Sinking in Dark, Looking for a Way Out

I was going to do a post about some of this but I’ve been putting it off and putting it off.

I got fired on June 7, and I’ve been unemployed since then.

I supposed I just didn’t want to talk about it because I felt sad and ashamed and disappointed in myself, but it wasn’t a surprise at all because I’ve been severely depressed for a while and it was seriously impacting my work performance so hey.

The second reason I didn’t really talk about it was I was due to travel a few days after so I just tried to blank it out and went on holiday and I tried not to think about it and keep unhappiness at bay for as long as I could.

That being said, I’m in the place that I don’t want to be in. I’ve been trying to manage what little money I’ve got since but I think I’m down to my last few thousand.

And as if I didn’t have enough problems, my aunt just kicked me out. (Another thing that didn’t come as a surprise either considering she’s been muttering for months that my irresponsible mother dumped me on her to be a burden in her life and every time I breathe too deeply she makes me feel as if I’m reducing her ration of air.)

I can’t even cry at this point because I feel like if I do I’m going to fall apart so I have to stay calm.

I’ve got a few days to move out and nowhere to go.

In other words, I’m unemployed AND homeless.

Damn life…. you scary.



There are 42 comments

Add yours
  1. l

    stay strong sugabee, I don’t want to sound like a cliche quote book, but it gets better, try and focus as much as u can on solutions, rather than the problem, it’s ok to cry, just get back up after, you’ve come far on your own with little support, you are an intelligent talented young lady, you’ll be fine, ok, I don’t know you even though I’ve been reading your blog for a while now but I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  2. Morounfoluwa Lukina Akibo

    Its so easy for me to say “you’ld be fine” because def im not in your shoes and all, but its really okay to cry and let it out, you wld feel better and clear your head as to what to do next. Just stay strong, pray and believe. i know at this phase it would be hard to pray or believe but pls do, even if its with your last strength. he is listening. would keep u in my prayers. plus cant you think of friends you can stay with for the time being?

  3. Che

    Massive hug dear. I know exactly how you feel cos I was laid off work recently too. The vacation you took was needed and that was also what I did when mine happened. I just wanted to block it all out and go relax someplace. But afterwards, reality dawns on you. It does hurt, yep and you would feel all sorts of emotions. Let them out dear. Take a deep breathe, pray (don’t stop praying) and start thinking of what to do. A biz idea could come to mind, brood on it and start something, no matter how small it might be. Of course you would still be applying to companies. Learn a skill, take some courses, develop whatever things you have a flair for and you would be surprised at what you would find yourself doing. Everything will work out just right and you would look back to this period and be amazed at how far God has brought you.

    As par the accommodation thingy, so sorry about that. That’s some tough situation. You could contact friends or family and hopefully, that would be sorted out soonest. Would be praying for you dear.

    Thanks for following me, stalking you right back. ((()))

  4. cosmicyoruba

    Sugabelly where are you now?!

    Damn I wish I was in Abuja so you could crash with me, and I’d give you my mum’s number but she’s not in Nigeria at the moment.

    Please be safe, emailing you now.

  5. trae_z

    Truth is that sometimes in life you gotta humble yourself and kiss ass. Forget about you and what you want and do what you gotta do to survive. If you’re in Naija and took your time to cultivate relationships with your fam you should have a few options. Make peace with mum cos I can’t wrap my head around why she ain’t supporting you. Belive you me housing a 3rd party ain’t easy for anyone even cousins/brothers etc. the money, the inconvenience, loss of privacy etc. I say you make peace with your fam; find someone to rescue you and take it from there tactfully. Naija’s hard; be wise.

  6. Kambili

    This loss of job n accomodation could be a blessing in diguise. I believe something better awaits you. Instead of staying with relatives (who will definitely see you as a burden at some point) don’t you have friends to stay with?

  7. Anonymous

    Altho your ituation sounds dire, you haven’t really explained why you were sacked or kicked out of your aunts.
    In all honesty, you do sound like a nightmare to live with. I’m not certain your aunt would have done so if you were impeccably behaved.
    You need to get out of this ‘the world is against me’ attitude as it stinks to the high heavens plus you are none the happier for it.

    You do sound like one who could send another to an early grave with your miserable attitude.
    I know i’m a bit harsh but someone needs to speak the truth here.

    Wish you all the best. You are an adult afterall!

    • sugabelly

      Oh?

      I am 23 years old.

      I don’t drink.

      I don’t smoke.

      I don’t go out. EVER. The last time I attended a party I was 18.

      My friends have NEVER come to the house.

      I don’t throw parties or any other kind of social gathering.

      NOBODY has ever knocked on the door of the house looking for me.

      I eat primarily sushi rice and frozen mixed vegetables which I buy with my own money.

      My main activities primarily consist of:

      -Drawing

      -Reading

      -Writing

      -Watching dramas on my laptop

      -Being on the Internet

      I pay for my internet with my own money.

      My life is very quiet, and utterly boring.

      I suffer from clinical depression which causes me to keep to myself and not talk very much most of the day.

      In other words, I don’t make noise either.

      I stated in the blog post the reason I was fired and the reason she told me to leave.

      So please, tell me how the fuck you deduced that I am a nightmare to live with when for a young person living in a house I don’t do any of the things that young people usually do?

      Yes because a person who quietly keeps to themselves the whole day, purchases their own food, doesn’t talk very much and has no visitors will send you to an early grave with their boring behaviour.

      I’m sure living in a difficult situation which many Nigerians are familiar with automatically equals a “the world is against me” attitude right?

      Yeah because I personally selected my family situation to be the way it is so I can parade up and down feeling sorry for myself and claiming imaginary enemies everywhere.

      Yeah, fuck you.

    • DV

      yeah, fuck you anonymous…mshewwww, полный бред!!

      sugabelly, life sure is scary but hang in there, you’ll come out stronger 🙂
      Here’s me sending good thoughts, prayers and a little something extra your way…hug

  8. Nutty J.

    Oh my gosh Sugabelly all these are happening to you at the same time? I’m so sorry girl. i dont even know what to say.

    What will you do now? has any idea crossed your mind? I am very sorry you are in this situation. You are too young for this…too young and too alone for this.

  9. Nutty J.

    @ Anonymous 1:55am

    Do you know how utterly stupid you sound? you could have tried shutting up instead of commenting and showing just how full of shit you really are…

    mscheeew…nansense

  10. Lara

    Wow, this is so much to take in at a time, can you think of friends you can stay with for the time while you sort things out. What about moving cities if you do not have friends in Abuja…or maybe it is time your mum gets a place of her own and you both move in together.

  11. Anonymous

    Considering you are 23, don’t you think it’s about time you stand on your own feet? Stop living with relatives and get your own place to rent. Since you don’t talk much, i’ll advise you rent a tiny room on your own and you can wallow in misery there.

    Your response is the reason why i believe you must be a nightmare to live with. Too much exaggerated angst which is totally unnecessary. You paint an extremely grim picture but most notably fail to take any real responsibility. No one owes you anything, not even your mum at this point in your life. You like to mouth off as tho na only you get mouth. Now channel all that energy in being less of a burden and a spoilt brat and stand on your two feet as one would expect a 23 year old WOMAN to do.

    If you are clinically depressed then seek professional help and take your drugs to calm you down or whatever treatment you are already receiving and give the world a break! The fact you,ve been diagnosed is half of the problem solved. Be thankful and stop basking in the ‘glory ‘ of you illness.
    Guess i am sick and tired of your attention seeking ways and portraying others as the bad guys and yourself a victim.

    You are terribly extreme in your ways and need to rein it in a bit. Show some humility and be grateful your aunt put you up for this long as it appears your own mum could not shoulder the responsibility of providing a home for her daughter. Perhaps your aunt (and rightly so) feels it’s not her responsibility anymore to house you? Do you understand that? It’s her choice plus i doubt if she literally kicked you out without some sort of warning. You did not mention where you live at the moment, on the streets? As that’s where homeless people reside. But of course it wouldn’t be as interesting if you provide us the TRUE details of your ‘homelesseness’. It’s much better to give an exaggerated and vague narration of your current situation.

    I do hope you get better and sort yourself out. For everyone else, life goes on. I hope it does for you too.

    • sugabelly

      Lots of Nigerians live with their families well into their thirties so you are not going to guilt me or make me feel like i’m somehow freeloading off my family because I’m not.

      It is perfectly normal to have an expectation that you can live with your family. You don’t even know the circumstances under which I’m not able to live with my mother so please.

      It’s not like everyone if given a choice would not like to live with their parents in their family home.

      If you had read the blog post properly you would see where I said that I am still in my aunt’s house but I have some time to get my stuff together and leave.

      If you are sick and tired of my “attention seeking ways” then you don’t have to read my blog.

      As far as I know I have never dragged anybody by the ear and forced them to sit down and read my blog so I don’t know why you feel compelled to read and comment on a post of the sort you are sick and tired of.

      As for “painting a terribly grim picture” you must really have an over active imagination.

      I stated my situation as it is. I didn’t go into melodramatics about somebody is beating ten times a day or starving me or making me sleep under the stairs or any other stories because that is NOT what is happening.

      All I did was state what is happening. I stated a significant issue that has been a source of strife in the house for a while – my mother’s absence. I stated that the situation surrounding this issue has been escalating for a few months and that it culminated with my aunt asking me to leave her house.

      While facing the prospect of housing insecurity is certainly grim, it’s not the kind of gloom and doom picture you’re accusing me of painting.

      If I can’t talk about what’s going on in my life on MY OWN BLOG then there’s no point in writing the blog anymore.

      I never said my aunt kicked me out on the spot. If you cannot read, or if you can but you don’t like what you read, THEN STOP READING MY BLOG.

    • sugabelly

      I’m sure you also think all the unemployed Nigerians living at home with their families should pack out too and rent apartments abi? Since you are handing out money for rent that should be no problem.

      What about all the EMPLOYED young Nigerians living at home with their families????

      They should pack out too since they even have money for rent they must be defrauding their families of that rent money by living at home rent free.

    • Anonymous

      Not drag his ears to read…but I get, it would be hard to grip and drag eyes to read. It may be fun to watch one drag above anonymous commenter’s eyes though. Just saying. Keep your head up. People who think they have all the answers find it easy to criticize. Until you are privy to the whole picture, ask questions and if you don’t like what you see, don’t comment.

      I think I get your decision not to filter your postings as you do have the ‘potential’ to get a lot richer and possibly useful feedback from people who may not want to make themselves known, alas you also risk having to deal with anonymous like above and then having to filter from your brain. Catch 22?

      I second Madame Sting’s emotion…

      Ka chi fo.

  12. Anonymous

    SUGABELLLLLLLLLLLLY! My first comment on your blog. You see, I like balance and objectivity, why fool myself and skew my feelings and opinions to one side. I Kind of agree with anon 1.55am a little as I felt that way when reading the post. Thats his/her opinion and should not be crucified for that. The commenter was a bit harsh with words but i actually thot u could relate to it as you two are of a kind.i put the two of u in thesame category, and guess what, i find the two of you extremely amusing. my kinda peeps.Having said that, I must confess that i respect your personality, creativity, intelligence, outspokeness and most imprtantly, your wits.
    See this period as an opportunity to rediscover yourself, a fresh start. Condition yourself to readjustment(If u eat chinese regulary, change meals to the local one you can tolerate, cut cost at every opportunity)Reconsider those bank jobs that you never liked and turned down. Its just for a while. Waking up everyday to a job brings respect to you from al and sundry. I believe in you dear, JUST BE STRONG.

  13. mims

    Hey sugabelly

    I’m finding it hard to understand how you can be homeless, but you can afford to go on holiday to the UK and South Africa in the same year.

    Wouldn’t it have been better to save that money, since the future was uncertain.

    Wish you luck

  14. Ayodeji

    Wow. Some people really are clueless. All of these effing anonymous posters talking about clinical depression. You don’t know anything about it till it happens to you first hand. So, just shut up. Men, una no get brains. I refuse to deal with eediats.

    Sugabelly, keep your chin up. It is usually darkest before dawn. Wish I could help in some way.

  15. Bewi

    @ Anonymous, just know that you are going to need 100x the amount of energy you have used to demoralize this girl, to defend yourself when people are heaping burning coals on your head.Yes, you made some valid points, but there was absolutely no need for you to act like a sanctimonious jerk! You are on the internet under the guise of ‘anonymous’, trying to break what is left of this young girl…honestly, with your awful words, i don’t know how you are even able to live with yourself.

    @ Sugabelly,I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling.So sorry that you are going through all this.Now that your aunt has kicked you out, I am sure you know that humans cannot be depended on.The only person that will ever have your back in this world is you.When you land your new job, put yourself on a tight budget,cut down your spending expenditure, save wisely and get a place of your own.You need to be able to stand on your own two feet so that no one will ever make you feel less than human. All the best!

    • sugabelly

      Thank you. I’ve definitely learned that lesson the hard way. Right now what I want more than anything is to live in a place that is mine so that’s what I’m working towards.

  16. Igborian Girl

    i’m so sorry to read about this. i’ve been following your blog for a few months, and am usually saddened by how unhappy you seem. just keep your chin up. when ur at the lowest you can be, there’s only one place to go – up! just like the saying goes, when life throws you nothing but lemons, grab them with both hands and set to work making lemonade. i really hope every thing works out well for you. if you need someone to talk to about anything, you can email kambi.nachi@yahoo.com

    take care dear, and God’s peace.

  17. Anonymous

    Uselesss girl, would have helped you big time, but because you abused me on my blog when you dont even know who i was, i WONT. Learn to appreciate people, not everybody blogs for money asshole. Some of us are well established and cant suffer one bit in life, yet because we blog, we receive insults from church-rats like you. I dont blame you. You haven’t started suffering.Until you stop abusing people on their blogs. Stupid fool. Desperate wannabe. If you like dont cut ur coat according 2 ur size. ASSHOLE

    • sugabelly

      So because you are rich, somehow that puts you on a pedestal above everybody else?

      Did I ask for your help? Big fat no!

      You can go and fill your swimming pool with your money and swim around in it if that makes you happy.

      Upon all your money, you’re still such a coward that you have to come to my blog as an Anonymous commenter to leave your comment. So much for your balls huh.

      You can’t take that money with you when you die o! So better enjoy it now while you can instead of leaving stupid comments full of butt hurt on my blog.

      EVERYBODY suffers in life, so if you think your money is going to protect you, guess again. Maybe you won’t suffer being poor, maybe you won’t suffer having nowhere to live, but I know something that I am 100% sure will happen to you sooner or later:

      Somebody you love is going to die. There’s no avoiding it, and then all the money in the world won’t buy that person back.

      So thank you for coming here to tell me how rich you are and how you “would have helped me” but…

      It’s okay, I don’t need your help and more importantly, I never asked for your help. I’ll make my own way in life and do whatever makes me happy.

      Cheers!!

      ^_^

  18. trae_z

    Sugabelly there comes a time in life when you should be the bigger person and learn to drop it. A simply thank you would have put Mr Anonymous to shame. A habit of returning fire for fire is not the best. Not to sound patronizing but it’s the kind of qualities guys look for when searching for a wife. No one wants to marry a lady who will turn his compound upside down in childish back and forth quarrels with his neighbours. This is an honest piece of advice from what i think is the image people form about you from reading your stuffs. Peace!

  19. CYNICALSKEPTIC.

    SUGABELLY . TAKE CARE PRETTY HUN. But what are u doing in nigeria if u aint got nothing going on for u there that is secure.

    u better relocate back to america or something. at least we got homeless shelters and food stamps over here.

  20. igbophilia

    Hia. Did she tell you she was looking for a husband, biko nu? And WHY should she be ‘the bigger person’ when the person insulting her came to her DOORSTEP to do so? See hypocrisy.

    The bullying is so unfair, people.

    This is why Nigerians cannot bat an eyelash before killing someone – see ALUU4. We have LOST the ability to empathise. We have lost our humanity. Why are we acting like when it rains it does not fall on everybody’s house, rich and poor alike? Misfortune visits us all.

    @Sugabelly: I know this situation is behind you, but I just wanted to put my two cents in. Yes, I know that a lot of people find your attitude on this blog irritating – I have been on the receiving end of unwitting sass from you too . I didn’t matter and it does not mean that I will just stand by while people gang up on you. It is WHO YOU ARE and IT IS YOUR BLOG. If you can’t be yourself in your own house, where can you? See wahala. Does that mean you DESERVE bad things?

    Biko, rapu ndi uchu. Hold your head high.

  21. wisequill

    Hi Sugabelly & Sugabelly’s readers,

    I’m here today because I might do something stupid in a matter of minutes, days, or years. I don’t know. I don’t know how many people will see this because it’s an old post. But I just had to get something off my cheat just in case I end up taking my own life. I have tried it once but the picture of what it would do to the people I love made force myself to throw up the poison I’d ingested and I survived.
    Now I’m back at that crossroad again, and I don’t know how many more times I can choose to stay in the land of the living. And that’s why I’m here today. I won’t my name, because I’m not looking for pity. I won’t leave my name because I don’t want to hurt the people I love anymore than I might/ might not hurt them.
    I’m using this forum because you’re the foremost and most honest advocate of mental illness awareness that I know.
    I’m here today to speak one simple truth- depression is real. It is the darkest hell imaginable. I say this, because from my perspective, it is a problem that has no solution, especially in Nigeria. Why you say? After all, there are available treatments right? Wrong. All those treatments do is turn you into something not much different from a zombie, and make you wish you were dead. I watched my own mother suffer nearly every day until the day she died. I was sad because I knew I’d miss her. But I was also happy for her, because I knew she’d find peace.
    I think it’s genetic because over the years I’ve witnessed, and am still witnessing it claim the females in my family. Maybe it’s my turn.
    To my friends and family, I’m probably the happiest person they know! I work constantly to be strong for everyone else. And I’m tired now.
    You might think depression is what happens to people who have nothing. Well, that might be right with some people. But with me personally, and this is what I believe is true depression, I have everything to be thankful for, but my brain constantly falls into a slump where it is incapable of caring, or shall I say, giving a fuck…
    Well, I guess that’s that. Just wanted to spread a little awareness just incase I do something stupid, or wise( I think it’s mostly a matter of perspective right?)
    All I know for sure right now is that I’ve made myself a promise. Whatever I decide within the hour will be be final decision; live or die, I will never come back from it. Well, obviously if I die there’s no coming back. But if I live, I will never again entertain thoughts of ending my life. I will continue to suck it up and carry this cross that God has deemed to give me, on a road whose end I cannot see. Basically, I will force myself to have faith and believe I can go on, because there is no other choice.
    I wish you all of you well, and myself as well. Cheers.

    • sugabelly

      Hi there.

      I just saw this. I don’t know what you’ve done or if you’re still here but if you are, you need to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

      I’ve been there. I’ve been at the point where you are right now. I’ve stood on a bridge, about to jump, wanting to end my life.

      In the end, I managed to claw my way through that darkness and it did get better. I still struggle with depression every day, but I’m still here and my life has a lot of happy moments.

      If you need to talk, I’ll talk to you. Reply this message or you can email me or I’ll give you my skype or something and we can talk.

      Be safe, and know that there are people who love you, and I care about you.

      Hugs and love

      Sugabelly

  22. wisequill

    Hi,

    I am so so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you or anyone else to worry about me. I realise now that I probably should have put a disclaimer or something, so that you wouldn’t be tempted to feel bad or anything. You’re not responsible for me, or any other decision I might have taken. Or maybe even posting that in the first place was a mistake. I don’t know..
    But thank you, for your concern. I made my decision, and it was life.
    I realised suicide might have been the smart way out, but it wasn’t the brave way out.
    So it goes without saying, there is no longer any cause for concern because I promised it would be my final decision. And I never break my promises, even if it will be the hardest promise I ever keep. My loved ones are worth it.
    Once again, I am so so sorry…

    • sugabelly

      I’m just glad you’re okay!!! You don’t have to apologize. It’s not a bother for people to worry about you. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and you need help, it’s okay to reach out to other people and talk about it. Suicide isn’t about being brave or cowardly. It’s about getting to a point where you feel you can’t go on anymore, and I understand that. I’m just letting you know that there’s a chance you might get to that point again in the future despite what you’ve promised yourself, and when you do, please know it’s okay to say “I need help.”.

      So glad you’re alright.

      Lots of hugs and kisses

      Sugabelly


Post a new comment