I Have No Name for Loss
This blog has kept me company through some of the darkest times of my life, and people who call me an over sharer would say that I spill everything here. Let it all hang out. It’s all out there. Or so they think.
So you think.
But I’ve never written about the love of my life here.
I don’t know if I’m ready to walk that path.
I like to tell myself I kept him a secret all this while because he told me privacy meant everything to him…. right before he splashed the love of his life all over his social media pages… where no pictures of us exist…. or ever will.
It’s been a year since the beginning of the end.
It has been so long.
It hasn’t been long enough.
But I can’t speak his name to anyone anymore. I can’t speak his name period.
This has been the first love where we named each other.
I never thought I would name anything, much less anyone, but the name I gave him revealed itself, and saying his true name was the most natural, the most beautiful thing in the world.
And the day he named me? I felt whole, and beautiful, and alive because I thought he loved me.
You ever feel like you met someone and they fill this hole inside you, and when they leave, it makes that space inside you feel painfully vacant?
Thats how he makes me feel.
I don’t write this hoping he’ll ever see it; I’d much rather he didn’t, but dear God, I’ve loved him.
And I can’t tell anyone how much I love him still, so I’m setting my love for him down here, so it can go away from me, and be free.
I called him one night.
I said, “Leave your lover for me.”
I said, “I want you to break up with her, and come be with me.”
I said, “I want forever with you. I want your child, and all your love growing inside me.”
I’m tired of holding onto half faded memories; tired of tasting you in the run off from my tears while I cry myself to sleep to your heartbeat.
“Leave your lover for me.”
“Say my name, and claim me.”
And so, he did… leave his lover that is…
Just not for me.