Home Is Where the Hatred Is

Having to live with someone because you have no choice is a terrible thing.

To constantly be reminded that your are beholden, at their mercy, and have them threaten to kick you out at any moment and know that you have nowhere to go is something that hopefully will never happen to you but many people endure here, I know.

I got back from the hospital today, but in many ways I wish I somehow could have stayed.

I keep asking myself, is there really nowhere I can go? There is no answer because there is none.

I can’t go home.

Home doesn’t exist any more.

School was in many ways my one safe place. Instead of shunting around from one relative to another to be yet another person’s burden, at school my room wasn’t huge, it was just a small box, but everything from the locked door to the four walls, at least was mine.

Mine. Somewhere I could go, and if things got too bad, I could close the door and sit the world out.

Maybe that’s why I wished I didn’t have to leave.

That’s why I was out all night with Bakura, because I just wanted to forget everything and pretend I didn’t exist.

That’s why I was beating down Yasu’s door, because I just wanted a fresh start in a place where I wasn’t me.

Because I didn’t want to go home.

Because I can’t go home.

There isn’t a place in this world that is home for me.

Home doesn’t exist any more.

My mother just got up one day and left. Walked out without a word, and never came back.

And so, I came back to nowhere to live. To nothing.

You see, home was demolished a long time ago, and I didn’t even know.

I don’t want to be dependent on anyone ever again.

All I want in the world right now is somewhere to live. Somewhere that is mine.

To constantly threaten someone with the insecurity of homelessness when you know they have nowhere to retreat is intolerably cruel.

But then, most of the people doing the threatening have never really had nowhere to go.

All I want is somewhere I can go.

I might have to do some things that will make some people feel very ill but the alternative to flight for me is to be trapped, possibly forever.

I’ve done worse things.

And I’ve judged myself.

My mind is made up. I will do it, whatever it turns out that it must be.

The first chance I get,

I’m leaving this place.

There are 11 comments

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  1. Anonymous

    your recent posts have been so negative,and i am not here to judge, i know you are sick and GERD is no joke,and you also wanna leave home etc,i just wanna tell you that everything actually gets better,you will get well,you will still have your job,you have to work through whatever problems you think you have at home and not run,you will only get stronger for it,think positive thoughts & pray..

  2. Anonymous

    Sugabelly, please please please be patient. My own other went through something similar to what you described in your previous posts. She was severely maltreated by HER OWN MOTHER when she first came to England. Honestly, no one would have ever believed that they were related because of the maltreatment. Today, my mother is so independent and even takes care of this same woman who did all those things to her. Be patient, that’s all I can say to you now. As someone said earlier, things ALWAYS get better. Try and put up with the everything until you can stand on your own two feet. God will NEVER put you through something you cannot handle.

  3. Anonymous

    I think u shld just hang in there. just keep saving from ur salary till u can leave and get ur own place. at least the thot that u will one day leave and make it, shld keep u going and endure. Praying will definitely strengthen u…..i assure u. GOD is in control. take each day as it comes b4 u know it, u will be the one they come to…forget all the negative past…cos it will only make u regret and feel sad. Dont let anyone let u feel less of a human, there are pple who out there dont even have parents but they made it…..just keep believing in GOD. thank GOD you have an education and not jobless…..plan wisely. Dont let anyone make u feel less of a beautiful person that GOD made u to be….

  4. Jakes

    Drop me a mail,let us arrange for you to see a shrink. You need help and need it urgently. you are attacking symptoms and ignoring the root cause. You will get cyber hugs and ‘It is well’ wishes that will not solve your problem.
    Talk to me, i am a complete stranger and i will not judge you. I will help you seek and find professional help and quietly walk away. No hidden agenda,just a concerned blogger. Are you in Lagos?

  5. Anonymous

    Please, do as Jakes has said. You need help and fast. Running away will only be a temporary solution. Get to the root cause of the problem and you’ll be on your way to recovery. Take care dearie.

  6. Lara

    Get well soon girl…it is not easy and right now you are going through a lot of emotions and all. But please girl, never give up. seek help, ask someone at work if they can accommodate you for a while.

  7. Anonymous

    I’m not sure that Gil Scott Heron song even talks about any specific external location you are living because you have no choice-it could be ANY location period where YOU are, as long as YOU are there. Drug addiction, any addiction, is first an emotion thing to get out of feeling s***ty, then it becomes both physical and emotional addiction. I believe Milati Islami is more right on with this one and a lot of things than AA who acts like you didn’t choose to do it in the first place enough. They say it is totally physical first and foremost-which makes one not be responsible enough in their mind for what they did on their own and must do on their own to stop. I’m sorry, but that’s why Milati Islami is better. It’s more real in how it happened and how it must end. I don’t mean to be unfairly harsh, only just as harsh as I must to respect everybody’s real intelligence, sanity, and though I’m sure it was beyond f***ed outside when you started up and beyond understandable it still wasn’t right to do that. So, that’s what I think might work better…I’ll make du’ah for you. Do so for me too.

  8. bumight

    I understand this post only TOO well. I almost believe I wrote this post.
    If I have a shoe closet, its MY shoe closet mansion. Its MINE.
    hang in there chica.

    Home doesn’t exist anymore

    people will NOT understand as long as they have a place to call home. dont expect them to. Nobody can fully understand all that you’re going through, but this particular post I get.

    A shrink will not fix you. You might need pills, you might need therapy, but what you need more is a plan to get you to where you want to be. that would at least give you hope.

    Hang in there!

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