Happy in the New Year
I’m probably never going to be able to fully articulate what a clusterfuck 2015 was for me. Suffice to say I don’t look back on the past year with fond memories, and I fervently hope this year is as wonderful and generous as last year was miserable.
I had a disastrous relationship, lost my job, lost friends who meant the world to me, and that wasn’t even the worst of it. Ending the year on such a low note was something of a blessing in disguise though. I mean, so much shit went down that there’s nowhere else to go but up really, and I have this sense of relief ever since I resigned myself to starting over.
In spite of my generally negative feelings about it, I did learn many things over the past year, and one or two good things did happen, for which I’m grateful. I struggle with pretty serious social awkwardness, and even though I seem extroverted online, in real life, I’m very shy, and often have difficulty navigating social situations that are easy for most people. Some people came into my life by chance last year, and I honestly made an effort to learn something from each person. It mostly wasn’t easy, and I cried a lot. (Come to think of it, I’ve cried more in my adult life than I ever did as a child).
Oh, and I started drinking too. I developed the ability to polish off a bottle of wine all by myself, and now I understand why people drown their sorrows in alcohol. It definitely helps you slip away for a few hours, and forget the shitty, shitty world.
This year though, I just want to be happy.
Not as a goal, but anything that’s going to stress me out, or make me feel bad about myself, or add to my anxiety, thanks but no thanks.
I’m trying very much this time, to rely on myself for my own happiness and fulfillment, and the way I plan to do that is by addressing issues that have been a source of unhappiness for me full on, especially my body image, my finances, and my depression.
So many people sent me messages, comments, and emails full of love, support, and encouragement, and I wish I could personally thank every single one of you who did, but I literally received well over five thousand messages combined, and I’ll be responding to all of them well into summer. I can’t quite put into words my thanks, but I’ll try. Thank you for helping me get through one of the most difficult moments of my life.
As for those I thought were friends but when the shit hit the fan, couldn’t be bothered to say even a word of encouragement or reach out, thank you for showing your true colours so I can jejely avoid you.
Here’s to an infinitely better year, come what may.