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Notes on a Quarter Century

On Sunday, I am going to turn 26. Can you believe it? Neither can I, because I don’t even FEEL twenty-six.

Some of you who have been reading this blog for ages, probably remember that I started writing this blog when I was just seventeen. S-E-V-E-N-T-E-E-N. Let that sink in for a moment. I’ve been writing this blog for almost nine years. This blog is officially the longest thing I have ever done in my life besides staying alive.

By the way, if anyone is so inclined, I'm a huge fan of massages. If you're stumped for ideas on a birthday gift, please see above

If my seventeen year old self could see me now, she’d be very surprised. This isn’t how I imagined being twenty-five would be at all. I really believed that by twenty-five I would be a full-fledged adult with my life thoroughly together, probably even married, and with a baby on the way.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

God, if I didn’t know better, in retrospect, I’d say my teenage self must have been on drugs.

Lately I’ve been overwhelmed by the sense that something huge is missing in my life. Or maybe many little things. I’ve always sensed that there was this wisdom that was supposed to descend on me in my twenties. Sort of like my coronation as an official adult.

I bestow upon thee this adult wisdom that thou might rise up and take thy place among the ranks of high functioning, well adjusted, self-actualized, fulfilled grown ups.

Somehow that hasn’t happened yet, and in a few hours, I will be six years into my twenties without a fucking clue what I am doing or where I am going with my life.

This is me sort of taking stock of where I am, where I’ve been, and what I think the future might hold for me.

Love

I mostly feel like a failure because at 25, I have never had a boyfriend or even a casual romantic relationship, much less a serious one. The most I’ve ever been in romantically is a somewhat unwilling Friends with Benefits situation, and I say unwilling because I was the one who wanted more (aka a real relationship where I was unequivocally his girlfriend), and he kept insisting that we were “Just Friends”.

Yeah because it is common practice between friends to send each other nudes, and have FaceTime sex……nevermind.

So, on the love front, I am woefully inexperienced, and as someone who has been at the very most, a side chick, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t have any expectations for my future anymore as far as love is concerned. I’ve watched friends and acquaintances fall in love and get into relationships with envy, curiosity, and a little bit of awe, because based on my experiences so far, I’ve given up believing that happiness (as far as love and men go) is something that could happen for me.

Recently, what can only be described as my longest ever attempt at something remotely resembling a relationship with a man crashed and burned, throwing me into a deep depression that I haven’t really been able to escape. Six and a half months. That’s how long it lasted, and “lasted” is seriously in question because within that time there were two major fights and separations before the final one, all of which were my fault.

I guess I did warn him in the beginning. I said:

“I’ve never been anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t know how to be anyone’s anything.”

There’s no point recounting how devastated I feel about this latest addition to my long list of romantic and sexual failures. I guess my regret comes from the fact that this is someone I met unexpectedly, and never expected to fall in love with but did anyway. To become so close with someone amazing, and then to lose them due to your own bumbling stupidity….let’s just say it hurts, and I’m angry with myself.

When I was younger, I used to think I was cursed, but now there’s a dull acceptance about it, and I subconsciously do my best to avoid men and love / romantic overtures because I already know it’s going nowhere because somehow I’ll find a way to sabotage it and destroy everything.

Money

Something I learned pretty soon after I graduated college is that money always comes. No condition is permanent, and especially around Nigerians, sooner or later, your fortune will change, and whence you were once broke, you’ll be flush with cash again. That being said, my experiences since turning 18 have impressed upon me the importance of having money, and these days I’m actively trying to save and have money in reserve for once, instead of spending every penny I have like I used to.

Being financially stable is extremely important to me. I’ve lived through having a lot of money, and I’ve lived through having to make five dollars last an entire month.

One thing I’ve realised is that money might not be able to buy happiness, but it can buy the freedom to pursue happiness.

So for the first time in my life really, I’ve got clear financial goals that I’m working towards, and I guess it makes me feel a bit more like an adult every time I accomplish each little saving milestone I’ve set.

The Rest

I’m not particularly excited about turning twenty-six, but I think I can be happy with the fact that I’ve completed my twenty-sixth year a better and much more mature person than I did my twenty-fifth. My one wish for this new year is to constantly do my best, and make this a much better year than last year.

I might technically be an adult, but some things will never change.




There are 11 comments

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  1. Hoops

    I love your writing and how you express yourself. The 20s are very much topsy turvy for most people, even the ones who seem it have it together are usually just doing a fantastic job of faking it so don’t sweat it.
    I think you’re an amazing young lady who’s grown in leaps and I wish you a good year. Happy 26th! Love and [more] money will find you. Cheers xx

  2. OG

    I can relate to everything you said, I’m 25 and just became someone’s boyfriend for the first time. I think relationships are not necessary except you both have a clear goal, it can be a huge distraction.
    As for finances, I’m at the bottom of the food chain, my pay is scraps and I have no idea what I’m doing career wise.
    Everyday, I take stock and try to figure out ways to make my life better. The first step is having a plan, because without one progress can’t be made.
    The 20s is a learning process and should be fun.

    Happy birthday

  3. cocoa

    You are way too young to conclude so solidly that love will never find you. I would say focus on making YOU Significant and then will you see that indeed you are worthy to be someone else’s Significant Other. All in life is a process. I’m glad you’re taking a practical approach towards finances, having a savings plan is very adult hehe. You just need to take the same practical approach towards every area of your life. If you haven’t already, explore God, only Him can reveal to you your purpose and give your life a center point. And then will you always know, no matter what you go through, that the GREATEST OF ALL AND EVERYTHING….has your back!!!! Chin up Girl!!

  4. Doch

    Hey girl! I hope you figure out what you want to do. I’m still in the process of realizing it as well (might have just made a major break through). Its easier said than done but I kinda sense that you are amazeballs and fearless so it shouldn’t be an issue. I just realized yesterday that my journal is 5 years old. Started it when I was 15 in the earlier years I wrote “screw men they give you babies and heartbreak”

  5. Sir Cocci

    Hello Sugabelly, i have been fascinated, about your write up and sincerity, but the lil years I have lived, I do know that we all on earth live through life with a fealing of missing out something huge and “YES”, most times we do not always end up the way we planned it from the start especially for people like you that are multi talented and can easily fit in almost everywhere. In times like this I always advice one to be flexible with what life has to throw at you and hey, dont you worry, keep on practising and honing your talent, you are not too far from where you are goingt to “fit in” in this life.

    About LOVE,…lol…dont worry either, keep a clear mind and have faith in love…We always attract what we believe in on the long run despite short term failures. I sometimes feel its the way it has to be for some people in order to learn more about it. I see your drawings have taken better shape wif enough time and practise over the years, so it applies to other facets in life. Just keep the faith and learn from every mistakes dear, someday you will become a consultant of life… WISHING YOU A BETTER 27th BUFDAY DEAR

  6. lanre

    i don’t know you but I really like you (no homo). I would like to connect and talk more if you like. I feel I can connect with you on a deeper level… i know it all sounds so strange and I’m not really sure what I’m asking but I hope to hear from you.

    Not a wierdo I promise. @psychgossip on twitter.


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