NYSC Toilet Trials …. Part 2

I managed about a week before constipation had me convinced my heart was about to fail.

In my desperation to find a place to poo, I snuck out of camp in the dead of the night to a leafy but lonely bush across the road.

If only there was a Portaloo on the campsite I would not be in this awful situation. I might even have to suggest that the organizers of the camp must hire some portable toilets in the future.

Now another week later, I found myself in the same predicament.

Sneaking out again was too risky since I got caught by a soldier on my first try. I spent the whole of this week wracking my brains for a place to poop when I happened on the perfect place completely by accident.

I’ve been attending the HIV/AIDS and Reproductive Health awareness training on camp because it’s something I feel really strongly about, and an innocent question this afternoon about where to pee led me to the perfect clearing behind the National Christian Corpers Foundation prayer ground.

Not wanting to raise the suspicions of the person who had showed me the place, I thanked her, innocently peed, and left.

As soon as lectures were over, I raced to my dorm and grabbed my pooing bucket ( I have two, one for laundry/bathing that bears my name, and one expressly for pooping that also has my name but also the word ‘Unchi’ – Poo in Japanese to make it impossible to detect – for easy identification ) and I raced back to the clearing, hoping night wouldn’t fall by the time I was done.

To my dismay, when I got there, the prayer ground was already full of eager fellowshippers, thumping their Bibles and praying loudly.

I pretended to have forgotten something and wandered through the praying ground as though looking for something but really I was making my way to the other side so I could slip behind the curtained stage.

I momentarily wondered if I looked too suspicious clutching a bucket this far from any source of water but the weighty lump in my stomach made me press on.

Once I got to the clearing, I hesitated. There was so much grass and foilage everywhere. I had a very real fear that a snake might bite me as I squatted helpless to poo.

Setting up my bucket and nylon was fairly easy. I had perfected the method since the last time I did it, and this time I had the advantage of daylight unlike before when I had to do it under the cover of darkness.

I even brought extra nylon bags to spread on the floor and place my things so I didn’t have to clutch them in my hands.

Settling onto the bucket, I opened my copy of The Art of Seduction and hoped that my starvation policy of one tiny meal a day would translate into a smoother experience this time around.

I was wrong.

I pushed so hard catarrh came out of my nose.

I was heaving and huffing and puffing. I would have cursed but I was sure the corpers praying nearby would hear me and come investigate.

After a fucking eternity, this massive turd plopped into the bucket and I felt an incredible sense of relief.

Suddenly, the bucket collapsed beneath me, sending me flying backwards, arms flailing, legs in the air, the turd I’d just forced out launching out of the bag towards me.

The book I’d deceived myself I could read while pooing landed inside the anthill. My horror could not be more complete.

It took an entire roll of tissue to clean up and even then I still felt dirty. Night was falling and my original fear of being bitten on the ass by a snake was becoming more and more likely the longer I lingered there.

I hurriedly gathered up my things and straightened out the walls of my bucket best as I could and made my way out of there.

I tried to walk quickly past the fellowship members, using my hair to shield my face. Inside I wondered if they were judging me for desecrating their fellowship ground.

Fortunately, it seemed they were too busy binding and casting to notice me or care.

Two times I have tried to go in this camp but it’s obviously a feat beyond my mental strength. I’ve made up my mind already.

Somehow I MUST get my Exeat card signed and get out of here.

There won’t be a third time.

I’m coming home.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

There are 31 comments

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  1. Theodora Jacob

    LOL! I so enjoyed reading this post and the last one. I know for sure I won’t be able to cope in such conditions. I hope you get your card signed soon, ‘cus you sound like you’re going crazy there.

  2. abokishop

    LMAO!…”I pushed so hard catarrh came out of my nose”….wow!..I stumbled on ur blog purely for ur artworks…now ur writing skills have got me hooked too…anyways u need to leave that place, NYSC is overated and a waste of time in my opinion…be strong and pls post more adventures in the camp…lol…

  3. Anonymous

    this was SOOOO funny I couldn’t stop laughing reading this in my office. Please don’t leave camp! we need more funny stories! By the way, why are you doing NYSC?

  4. NikkiSho

    LMAO!!! your last post had me rolling on my bed “i didnt give a shit anymore (no pun intended)” LOOL!
    kai we are laughing here but what you are going through must not be fun at all. I hope you get that exeat card soon.

  5. Sykik

    lmao..pele..but pls permit me to rotflmao well well. Shit business is serious business.

    Abeg, let them sign your card so you can go do “Item 2” like a proper lady oh.

  6. Anonymous

    LOL…this post is so funny! You have my deep sympathies lol lol!

    I have a question though, if there are no toilet facilities, what do the women do when they are on their periods???

  7. Adura Ojo (Naijalines)

    Although we’re all laughing (what else can we do?) this is shameful. That the Nigerian government cannot provide sanitary facilities for the most basic and essential human functions is a shame. There are serious diseases that could develop and get passed on as a result of the failure to provide toilets for Corpers to use. Cholera, typhoid fever, to name a couple. Where the hell does the Nigerian government expect them to do it? The Nigerian government say NYSC is compulsory – Do Mr Goodluck and his cabinet of very comfortable ministers not understand that shitting is compulsory too? It’s humiliating to subject human beings to such conditions. A government full of goats! KMT.

  8. Anonymous

    …now u wont say CAMP was utterly useless then.
    U are back in a country that always teeters on the brink of violent breakdown and war; but somehow usually escapes scarred; but safe. Maybe ur training is comin up at the apt time. Maybe, that truly base (as opposed to merely “romantically rugged”) aspect of humanity that most Nigerian are enmeshed in is being rammed through your psyche, subtly. Truth is, girl, beyond the bright lights of Abuja; the exuberant sounds of Lagos, the oily wealth of PH and sparkly streets of Calabar, this country is really one massive lump of human turd. You know your orientation is complete when u start lending ur shit to the situation.
    Stay alive and see Camp through. But lose not sight of the little lessons…
    That way, you can actually see what u are fighting for anytime you take a good step for your country.
    I love you!

  9. Ema Leecious

    My boss had to ask me just now why I hadn’t gone home cuz I was laughing sooooo hard.
    Poor you…NYSC Camps and toilets are sworn enemies…they just can’t be together.
    You really shouldn’t keep “it” for so long. I doubt if its healthy.
    Where do you take your bath? Just take your 2 buckets there in the morning, do your “toileting” wrap up and take your bath…well, it sounds so easy. I know because that’s what my friends and I did on camp.
    I’m actually looking forward to more of this posts from you. (wink)

  10. Anonymous

    Man CAN YOU WRITE!!!
    I don’t usually read long articles, well I blame this on my very low attention span…but u kept me in the book from top to bottom, start to finish. I first thought, “what tha?” Too much info… Then I started laughing and laughed so hard that catarrh flew out of my nose…just like it did you….

    Nice write up….I would buy your book in a heart beat.

  11. lapenseuse

    This post had me rolling!!! Your sense of humour is awesome! hahahahaha… it sounds like something that would happen to me! I am currently doing my NYSC, batch B… and I totally feel your pain… I stayed in camp (in Jos) for three weeks without pooing, the camp was dirty in a terrifying way, like a horror movie…out of fear, my poop refused to see the light of day…I was scared shitless hahahahahaha… I’m on a roll 🙂
    By the last day of camp, my stomach was quite swollen, I could not walk or seat straight… I was running to the nearest cleanest toilet at my PPA after collecting my posting letter… the horror!!!!!

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