My Super Duper Lottery Plan!

See? I really did win the lottery!

See? I really did win the lottery!

Well, I really won only a dollar.

Still, with the power ball at 1.4 billion dollars right now, I’m seeing even people I know normally don’t entertain lottery fantasies buying tickets. I’m not a habitual gambler, but like play, like play, I’ve spent the last week imagining what I would do with $868 million (the lump sum cash payout) if I won the Powerball. Shebi they say preparation is half the battle? So if somehow, I beat the 1 in 292 million odds of winning, I’m sha prepared, and in my mind, this is how everything would go down:

I’d Keep My Mouth Shut

If by some miracle, I checked my lottery ticket and found out I had the winning numbers, there wouldn’t be any celebration for me. Thank God there’s now an app with which to check your ticket number, because I’d be paranoid about going to the grocery store and handing the cashier the ticket, only for them to pull out a gun from under the counter, kill me, and make off to the lottery commission to claim my winnings.
Besides, the cashier or clerk knowing I’ve won the lottery is one person too many as far as I’m concerned. The only way to make sure they don’t tell is to personally shut them up, and I’m not about to catch 25 to life, and not be able to enjoy my money abeg.

If I won the Powerball or even any other smeh smeh lottery, I wouldn’t even tell myself fa!

Me everyday, while nobody knows I'm the winner.

Me everyday, while nobody knows I’m the winner.

Sugabelly, the Friendly Ghost

As soon as I knew for sure, I’d get lost ASAP. Change my phone number, check into an airtight hotel like The Ritz under a fake name, buy my family members tickets to come join me at once to preempt kidnapping, seize everyone’s cell phones and tablets, and keep the people I love under house arrest in my hotel room.
For the next six months at least, we’d disappear off the face of the Earth.

Me and my whole family be like...

Me and my whole family like…

Plan All the Way to the End

Once everyone is safe, I’d open a long string of accounts in preparation for receiving the money. No way I’m keeping $868 million in one bank account when banks only insure you up to like $250K. I’ll lay out a detailed plan for what I’m going to do with the money BEFORE experiencing the crazy rush of excitement and madness that undoubtedly comes with becoming an almost billionaire overnight.

First, I’d divide the money into three unequal portions – big chunk, medium chunk, and a small chunk.

The biggest chunk will be distributed over twenty-five high interest, fixed deposit savings or money market accounts / CDs. Just dump it there, and leave it to generate interest forever. The medium chunk will go into various investments, including stocks, bonds, property, etc. I’ll also set up the following separate trusts/funds:

  1. An educational expenses fund for myself and all the kids in my family. I’m the only child, so this will cover my baby cousins and my adult cousins’ kids. Every school related expense for each person from kindergarten to Masters will be paid for by this fund/trust – tuition, school supplies, transportation/plane tickets to and from school, etc all covered.
  2. A family medical fund – Any health related or medical expenses of any kind, necessary or elective for anyone in my family will be paid from this trust/fund.
  3. A family travel fund covering the cost of two business class round trips to anywhere in the world, and four weeks of hotel bills every year for each family member.

Everything will be paid directly to the school / hospital / airline, etc and must be accompanied by a receipt. No handing out random cash; that’s how the devil uses people.

I’m not a house person at all, so I’ll buy myself a nice flat in a nice, secure high-rise building, a second, larger “family flat” so my aunts and cousins have a pied à terre wherever we live to come and go, and some land to build commercial rental properties on.

Whatever’s left of the medium chunk after all this will get dumped back into the principal to increase my return rate, then I’ll set aside a portion of the smallest chunk purely for ridiculous fun purchases to get the millionaire mania out of my system, so I can settle down and live off a reasonable salary off the interest coming from the main chunk.

Finally, the rest of the small chunk, I’ll share among my Mom, my aunts (except this aunty), my Grandma, and my Grandpa.

Claiming the Cash

Sadly, lottery winners are made public in Washington DC, otherwise, I would claim my prize money anonymously. Since that isn’t an option, this is how I’ll come to present my winning ticket and pose for the media with my giant cheque.

Press: What is your name? Sugabelly: Lagbaja

Press: Please tell us your name?
Sugabelly: Lagbaja

Not that it will do me any good since my cover got blown already, but di anyi, the more time I can buy before every Bisi, Binta, and Bilili in the world knows my face, the better.

First Things First

As soon as the funds hit my account, even before I put my financial plan into action, the very first thing I’m going to do is deduct all the taxes I’ll owe into a separate account, and just keep it for the IRS jejely. Next order of business would be to pay off anybody I or anyone in my family owe money.

Trust me, even if it’s five naira and twenty-two kobo you dashed me for Cowbell and Okin biscuit, you are getting your money back down to the last kobo before it becomes “you told me you would pay me back with interest.”

It’s too risky to be anybody’s debtor again. Once I’ve paid you your money, please carry your wahala and go.

Avoiding Longathroats, Professional Beggars, and One Chancers

Besides hiring a top-notch security team, once I’m debt free and my financial plan is in place, my new voicemail greeting and auto respond on my email is going to be “Oga is not on seat.”

No, I can’t invest in your nebulous business idea.
No, I can’t donate to your NGO.
No, I won’t pay tithe to your church.

In short, #NoNewFriends.

Besides the primary objective of advancing, securing, and perpetuating the multi-generational wealth and prosperity of myself, my family, and the people that I love, there are causes that are already dear to my heart, and if I choose to spend any money outside my primary objectives, it will be to advance those causes not the one that Segun, Sule, and Somto sent me proposal for because they heard I won the lottery.

It's like you don't know I senior you...

It’s like you don’t know I senior you…

On a serious note though, I’m not big on charity because I’ve seen reports that suggest many charitable organizations don’t use majority of the donations they receive to actually help people. Apparently, most of your donations are used for “administrative costs” and to fund glamorous fundraisers, and that seems rather scammy to me.

If I had the money though, something that I really want to make happen is dedicated nationwide rape kit collection and DNA processing in Nigeria, and full scholarships for gifted Nigerian students to attend top art schools abroad.

So that’s my super duper lottery plan.

What’s your plan for if you win the lottery?

There are 32 comments

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  1. Eniola

    Lagbaja. My God, I love your posts.

    If I won the lottery I also won’t tell anyone, and I’m moving my family straight outta here. I’m still underage, but being an almost billionaire, I’m running away to travel the world and go into space. Sure, I’ll keep money for the future and investments and whatever, but I can’t forget the needy, and I’m not talking about church.

    I’m also thinking about…

    A publishing company
    Natural Hair company
    LGBT University
    Eco-friendly mansion in the wild for me…

    And lots of mirrors, maybe a mirror museum, because my parents think I’m a narcissist 🙂

  2. HoneyDame

    I really really really like this post! I almost doesnt sound like you, except it does! It seems to have come from a happy, relaxed and pretty humorous place and it makes me glad cos I am attributing it to a fact that you are doing ok.
    For having such “well-laid plans”, you totally deserve to win the 1.4billion!

    • sugabelly

      Please go and tell the power ball people I deserve the money.
      I’m doing okay. Not great, not completely better. I still have many very sad days, but I’ve decided not to give up before giving it my hardest ever push to permanently get better.

      I’m a bit scared for the future, but I’m trying to be hopeful and I hope by doing that, good things will come.

  3. Prism of an Immigrant

    This put more than a smile on my face! I bought tickets too. And I tell you, I’m still pissed that I didn’t win. All that energy I put into planning and fantasizing about how I would spend my wind fall all down the drain. LOL

  4. Japan

    Please can someone tell me how to play the game and win and which game to play? I really need to play it. Am in Nigeria though. Thanks

  5. Chimamanda

    Ahn Ahn! Auntie, your plans didn’t include “our blog” and your readers.
    I wish you much more money than that one…
    Pls, be my friend?

  6. Buki O.

    Nice post. I’ve won the lottery a couple of times. The most I ever won at a time was about £4450. It felt like a million pounds so I just cannot imagine the feeling of winning a billion dollars. Chaiiiiiiiiiiiii.

    I wouldn’t announce it either but I will be playing secret santa a lot, after securing my family and I. Oh the life of having your money work for you while you chill a bit rather than hustling………… 🙂

    Glad to have you back hun.

      • Buki O.

        LMAO @ what pant are you wearing. Ok, don’t freak out o.

        Each time I have won the lottery, I literarily dreamt up the winning numbers or ticket purchase time, to the letter. Very bizarre and inexplicable but the truth. The £4450 was after a dream that I bought a ticket at a specific time. I woke up unsure of if it was 11am or 1 pm, I ha knew there was 1 inn the time so I skipped church, sat on my system and waited. Hubby though I was mad until he got a call from me at 11.10am asking him to leave church and come home immediately. ( I won the money at exactly 11am, just like i had dreamt. I spent the first 10mins screaming in disbelief) £4450 was a lot in 2009.

        I haven’t played the lottery much since then. Plus the stress of relocating and living in Lagos has sort of toned down those dreams. Sighs dreamily.

        Perhaps your post is a sign……… 😉

  7. Cherrywine

    Girl, you are hella funny! This had me chuckling all the way through. Amazingly detailed plan tho. I think that’s the greatest mistake the lottery winners make….no planning. They will now fritter away all their winnings on nonsense and family guilt trips. If I ever won the lottery (not likely but a girl can dream) I would just adopt your plan because..amazing!

    • sugabelly

      Lmao, do you know how many shows I’ve watched about lottery winners and stared mouth agape as they wasted their money on all sorts of nonsense?

      Lai, lai! If I win that kind of money I’m still going to be filthy rich fifty years later. So many of these lottery winners just spend everything in a year or two. Like that daft woman that keeps on bailing her boyfriend out of jail.

  8. Kunle

    This makes a very interesting read, I don’t know what I will do but on thing I know for sure, I am a gadget freak, having such a huge amount will make all my gadget dreams come true!!! now you got me dreaming even when I’m wide awake!

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