inertia

Inertia

For the past year, and a couple of months, it’s felt like I’ve been floating in a fog.

I moved here from Abuja with a sense of purpose (or so I thought), to start my life over from scratch, make a lot of money, and sort out the issues that have plagued me for a large portion of my existence.

Instead, a lot of my plans failed to launch, and I fell into a routine of depression and isolation that seemed to have no end in sight.

It got so bad, that every day going back and forth through Union Station, I’d stand on the platform waiting for my train, and as the train approached, I’d ask myself “would it be so bad if I just jumped?”

I thought about this every day for most of last year, but I couldn’t pluck the courage to do it, and mostly guilt over causing my family pain and worry made me hesitate.

Plus, in a random conversation with someone, I heard that people who jump in front of trains don’t die immediately like I’d always believed. He said they get all twisted up instead, but the force of the train holds them together and keeps them alive, and it’s only when the train is moved back off them that they come apart and die.

I don’t know how true this is, and I’ve had the unpleasant experience of accidentally coming across gory photos online to go look it up, but the possibility of it being true was enough to discourage me significantly.

Just when I thought I was at my darkest moment, I met someone on Twitter in the midst of the online outrage at the chaos unfolding in Ferguson, and fell in love. It was so unexpected, but somehow it just happened, and for a month and a half, from the end of July to the end of August last year, I was the happiest girl in the world.

 

A month and a half, that’s exactly how long our happiness lasted before cracks began to appear. The usual drama of loving a Nigerian man. When we first got together, he told me he and his girlfriend were not working out, and he was ending it in a week or two. Then it was he never specifically said when exactly he would end it, then “let’s just enjoy each other, and stop worrying about that”, and before I knew it, I had found myself in the unenviable position of accidental and unwilling side chick, and I was already too deeply in love to think straight.

Some day, when I can thumb through the memories of the past year with him without breaking down, I might tell that story, but today is not that day. Suffice to say the past year has been a emotional hell of unimaginable torment and misery, broken promises, and shattered dreams, and I wish to goodness I’d had the foresight and good sense to walk away that afternoon we had our very first fight over her. Walked away, and never looked back.

In the midst of the deep, deep depression I’ve been fighting a losing battle with, I stopped writing my blog because it had lost the ability to bring me peace, however momentary from the despair, anxiety and sadness that endlessly threatens to engulf me.


Being with him drew me to Twitter in a way I’d never been before, and somehow 140 characters was just enough for me get out enough emotion to let off some tension, but not enough that I had to sit down and face my unhappiness full on. I broke into a lot of rants on there out of frustration, often crying for hours afterwards because I felt so helpless.

None of it was healthy, so I’m back to the only place that has ever felt like my safe space: this blog that was born to process feelings I was suffering too much to verbally articulate. I feel like I might never be happy or enjoy anything in life again, but I’m old enough to know that that can’t be true. Not that I’ve had any reasons to remain hopeful lately.

I’m going to try and post every other day at least, and possibly every day if I can. I stopped writing in my journal too, so I’ve suppressed almost a year’s worth of pain, heartbreak, self loathing, and misery, which I now have to process properly if I’m ever going to conquer my demons once and for all.

Besides struggling with constant suicidal thoughts, I’ve suffered from utter apathy for little over a year now. Nothing excites me anymore, nothing makes me happy anymore. I’ve simply lacked the will to go on with life or look forward to anything in life or move forward with any of my plans.


I have the sense that if I don’t start some sort of concerted effort to achieve my own recovery, nothing is ever going to change, and sooner or later, I will get tired of fighting these suicidal thoughts and impulses. I’m already so exhausted, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.


But what do we say to the God of Death?

Not today.



There are 33 comments

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  1. Mayowa

    Way to go, girl. You owe it to yourself to move on. Don’t allow someone who has already moved on to halt your life. Your purpose is far more than that. You will overcome this and you will be happy again. what meant a lot to you was a mere fun and game to him, apparently. Bottom line: Prople are selfish with their happiness. You just have to summon that inner will to conjure your own happiness. No need to end a life cos its short anyway. Live it while lasted. Make the most of it and remember your happiness depends on no one let alone a fucking fuck boy. It is solely you, you. *hugs*

  2. Cher

    Just know it always gets better even when it may not seem like it .

    You have so much going for yourself . Your business I can imagine is beggining to boom . You have the hustling spirit of an Igbo woman .

    Let love find you .

    Don’t stop writing , I love your blog and the way you put together words is a gift .

    Don’t let anyone define you .

    All the best .

  3. T

    Sugabelly dear,

    It does get better. I’m glad you are taking the steps to getting out of it. Please see someone about your depression if you can. I’ve been there and like you it was for about a year till I got the help I needed and what beauty it has been since then.
    Hold on to your dreams. See life as a beautiful painting and your experiences as the colours on it. In a few years you will appreciate these experiences, learn from them and move on.

    All the best.

  4. Kenechukwu

    Surprisingly, suicide takes a lot more courage than people think.

    Nne, please try to talk to somebody when you feel the dips. Even venting regularly on your blog can be amazingly therapeutic. This kind of stuff is not what you can fight alone, you will lose. Text somebody, E-mail somebody, Call somebody or Visit somebody

    I’ll hold you to your promise to post something here once every two days

    Wishing you slices of happiness

  5. Lady of the waters

    Just something that I came across today that might be of great interest and cheer you up:

    http://www.okayafrica.com/news/nigerian-comic-startup-spotlights-kickass-female-superheroes/

    As for men, you need to love and heal yourself and find the source of your own power and happiness before looking to some guy to do it for you. It never works that way round.

    You’ve clearly been through a lot of trauma especially around men, sex and relationships and you’re still dealing with the scars. Maybe the information or type of work offered by the following might be one way to go to help heal and move on:

    http://www.angrydevas.com/restoration-after-rape-consutation.html

    or
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHvoEo4mkwc

    or
    http://www.detoxifynow.com/et_pain_body.html

    Finally, I’m very glad you didn’t jump in front of that train.

    To my mind, You are someone very very special with an important mission in this life.
    Your brilliance and talent should not be wasted.
    You’d only regret not having achieved your mission and fully made your mark in this world once you’re dead and it’s too late to change anything.
    And yes, the dead can have regrets…a lot of them.

    Conquer the past and LIVE THIS LIFE so that you have no regrets once it’s over.

  6. Ama

    hey sugabelly,you truly rock! so glad you didnt follow up on that thought, i now understand why you have been AWOL for a while,still i read your old posts,youre special. this might sound cliche to some people but have you tried praying? i find that i deal with stuff a lot better when i have prayed no matter how short it is. i guess youshould

  7. Ama

    hey sugabelly,you truly rock! so glad you didnt follow up on that thought, i now understand why you have been AWOL for a while,still i read your old posts,youre special and we love you. this might sound cliche to some people but have you tried praying? i find that i deal with stuff a lot better when i have prayed no matter how short it is. i think you should

  8. Dapsy

    Whao! Please this should not be real life experience! Let it be pure fiction! I believe it’s fiction. It’s too touching to be true!

  9. David

    I pray for you dear, that God who gives peace, clarity and direction would encounter you by his holy Spirit in Jesus name. Amen….

  10. Silverdoll

    Gosh sugar belly, this was so heartfelt and raw.
    Depression is real and can take one to some deep dark places. Suicide devastats the ones left behind and causes so much pain. When I think of Robin Williams and how hopeless he must have felt to take his own life, despite creating so many happy memories for millions of people’s childhoods, it breaks my heart.

    Please do not struggle alone. I hope you have sought professional help. You deserve to be happy hun. Do this for you!

  11. fluffycutething

    Please do what silverdoll says! Please do it for you! You would come out victorious in the end…. Many of us really want you to pull through…. please do it for us as well

  12. Mercy

    I have been wondering what pushes people to take their own life for a while now. Recently watched a documentary on youtube of a 24 year old Belgian who applied for permission to take her own life (euthanasia; legal in Belgium) because she had suffered from a mental condition since she was a child. It made her cut up her wrists and bang her head into walls and she couldn’t take it anymore. Her request was granted and the documentary told her story from 2 weeks leading up to her death day. She couldn’t follow through eventually (thankfully). The 2 weeks of planning for her death somehow made her happier and got her thinking she could overcome her depression and mental demons. I have read your blog since 2014 and I think you are an incredibly gifted, smart, beautiful and talented young lady. heck! I wish I can write as good as you. I have had my share of heart breaks and I promise you it will get better. Tell that god of death “not today” every day.

  13. weaving the uncertainty of life......

    Found you and your blog by struck of luck…… depression is real and eats deep, yet never strong enough to kill a strong one….That’s you…..since just a lil over 2 hours that I’ve known you. …it’s clear to see that you are a beautiful, strong soul that has much to offer. Even if things don’t seem to be working out now…..there’s still some strength left to see it through…..there’s never an end to the tunnel but I can’t tell you there are many silver linings in stock for you.

    You’ve reinforced my reasons why I should never follow the conception of the massses wirhout experiencing first hand and also why one should never judge a book by its cover…..everything soul has a story to tell! One love from someone who’s been there, still there but keeping strong nevertheless

  14. Bolaji

    You are a strong lady, and I salute your candour. Importantly, you’ve taken the critical step towards recovery: the inertia has been overcome.

    Reach out and seek help; with depression, professional help (therapy) does wonders.

    Don’t allow rejection/heartbreak define your future: you are too smart and intelligent to sabotage yourself!

    PS: I’m visiting your blog for the first time but be assured that I shall be back.

    “Life does throw at us some seemingly confusing circumstances; but how we handle such forges our character.”

  15. Oyinkan

    Praying for you today.
    Not sure what your personal faith beliefs are but with heartache & a numbness that comes from empathy, I pray for the Love that has held me through desperate times. Stronger arms than the arms of any man. Faithful, true, non-manipulative, never abusive.
    It is beyond knowledge though & so I pray today that you would experience the Love of God in an undeniable way. I pray His Love would comfort, heal & restore you. That it would anchor & help you.
    I pray that all the lies, laughs, doubts, voices of shame, disgrace, knives of pain & the thick envelope of fear & shame would be undone by His Love.
    You may have great inertia, numbness and even fierce anger but I pray that you would know that you are loved.
    You may feel spent & done, but I pray for the Light “that thrives in the depths of darkness, blazes through murky bottoms…[that] cannot and will not be quenched.” / “light that shines on in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it” (John 1 v 5) to fill you deep & help you not just carry on but pull through & flourish.
    I believe with all my heart that Jesus loves you with an unrelenting love, He has a great purpose for your life. You have beautiful inspirational giftings but you haven’t even scratched the surface of all the treasure He’s put in you. I pray for Hope that reminds you that life won’t always flow the way it has. Wishing you breakthrough.
    Love & God bless <3

    https://youtu.be/P0FW–zidYA
    http://youtu.be/Rzn2inZ3URE
    Xx

  16. Bola

    Hi SugaB, Hang in there! Was so touched by your story. But please no matter how awful things are know that this too shall come to pass. Heartbreak is real & painful but know you will heal and even wonder what you ever saw in him, I saw this clip about Viola Davis & Tisha Campbell and thought perhaps it will help. Remember the best form of revenge is success… that you are still here striving is living proof that you are stronger than your detractors. Peace! p.s I’ll be praying for you http://xonecole.com/i-wish-i-could-tell-my-sister-that-shes-not-dirty-viola-davis-shares-heartbreaking-story-of-sisters-sexual-assault/

  17. ceeceey

    I feel you or maybe i don’t,all i want to say to you is let go of all the struggles you will never get this right on your own give it all up to Jesus “himself bore all our infirmities”on the cross ,take your worries ,confusions weakness ,vulnerability guilt all of it hand it over to him and watch him replace that void with peace that passes all understanding,he alone can love you the way you need to be loved baby girl give it all up surrender all drag your tired self to him,he is waiting and will be more than happy to pick you up,i wish i could just hug you right now.Jesus loves you.

  18. Olufemi

    Hmnnnn so touching. But urs is not the worst, there are people who have suffer worst fate than yours and still survive. What if a man of ur dream suddenly emerge from God knows where? Never say never. Put your in God own place, He will locate u

  19. Funmi B

    I’m sure you have received several random comments in the last few days. Well, here’s one more from a total stranger who has been impacted by you in less than 24 hrs (Yes, you’re that good!. Trust me… ).

    God will NEVER give up on you Sugarbelly. You are the apple of His eye. Your name is etched in the palm of His hand. He said in His word that even if a mum could forget the child that suckles at her bosoms, He would NEVER forget YOU.

    I pray you get strength and courage enough to focus on God and the simplicity of trusting Him.

    For every event you have had to face all of your life, may He who gives beauty for ashes transform your mind with His peace and wisdom so that you can see that these scars are testaments that your life has a HUGE purpose that must be fulfilled.

    I don’t know you, but I love you and wish you the very best in all things!

    Sugarbelly rocks? Yes she does!!!

  20. Ace of Spadez

    …tender yet courageous , intelligent, expressive, talented, beautiful woman(yes i choose to call you that) with a healthy libido…
    do you realize how many million men on this planet at this very instant would give an arm and a leg to have the above qualities embodied in a woman, a woman they could call their wife..?
    you’re a gem, if you haven’t figured that out yet, you deserve a knock on the head.

  21. T

    Don’t give in to your suicidal thoughts, you’ve come so far and your honestly so strong, those monsters will get what they deserve. Although I’ve been through depression and anxiety myself and still struggle with it from time to time, I cannot begin to imagine the pain and torment you’ve endured for so long. Please do not give in, although you may not be able to see it now due to the darkness that is constantly looming over you, eternal joy and happiness will be yours, your life is precious and is worthy, we all need you sugabelly.

    I wish you the very best in all your endeavours, love and above all true happiness !

  22. Finemocha

    I have lots of advise to give, a lot probably unwarranted. There are 3 things I say to my patients when they tell me of their depression.

    1. I am not a fucking psychiatrist.
    2. I am a Nigerian and won’t sugar coat my words
    3. When you feel sad and down, reach out to people who don’t have half as much as you do.

    Then I smile and write them a prescription for an antidepressant.

  23. Firstlady

    I am rooting for you like a lot of people of who have read your blog are probably doing. After all you have been through, you were still able to come this far. Try to put your past and the people who have hurt where they belong, behind you. You can’t let them win, so don’t give up and be the best you can be. Write down all the good things you like about you and begin to love yourself like no one ever has. You can do this!

  24. KMG

    Some comments here hit the nail on the head as it where, like the one that says this must be fiction. Hope it is. If it is not — and may be it is not, seeing urs on the Mustapha Audu saga — then the one that spoke prayer will be very useful. Prayer is soothing, as sharing too, like the one u do on this blog. We can’t lose u young woman! I only discovered u after the Mustapha thing u tweeted and wrote on. I find ur blog a good read always, as I troll thru ur older posts. So do hang on. Pray. Get religion and not the ceremonial stuff by miracle worship homes. If only u would consider studying, reading up on Islam without any biases u might just grind a lot more peace than u can imagine as u will find a purpose. Islam is not all ISIS or Boko Haram. It is about being good to mankind, grotesquely misrepresented with a lot of help from its enemies using greedy and subliterate persons from within. Do give it a shot, studying it (Islam), you might just find some pleasant surprise there.

  25. Vee

    Just read about you of recent. The Audu M stuff… You are very intelligent, from your write ups. I can never understand what you have been through cos I haven’t experienced it but I know you are very strong, gotta bright future and many people are inspired by you. We love you sugarbelly.

  26. Isi

    I love you Sugababe. I could easily connect with you. You desire to be loved!

    You love with reckless abandon but babes, only God can love you the way u want to be loved.

    As the Lord liveth, this time would pass in Jesus name…

  27. Seth

    Dear SugarB, I think you are clinically depressed. You are showing all the symptoms of someone suffering from clinical depression. You need to consult a mental health professional not any doctor because some doctors in Africa either have a bad attitude or are very ignorant about clinical depression . Please do that as soon as you can and I think you will also benefit from counselling session from a clinical psychologist.


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