . You do it so well.

    • sugabelly

      Thank you.
      I haven’t heard it, but that line really speaks to me as I’ve asked myself the same question many times.

      Why does love seem to hate me?
      Why can’t the happiness I see other people have be mine too?
      Why is something so simple for other people, so out of my reach?

      I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answers to these questions. Life is unfair in many ways.

      • sistuh girl

        Simple. Is it ever simple? Is it simple for the one bonded to him forever when he never kept faith when she could walk away easier?
        Simple is you seeing his naked truth
        Longing Is the primal urge in you to win. The loss is simply your brains dissatisfaction at not collecting the medal in the game of hearts, loins and STDs

        Let’s say you won knowing his truth. Would you be at peace? Mbanu. Everytime he comes home late, suspicion will gnaw at you. That is no way to live for anyone

        • sugabelly

          Sigh. You have no idea how close this hits to home. I spent the past year and a half in a whirlwind of doubt and suspicion, and hurt, and jealousy.

          I don’t even want to think about living with that kind of jealousy weighing on my heart long term.

          I miss him so much. My heart misses him. My whole body misses and wants him, but I don’t think we were meant to be.

        • AriA

          Kai! I don’t know who’s stuff I like reading better. These women have a (mindblowing) way w/words. Gosh! #mindblown

  2. sistuh girl

    A love will come that will look at you like he can’t believe his luck, that will turn u religious in that u will always be thanking Jesus for sending you this creature of delight

      • Berry Dakara

        I figured there would be many more. But look at it this way (well when the longing came back for me) – imagine being married to him and knowing that every time he picked up his phone or went out, it would probably be yet another side chick.

  3. Cc

    I was reading old posts on your blog when I came across your story , the one on childbirth. In Igbo ogodo not sure of the spelling but that’s the name for wrapper . I know it’s really old

  4. sistuh girl

    My dear, throw a I escaped a scum-of-the-earth-situation parry and live on. Allow time to do what time does best…..fade him properly into irrelevance
    Congrats sweery. You escaped

  5. sistuh girl

    And find a sweet toyboy who u won’t allow to speak to rub the soothing balm of adoration on your heart, body and spirit. That longing will be a memory

Post a new comment