Sugabellysex

The Seven Reasons I Had Sex

I was caught in one of those rare moments when one has too little to do and much too much time on one’s hands, and it caught my fancy to write a list of every man I’ve ever had sex with.

So many people get all bent out of shape about the number of people we have sex with, but does anyone care about the why?

As the list emerged, I began to think about each name on the list, and the specifics surrounding our sexual encounter(s). Most of this involved examining my relationship with each man, what had led me to have sex with him, and whether I had felt anything for him at the time.

On a whim, I decided to write down the most dominant reasons why I had had sex in each situation, and working my way down the list, some things about the pattern that emerged took me a little by surprise.

It turns out, that I have only ever had sex for seven reasons in my life.

In no particular order, they are…

Depression

The first time I ever had sex, I was severely depressed. I was incredibly unhappy, and I just wanted to forget everything, and make all my troubles go away.

It didn’t work, and it was incredibly disappointing.

Pressure

I didn’t like him or love him, and my attraction to him was at best tepid to lukewarm, but everyone seemed to think he was the perfect guy for me, and that we made such a cute couple.

He thought so too, and eventually I caved to pressure and dated him for a few months.

Lust

It just sort of happened all at once. Once the stone got rolling, it was all downhill from there. An accidental picture on Facebook, then a quick detour to get shawarma turned into an afternoon spent splayed out naked on the fully reclined passenger seat of a red Mercedes, breathlessly steaming up the windows as my toes struggled not to accidentally turn off the AC or change the radio station.

Coercion

Threats, bites, huge hands wrapped around my throat and squeezing until I couldn’t breathe. High fives, hotels, terror, and military sex games. It took me six months and three thousand miles to get away from him, and I’m still not okay.

Curiosity

My first (and his) interracial experience. It ended in a disastrous tsunami of self consciousness and embarrassment.

Boredom

He was just there, and he had a thick dick. I was just counting down the weeks until I could leave that hellhole of a place, where I had nothing and no one to care about, and expectations fallen so low I could squash them beneath my feet.

He was pretty, he had always been pretty, and the thought had occasionally crossed my mind. So on a first orientation night in an international house where I had come to make friends but knew no one, the opportunity presented itself.

Love

Shy, nervous, but very very happy.

It was a summer of quiet nights spent in, playing video games on PS3, howling in frustration at getting taken out during a 7 point kill streak by camping assholes in Call of Duty. Then soft kisses in the darkness, polite requests to touch, and wrapping our arms and legs around each other to lie in the afterglow, his face buried in my breasts, me kissing his hair and watching him sleep.

“Your heart is beating so fast…. is it… because of me?”

This is what he asked me.

What’s on your list?



There are 229 comments

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    • Lolita

      Love
      Lust
      Money
      Pressure
      Boredom
      Curiosity
      Desperation
      Gun pressed to the back of my head during a robbery. I had my period and I can remember him saying how the blood will make it sweeter. When he was done I lay on the floor in front of my hostel, nightie hiked up, period blood streaked and drying on my ass, staring up at the stars in complete and utter disbelief at what had just happened to me……oh yeah, no condom.

      • sugabelly

        Your last reason was horrific. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’ve been raped too and I remember the dead, dazed feeling when he finished and afterwards, just lying there and telling yourself that it wasn’t you, it didn’t happen, etc.

        I hope you’re okay emotionally, mentally, and physically, and I hope there weren’t any negative health issues later. Thanks for being brave enough to share.

        Is this for the “Desperation” reason, or is Desperation separate. If it’s separate could you please explain?

        I liked your reasons very much.

        *Hugs*

  1. mpb

    I love this post. Like you said not a commonly thought of topic. I am also going to think deeply about this and see what my reasons were, and come back and update my comment.

  2. Visitor

    I’m on the other extreme. I’ve never had sex. The major reason… Fear. Yeah, I know. I don’t know how I got a sex phobia… but so far so good, I have been able to date people without exposing my secret… hehehe… Don’t know how much longer I can though.

    • sugabelly

      I don’t think I was ever really afraid of having sex. I think I just wasn’t ready. When I finally did I still wasn’t ready but I think I was readier than I was before. Personally I don’t think there’s any reason to have sex if you don’t feel you’re ready for it.

      I would just tell the people I’m dating up front, this is going to be a sexless relationship until further notice.

  3. Joie

    Fear – I was trapped and afraid of the consequences of saying no
    I was afraid that I would lose him if I didn’t
    Love
    Desire for love/ low self esteem
    Pressure
    Money

    Some of these reasons were with the same person/ people funny enough. Great topic

    • sugabelly

      I can relate a lot to your reasons. I’ve also felt the fear of losing someone if I refused sex and I’ve definitely had sex for the desire for love / or rather the desire to be loved, since in most cases I was the one doing the loving and not being loved back.

  4. Emahutak

    To get rid of my hymen
    Money
    Fear
    Alcohol
    Coercion
    Curiosity
    Lust
    Love

    Some of the reasons apply about twice or thrice to different people.

    • sugabelly

      Lol @ your first reason. Was it such a burden?

      I don’t think I’ve ever had sex because of alcohol or money interestingly enough.

      I know a lot of people consider having sex for money prostitution but I’ve always felt incredibly envious of girls who are able to have sex and receive huge sums of money and expensive gifts like cars and houses in exchange.

  5. Berry Dakara

    This is an interesting post!

    Low self-esteem drove my MISTAKES in the past. I really felt unattractive and that the only way to stand out was to be sexy. Unfortunately, after a point, it seemed like that was the only thing about me and males couldn’t see beyond that.

    • sugabelly

      Thanks!

      I used to consider some of my past sexual experiences mistakes. I’m fairly sure that if I were able to go back, I wouldn’t repeat a lot of them.

      However, I’m not sure I would be entirely the person I am today had I not experienced what I did. So who knows? Are they really mistakes.

      And I think it’s a terrible failing on the part of men that simply because a woman has sex a lot, or likes sex, they are unable to see beyond her sexual habits and insist on reducing an infinitely complex human being to tiny list of sexual labels.

      It’s sad. I’m sure there are a lot of girls out there that loved and were rejected because their sexual behaviour was considered too scandalous by men who were otherwise happy to sleep with them in secret but not date them or marry them.

  6. mpb

    I am back, and after reading everyone’s comments, it seems indeed that most women have sex for the same reasons. Mine are:
    1) Thanks to all the mills and boons, temptations and other such books I was immensely curious about losing virginity. That was my first and it was such a painful disappointment.
    2) lust
    3) Relationship. Usually, in my relationships I tried to be celibate but being in a relationship where you sleep over and make out broke my self control
    4)When the guy started seeming a little distant, and I thought it would help keep him around
    5)Coerced/forced/”rape?” This one has always been confusing for me, because it was a guy I was in a relationship with and when we were making out and going too far, I said no, but he used his body weight and had his way. Afterwards he starts crying, profusely apologetic and for some reason I did not feel betrayed, I was disappointed it happened then instead of later when I was absolutely ready but then I felt if i wasnt making out with him naked it wouldnt have happened. The next time we had sex, it wasnt till I initiated it and we were in a relationship leading to marriage until i broke it off. Is that rape? My friend said it is, I felt coerced but not raped. So I dont know. Lol i know, I am weird.

  7. kene

    Boredom?!
    *falls off chair* You should have taken up knitting instead
    On a serious note, that line between coercion and rape is really thin and it is often difficult to say what was what.
    But I also agree that undue pressure and curiosity are top on many sincere lists
    Ekenekwam unu!

      • Me

        I don’t think Coercion is rape though there is a very thin line between it. There are times you go ahead with a sexual activity not because u want to do it but because you need ur peace and you might not get it until you go ahead with it.

        • Emil

          Coercion is rape; plain and simple. Once a girl or guy says no, then let it stay no. Nigerian guys are so fond of doing this, a little persistence goes a long way to score; she doesn’t really mean no; but she does…. Don’t be stupid!!!

  8. SugarRush

    Nne, your honesty is so refreshing. You make the things we were “taught/forced” to cover-up shamefully available for open conversation. We need to talk about these things.

    The resounding common denominator is a feeling of emptiness, disappointment, and regret afterwards. Would you agree?

    Would you advice a younger person against premarital sex?

    I have been following you for a longtime. I admire the woman you are growing into. You are so talented, beautiful, brilliant and honest. I admire your courage to bare it out, to be different, and to live life on your own terms. I hope that you appreciate and admire yourself as much as some of us do.

    • sugabelly

      I think the feeling of emptiness or regret / disappointment hasn’t so much to do with the sex itself as it has to do with the man with whom the sex was had.

      I’ve found that in any random coupling of two people, often the woman and the man are having sex for vastly different reasons. Often the woman is more greatly emotionally invested in the sexual act than the man, and intentionally or not the man’s emotional indifference shines through, disappointing the woman, whose probable aim was to experience and strengthen feelings of closeness or bond with the man through sex.

      Men are taught that women are objects to be used, and a lot of young women craving affection from men they like or love have sex to be close to the object of their affection and feel hurt when he doesn’t bond back.

      So I don’t think marriage has anything to do with it. A lot of married men are emotionally distant, and this is just the way men in general behave due to the influences of society.

      Getting married isn’t going to magically change that or so many Nigerian women wouldn’t be miserably married.

      I think it has more to do with sex with the right person for hopefully the right reasons. As a mutual expression of affection or love where both parties feel loved instead of one party (usually the woman) feeling used and objectified when it’s over.

      Also, because of the pornification of everything, more and more women are under immense pressure to turn each sex act into an elaborate performance for the enjoyment of the man. Not only is this physically and mentally taxing on the woman, but every step of the way she is being judged viciously by the man and held to an impossible airbrushed, stage managed standard that internet porn stars represent.

      The result is that women come away from sex feeling empty and soulless, which shouldn’t be so.

      I don’t know what is going to change it, but I’m 100% sure it has nothing to do with marriage because married men also watch porn and consequently their wives are increasingly being held to this impossible standard too.

  9. mizchif

    Very, very interesting.

    That part “splayed out in the fully reclined seat of the merc”………hot!

    I do the list thing from time to time but have never really thought about reasons. Should do this exercise soon. However like MPB i know the main reason initially was curiousity thanks to all the M&Bs.
    I also envy girls who get loads of cash/gifts in exchange for sex.

    • sugabelly

      I’m still totally waiting to hear your reasons!

      As for being splayed out in the Mercedez, that ended up happening a lot with him. We had sex in his car almost every night. Maybe it was me being a teenager and not having a place to go for privacy, so I made him park his car down dark streets all over Abuja and turn the AC up which steamed up the windows while we had sex in the reclined seats.

      I honestly would love to get money and gifts in exchange for sex. I really don’t understand why this is viewed as taboo.

  10. Kaura

    Emh, Interesting comments guys, I’m 23 and I haven’t had sex yet but reasons I would want to
    1) curiousity:I just want to know what the big deal is and to get it over and done with
    2) lust: more so just horny lol
    3)love: I’m not sure if love is a real thing yet but that might be a reason I think.

    I gave up on the whole “wait till marriage thing” a while ago. Also as a virgin I tether between feeling like virginity is something i need to guard, and then wondering why I need to guard it? I do need some experience to figure out what I like, I also wonder if waiting too long will I even be good at it?
    Did any of you wish you could take back your experiences? Also Ms. Sugabelly I’ve missed your posts, please don’t do blog-vacation to much :p

    • CEE

      You remind me of me at 23, when I felt exactly like you did, and one day after a nasty heartbreak, i saw a gorgeous boy and decided, it’s about DAMN time! And just like that, the very first reason aI had sex was LUST, and it inevitably escalated into crazy love.

    • GABBY

      After reading so many comments, you realize that sex is not a mystery. It is an act… it is a verb not a noun. You decide how you want it to be. It is meant to be exhilarating, however, it’s not up to you alone. A lot depends on your partner too… apart from love, he should be kind and gentle especially when it’s your first time. Considering this, I believe if you consider a man good enough as a husband and he cherishes you enough to marry you, then sex might be good. I had sex for the first time at 32. My main reason was because of my faith as a christian. I had sex for the first time with the man I love and he was very gentle and patient. I don’t get orgasmic all the time but I have fun.

    • Abi

      ‘Also as a virgin I tether between feeling like virginity is something i need to guard, and then wondering why I need to guard it?’
      I swear its like we’re the same person, I’ve been thinking the same thing to about feeling the need to guard my virginity and then revert to asking myself why I’m guarding it in the first place. Aaaand we’re the same age too.
      We need to be friends lol

    • Folake

      This is me exactly. I’m just 21 but I think I’ve also lost faith in the whole guard your virginity thing. I am however very determined to have sex only when I want to, and not because I was pressured or coerced.

      I have a boyfriend, but I think I would much rather want my first time be with a stranger (I once almost caved to a hot Egyptian!). This is because I want to avoid any resentment, clinginess (on my part), sense of entitlement, burden (on my bf’s part).

      And also, I have a feeling that when I do start having sex, I may be having a lot of it (no superficial hangups).

  11. carol

    Such an interesting topic! Honestly, up until I was 23 and had my first truly enjoyable (mind-blowing, really) sexual experience, I’d only been having sex “for the sake of it”. I had never enjoyed sex before then, even though I had been in a few relationships and had had a few casual encounters. I was basically just going through the motions, because I felt like that’s what you’re supposed to do. I had very very low self esteem, and I remember having sex with guys I wasn’t even attracted to just because I was afraid to say no, all the while wondering why I wasn’t enjoying it. I thought something was wrong with me because I never felt anything…no pleasure, no orgasms…nothing. I even started to wonder if I was gay or worse, asexual. Then I met someone who sparked something in me. It was amazing. For the first time in my life I felt like a sexual being, and I loved it. Although we’re not together anymore, I’ll never forget the experience I had with him. Ever since my experience with him, I realized how much power I have, and I’m not willing to give it up to anyone ever again.

    • sugabelly

      Was the sex after marriage your first time? Or was it just after marriage for this particular relationship? Was it good? Did you like it? Would you have changed anything?

  12. W!

    I haven’t had sex yet but I’ve crossed many lines (kissing, touching and recently cuninlingus). And I haven’t been able to tell why I did it, after cuninlingus with someone I wasn’t even dating, I have felt cheap and I hated myself for that. Maybe someday I’ll fall in love and have sex with someone I really do care about.
    And when I do I hope it’ll be for the ‘right’ reasons. If there’s ever any such thing.

    • sugabelly

      You’re not a commodity. You don’t have a price. You can neither be cheap nor expensive. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for enjoying sex. Men have sex with faceless hordes of women every day and never feel guilty.

      • Amyn

        God bless you and I am kissing you in my mind right for that response.
        You are the real MVP!
        Just heard about you on LindaIkeji and I have to say, you are awesome!

        Amazing post by the way, and I’m gonna reply on my blog:-), with credit to you of course!
        Stay fabulous…x

        • sugabelly

          Thanks! It’s always super nice to meet someone who’s reading my blog for the first time. Most of the people that comment here are regulars. Reply with a link to the post when you do!

          • Lala

            Sugabelly, it’s safe to say that you are like my kindred spirit. lol. You literally seem to say what is on my mind with so much gutso and confidence. Big ups….

            Now, here is my list…
            Love
            Infatuation
            Lust
            Lust
            More Lust….

  13. Christo Oyee

    The reasons you have had sex are almost same reasons why all of us had. (some have had for money though, as affirmed in some of the comments). But whatever it is, sex is sex, as long as it is consensual.
    I hate that we Nigerians form saints whenever sex is mentioned anywhere. Anyone who wants to remain a virgin till 75 yrs should go ahead, he/she is not doing someone else any favour/harm. and whoever wants to have sex should just go ahead and have it. it is their body, I only advise protection, and even with that, it is their life. people will do whatever they want to do regardless of what anyone thinks about it. Nice write up. I followed you on twitter, and I asked for a follow back. Thanks

    • sugabelly

      Love – did you feel like the sex augmented the love between you or no?

      Depression – did it help? Are you still depressed?

      Money – would you do it again for this reason? Was the money good or worth it?

      Lust, haha i have no comments on this one. Lust is probably one of the most straightforward reasons we have sex.

    • Lush Baby

      Saw your tweet on linda ikeji blog,followed you on twitter and got a link to your blog and what you are talking about is real dear,sex subject in this part of the world is seriously avoided but the truth must be said,keep it up dear.

  14. Lush Baby

    Yeah, it was goooooood,i was on top most of the time and switch styles later,he was good at it,its not his first time so he has learnt his own techniques too.

  15. Chantel

    Okay so i saw this post Linda ikeji did of you and i was like ‘this girl is the other side of me’ lool so i decided to start following you on twitter. I follow a couple of people who follow you and saw the ‘NHBI’ tag and i just smiled. Someone who would say it like it is. I think the number of humans one has had sex with shouldn’t be anyone’s BI.

    Anyway in another news…i had sex:

    1. Pressure
    2. Love
    3. Lust
    4. FWB

    okaybye..lol…www.mchantella.blogspot.com

  16. mildred

    Personally I think there should be a. Website or Something where girls can talk about their sexcapades I. Just had sex with an exboyfriend I don’t know where to categorise it am presently drunk and maybe. That’s the reason but it was rougher than I remember in the process my boyfriend called me I answered we talked and aldou he didn’t suspect a thing I don’t know how am feeling.

      • sugabelly

        Huh, I never heard of that. Bout to check it out. But won’t it probably be more American oriented? We need something exclusively for Nigerian women.

    • sugabelly

      There absolutely should, but hey! We’re talking about it now here aren’t we? I’m on the fence about sex with exes. I don’t think it’s bad per se, but there’s just that chance for emotions to get involved so probably not a good idea.

      If you love your current boyfriend, you probably shouldn’t do it again and forget it happened at all.

  17. Mims

    1. Hormones. Was so horny all the time. Those M&Bs and sex mags left lying around by some older relatives definitely fuelled the fire.

    2. Sexual Abuse by same older relatives.

    3. Curiosity

    4. Lust

    5. Power

    6. Loneliness

    7. Reward/Gift

    8. I only did it for LOVE once and he’s the one I married.

    I really love your honesty. I want to be that open but I’m too bothered by people’s response. Shame ey?! Keep doing what you’re doing, girl.

  18. E

    Linda has no idea what she started. There are equally mature minds out there (like Suga) who have been dying to have someone with a view on life soooo refreshing.

    1 of d comments tagged you “psycho”
    I love me your breed of psycho! *grins*

    SEX
    Hmmn
    Much ado about something sooo…
    Iono.
    My first experience was rape.
    All I could feel after was fear, shame, disgust… a lot of mixed emotions.
    Then came love. I loved him so and wanted him to change my view on men and Sex.
    Not a pretty end and that triggered d gamophobe in me.
    In all of that, I’ve been on a sexual journey in search of an orgasm (which I still haven’t found)
    My list
    Coercion/Rape
    Love
    Lust (my second favourite)
    Depression (almost doesn’t take me out of d mood)
    Curiosity (mixed results)
    Boredom
    To get d pest off my back (after a look night of stop it and get your hands off me. I av to b kinda attracted to him for this to happen tho. This can be categorised under pity sex no?)
    Loneliness
    I’ll take my time to think more on it when I’ve got time on my hands.

    I’m definitely stuck on u @suga, she just got you another BV. *fist bump*

    • E

      Oh! I forgot to add the very controversial “financial gain” to it. Was totally uncomfortable with the feeling after so it was a one time stop at this station.

    • Janice

      I’d been reading through and wondering if no one ever had sex with anyone out of pity…

      Pity features big on my list…

  19. ads

    Hmmmmm.
    I never thought of rsns for sex per say n I can’t say I regret it.
    Im really sexual n have been masturbating since secondary school. I just thought I shd wait till I’m a little older to have sex, sort of like waiting to have a drink.
    with my first bf I didn’t go all d way for about 6mths though we were doing all d other stuff.
    maybe it was love sha but sex was sth I enjoyed n looked forward to.
    there have been bad sexual experiences like eating at a bad joint. but d good ones have been so worth it.
    but if I were to do a list it wd be for fun 🙂
    gifts n money came n pampering, maybe that’s why love too came but majorly fun

  20. Bae

    Stumbled upon your blog today and i must say i love that you’re open…and i love this post.
    My reasons: Curiosity, love, lust and persuasion.

    • sugabelly

      Thanks! I’m probably the most open and honest on my blog than anywhere else. It’s my safe space to just be myself and process my feelings.

  21. Lamidi

    Don’t think I saw any man comment on this. Most of my sexual experiences have been with hookers, so I’ll just slay lust. Other reasons are interest from the other party and social pressure

    • sugabelly

      Any particular reason why most of your experiences have been with hookers? Was it just convenient or is approaching women and developing a relationship too much stress or drama? I’m curious.

      • Lamidi

        Approaching women and developing a relationship can be stressful. Also, you don’t want to chase a woman for the sole purpose of wanting to shag her.

        • sugabelly

          I know what you mean. I’ve often had moments where I’ve wished I could just pay for sex, but sex is very emotional for me and I can’t do it unless there’s an emotional connection so the process of developing the relationship to that point can be time consuming, and worse, it might still not work out.

  22. Another Male

    Dear Sugabelly,

    I’ve enjoyed your post and in the spirit of openness I’m going to
    share a bit about myself.

    As a young boy I was raped a lot by two female cousins who were
    supposed to look after me. One of them kept it going for years. That
    messed me up in all sorts of ways and I didn’t even know it for a long
    time. And, of course, that’s not something you can talk about as a
    Nigerian man. I’ve never even told my family members and both cousins
    are now late.

    My unresolved issues may be why I have the exact opposite of Premature
    Ejaculation, something called Retarded Ejaculation (a doctor told me
    this during my Youth Service many years ago). What Retarded
    Ejaculation means is that I can go for long without ejaculating,
    sometimes for days. (Guys, if you think that’s a great ability to
    have, forget it. It can be super frustrating and sometimes leaves me
    so sad and miserable and even suicidal. (Yes, I think about suicide
    now and then.)

    Anyway, I guess I’m addicted to sex. I masturbate fairly often (enjoy
    it more than actual sex with many women), have some street and Badoo
    girls on tap, and it seems I’m always on the lookout for the random
    girl who telegraphs a readiness to have sex for whatever reason.

    As to my reasons for having sex, I had a think through and here’s my list:

    1. Boredom/Depression (I battle both extensively; even tried religion
    for a while.)

    2. Lust (Obviously, I have a high sex drive; I often just want to “do it”.)

    3. Curiosity (In the distant past I had gay sex more than once to see
    what the fuss is about. It did nothing for me, but I’m tolerant
    towards gays. I’m also often curious to find out if a girl who looks
    really sexy will be great in bed; very often she isn’t.)

    4. Love (Yes, I have been in love a few times and it is a wonderful
    and sometimes terrifying feeling.)

    5. Pressure/Mercy Sex (I’ve had exes call me up at night just because
    they want to get laid. Like most men would be, I’m flattered and go
    happily to serve.)

    6. To relive a great feeling ( About 9 years ago, I met a street girl
    here in Abuja with whom I’ve had some of my greatest sexual
    experiences. It got so good that I even asked her to marry me. She
    wisely refused but still sleeps with me now and then, and yes, it is
    70% of the time still great sex. I’ve also met a couple or so Badoo
    girls who really blew my mind, but the feeling either didn’t last or
    at some point I decided I’d spent enough on the girl. One great Badoo
    girl turned rude, and I’m a mostly polite person and expect same,
    especially if I’m paying for the service.)

    7. To get my money’s worth (I try to be a gentleman, but when a girl
    turns me into an ATM [I can be generous to a fault], I start thinking
    I’d better make her work for it.)

    Okay. Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest.

    • that_igala_boy

      This had me in stitches and then sober again. Truth is most guys have similar stories (well maybe sans the gay part. I say that most respectfully). But you pretty much sum us up.

      Thats something that worries me tho. The number of guys who have been sexually abused and who cannot really speak about it because as a guy your are expected to like it and be grateful.

      Oh well…

    • Jibola

      First off bigups to sugabelly, your confidence to be this open and the way you express yourself..Fucking awesome!!! I absolutely love it.

      Then the crux of my comment, the much overlooked male sexual abuse by older females. Up until recently I’ve been bogged down wondering why i had astronomically high libido, another_male’s comment just opened my eyes to the cause.
      My first couple of sexual experiences ended in pain, endless romping for hours with only blue balls to show for it at the end, the pain!!! Hypersexuality was the order of the day for a while as well, just rolling around with a boner for no reason exactly but i was young and too shy to act out. For some reason I think i’m “regressing” to the norm which i’m gratefull for cos i’ve been in a loving sexful relationship with a firecracker of a woman. Long story short, sexual abuse fucks up men too, just as bad as women!!

      Onto my reasons for having sex:
      1. Peer pressure: everyone was doing it , didn’t want to carry last. Fucking disappointing experience, i’m with you on this one ladies.
      2. Curiosity: just want to see the booty jiggle
      3.Lust/ Hypersexuality.
      4.love: sex with someone you love(mutual love). One of the most rewarding things you could do with your time in this world. Earth Shattering stuff. Never thought a cum-face could bring so much joy!

      Sugabelly you just got yourself a new regular and follower.

    • God is the answer.

      This happens more than you think. Right through ages 5-9 years old, I was regularly sexually abused by two of my aunts. One will make me go down on her with instructions of what to do whilst down there. It was full blown sex with my other aunty. I still feel embarrassed and ashamed as I’m putting this together…

      I think out of f**ed up guilt, the one that made me regularly performed cunnilingus on her used to beat the s**t out of me out of made up misdemeanours. As I grew older, in analysing the horror I experienced from this particular aunty, my only explanation for the general abuse might be to assert fear and/or control. Whatever her reasons were, it really wasn’t great for my self esteem, I was a messed up little child. I attempted suicide at the age of 9 by drinking a whole bottle of a methylated medication, when one of the aunty told me that she was going to report me for the sex she made me have with her. Even as a child I just could not face the shame…

      The trauma, shame and guilt is life long. Romance or sex was off the table for me for well over 25 years until I met my now wife, I remained celibate. Yes, right through school, colleges and university I remained celibate, acquaintances (yes, acquaintances, as I did not have any friend because I obviously had trust issues) thought I was gay, but then didn’t find any man (or woman for that matter with me), I was a loner, still am to some extent. Their suspicions were aroused because of the suspicion I treated women with when they showed any sort of “interest”, I would run a mile if a woman approached, I have been told several times that I am a very good looking man, but, within me, I was still that 5 year old, my sexual emotion was stunted.

      For me, I found God and met a woman that understood me. Yes, God helped built up my self esteem through the inner strength I had from him. The scar still exist but I am healed.

  23. JIDE

    Just tot how much must have been close laying a particular lady. All reasons to seem commonplace on everyone’s list. Will definitely have a go one more time!
    My list ‘ll be…
    Physical endowments
    Desire: can’t say NO to a woman!

  24. IWatchTheNation

    Great post and greater topic.

    First off, I’m a guy and love honest sisters like you. I don’t feel like I need to defend you because as I see it , you are doing just fine.
    My first time on your blog too.

    13 guys and peeps are flipping? Babes, you’re a learner compared to those ‘holy’ pontificating tweeps.

    Stay safe!

  25. Chuks

    Wow! You are insanely awesome. I am coming here for the first time ever and you are so cool. Even my girlfriend likes you. Nice to see someone factually honest like her. Maybe you can meet her sometime soon.

    So my reasons…
    1. Curiousity (was over 25, that’s something for a guy).
    2. Boredom (was getting bored with my girlfriend (same girl above) and wanted a different ‘perspective’).

    Weirdly, with the amount of time I spend online (I am a Social Media Manager), I wonder why I am just hearing about you.

  26. that_igala_boy

    Finally, there’s something to be grateful to Linda Ikeji for. The hullabaloo on her blog has led me to a beautiful mind.

    My list

    Curiosity
    Peer pressure
    Lust
    Love
    Lust
    Lust
    Power
    Money
    Lust
    Love

    As a guy its seems somewhat strange to say I had sex for money, but dang!!! She had a lot of it. So…

  27. Another Dude

    Like the other peeps commenting here, I came across your blog via Linda and Twitter… I was honestly blown away by your honesty and openness with regards to a topic most like to keep wrapped away in a dark closet… Don’t change 🙂

    Some of the reasons I can rationalise include those listed below and some apply multiple times with different partners.

    Curiosity
    Love
    Lust
    Friends with benefits
    Boredom
    Horny

    Funny enough i am now in a relationship with my girl friend who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage… 11 months of celibacy and counting. I guess love can bring out the best in you….

  28. Janice

    Dear Sugarbelly,

    Thanks for staying true to yourself. It’s the only way to make progress in life. I can’t imagine why anyone would criticise self assessment… However, stated above, I must confess that if I am anything to go by, you are a learner. 😉 

    And to my list:

    Lust
    Simply being horny
    Lots of pity
    Power- ‎a long time ago, knowing I could make any man desire me used to give a jolt of that.

    I’m glad there are people out there ready to be open and honest about their lives and choices. Thanks for helping others open up.‎

  29. Anonymous

    No
    Yes.
    No because I didn’t have sex
    Yes because I was raped
    Jesus is our healer
    Just one; the rapist and he didn’t even finish
    He fingered me, couldn’t bear to break the hymen
    Most guys see virgins as trouble

  30. Ebunoluwa

    Curiosity
    FWB
    Thank you for being very open. I have just one female friend who I can be open with, without being judged. Nigerian females have been brainwashed into believing that you shouldn’t enjoy sex or talk about it. Just spread your legs and do it for your future babies.

    • sugabelly

      I wish I could give you stars for this comment.

      So many Nigerian women are super judgmental of other women about sex, especially in their late teens/early twenties.

      I remember girls (myself included) being branded sluts and prostitutes for doing things as tame as kissing a boy or letting him fondle their breasts.

      How did your Friends with Benefits arrangement turn out?

  31. anonymous

    This topic is often avoided by many people including grown ups who have done it a lot. Well I’ve never had sex but scenes of it have come up in my mind a coupla times and trust me it feels real when u imagine it. Though in making out I’ve gone faaaaaaar but still very much curious about what the real sex feels like.
    I honestly think its overrated too but I really wanna wait till marriage so I don’t give myself to someone who’ll just have that part of me and walk away. Another reason I think I haven’t done it yet is the fear of pain, heard its painful and messy for like the first five times…lol its just annoying. Can’t wait to do it and get over the curiosity. God made it for married couples to enjoy so I must enjoy mine! I pray I give my husband maximum satisfaction too *wink

    • sugabelly

      Well not to shit all over your beliefs but if your husband is not equally saving himself for marriage to you then I don’t really see the point.

      So many women that make a huge fuss about virginity end up marrying men that are sluts and whores so I’m not really sure what the point is when nine times out of ten the burden is put on women while men do whatever they like.

      That being said. My first time was really painful but not unbearable. I didn’t bleed and I don’t think you will either. Virgins and bleeding are seriously overhyped IMHO. Unless your husband is a complete brute and just rams it into you, I would be surprised if you bled.

      It does hurt the first couple of times. Sex in general is overrated. It’s generally more pleasurable for men and few women orgasm from penetration alone.

      If you want to enjoy it my advice would be to get to know your clitoris and learn to please yourself so you can guide your husband on what feels good for you ( assuming he’s a virgin too ).

      Again unless your first time is with an animal there’s no reason to expect it to be messy.

      Painful? Yes. But messy? Not really. You should have a good lubricant and use lots of it and have him penetrate you SLOWLY and everything should be good.

  32. Seyifunmi

    I’m not really a patient person when it come to reading comments and typing my own comment but I just had to do this. I really think you’re amazing! Your opinions and openness is really refreshing. I don’t need to make a list of the guys I’ve slept with … (Just a lil more than yours) but my reasons are these:
    – Sexual Abuse. I was 10+ when I first had sex and it was an older relative…. (I still regret it not because I would still be virgin at my present age but cos I wish I had been left with the choice to give out my virginity to a man of my choice)
    – Low self esteem/ desire to be loved. I can sum up my reasons for having sex with most of the guys I’ve been with under this reason.
    – Thinking that sex would make him stay. I don’t think this reason and the one above is the same, I had always heard that sex and love are two different things! Experience taught me nicely.
    – Horny. Yeah so there were those couple of guys (an ex and a guy that was into me) I totally called up cos I was horny and I was sure they were available.
    – Random Sex. I got to a point in my life where I stopped adding sentiments to sex! So this happened with 1 guy, I was crashing at his’ ( he’s my friend’s uncle) I hardly went out except with my friend and he decided to take me out. We went clubbing and my bumping and grinding got him turned on and yeah afterwards we were alone in his house and he came on to me. (Nope we weren’t attracted to each other).
    – Coercion. My bastard ex totally did that, we kissing and making out and then he wanted more and started pushing me down cos he’s physically stronger, he was pulling and tugging at my dress and then my underwear (OMG I was so scared but I put on a brave front n then I succumbed “a good pair of Body Magic is over a $100 abeg” lol).
    And yep that’s it well I have been in love (oh well I still love him) and yes we have “Done the Do” but that didn’t happen because I loved him. It happened because it was convenient, his relationship with his babe was complicated at the time (he wasn’t ready to ends things with her “greedy man” wanted me to be his side chick and I wasn’t gonna be a side chick to any man). I went to visit and then it started to rain and u can guess what happened. #Weatherfortwothings

  33. The Girl who flies planes

    I had sex for the reasons below:
    *Depression
    *Sadness
    *I felt God had failed me @ that time after being so chaste and all!

  34. A guy

    Just saw your post on Linda Ikeji on sept 2nd
    The issue here has been swept under the carpet cos ethnic reason.
    Mine happened last year @ the age of 21.
    Reasons
    Lust- Urge to have sex after imagining it, masturbation & porn
    Personally, i think porn sites are making huge sums, cos many people go there secretely , moreover, even a 10 year old now has a phone with internet access.
    Peer Pressure
    thats all

  35. Livia

    I havn’t had sex, and I do want to save it, till I get married. I made this decision long before I had beliefs. But the beliefs I have now, help me hold on to this. Not really because I want a man to view me different or chaste or whatever else. Not for anyone else on this earth. Just for me. Just me.

    I am happy that you wrote about this. It is beautiful, honest and refreshing to see women being able to feel safe enough to express themselves. Truly express how they feel about sex, and the “Whys” that surround the decision. No judgment. Just beautiful women, talking and just being. Especially with such a topic as “taboo” as this. Sex should be talked about, in my opinion anyway.
    People are walking around carrying heavy burdens that they feel they cannot share for fear of judgement. This should not be so. It should not.

    Yes I may not have had sex, and over the years I chose to be naive about it (probably because when I was younger, I felt my not talking about it would lessen my chances of engaging in it before I wanted to be), and I may not understand what is said sometimes regarding it, especially if things are spoken in slangs. But nonetheless, I like where there are discussions about it, especially women. I am asking questions now and I am learning alot. Just as I am learning from here.

    To the women and men who have suffered any sort of emotional or sexual abuse, and are still here, hanging in there.

    You are heroines and heroes. All of you.

    God’s blessings.

  36. sharingtots

    love this post a great deal. very true, personal & yet you make it soo easy for pple to share the most intimate things in public. Welldone @sugabelly. On my list ; pressure, affirmation, lust and love.

  37. nah

    As a therapist I find many clients on my couch who present with sex related issues were abused in their past, etc …

    I recommend you seek help if required rather the bring all that into your present…

    Dr ladybugs…..

  38. Moyosore

    So I’m here for the first time and I have to say I’m impressed. Okay… So I’m 22, had sex first when I was 17, but so far, I’ve had just ONE sexual partner. the reasons were/are:
    My desire to keep him happy and faithful
    Curiosity
    Lust
    My feeling of owing him sex
    Love
    That about sums it all up.

    • E

      Exactly. How else can you explain a man having the right to “enjoy sex” whenever,
      while a woman isn’t supposed to even think of it till after marriage?

      Why should a man’s orientation on sex differ from that of a woman’s?
      Does that make them higher beings than women?

      Know your worth woman.

      And speaking of it religiously, sin is sin. If you again going to be pious about sex, u better apply same to every facet of your life.

      • sugabelly

        As in, this logic of virginity is a woman’s pride is so tiring. The only reason virginity is a woman’s pride is because male virginity is literally impossible to verify.

        • Ralph

          That’s a five star comment right there. There is a double standard whenever virginity is concerned. My first time on your blog and am loving it. Keep it up@sugabelly. I am a 27 year old guy and never had sex…had opportunities but never took them. Hopefully someday and with the right person.

    • shani

      I love u for your comment. A lady Is not foolish or dull cos she decides to keep herself for marriage. It’s not the man’s pride it’s yours. The fact that some men are nasty about sex issues doesn’t mean we should be too. It’s not a competition. Unfortunately I didn’t succeed in saving myself for marriage I tried but curiosity got d best of me at 23yrs. I married a virgin, yes my husband saved himself for marriage cos he didn’t want to share his body with anyone but his wife. It’s his pride.

    • sugabelly

      Please girls are not commodities okay? We are not “worth” anything because we are not products to be bought and sold. Regarding yourself as a commodity that has market value is the reason why men treat women like products on a shelf. This kind of mentality is incredibly harmful to women.

    • Omolara

      I’m not sure about any ‘worth,’ statistically related to keeping yourself a Virgin till marriage, as opposed to non-virgins (in the eyes of their husbands, that is) however, I always encourage my friends who are virgins not to sacrifice their virginity for anything. No man I.e boyfriend is worth giving it to. sex before marriage isn’t worth it. it doesn’t add to either you or your future marriage. instead,all it does is Take! sex brings about a spiritual connection with the people you have it with – whether or not we chose to acknowledge. Also pre-marital sex potentially complicates people’s lives and even marriages. after all these and so much more I think it’s better to just wait. have as little as number of sexual partners as possible!.. That being said, my reasons, in no particular order of event, for having sex (that I regret all the time because those people and experiences just occupy a space in my brain/memory that I could’ve otherwise used for more useful stuff in my present life) are:
      – Pressure
      – Stupidity/Naivete
      – Control
      – I just felt it was what I was supposed to do. No self-worth.
      – Lust
      – surrender. no self-understanding
      – Coercion/Rape by a man I loved and didn’t want to have sex with.
      – Affirmation
      – That’s what boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to do, right? Or, no? OK
      – Love: and the person I’m married to. I really wish those other rexperiences never happened. they were and are absolutely not worth it!
      God has a reason for frowning at pre-marital sex. It does more harm than good. I stand by this even if I wasn”t married.

  39. Typical Dude

    Lust + Curiosity. (The lust tends to be mostly porn induced. MTV too does a good job of fuelling these passions of ours!).

    Peer Pressure. (Yes, it’s enormous. Basically, you’re not regarded as a “man” until you’ve had sex. Many dudes choose to ‘fake it till they make it’).

    Pity. (Some girls just sadden me. They go to ridiculous lengths to satisfy men in the hope that it will tether us to them. It pushes us away super hard. They have no idea. Doesn’t stop guys from taking advantage of it though).

    Fun. (Friends with benefits. Still on; still fun).

    Boredom.

    Depression.

    The need to feel wanted.

    LOVE. (Fuck! Love has fucked with the best of us).

    Availability. (When the ‘puna’ is available, just do it).

    Conquest! (Very important! The need to show a girl who’s boss. It’s a very chauvinistic thing. Not proud of it; but it is what it is).

    Truth is, I think deep down inside; men and women aren’t that much different. Society however, shapes us to become two very different personalities/entities.

    Unfortunately. For us both.

  40. Marilyn

    Tried to think of the reasons I’ve had sex and tears formed in my eyes.

    1) curiosity
    2) lust
    3) money
    4) coercion
    5) he really wanted to.. I didn’t.. He used the weakness of my flesh against me.. This is coercion right?
    6) Love/relationship
    7) boredom
    8) fear

  41. Random Dude

    Hi, Guy here. Its great that you posted this. Really helps people understand that they are not alone in what they go through.

    I think society judges women unfairly and makes them look bad while glorifying and lifting men up for the same things.

    The reasons why I had sex

    – Peer pressure: Lots of peer pressure back when I was in secondary school. Of course there was no one to talk to me about it because sex was a taboo to discuss at home.

    – Lust: Had sex for the first time when I was about 14 and it felt terrible. Not because of the act itself but because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Just felt like it was what everyone was doing, so I decided to do it as well. But in the end, I ended up feeling like I used the ladies I had sex with because I didn’t feel any real connection to them.

    – Depression: Was depressed because nobody paid attention to me and they equally never listened to me when I needed them. So I felt that sex would be a way to ease off the troubles of life. How wrong I was. Switched to masturbating because I felt it was easier to just do that but it ended up becoming an habit that altered my life in negative ways. Funny how you read that something is harmless and then everything goes awry years down the line.

  42. Sweet

    First time reader.
    I love your blog…alot.
    I was making out at first until recently, to feel somewhat sated. That worked until coercion set in recently. But we are good. No visible scars.
    And we are healing.

    I think my only penetrative encounter was as a result of a mix of some of the stuff on your list.
    Boredom-Yeah the Nigerian city I was in was not the most fun and this imbe was making me laugh at his…well…imbecility.

    Lust- His body was great.

    Curiousity…I wondered how much I would like it. I was horny after all. I didn’t

  43. Chubby

    First time reader. I absolutely love this post! OMG. Where have you been all my life?
    Here are my reasons:

    1. Depression (first time, too. Also disappointing)
    2. Pity + Lust (hot lips, my kryptonite)
    3. Opportunity (location, location, LOCATION!)
    4. Lust (come on, he’s beautiful!)
    5. Rebound (twice, for shame)
    6. Coercion (mental, though)
    7. Love (stupid, beautiful, crazy, amazing, love!!!!!!!)

    P.S.:
    I think I love you, too. Mwah!

    • sugabelly

      I like your reasons a lot. Mental coercion still counts as coercion though, so I’m sorry about that. I’ve never had sex on a rebound so I wonder what that’s like. I’m always super happy whenever anyone likes to read my stuff so welcome to my blog!!!! I’m super glad you came! Kisses back mwah!

  44. ade

    so many realities, I think re-orientation at this point would be.very difficult, we should speak more openly about these things with one another instead of forming gender caucuses with very limited views whereby we Wud say things like ” all men are the same”, “wetin woman sabi” …. because of how I taught myself about the opposite sex, I knw I am in trouble….but we can always get it right with the next generation

  45. NIL

    People who know me won’t believe that I totally love you right now! You are everything that I am not. You are free to be you and I must say, I envy you. Sex is quite a touchy topic for me, years and years and years of orientation from my mom..and society. I’m 20, a virgin and I’ve not had sex for the following reasons:
    1) fear..fear of messing up my life if I do. Fear of God. Fear of being seen as a wayward girl. Fear of not ending up with a good man cos I am wayward. Typing these, I actually realise how cagey I feel..but hey..i wont even change much even if I try.I know I’ll just revert back.
    2) funny enough I’m not even curious..heard too many tales of sex, feel like I know the thing already. I’ve made out welllllllll and considering how off I feel during all that heavy foreplay ( most times I don’t feel all the journey to moon and back shit, I literally can read a book and perfectly understand it while he is down there) so yeah..I feel the actual thing may be the same..or even worse with all that pain..don’t think I look forward to it. Besides I think sex is grossly and freaking overrated! . In all of these, I hope I marry a man I enjoy sex with, someone who knows how to do the do well..someone who knows how to work my body (I have a freaky side of me that lies unharnessed)With that, I could be his personal porn star and he mine
    3) Wanting to have one person in my sex history. Asides religious beliefs, this has kept me from having sex. I don’t want to have to compare, or try to match him up to a previous lover in my head, I think that will just leave me miserable. If he gives me wack sex, (trust me I’ll know when it’s wack)..he will have to up his skills from anywhere possible..books o, movies..and whatever teaches good sex. Or *in chris brown’s voice* we just fuck some more till we get it right. OK I’ll probably start yapping soon, so I’ll stop here. And BTW, came across you today from that 300k salary thing on twitter. Will follow you as soon as I exit your blog! Keep being you love, maybe..just maybe I might gather enough courage to come out my closet.

  46. G

    Curiousity

    I had first for the first time 2 months ago. It was with a collegeue at my internship. He was 20 years older than me & he was British & he was HOT.

    Sex never hurt for me. Maybe because he was older and experienced or maybe it was the fact that I was comfortable with him and wanted it. I loved that he was out of my regular scene, there were no bars. I didn’t know much about him & he didn’t know much about me. I was attracted to him, but I knew I didn’t want a relationship with him. We experimented in ways I feel every girl should. He taught me about my body, we did ‘forbidden things’ and it felt so good. We had sex everywhere on the 70th floor, in the shower, against the wall, in the elevator..

    I was hooked on sex & contrary to popular belief, you can have sex without muddling it up with feelings. I loved him in my own special way, but I don’t feel like I lost anything to him. It was just sex and we had a lot of fun while it lasted.

    New ‘Love’

    Last night I ‘caught my second body’, but it was different this time, I like him and that made it more special. It does make me feel vulnerable. I’m different from most girls in the way that I can easily detach but at this stage I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing, but I’m gradually letting go or my fear of being hurt and ‘diving in’ regardless of how things turn out. I’ll survive.

    Ps. I’ve only read one of your posts but you write well. I loved this. I will definitely be reading more. Keep it up. Bless you xx

    • sugabelly

      Yay for you for hooking up with your British colleague and ending it amicably without any messy attachments.

      I’ve had people I wish I could hook up with but I get so emotional so it’s often better for me to avoid getting entangled in the first place.

      Sex is a very vulnerable activity for me. Being able to detach is actually a good thing, so consider yourself lucky because it’s a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt because you’re not so emotionally invested in it.

      Thanks for reading and for sharing your experience. I’ll be back to blogging sometime soon. ^_^

  47. Nkemakonam Linda Guyse

    Now I have to write mine after reading all the listed comments.

    Mine maybe a little complicated but I am sure it’s no news to many. I was was sexually abused as a child by not just one but many between the ages of 6 to 17. Messed me up like it will do any so my sexual life and reasons to having one is complicated.

    So here are my list and reasons for having sex:

    1 Rape: I was 14 when 5 men raped me because I refused to date their friend cause of my high school boyfriend. Rape wasn’t news in my life at that point but this one sank deeply because they were strangers for once and not family or family friends.

    2 Rebellion: I wanted to do it because the adults were doing it. I couldn’t be asked not to have sex as the ones who were suppose to protect me opened this new quest. I knew I wasn’t suppose to do it but I just had to.

    3 Curiosity: I was exposed to being bisexual when I was young and always felt more comfortable in the arms of another woman. Oh, anal sex with bisexual men. I just had to be the one wearing the penis (Strapon) for once. BDSM is another I ventured into and yes I loved them all. Yes I am complicated, I know.

    5 Marriage: Just had to lay there and take it because I was his wife.

    6 Depression: I just wanted to feel something. Was so numb and wanted to connect and sex was how I knew how to. This was the stage I abused myself just because I didn’t understand.

    7 Money: I guess I can call this money. Even if he didn’t ask for it I felt I had to pay him back with my body for being so nice to me. Worst mistake ever because he just wanted to support me for being ambitious and trustworthy. Oh well, lessons learned.

    8 Love: Yes Yes Yes. The best of them all and it was mind blowing. Finally fell in love and made love for the very first time. He was my first in the love making business and it melted every pain and bad experience away.

    9 Lust: S/he is fine and I may never come across this opportunity again so I enjoy every moment of it.

    Whew!!! I guess I will end this here.

  48. Genie

    Lust
    I enjoy getting them to really want it for months before getting to it. Probably the closest to love I’ve experienced. I call it, ‘Affairs to remember’. The journey is as much a joy as the destination, and probably heightens the passion.

    Availability
    My ex girlfriend — My one girlfriend. We were comfortable, friends, but definitely not in love although it came up each time we had sex. And naturally, once one person feels the urge, in post-coital bliss to say ‘I love you’, the other repeats it. The sex was fun, silly. We tried everything, and really felt comfortable with one another, but the mad passion was entirely lacking.

    Horniness
    Sadly my most common reason. Have a dry enough period, and it’s easy to strike off a few standards in your otherwise lofty checklist of what you’d want in a sex partner.

    I really wish love came in some day. It’s worth longing for,

  49. zee sama

    1st timer (my friend posted the link and I curiously opened(happy I did, must have been Spirit led *wink*)).
    Beautifully written words; blog, comments (most anyways….a few were judgy sorta, to me sha) and responses to comments. I’m loving the openess and non judgy vibe here.
    It is sad that abuse, coercion and rape features a lot in sexual experiences for most, but hang in there….u really are a heroine/hero, always tell urself that.
    My list is in progress… Its not always easy admitting stuff to ones self but I will, as I owe myself that truth (thanks to u*sigh*).
    In all, wonderfully real blogger and wonderful real visitors/commentators (abi how I s’pose write am). U have made a fan out of me, please never stop being u and encouraging us to be us (less pretense, self deciet and falsehood).

  50. wilva

    FYI, you’re a friend in my head. Too bad I don’t live in Abj.

    My reasons;

    Love/coercion.. for my first time.
    Rape by an uncle.
    Money; loads of it.
    Adventure.
    Bicuriosity.
    A hot available chic.
    Friends ‘innocently’ rubbing against me @ night in the middle of the night (i’d mostly respond and hope we can be straight-faced about it in the morning or at least laugh about it). This only backfired once 🙁

    To fast-track a job I need done. It becomes hard to sell something when the person who’s supposed to be listening to you is staring at you in a kinda way.

    Love.
    Boredom.
    Depression; to fill the void in the moment.
      To get someone off my back. In my head, when a guy has pressured me for too long and simultaneously been super nice, generous and sweet about it, I eventually get to the point of irritation and do the deed and then cut the person off. Like, here’s what you wanted abi now Fuck off. Don’t even ask me to explain this one further.
    Curiosity. 
    Feeling horny (usually while ovulating or high).
    Loneliness; when i’m in a new city and still settling in. It gives me something to do.
     Whew! I’m feeling like a nympho writing all that but I can be frigid when it comes to sex and generally prefer the ladies over dudes except when I like the guy. With a lady, she just has to be hot and/or intelligent/artsy/self-aware..

    Oh! One other time it was to convince my over-religious homophobic friend that sexuality is fluid. Especially hers. Strangely enough, after I gave into her midnight antics, it didn’t stop her from being very vocal about her hate for gays. I’m like hellooo, I got you all wet and squeamy last night.

    HahAa..i’m out. Keep writing!

     

  51. kim

    I have had sex and it is something i am always ashamed off.
    Naivety: I was going out with this cunny guy, i never had sex, was not experienced but he always wanted us to make out. Making out felt good and all, and before i new it he crossed the line and i was not even aware he had, didn’t bleed and all that. I was around 19 years. I was disappointed and all when i eventually found out. Hate him for it. Broke it off when i found out.
    Pressure: Going out with this guy and he pressured me to have sex with him. Begged, cried and all. Me being in love eventually gave in.
    Those are the two times i have had sex. I never enjoyed it. Still feel ashamed of those times. Feeling i should have been smarter. Feeling i had not gained anything from having sex except to boost their ego.
    Still look forward to having sex as a married woman and hope i will enjoy it .

  52. GEEGEE

    i have had sex with two men.
    – pressure/ to stop him from cheating on me. Lol he was my first. He did it once and went back to her. They are married now.
    -friends with benefit. we ended up being in a relationship.
    currently im with a strict guy that doesnt want to go the full way but we do every other thing. i miss sex 🙁

  53. tunmi

    Something about you, the way you write, and your blog makes me want to be honest.

    I was sexually abused as a kid. I remember 3 people, 2 men and 1 woman. Of course the cycle followed and I ended up projecting that onto others, all before age 13 thank goodness. I remember bits but most of them are occasional blurs.

    There were several projections and experiences with cousins and neighbors, both males and females, and all my agemates. I think I can attribute this to experimenting.

    I had moved from Naija to the US when I was 12 so I took it as a rebirth. This was a new experience, don’t muck it up. So I waited till senior year of high school to start fooling around. No sex just fellatio, cunnilingus (google spell check apparently doesn’t know certain words *rme). So that was out of curiosity.

    My first true sexual experience was a month before my 21st birthday. I just wanted to get it over with, so curiosity. It went according to plan actually and it was unplanned. He was a fried of a friend and Asian, Chinese I think. It was a post birthday/end-of-first-college-semester/christmas-new-Year party all rolled into one in a hotel room. There was alcohol. We weren’t drunk and we both consented. I just wanted sex with my first to be a one-time thing. Something along the line of “that’s your designated task, thanks”

    The second guy was lust. There was some love there, we did care about each other enough to date for 2 years, but it was soooo much lust. And I loved it. We were sexually compatible and we allowed each other to be vulnerable, in more ways than one. We were both teachers and students and it was perfection. Still is… We started out fucking, then tried out the relationship thing which didn’t work because I just wasn’t attracted to his mind (which is a big deal to me: INTJ & sapiosexual), and are still fucking. I absolutely loved those 2 years with him though. I learned about him, birth controls, my body, sex, and most importantly myself.

    The third guy is a mix of curiosity, lust and love. I liked his mind first whereas with the second guy I liked his body first. In all the guys I have liked, crushed and snagged there has been a type. Slender and taller than me. He’s neither, and I absolutely enjoy my time with him. Slightly graphic language: He fucks my mind and fucks me well.

    I realize I have been lucky in my partners. No selfishness on anyone’s part and they are gifts that keep on giving.

  54. Vistor

    I’ve always wanted to say this out but I’ve found no true friend to share it wit. Though, this is an old post but, I just got to no abt dis blog 2day. I’m a yoruba Nigerian lady. U’re doin a gud job here sugabelly, kip it up. I must preach abt dis blog to all and sundry. Ma own reason 4 avin sex are; 1) this is the first and gr8test. LOW-SELF XTEME. I started datin @ age 2. Though we’re still 2geda nw and he wants to spends the rest of his life wit me, but I’ve never bin a gud person to him. I gave him ma virginity at dat tender age due to low-self xteme. He’s a very handsome guy but I’m just pretty. I felt I don’t deserve him. As I grew up, curiosty added to low-self xteme. 2) CURIOSTY. I wanted to xplore ma sexuality cos I neva felt secured wit him. He was cheatin so, I cheated too which I regret till 2day. Though, ave told him abt it all sm few yrs back and he has also said his own but, I still regreted ma actions. After curiosty came the love of moni. 4) MONI. He always gave me little money sayin if he had more he wud ave givin me. I will use this to brag to my frnds who will make fun of me that wit all ma asset (cos I’m physically endowed by God.) I only receive peanuts wen there are men out there who can pay more 4 all this assets. That gave birth to peer presure. 4) PEER PRESURE. I listened to ma frnds but I didn’t want to be seen as a prostitute so, I started dating older guys among them were two married men though @ the beginin they said they were bachelors. Immediately I new dey were married, I ended the relationship cos I don’t want anybody to curse me. Though, it’s nt as if I was earnin millions 4rm them anyway so I regreted it also. The last one sud ave bin rape but thanx to ma Judo skills. God bless ma Sabon whereva he is. He taught me well. Though, ma relationship is doin fine and we’re even plannin towards marriage but, I still regret ma actions. If I could turn back the hands of tym, I’ll do excellently well. Pls, girls who still ave opportunity sud learn 4rm this. I’m only wit ma man 2day cos It’s the will of God. We broke up cos of ma mistakes and his but thank God. Today all his well but I’m in a well. The wound is gone but the scares remains 4eva. Once again, thank u sugabelly 4 allowin me share dis. I’ve always wanted to share it.

      • Guest

        Desperation cos I wanted to marry by fire by force that year. I didn’t even like him, fact is he irritated me but on paper he was what I wanted so…..
        When my eyes cleared small, I broke up, he stalked me for 6 months till I had to relocate. Long story short, 2yrs later, not married and so thankful I survived the relationship /experience. I look back and wonder what cheap stuff I was sniffing to have done that.

  55. Dums

    Hi Sugabelly, i av practically stalked u on twitter for a yle, i think u r a unique kind of “special”, and I want u to knw dt following up on u for a yle now has given me a diff perspective. I will be 21 in a few days and hopefully still a virgin after 7 relationships, i haven’t obviously had sex before, so I’ll talk about y i haven’t… (sorry for adjusting the topic)
    1. Pressure: The eagerness that the guys i have dated showed to get into my panties totally put me off, i av dated guys dt wanted sex after two weeks and threatened that it wld b over if i didnt give in.
    2. Love: I have always believed that sex is a deep commitment which i should explore with someone i love, not just to make him ‘stay’.
    3. Fear: I have always been scared of d aftermath, d ‘morning after’, d way he would look at me after then or what he would say.
    4. Lack of Interest: Of all my reasons, this is d greatest, although i was exposed to porn and d likes at an early age, most times i find dt i lack interest in sex… maybe it’s d aftermath of porn, it just feels demeaning to me.
    Thanx for giving me a voice amongst deeply sincere people….Now dt i av located ur blog, i hope to find solace in pure, unbranded truth…..

    • sugabelly

      Hi Dumebi, thanks for sharing your reasons with me. I’m always thrilled to hear anyone likes my blog or my writing, and I think your reasons are deeply personal like all of ours, and I’m glad that this is a safe space for you to share. Hugs ^_^

  56. This Woman's Work

    Hi, I’m late on this train but then ive always been a late bloomer so no surprises there.
    It is such a relief to be able to say it out loud. I love sex. Alot. And I’m a woman. I didn’t know i would love sex this much as i held out till i turned 22. At first it was because of society imposed beliefs. Then gradually i just wasn’t attracted to any guy enough.
    At 21,i met a guy who i felt so attracted to and would’ve gladly given it up but he said “virgins” were too much trouble and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I appreciated his honesty and we did everything BUT penetration.He was amazingggg with his tongue goodness. Met another guy who bragged about his sexual prowess so much it turned me off. He eventually tried to force me and called me a prude when i said no that it affected me for a long time.
    SugaB at this point I’ve turned you into my shrink so i will keep going.I’ve never had anyone to talk to about this so openly.
    Now these are my reasons why i had sex eventually:
    Lust
    Love
    I met the guy i eventually married because up until then i had never felt such a powerful pull of lust&passion all in one with a guy before. His kisses turned me on so much that we almost went all the way the first time we went on a date. I thought ok maybe im not such a prude afterall. He would just stare at my breasts and i would be flooding down there. He said i was the most responsive girl ever. If he was just stroking my ego,it worked. We ended up having MIND BLOWING sex three months into the relationship. I think even the delayed gratification made us explode.
    Love: Of course i fell in love with him. And he is the only man ive ever slept with. *However…. my friend recently asked me how do you know its mind blowing sex if you havent done it with anyone else . You’re supposed to know arent you? It’s been 5years and i will admit its not earth shattering all the time but we still have a go at it with crazy crazy lust and the love makes it special everytime. Especially if we have to lock ourselves in the kitchen at 2am just to have it uninterrupted. Even after two children.
    Thanks for this outlet i needed it. Keep being you Suga. I really really admire your honesty.

  57. JDRambler

    Interesting reasons – ones I suspect a lot of us can relate to.. For me curiosity, love and depression (not sure if it worked or if the sense of cognitive dissonance is what made me feel worse afterwards)…

  58. fan

    no pressure. 4 sexual partners at the age of 35 and all of my own choosing and at my own time.

    1st time – At 20, I just wanted sex. We only did it a couple of times before I left Nigeria. All I remember was he was not very clean and did not make the experience memorable, for someone that was suppose to be experienced himself

    2nd time – 2 year relationship. I never loved him. Nothing memorable or earth shattering. I learnt nothing. A lot of sex. he had a big and long penis but did nothing for me

    3rd time – I was in love. Average penis length and size. He had an incredible staying power though. Our bodies were in tune all the time. we also responded to everyone. Lets just say, we fucked our brains out. We really pushed the boundaries. I learnt everything about myself, my body etc. He was the love of my life and the sexual connection was something else. We were soul mates until he cheated on me. The thought of him having that connection with someone else was too much for me to handle. I met someone else and I literally dumped him with no notice

    4th and last time- I met my husband. I loved him ‘cos he ticked most of the boxes. I was ready to also get married. first sex with him was a disappointment. I almost ran away. 11yrs together now, sex is getting better, intimacy is getting better but we are not there yet. I still fantasise about No 3 during sex with No 4 just to reach orgasm. I know it is bad, but there is no other way for now. Started using sex toys last year on myself. No 4 is not interested in that. I am hopeful, one day he will realise that we need some help. I don’t have any regrets. No 3 is still single and unmarried. He would take me back in a heartbeat. He is still searching for another me. I doubt if he would ever find someone else like. I hope he does. He is a great guy that made a big mistake.

    • A Father of Girls

      I think you made a bigger mistake and sure we all do. You blew the chance of marrying the love of your life on account of infedility and opted instead to spend the rest of your long life with a second best if not worse. All you needed was to forgive him and today you will be looking foreward to him coming back home to meet you. Most of us treat relationships like agege bread – you buy it and if e no sweet you bin it. We should consider reationships as assets the same way we do not scrap a car because it had a flat tyre, we fix it and move on. What’s the guarantee that the guy you abandoned the love of your life for has not cheated, is not cheating or will not cheat on you?would it not have been better to have a cheat who is your love than to have a cheat who is only just a husband? People have gone back to old flames but I will not advise you to take that route. The young need to learn mutual forgiveness….and even the married.

  59. demash

    Amazing, I feel like I missed out on life. I have only one reason – and that is marriage. This is on account of faith and also focus in my late teenage years.

    My sexual inadequacies of late make me feel like I should have had prior experience and make me feel sorry for my wife. I almost took an opportunity presented by a sexually available partner who felt my niceness towards her deserved a romantic payback. A twist of fate ensured this didn’t eventually go down.

  60. Hypergram

    Puppy love
    Drink
    Lust (most times)
    Drugs

    What’s interesting is that when i think back I’m not sure I’ve ever waited till after I’ve fallen in love to have sex with someone for the first time. I’ve had sex while in love but I’ve always kind of *tested* the waters first.

    And sex has never been as melodic and earth shattering as the movies depict

  61. Rebecca

    My very first sex experience was with my first ‘serious’ boyfriend. Ever since then, it’s like the gates just opened.
    Well,
    Lust
    FWB
    Just because I love getting head
    ‘Take and leave me alone’
    Lust
    More lust
    I think that just about sums it up.
    Plus you have an amazing blog here.
    Good job

  62. O.E.

    1. Curiosity
    2. Trying to get over an ex
    3. Alcohol
    4. Coercion, which led me to be scarred and celibate for the next 3 years or so
    5. Lust
    6. Sense of Duty – long term relationship leading to marriage yadi yada

  63. a.a

    Wow and wow!This has to be the most intresting writeup iv read in a long time…i may not know how to sum up the reasons in 1 word but here goes
    1.i don’t know what to call this one but the first time I had sex I just lost my sister and my dad and me and my mum were not on good terms,i was angry at the world…I stopped picking the guys call after d sex and till today he doesn’t understand.. I grew up hearing all guys wanted was sex and after giving him my virginity I couldn’t understand why he was still calling me..anyways Truthfully I did it to hurt my mum but only ended up hurting myself. Sometimes I wish I had a story to tell about my 1st time when i hear other girls talking but shit happens

    2.naievity: I dated much older guys from a very young age I have never really been attracted to guys of the same age range till now..and now im older I realised I was pretty stupid then.

    3.money :I tried it once or twice cuz most of my friends were doing it, but my ego wouldn’t allow me continue and truly it just isnt worth it.

    4. Curiosity : had a few lesbian flings here and there out of curiosity and discovered my love for receiving head rather than giving so i figured I prefer guys.

    5.lust:I doubt this needs explaining…iv always been one who isn’t shy to make the 1st move. If I want u i most probably would get u

    6.i don’t know how to sum this 1 up. . But at a time in my life I was having differrnt types of sex just to say I had done it. Threesomes, orgys I even had boys I would give money to for the trips and control but that phase quickly faded..not something I’m particularly proud of.maybe it was boredom and excess money. And for most of you wondering Threesomes are so overrated!

    7.coercion: im also part of the group that’s kinda confused. I had a guy who liked me but we didn’t have sex for months until 1 day I was so high and it happened with me not really wanting it trying to push him off. I didn’t find it funny at all.. but I don’t know if im weird but we’ve now been dating for 3 years and I always tell him the 1st time we had sex u raped me….then there’s the other instances

    Revenge:I guess this may make me a bad person but if I wanted to get back at someone who hurt me I’d take something u love… and at a time i was doing it unconsciously until I noticed a pattern and had to consciously stop..its so odd but these guys always ended up falling on love with me and these were actually my most unique experiences…now that I’m reading this I figure it must have started with my mum thing…I never reasoned that angle till now.

    5.love:the greatest of all… words cant explain how it feels to sleep with someone you love. And now this is all I want.

  64. Mark

    Curiosity: My very first time as i was told a whole lot about it and had high expectations.
    Intrigue: Almost every guy gets intrigued my threesomes and i was no exception to the rule.
    Love: For sure this plays a huge role, and as i got older, i realized the need to ensure it was a prerequisite to the “main event”.

  65. Tonye

    1. Porn and novels had my mind totally hooked on busting a nut.
    2. Pressure from my best friend who was already hitting his girl every week.
    3. Loneliness

  66. zizou

    Sugabelly honestly I’m from the north…I’m your follower on twitter.this is the 1st time I enter your blog.you are not the person you are portrayed as in the arewa twitter.well I’m sorry I said pretty bad things about you.

  67. Tastee

    1. Love: first boyfriend. All shades of hotness n sweetness
    2. Lust: because i felt like eventually turned to love
    3. Validation : got out of a damaging relationship n just needed to feel desired.
    4. Pressure : been goin out for awhile but not so physically attracted to him. Just had it to keep him happy.
    5. tried having sex for money, couldn’t get the hang of it. Not sure if it is supposed to be pay before service or after . Lol . Sex was so good, i forgot about the money part. Case of dont judge a book by its cover.
    6. Boredom

  68. Rustico

    Lets just say I cant resist an intelligent woman. Some sapio ish there right? My mind works in mysterious ways; Sex for me is an art…an experience. You want to get your body, mind and intellect warped with the other’s.

    Then of course there’s lust…that kain ‘point and kill’. You’re hungry, you see something palatable and you wanna chop.

    I work hard, and play hard. Sex can be a great relief from stress.

    Has nothing to do with adding another feather to mi hat.

    In all these, the other party must be fully into it; never a one-way traffic.

    • La Belle

      I totally agree with your “stress relief” point, that’s #2 on my list. The point and kill, really hilarious. #1 spot is most def “curiosity”. And when you’re done you’re like “hmmmmm” and cap it up with a laugh.

  69. Fiona

    I had sex because i wanted to know what a thick dick would feel like. i liked it and we did it all the time now i’m married and my husband’s penis is thinner than his. seems my vj never shrunk back. is it bad that i think of him?

  70. Ed

    Also, sometimes I have sex because I need a distraction.
    Or I’ve missed a workout
    Or he just won’t stop bugging! (Boyfriend sleepovers. After a few rounds too!)
    Boredom
    Need to make lists
    To fantasize I’m fucking someone else
    To fall asleep

    I have more reasons but I’m sleepy.

    I hope you’re ok suga.

  71. Ed (life's broken toy)

    twitter dm. You don’t have to reply. But please read. And that wasn’t my first comment suga. It’ was long winded. With reasons like rape, coercion, molested as a child, etc. was definitely a 1000 word essay.

  72. Uche

    Okay am a 1st timer….I accidentally came across ur blog. Mehn gal u’ ve got mad skills that been said back to the topic of a year ago but I do have to comment…probably the only blog I av the gumption 2 subscribing to and actually leave a comment down instead of in ma head.
    Y did I av sex wiv the men I did huh
    Lust
    Fear
    Love
    A hand covering my two breathing orifices and a cord choking me to death….damn I had to give in and mind u this was some1 I knw….sum1 I considered my friend…some1 I tot wldnt dare do such…..bur den ignorance snuck up to me letting mii know how evil its to say I didnt know. Lesson learnt. NEVER wld I trust pple and their words.
    Am more wiser now and go with my intuition more. …its never led me astray since then.
    Ur blog is inspirational giving me reason to do more even wen the road b luking bleak and no silver lining in site.
    The first blog thats resonates with me.
    Never stop writing sugarbelly and never stop been u ever.
    Fanned.

  73. Anon

    I’ve had sex only once, I did it because well I just felt it was time to get rid of the hymen. But it was disastrous, blood everywhere, immense pain, not even sure if the hymen is gone. Trying it again is just scary.

  74. oby

    Such a breath of fresh air. Simple, unpretentious, authentic. I love you girl!

    Here’s my list:
    Curiosity
    Naivety that led to rape. I was young, trusting and ignorant
    Just because…
    Mercy Fuck
    Lust
    Companionship

    I have deliberately left ‘love’ out, only because I am not sure exactly what it means.

  75. Sama

    Bumped into this coz of the rape gist. No comments on that here though, but this topic is basically very different for guys.. Ps Male Here so i had to laugh a bit at typing this out. its all fun in my head…
    Anyways..
    Hormones.. Primary reason i think
    Curiousity..
    Love
    Shes hot
    Konji
    Konji again
    Lust
    Porn
    Love again
    She started it
    Got seduced once/ ps this falls under lust hormones & konji
    Basically i think that sums it up

  76. #IStandWithSugaBelly

    – sexual abuse at the age of 5
    – First act above led to a series of abusive sexual acts committed against me. I don’t know but I think that abusers can tell which child has been marked before.
    – First real time I said yes wasn’t for love. I didn’t even like the guy but I think for once I wanted to be the one deciding what would happen to my body and with whom
    – Every time after that has been a combination of low self esteem, lust, loneness, and greed.
    – I have only ever loved 2 men. Both Intensely.

  77. Raphael

    Wow, i read this post with so much running through my mind. I wish all the ladies i’ve had can open up to me right now and tell me why they allowed me.
    I hate rape, i’ve never raped. But i think i’m an opportunist, what my friends would refer to as ‘sharp shooter’. Give me a chance, i’ll take two.
    I feel so guilty right now… but if there was a lady by my side right now, i’ll still have her.
    I feel this would haunt me soon, it seems to have caught up with me already, i fear and run away from anything called ‘relationship’, all i want is to have sex, and i don’t seem to get enough. I can barely hold a conversation with a female for 30mins without driving towards sex.
    I started this whole thing out of curiosity, ‘Enny’ was her name and yeah, it was paid sex. Now see where i am…

  78. kay

    Nice write up, it is very rare to see young africans open about their sexuality… often when we talk about it we are judge, I am a young girl and I love sex,i dont see it as a taboo I love getting head and give mind blowing blowjob lollll dont mind me lets get started so here are my reasons:
    1) Peer pressure/Wanting to keep him
    2)Lust
    3)Love:it was my uni years away from my country we lived together, i would literally ride and die for him… he was actually the real deal with the perfect dick he taught me all about sex tho he wasn’t the first but he made it magic, he had that touch power over me we had sex everyday and for long hours in the day and night… the more we had sex the more i loved him i was a teenager he manipulated my emotions, but he was constantly cheating and i always caught him, but he ll say sorry i suffered and stayed which led to the fourth reason
    4)Frustration stated sleeping with other guys asking me out cuz the person i loved was constantly cheating
    5)Pity I dont know if it ever happened to anyone, but i have that guy we tried dating it never worked,he is in a relationship but calls you everyday he cant get you out of his mind, ur sex sweet ur pussy is sweet i want u and keep begging…. PS:mot bragging but my sex is bomb and pussy so tight and when I ride you menh you woudnt wanna let go
    6)Boredom

  79. IBK

    Curiosity
    Trying to ‘measure up’ and tell the gist
    In pity of an heart broken fellow
    Aftermath of Porn
    Flowing with the trend on campus

  80. Raphael

    I was able to go back in time and i found even more reasons…
    Fun
    Revenge
    Competition (i and my friends would record every girl we hit as 3 points, it was our own kind of EPL)
    Lust
    Love
    Boredom
    Aftermath of highness
    Seduction (because she had access to my room she’ll lie nude and wait for to come back from work, she even pranked me atimes so that i closed from work earlier)
    For the sake of having sex

  81. DrMsMe

    I had never had sex before and my boyfriend was cheating. i was sadddd. i met someone and he was nice to me, giving something nice and special back was okay. I didn`t realize exactly when I lost it. little by little, it began, it went all in one day and there was no pain… i checked his clothes and mine hoping to see some stain, nothing. so i must have lost my hymen that year when the help stuck her fingers in and I felt pain.
    since then its been a breeze through men for different reasons….

  82. Kola69

    Curiosity,
    Peer pressure,
    Loads of lust,
    Revenge,
    so much LUST,
    Explorations,
    Love,
    Deception (and I loved it)
    LUST, yet again,
    Determinations,
    availability,
    loads of loads of LUST,
    Satisfactions. But sincerely, lust takes d lion share

  83. Isi

    Hi Sugabelly,

    You seem to be trending now but i just want to be your friend.

    Whatever phase of life you are in, it will pass and yes! Jesus loves you.

  84. Thelma

    Newbie, love the post. Sadly, in all my relationships, i have had sex because the guys wanted too. I can admit that i really didn’t care much about if it happened or not.
    I was saved by my period at 17 when robbers came to my house but one of them still pulled my clothes and used a stick on me. I can say i got lucky but i still feel violated.
    I have also had sex to get over someone, it does not work i tell you.

  85. A Father of Girls

    As a father of beautiful girls I read your story with Mustapha and gang with a lot of pain in my heart. Now I have read here some of your references to that relationship – the escapades in the red mercedes, you even said you made him park it at street corners so both of you can get on with it. You have narrated your cooperation in the act by ensuring you did not switch off the a/c or radio. There was nothing in this blog of 2014 that suggested what happened between you and Mustapha was against your will. You then went further to say you will be happy to sleep with men for money and for me this is what turned me around.

    As a father of girls I am giving them the best of education so they can be independent. Sleep with men they must but I will be shamed if they do it for money. It the very reason men treat women as commodities if they think money can get them women.

    Having now done a rethink, I believe you owe the Audus an apology. Look at the way you spoke so evil of their late Dad even saying you will dance on his grave or something like that. From what I decipher from this blog I conclude that you set out in the relationship with Mustapha in the hope of making money and that did not go as planned hence the project to destroy their family name. I have also looked at the email and Facebook messages you exchanged and there you are begging the guy to forgive you because you flirted with his friends whereas in your post you mentioned the guy was pimping you to his friends and relations.

    There seems to be a lot of bitterness in you which I completely understood after reading your post on what Mustapha did to you – who will not be bitter if they experienced what you described – but now I see that bitterness borne from your inability to accept that you had your chance but binned it and now you cannot get over it.

    As a father my advice to you is release yourself from the bondage you seem to have locked up yourself in, go out and enjoy life. You are beautiful, intelligent and resourceful so why allow yourself to be held down by Mustapha who seems to be moving on with his life now married since 2009 to a wife who is standing by him. You and Mustapha were not meant to be but if it was meant to be it will be though you carrying on like this makes the chance even more remote. God bless you.

    • Chibby-k

      Honestly Sir, I know you are surely wrong.
      I have followed the story of sugabelly’s rape from start and up to date…
      Was she saying the truth? Yes but partially.
      She’s not fully honest about the whole story, she lied she kept on going back after the first rape and subsequent rapes because he threatened to expose the rape video which is not entirely true.
      She kept going back because she was obsessed and foolish (sorry).
      Reason I said so is because she kept on sharing nudes with him after the rapes despite claiming he threatened to release the ones he had.
      Honestly, from the male’s perspective, I can relate to Sugabelly’s story cause I once had a girl obsessed with me.
      Back when I was in school, there was a girl that didn’t give me breathing space, she was always pestering me with calls, kept saying the “I love you” word to me even though I made it clear to her that I didn’t love her one bit.
      We do smooch, she fellates me… We were always naked when we did all those but she always refused sex after putting me so much in the mood, she would always say I must date her first before we could have sex…
      One day, while doing all those shits, I couldn’t take it anymore then I forced my way through, while raping her, she struggled a little and stopped when she realised I was far stronger than she and she was doing more harm to herself so she laid still and allowed me do whatever I was doing with tears dripping from her eyes, I saw the tears and I didn’t stop, I continued. When I was done, she kept on crying, this time she cried out loud. I began to beg her but she wouldn’t listen, she asked me to leave her house, I begged more and she still didn’t listen then I left.
      Fast forward four hours later, she was the one calling and begging me but I told her whatever we had between us is over…many days after that she kept on calling and begging but I kept on saying no till she stopped calling…
      Sugabelly, when I read your story about Audu’s rape, I shed tears realizing I raped that girl, I felt no remoarse then, but now I do… I had to call her and apologize after many years.
      Sugabelly,your blog is very nice, you are very intelligent which is rare among Nigerian girls.
      Please, forget about Mustapha and move on with your life, life is fun if choose to do what makes you happy.

      • Finemocha

        If your idea of intelligence is sleeping with a bunch of people and then writing a blog about, well dang. The groupie world is filled with a bunch of Einsteins.

        • Chibby-k

          I’m so sure you can’t write as good as she does.
          forget what she writes about, checkout her write up, they are well constructed. It got me intimidated.
          Sorry if you got offended but I’m so used to elite Nigerian girls and they spend most of their time on frivolities such as keeping up with the Kardashians, keeping tabs with celebrity gossips on Linda Ikeji, twitter.
          They rarely spend time acquiring knowledge

      • Daddy

        Sistuh girl your response has not left me with anything. Could you be more specific on the point(s) I have missed. In the alternative could you give me your perspective on the following Sugabelly quotes:

        “As for being splayed out in the Mercedez, that ended up happening a lot with him. We had sex in his car almost every night. Maybe it was me being a teenager and not having a place to go for privacy, so I made him park his car down dark streets all over Abuja and turn the AC up which steamed up the windows while we had sex in the reclined seats.”

        “I honestly would love to get money and gifts in exchange for sex. I really don’t understand why this is viewed as taboo.”

        “I know a lot of people consider having sex for money prostitution but I’ve always felt incredibly envious of girls who are able to have sex and receive huge sums of money and expensive gifts like cars and houses in exchange.”

        The above quotes are Sugabelly’s in her own words. At the time she wrote them Audu was still alive. After the man died and Sugabelly seeing no hope of befriending the son of a big man for jackpot payoffs converts all the escapades where she was a willing participant and initiator into rape. Sugabelly has a top of the range command of the english language and no way she could have written “we had sex” when infact she was raped. In a rape only one person has ‘sex’ not both. Hear Sugabelly that she did not have a place to go for privacy so had to make the guy park his car all over Abuja, that’s Sugabelly in command, plotting the script, so how could Sugabelly be a victim here?

        A lot of women are suffering dreadful sexual crimes daily and their plight must be highlighted and for the perpetrators to be punished but we must not cheapen rape by allowing it to be used as an instrument of revenge!

        Btw Daddy has refused to sleep until he hears from you 🙂

        • sistuh girl

          First of all. Perhaps now is the time to talk about consent. If u have had sex with a man a gazillion times, in whatever place and in whatever manner. And an instance comes up, where sex is being initiated or ongoing and a participant refuses as is his or her right to….the other person forcing it to happen is RAPE. Whether they have had sex or not in the past is immaterial. ‎

          Second of all….sex for money…..she is referring to the fact that people sEemed to think that at 17 she must have been mercenery to see a boy and follow him for money. I believe that she is referring to the fact that she has never been able to do that ever and is merely being whimsical. 

          Thirdly she never said all their encounters were rape. She said she was in a relationship with him initially

          Most importantly here. U seem to think that rape is about sex. Mr Daddy…..if u take nothing else from this…….know this…..sex is about power. It breaks a person. It shatters the very idea of body sanctity. It is ironically the ultimate mindfuck( pardon the language) 

          You have said Sugabelly is an intelligent girl, or implied so at least. Crying rape for revenge ke. Do u believe she thinks the Men will be automatically chastised?? Do u think she didn’t count the personal cost? ‎Befriending???? She’s been there, done that? It’s just turning into rape???? She has been screaming about it for years….it just took the death of the father for u to hear

          It is actually people that “understand” what “rape isnt” without a clue of what “rape is” that cheapen rape……..not people that cannot keep the distress in ok

          Now Daddy…….u may sleep eh‎

          • Daddy

            Sistuh girl are you privy to some info that is not public knowledge or have some crystal ball? because you have done a good job interpreting Sugabelly’s posts…. well I must add to support your conclusions. Your introduction of consent is interesting and I agree with you that even if a sex act is ongoing and a party says NO the other party must respect that. But there is a problem here. In the blog posted last year Sugabelly recounted the escapades around Abuja with this guy, no mention of rape. In the blog this year after the guy’s dad’s demise, Sugabelly’s account is all about rape, at no time did she make reference to consensual sex. If the 2 blogs are read separately the most likely conclusion will be that in the 2014 blog were two young birds exploring their sexuality around and about in Abuja while the 2015 blog was a young girl bastardised by a monster. Hard to believe the 2 blogs are about the same events. You have to read both blogs and then build in other variables (timing of 2015 blog etc) before you can build a better picture.

            In the meantime while you are at it (interpreting) have you read the email exchange? how do you interprete Sugabelly’s 2015 blog that the young man was pimping her around to friends and Sugabelly in 2008 emails begging the same guy for forgiveness for flirting with the guy’s friends. Sugabelly has not yet denounced these emails.

            As for sex for money Sugabelly has been clear in a number of her blogs that she is happy to exchange sex for money. In one blog she clarified that she will only do it with someone she finds attractive. The intent here is too clear that I will not be buying your ‘whimsical’ excuse.

            Daddy is refusing sleep o en ! -:)

          • sistuh girl

            ‎MR DaDDY……No crystal ball mbok. It seems like you have chronic insomnia. 
            Read the whole blog. From 2007 till date. Read, digest, ruminate. And try and remember being a teenager, looking for acceptance and love.

            Please she has said they were in a relationship at first where all was consensual. Don’t put weed in her pocket abeg‎

            Plus it’s not pimping when u don’t consent to it…it’s still rape. Flirting is not consent to have sex biko.
            Deny emails ke. They are true. She was a kid in love with toxic male. 

            The capacity of a Nigerian woman to try and forget and reason away has always struck me as a superpower. They take it till they are chuck full and explode
            If every Nigerian woman dealt decisively with the Nigerian male when they misbehave and offend…the only boys left would be children.

            I know the very idea of rape is uncomfortable for males even though it is the reality for most females. Men tend to grasp at whatever smidgen of information to discredit rape.
            In the end……if she said….i don’t want this and it was forced on her……irrespective of previous interactions……she has a right to say NO……..if she excercised that right……and it was ignored….then she was raped….. ShiKeNa

            As for the sex for money comment that u seem fixated on…..I believe she was being facetious. Whether u believe it’s an excuse or not…..its ur perogative na. Plus you really don’t have rights to an explanation. Neither does it mean she was never raped eh. But even if she was a prostitute eh…..and she said NO…..and he continued eh…..she was raped.‎

            Rape has nothing to do with who she was, her relationship status, where she was, previous encounters etc. It is about consent. If one says NO and the other forces the issue and disregards the lack of consent….then broda…..na Rape‎

  86. adaeze

    WOW!! Sugabelly I must confess this is really something. You don’t know how much you’ve done. Reading yours and that of others just makes me wonder ( more like you mean there are people like me?) and really feel like am totally not wierd as I used to think. I can relate with everyone hear!! So hear goes (ooohh dear this brings memories)
    – molested or rape ( don’t know cause I’ve got no memories of the action, only that of my mum taking me to the hospital to check if I have been touched. Well ans YES. By whom? Cousin . Age 5).
    – more molested.
    -pressure
    -pressure
    -More pressure
    -Money and lust( both cause he made me discover ma body)
    -More money
    -masturbation
    -Lust
    -friends with benefits
    -Duty
    -Love ( i believe and hope. Cause the truth is “I don’t know what that
    Is” but just know that we enjoy each other. Hope we get married)
    Thanks for this medium suga!!

  87. KMG

    Bumped into this over the Prince Audus son “rape”. Felt loads of pity. Still do. Especially on seeing the cute photo of Sugabelly. So young. As a father of young girls and boys it sounds so terrible that this could happen and there would be no one the kid could turn to. Of course it does seem you were played by Mustafa. He deceived you, playing on your emotions and hopes of getting to marry the son of a “big man”. That seems to be the reason for your unwarranted hatred for the father, you couldn’t forgive even in death.. It’s best you forget about them and focus on your future. You are obviously a brilliant young girl with the whole world ahead of you. You should use your talents as exposed here on the issue of sex to guide younger persons to try to maintain their precious virginity, and wait for the right man or woman. their is obviously no mileage in succumbing to peer pressure. From all the responses I read here to yours on the same topic depression or lust or even money aren’t worth it, nor is it worth it to have it for revenge. It is best to give it as a gift of love to the one who lives, even after your “exciting” past. Almost anyone you meet has a past. Yours is such that if you work in the. Godly fashion of providing guidance it would be all the more cherished and valued by whoever you finally berth with, if you aren’t already berthed yet. I so suspect you are actually working on this path of guidance by introducing what you did here. You seem to have quite a respectable moral standing. Do maintain it, please. Don’t get carried away by any contrary pressures. I am honored to have discovered you and will keep a watch on your well writ blog.

    • sugabelly

      I didn’t have any “hopes” of marrying “the son of a big man”.

      I went to the most exclusive and one of the most expensive elite boarding schools in Nigeria – Loyola Jesuit College.

      I attended school with the children of presidents, governors, millionaires, and billionaires.

      It takes a lot more than being the son of a “governor” or driving a Mercedes to impress me, and I was a brilliant young girl with admission into two private Jesuit universities in America, and half scholarships to both.

      I had my whole life ahead of me, and getting married to ANYBODY much less Mustapha was the LAST thing on my mind.

      So I would advise you to stop allowing the ridiculous mores of Nigerian society to limit your thinking on this matter. I’d like to remind you that you were not there, neither are you my close friend, nor do you even know me.

      It is I, not you who will say what I wanted at the time, and why I reacted the way I did.

    • sugabelly

      Please do not repost my blog post. Thank you. You may link to it but you do not have permission to reproduce any part of this blog post on your site or another site.

    • Mirium

      @Ity Williams, even though Sugabelly asked you to not repost her blog post, you still went ahead to do so. That is theft of intellectual property (you did it without her permission, that’s theft).
      Why are Nigerians so bold and so shameless? My God it’s like a nation of evil people. If you can’t participate in the conversation why steal the girl’s property? You have a blog that you’re don’t have the intelligence to upkeep, maybe you should stick to competition of Lindaism.
      and btw LOL that no one pays attention to your blog so you’re on here to advertise freely

  88. Eyi

    I just came across your website for the first time, and i am beyond impressed. I love the way you keep it real, and think outside the box. The issue of sex talk is a big problem in Nigeria, because most are scared to be labelled as sluts and others are just so afraid to share their experiences. I decided it was time to start having sex at age 19, and that was the most stupid decision i made (didn’t matter that i was done in my 3rd year at d uni). My decision to just abstain when i started feeling used has left me with a very low sex drive 6years down the line.. So, here r my reasons;

    stupidity
    lust
    coercion
    depression
    pity

    Some of d reasons actually applies to d same person/pple.

  89. Evelyn

    To say I’m a feminist is to say the kindest and least. I was abused when i was a kid by a neighbor, however i was surprised when i realized i was still a virgin when i was much older. I think as a result of that experience i wanted to guard my virginity preciously and stay a virgin till i got married. I remember vividly asking the Catholic priest of my parish to pray for me to be married a virgin as at 14. I dated a few white guys as a virgin and that further strengthened my resolve to remain a virgin and be thoroughly pampered in a relationship. When i was finally ready to date blacks i realized how tedious and downright scary it was to date a Nigerian guy. i read a post once, a girl wrote every Nigerian girl should add ‘dated a nigerian guy’ to her CV. Honestly she is right, its a huge challenge to date an average naija guy and have ur self esteem in tact. I’m not average looking, I’m pretty. I can sound a bit boisterous on here cos nobody knows me, but I’ve dated a naija guy who constantly harped on all my insecurities. I remember my elder sister rescuing me from bouts of depression. The good thing about me was I’ve always been and always will be evil. I dealt shege😈 with that guy b4 i left him. Series of blackmail and shook his account balance well for attempting to ruin my self esteem. Since then I’ve practiced self love to d extreme.
    REASONS I HAVE HAD SEX INCLUDE Nobody deserved my precious virginity. It was hardly precious btw. When i finally had my first sex it was with a strange white guy who I’m still friends with, stranger cos i could not risk any emotional attachment. I had sex cos he was sensual n patient and didn’t act like his life depended on it. lust lust lust. love. blackmail. blackmail. blackmail. blackmail. I’ve had sex as revenge too, either on whoever i was dating or the overall shameful concept of love and relationships in Nigeria. I’ve had sex to ascertain I’m attractive enough to get the hottest Leo on the block. money money money. other benefits. curiosity. never had sex outta pity or coercion, if i don’t want and u can’t rape me, ur ass is finished! Im ready to stay up all night arguing with u, i simply won’t agree. Ive had sex cos i thought it could help salvage or start a relationship. Im a writer too, have a lot to say but I’m the laziest goat i know. However id write heavy on Nigerian women who cling to relationships even in sheer misery and have the effrontery to boast about not being single, and those that feel cos they are ugly as fuck and downright unfortunate then those who look good or are fashion conscious deserve to be raped, or those who just judge cos they think they matter, or those who are powerful in the society yet incredibly useless to other women, or those pathetic ones who think they have suffered so why shouldn’t others. I KNOW HOW TO STIR PEOPLE UP TRUST ME. I will make many references to @Sugabelly cos i can relate to many of her experiences. I think the reason men maltreat women in Nigeria is not cos men are bad, its cos women are incredibly stupid. We judge each other, we envy each other, we drown and leave each other to drown. We simply don’t have this guy code and so we let each other suffer and we suffer too. IF women will stand up for each other, these things will reduce drastically. Or stand up 4 themselves at least. The worst thing about having nasty experiences in this country is that u dare not report to a woman, if u do, u will most likely have blown ur cover to one sick weak hating judgmental ‘saint’ who will blame ur makeup or dress or even the type of phone u use for ur mishap. Im shocked n angry at Sugabellys experience and i think we need more women to stand up to this like this. Let the men do the judging, please if u are a female rather than judge, just jump and pass the comment. GIRL CODE abeg!!!

    • Says it all

      There! That is exactly why I’ll never date a Naija girl. Pretentious bunch of evil damaged “sados”. My bother and close friends have had a fair share of Nigerian women, probably the most evil bunch of women in the continent of Africa.

      There is an inherent Nigerian culture of “getting one over” the other person, where they term the afflicted mugun (not sure of the spelling). Most Naija men I speak to about their experiences with Naija girls will tell you how guarded they are, because most Najia girls are f***ed up in the head, they will screw around with the girls but avoid, at all cost, to settle down with them.

      Where other African and western women are down with whatever, if it works it works, if it doesn’t, fine, they move on, they know how to make the opposite sex feels at ease. Your typical Naija girl is a cross between Mother Teresa and satan himself, having the similitude of a God fearing being, but evil and cunning as f**k.

      The Evelyn lady for me typifies a typical Nigerian woman, conceited, calculating and just plain f***ed up. Holding her virginity in order to just “have one over” whichever poor person she was going to give it to, as with most like her, it turned out to be damp squib anyway. Darn!!!

      • Amaka

        @saysitall, you obviously don’t know the Nigerian society at all, even the so called Nigerian friends you talked to are not being honest with you. The Nigerian society is responsible for the way you think nigerian women behave, those your so called friends included, if they will be honest with you, ask them what they expect from a woman they want to marry. From your comments, you seem not to be a Nigerian , so I’ll forgive you when you don’t understand the demand Society puts on Nigerian women to be chaste and marry as soon as possible. The struggle is real believe me and it blights many women’s lives, because as long as a woman is not married in Nigeria, she is almost a pariah! So my friend research your facts we’ll before you espouse on what you do not know about, I could say much more,but I’m sure if you ask the right questions, you will find out on your own.

        • Says it all

          @Amaka, I can’t honestly claim to know the Nigerian society because I am not a Nigerian, I can only go by my experiences in international cities such as New York, London and probably Paris. Those three cities are melting pots of cultures, a young unmarried professional that has access to any one of those cities will have encountered more than a handful of Nigerian women both professionally and socially. I have encountered loads in professional settings, I currently work with two close friends (men) of Nigerian origin, so I have a fair idea of what I’m talking about. A typical young Nigerian woman is as beautiful as any and probably have the best body shape of all, they be rocking booty before Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez knew it was cool to have shapely booty, most western women are going down surgery lane to get what Nigerian women are naturally blessed with. But from experience, the attraction comes with massive amount of psychological baggage. Apart from close friends my older brother also got stung by a Nigerian woman he was madly in love with, she was as MAD as a HAT, very beautiful and intelligent but her mood swing is frightening, probably bipolar. Mood swing is one thing but stealing and wiping his account clean is another…long story I kid you not my bother haven’t recovered, it happened four years ago! From rolling with Nigerians I found a culture of hard work and high achievement but unfortunately emotional baggage goes with it. Not sure why it is but it ain’t fun to be around. @Evelyn comments on this thread absolutely confirmed what I suspected, it’s full of vitriol, passive aggression, similitude of religion but “evil”,etc…it’s fucking scary.

  90. Evelyn

    @Says it all u must know me personally to bear this kinda grudge. If the fact that i think women should protect themselves from guys like u who think nigerian girls are a ‘pretentious bunch of evil DAMAGED sados’ and one should ‘screw around with them but avoid at all cost to settle down with’ then u deserve a femme fatal trip to the depths of hell. I wish i had time to judge u. If ur ass is so unforgiving cos in ur innocence u got dealt with by another ‘DAMAGED sado’ then let God forgive u, but if the fact that women defending themselves fiercely from vindictive predatory men is an issue to u, then ur bitterness will last longer than ur life span. Its a pity u dunno ur damaged too, damaged as hell. U really shud NEVER date a naija girl if u don’t want total wreckage. See who’s playing God. EWU!!! Fucking racist.

    • Says it all

      Touched a raw nerve @Evelyn, did I? Sorry for serving the proverbial bitter pill, not the easiest to swallow is it? Just showing your reply to one of those unfortunate enough to have crossed the paths of your type. He is absolutely laughing his head off. His words: “Nigerian women will typically be ultra religious and ask God, a personification of love to kill or punish you in an instance”. Need I say more. Psycho.

  91. Dee

    *Coercion; it was my very first time, I didn’t want it, but he did it anyways,who was I kidding ,I was in his lair, there was no getting out of it, and it was to happen at other times in my life, even a doctor friend, I had gotten do used to it that I just lay still, unfeeling
    *loneliness
    *money and Now? I’m just all about the money i can get from doing it

  92. Happybunny

    I am so happy to find your blog. For over 5 years, i have been searching for my identity, constantly trying to get in touch with my ‘inner self’. I grew up faster than my peers, going through experiences that are tantamount to yours. When I tried relating these experiences to my ‘friends’ rather than being understood, i was often disrespected, talked about, misjudged and criticized. I had no one to talk to. This made me wonder if anyone else had gone through similar traumatic experiences, because i felt so socially misplaced and awkward, like an alien. Being raped made me loose a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem as such, i decided to look for love in the wrongest places. I dated trying to fill the void caused by my first lover. I mostly had sex for acceptance, to feel love and be loved, because i had so much love in my heart. Redundant disappointments from men led to depression and suicidal thoughts, even therapy could not save me. We both know depression is a no no in the Nigerian community. I feel so happy knowing that i can relate with someone and not feel crazy. I wish i actually had the chance to talk to you while you were in Loyola, even though we were in the same hostel and on the same table lool. Nonetheless you just won yourself a new subscriber. Thank you for sharing your story. You are inadvertently healing wounds with your courage and honesty.

  93. Suomynona

    Well, I’ve never had sex before, but I know why I will eventually, and I’m still a teenage girl (cisgender).
    Lust. Only lust. Yeah, I make myself orgasm very often, and the furthest I’ve gone with anyone was head. Gave and received, both very short cos’ we were hiding. Boring too. Sometimes I feel like f*cking everyone in sight(consensually).
    Virginity is a huge burden for me. I want to lose it but it’ll hurt, and I want to lose it to someone who won’t make me regret it, and that is not possible, because I can’t have healthy relationships, so maybe I will sneak a dildo into my parents’ house somehow.
    So tired of these men being such fucking hypocrites. Fuck me but you’re a whore if you do. Woman in burqa still looks more beautiful than most half naked females but please show me your tits you fucking prude. No blood on my sheets on my wedding night, blood on my knife. Your body is a temple.
    Come inside.

  94. Miz Blinky

    Wow.. Can’t believe I hv been missing this.. Going thru all this comments Bursted me.. thou some were sad.. My Reasons are so simple:

    1. Love (or so I thought )
    2. Lust
    3. Adventure
    4. Coercion
    5. Pressure
    6. Depression
    7. To feel like a Dominican

    I fink dis adds it up mush

  95. Dude

    Progression
    Curiosity
    Boredom
    Love
    Obligation
    Coercion
    Depression
    Desire
    Breaking up

    Passed the limit, too many varied reasons to count.


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