Chinese Whispers

It’s been a week since I decided I was going to live, instead of existing on the periphery of life, drifting back and forth between staying alive and wanting to die, loathe to live, but unable to strike out into death on my own, and inevitably washed back to life like flotsam on the beach.

In the time since, I’ve heard my name on everyone’s lips, seen my picture a hundred thousand times, and it’s a necessary annoyance I suppose. Letting go of something like this was never going to be simple. Maybe back in the days when my blog was an unknown little spot in the endless worldwide web, but in 2015, it didn’t stand a chance of being easy, and that’s okay.

What has frustrated me though, is how easily, and how much the facts of what happened to me have been distorted. And I’m not even talking about the pathetic excuses for interviews, awash with desperate lies, that have been given in the past week. No, I’m referring to the strangers, the third parties, the public if you will, who feel the need to comment, but cannot be bothered to do any real research before they do so.

In the past week, I’ve heard all sorts of vile, absurd, and utterly disturbing lies about myself, claiming that my mother had a boyfriend who raped me as a child ( This is by far the most disgusting of these rampant lies I have heard repeated by so many people ), that I supposedly started having sex at 14, and that I’ve been living alone since I was 12 (well, I guess being away at boarding school should count right?). The desperation of the people spreading these pathetic lies reeks worse and worse with each new invention they seed to the media, and they are truly sick, disturbed, and sad.

When I was 11, in Js1A at Loyola, one of my favorite teachers taught us a game in class he called Chinese whispers.

He told the person at one end of the class a secret, and instructed us to pass the secret on by whispering in the next person’s ear. He guaranteed us that by the time it reached the other end of the class, the secret would not be the same. And he was right. What the last person in class announced to the rest of us was a garbled, distortion of the original secret told, stretched out of recognition by mishearing and embellishment as it passed from person to person.

Before you give your oh-so sanctimonious opinion on this painful, and traumatic event in my life, that I have chosen to share, make sure you are commenting on the actual facts, and not on Chinese Whispers.

I already tweeted this, but I would just like to add it here as an addendum:

Let me make something clear.
Mustapha and I started out as a romantic / sexual relationship, and that relationship persisted throughout.

I was still in love with him, in spite of everything that happened, so we stayed in contact pursuing the relationship even after going to school.

Not that being in love with your abuser is a smart thing, but Mustapha was very controlling and manipulative and mentally I was attached.

Like I said in my blog post, it took three years after I left for school for me to fully break free of Mustapha emotionally and mentally.

So for years after 2007, there’s a lot of communication between me and Mustapha in the context of a couple.

He and his friends still raped me.

At the same time, we did a lot of things a normal couple would do, flirted, argued, talked about sex, sent nudes, etc.

It doesn’t change the truth.

Many abused women are still living with and loving the men who have done unspeakable evil to them.

I was a naive, kid in love, but I’m lucky to be free now.

Also, I’ve been talking about what happened to me for years but nobody was really listening.

Now that everyone is, I’m afraid for my family’s safety in Abuja, and my own safety as well.

There are 24 comments

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  1. rita

    I read an email on fb posted by one of the alleged molesters where you are purportedly begging him and asking him to stop sleeping with other women and that you are jealous he is giving attention to others and blah blah blah. Can you shed light on that email. Thank you

  2. Djemba

    Why would you expect people to comment on facts when you did not provide any.
    Not that you should care whether people who don’t matter believe you or not.

  3. Dude

    I read your stories (out of morbid curiousity, sorry), and what happened to you absolutely sucks (still an understatement). We definitely have all kinds of monsters in this world, and that’s a damn shame. Almost everyone says we should try to be better than them and not treat them with the cruelty they deserve, but fuck that. I know it doesn’t help, but all I can say is sorry.

    Personally, I’ve always thought suicide is a selfish thing to do as I have considered it, but I don’t judge or blame other people for making that decision. I’m assuming you’re based in the United States, so if you want a quick suicide, acquiring a gun and ammo should be quite easy and a gunshot to the head tends to be quick. Sometimes, I wonder though, if it’s possible to pull off simultaneous shots (with 2 guns) to the head and chest (where your heart is), just to make damn sure. Because I would imagine surviving a shot to the head would be… weird, and perhaps, horrifying.

    On the other hand, if you would like to just talk, I’ll listen. Also, nice art. Except for the nose rings. I just don’t find those things appealing (in both art and real life). That is all.

    Stay safe and strong. Or not.

  4. Elizabeth

    Hi Hun, in light of recent events I commend you for taking this on and getting some healing in openly talking about this. Truly you are a great person!

    What I would like to bring your attention to is the landmark forum training. You could do a quick google search to get the website and watch the introduction to the Landmark Forum.

    You might find it particularly insightful especially in terms of knowing ‘what now?’ And ofcourse moving on to greater and better things in life, by removing the restraints of the past. Or better still you could read the recent article on Werner Erhard on the New York Times.

    I’m doing the course at the moment and I believe it may be of great and tremendous benefit to you.

  5. Whitney

    I feel nothing but sympathy for you.reminds me of me..i was raped when i was barely 8 by someone who was supposed to help educate me.it’s been over 15 years and the memory still lingers but knowing we couldn’t do anything at that time because of no funds to go through all the processes is what hurts the most.I’ve been in pains all my life and I can’t even have a normal relationship.the look I get frm the guys I get with when I try to tell me isn’t a good one.so I keep to myself.i hope you find peace and know that you will be fine.

  6. ireti

    I believe u sugabelly. The fact dat u av no evidence to back ur point lik Audu does nt mean he didn’t do it.. Any sexual intercourse dat is against ones wish is knwn as rape.. He made u to make love to his friends becos he’s a young stupid spoilt brat, who knws or has little understndin about life.. To him he was just avin fun with his crazy in love teenage gf.. He’s a bad boy! Player n flirt! I won’t blame u, n I won’t judge u.. I was once a teenager.. 80% of teenagers usually don’t use dia head wen it comes to love affair.. Its natural, its only takes God n self discipline, so I won’t blame u… wen u dated Audu, u were under age, n bn d son of a gov wu knws constitution wud knw dat it is wrong to date an underage girl either she willingly said yes or No! Dat sud serve as his punishment cos ur case may not be recognized in court.. Sorry to break ur heart but dis is Nigeria!!!.. I just wnt to tell u to pls put ursef togethr.. Get help, clean up n free ur past.. U’v said it out. Honey u ar free!!! Free from what has bn hunting u for yrs pls move on, av a family n make sure what happened to u nevr happened to ur child.. Be in charge, be d boss n find happiness again.. God will help u.

  7. koray

    am rilli speechless on dz ish . I truly believe u nd I like ur courage …I shared ur story wv a frnd nd he said u were so vulgar in explaining d ish ..buh I told him its cause u simply don’t give a fuck anymore ..no one would go tru all DAT n give a fuck ..d emails audu shared showed u were a teenage girl crazy in love nd it also looked like u were obsessed wv him m sure daz d picture he wanna paint bout u ..pls jus be careful dz is Nigeria were people fink if a girl is raped its her fault .nd bdw politicians are mean 2.iun even know how to xpres mysef m jus typing ..jus. stay safe .

  8. K.E.S.S

    From what i’ve heard, seen, and made off with, The Truth is Lost in The Middle, First Off… why now, Second, there is no such thing as The “Lie” or “Truth” it is what we say it is, to each of us a Reality of our own, though might appear Similar, but not entirely the same, Sugabelly, I know you are hurting, Find yourself again… Nothing ever really ends when it is Something to begin with… all Life is Precious.

  9. Chi

    You are so brave for telling your story. I have a similar experience but nowhere as hard as what you experienced. I wish I could talk to you one on one because this is something I’m really passionate about and want to do something about it. The stigma girls women face is not fair. I’m thinking I’m the victim here so why are people pointing at me and whispering. Your experience might not make sense to people that have not experienced it but it’s time to make sense of it to the world to save other girls.

  10. Bella

    I have been seeing this story of ur life on the Internet and I decided to take my time to read of it on ur blog.
    Firstly, sorry for what you had to go through in the early stage of your life. I commend your courage of speaking up and I hope you find peace.

    Secondly, I don’t blame people who do not believe your story cuz there are some questionable statements or sentences you made. For me, After reading your story, so many questions popped in my head.
    1.) All these incidents didn’t happen in a day. If I may ask, why did you keep going back for another section of rape.?

    2.) why did you continue whatever relationship you had with him even after he made his brother sleep with you? Let alone his friends?

    3.) if all these happened in a day, it’s much easier to understand your plight but from ur story on ur blog, u seem to be going back to get raped thereby making the world feel it was a mutual affair.

    Well, I wasn’t there when it all happened but from your story, those were the questions that popped up in my head. And seeing a munched chat btw u n the alleged rapist, it seem more like you were begging for it and all.
    I hope you find peace!

  11. ROOKIE

    Sugabelly, I read your story when it broke last month and I decided to come read your blog. from then till now, I have read every thing you have written from 2007 till date. #stalkeralert lmao!
    Gurl!!!!!!! your talent amazes the heck outta me.
    For all y’all asking foolish questions about how the story is missing some parts and all what not. They say if you wanna hide something from a black man, hide it in a book. If you can’t freaking read then please don’t feel the need to ask questions that have been answered ages ago. Don’t feel the need to offer your opinion that wasn’t solicited in the first place.
    Lotanna, I am glad you are out in the open and I am glad that you are vicious and attacking all bloody commenters. lol! i only hope that means you truly no longer give a rat’s a**
    You have awoken the infamous ancient sleeping dogs and may they never sleep anymore.
    Your experience has inspired so many people to be more attentive to sexual assault and molestation. It has brought up so many never-heard-before stories that were swept under the rug out of fear, shame, stigmatisation and so on.
    While the world we live in now, and the Nigeria currently in existence is still a long way from where it should be to be able to protect everyone from rape and sexual abuse, You; Lotanna have moved us 1 step forward, and you know what they say about little drops of water right? you are playing your part baby gurl.
    Please keep writing because now I am done reading 9 years of your literary genius, what am i to do? Looking forward to your next post, hopefully sooner than later.
    Until then, beat your chest and roar like the friggin Lion that you are.
    Hang in there baby gurl and Fight the monsters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Weasel

    I had this written but could not post it on your earlier article. I have not changed it. Just take the good out of it, ok?

    Here is what I think about this whole issue.

    Sugabelly already had deep seated issues before meeting this guy. Unfortunately he was a dirty pig who only made matters worse. I still struggle with why she kept going back before I realised, she was only a kid at 17, was not matured enough in the mind to venture into the ever complicated world of sex and relationships. Children do not know the difference. If a child knows you as his protector, even when you are unfair to him, he still goes back because he has no one else. He just keeps going back.
    To make matters worse, she got no love from home. Maybe if she had, she would not have gone back to the same abuser. Something is really lacking in her life.
    Parents, guard your female children, they always want to grow up fast. You may not be able to control that but, be there for them. They are emotional creatures.
    This story is indeed a lesson to all.

    Sugababes, I sympathise with you darling. The story you have told, I am in shock.
    After you have lashed out, in that moment when you feel helpless, reach out to God. Speak to Jesus like he is in front of you. You can even get angry with him but be totally honest. Yes. Be honest pour our your heart, your pain, your disappointments, your mistakes, and everything you have been through in the last 10 years and ask him to fix you. That you are broken inside. Ask him to make it all make sense to you. When you do this sincerely, I assure you that he will respond to you. He will speak to you and you will hear. He will open your eyes in ways that you will know that it is only him, the creator of all mankind that can do such. He loves you so much! You just need to turn your head and look at him, talk to him. Draw near to him, that is the only way karma will forever haunt your oppressors.

    I will also advice you my dear that you stay clear of destructive relationships. Once you see ONE red flag, flee! Flee, to avoid such happening to you again. Believe me God is capable of restoring you and filling that huge void you feel deep down.

    Some people have suggested you listen to Joyce Meyer. I will also recommend Joel Osteen. Stay blessed.

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