Yesterday I Told My Mother I Hated Her

And I meant it because a part of me does (or did)

Today she called me in a panic.

She was attacked in her car at gun point by armed robbers and shot at.

They asked her to hand over the keys but her car starts at the press of a button and she’d put the keys away in a hard to reach bag.

Afraid that if she said she couldn’t find the keys they’d kill her or worse, abduct her, she just stepped on the gas and floored it and they opened fire.

She’s alive, and she sounds well enough but it was a really close call.

Perhaps this is the universe telling me that my mother and I have reached rock bottom and our only option is to start back up otherwise lie down and wait for the end.

When she called I comforted her as best as I could, asked her if she could come home, banished her self-recriminations and told her I loved her as directly and simply as I could.

It made me realise how incredibly vulnerable she is.

It also made me realise how sad it is that in spite of the fact that we are not speaking to each other, I am the only one she has to call.

She’s sleeping now and when she wakes in the morning, I will call and reassure her once more.

Of course, this is also the universe making clear to me what a worthless person I am.

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  1. Ginger

    That mustav been a scary experience for her. I’d like to think she called you cause you matter to her (a sorta post 9/11 reaction). Stay positive..

  2. Anonymous

    Re: Universe telling you that you are a “worthless person” I know you know better than that. I know that if it was anyone else, you would brush that aside and tell them to stop being dramatic. Thank God she is fine. Hopefully, the two of you take this timely opportunity to forgive, work out issues, and start expressing love again because I know the love just hid under the covers of hurt. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, Cheluchi.

  3. Mz.T

    You’re not a worthless person Belly. You feel how you feel. At least you didn’t turn her away when she needed you but stepped up and comforted her.

  4. Anonymous

    One day, you are going to realize what a warm , loving and amazingly deep person you are…..peel off all the past bitter experiences and discover yourself girl. I dont know you but you are my daughter, I love you and I hug you. Sit down with the little girl that you were, hug her kiss her, tell her that she is amazing, pretty, special and much loved. Let her know that her older self has been able to find a way to overcome all the hurts that she has gone through and has been able to create a wonderful grown up life in the future for her. She deserves it and so do you.You are beautiful and your parents are blest to have you whether or not they know or realize it. Love your mum, she needs you and her own inner child must be very sad too….

  5. MPB

    Have you ever blogged about your family dynamics or why you have a love hate relationship with your mom? I guess i wish i could understand but it is hard when i feel i dont know the back story. Either way, i am glad she is okay and i am glad you are coping.

  6. CherryWine

    You are not a worthless person. Never say that about yourself and never believe that about yourself. You have so much value. Check out your blog and see how many people follow you. That’s an example of your worth (that’s by no means the entirety of your worth btw)In life, we deal with things as best we can. You have cocooned yourself with hatred for your mother and self loathing for yourself as a defense mechanism. Rather than what you said, I think what the universe i.e. God, is telling you is that now is the time to reconfigure your way of thinking about yourself and your situation and being back in your mother’s life, in a positive way is a start. Good luck dear.

  7. Uche

    Which kind of worthless? Please – you are not. It gets worse before it gets better. If you are at your worst, at least you can identify it and strive to never visit it again. E go better.

  8. bumight

    LMAO @u sugabelly, only you can talk about how u did something sweet, and end it with “thats d universe telling you ure a worthless person”!
    be easier on urself jor

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