Frozen

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve managed a few months by staying indoors and talking to almost absolutely noone. In the past six months I’ve left the house about a total of fifteen times.

I can’t go on any longer. I’m stuck. I’m panicking. I can’t work. For the last month my work performance has been steadily declining and there’s probably a 90% chance that I will be fired.

I can’t keep pretending to be happy. I’m not.

I have panic attacks every day. The sheer amount of anxiety I’m dealing with every day is staggering. I can see why some people suffering from anxiety would check out sites such as etizoco.com, to see if they can find alternative methods for managing their symptoms better. Dealing with anxiety can be quite tough at times, but knowing that there are possible solutions out there could help put your mind at ease.

At least one comfort I have is that I know that I am not alone in my struggle. There are plenty of people out there in the world who have anxiety disorders, and so many of them are learning to cope with it. If they can do it, then so can I.

On one hand, if I stop working, it will be fewer interactions with people and perhaps that’s for the best since I’m barely functioning at this point.

But on the other hand, if I’m fired, I won’t have any money and the panic is already rising. I spent four years in school just barely, barely making it from term to term by the skin of my teeth. I don’t want to not have money. The thought of not having money makes me feel really really ill. Losing my job will mean losing my freedom but at the same time I can’t in good conscience continue this way, not if I’m not getting my work done and holding everyone back.

On many levels it feels like this is yet another thing that I have failed at in my life. Unlike normal people, I can’t even keep a job.

Sometimes, I think, on top of everything else that happened, for me to come out of it with such a debilitating anxiety disorder is so unfair.

To not be able to go out and talk to people without your heart pounding and feeling like you can’t breathe. To not be able to talk to people at work without feeling the same way until you’re at the point where you can’t even think about work without panicking.

My therapist recommended medication when I was in school but I was really really resistant because I was so afraid (and still am) that I’d be dependent on the medicine and become a different person. There are various treatments and I was told about a lot of prescribed drugs and told that I could use CBD oil for anxiety too. For a while I was okay, but recently I started having the panic attacks so bad, I decided to try it.

It’s only added to my work problems. I have insomnia (I’ve always had it) but when I do fall asleep, I’m sleeping ridiculous amounts. Now I just missed a massively important work meeting …. from oversleeping. I felt a little hope recently when I heard that herbal remedies like those you find at naturesaidcbd.com are a much better alternative, because they help to ease the symptoms of anxiety without destructive side effects. I just need to find the motivation to give them a try because I’ve heard such good things. I also need to talk more about my problems with others because as the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved, but that needs a little more work too.

I tried talking to my family about my fears and my anxiety but they just yelled at me and didn’t try to listen.

Living with an anxiety disorder is hard for anyone, but I think living with one in Nigeria is even more so.

To people here, problems of the sort I have are simply a sign of weakness.

And to be honest, that’s how I feel inside. Like a weak, unsuccessful human being.

A failure.




There are 24 comments

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  1. [▲∆▲Yarn Hobbit▲∆▲]

    awww babes, i know exactly how u feel. feeling like nobody understands your plight because of how our culture views mental disability( or brain touch as they like to call it) . Have you considered therapy? pardon my ignorance but I dont know if they offer that sort of thing in Nigeria. But I know what its like to have insomnia and as for me grinding your teeth for no apparant reason. I dont want to get too personal in the comment box but if you ever need anyone to talk to, i’ll def be here. You can email me foxyboo15@hotmail.com or we can skype but first email me cuz i dont want the world to know my skype name.

  2. MPB

    Yeah try to look for the resources in Nigeria. They are probably limited but surely there is a psychotherapist there who can help you with some behavior modification and then a psychiatrist to help with medication management. If one med is giving you side effects there are many others: SSRIs, SNRIs, TCAs, and benzodiazepines (my least fav cos they can be addictive). Seek help…you will get through this, even if your family does not understand.

  3. Ema Leecious

    Don’t be so hard on yourself dear. It will be well with you.

    I think you should just take things easy. Take some time off work for now, and don’t even think about getting fires. It will only worsen things. Try to leave the house more often, even if its just for 5 mins relaxing walk on your street, or your hood. And please stop thinking about anything that will stress you, its very hard, I know, but it will take a load off your chest as well.
    Most importantly, talk to the one you call God, only Him will actually understand how you truly feel.

    You are def. in my prayers, dear!

    XOXO

    • [▲∆▲Yarn Hobbit▲∆▲]

      Word of advise, the last thing u want to tell someone who is going through anxiety or things of that nature is to ” Try to leave the house more often, even if its just for 5 mins relaxing walk on your street, or your hood. And please stop thinking about anything that will stress you, its very hard, I know, but it will take a load off your chest as well.” its extremely rude but judging from your comment, its plain to see that, you don’t understand or know anyone with such conditions. Im not pointing fingers or anything. Im just saying that the whole ” just get up and do something” mentality is just not appropriate for this kind of situation. Thank you for your understanding.

  4. Ayodeji

    Hi Sugerbelly! I hardly ever comment, but I know people in the medical field in Nigeria that can help. My friends are consultants at teaching hospitals. Can you e-mail me at ayo9087@yahoo.com? Otherwise, I can ask them to e-mail you so they can get in touch. Sending some prayers your way.

  5. Prism of an immigrant

    I don’t know why I’m liking you more and more with these depressing posts. I think it’s your honesty. Well, just continue to hang in there and take life one day at a time. Really, that’s all we’ve got.

  6. Uds

    I’m a frequent reader of your blog, I just wanted to leave a comment to show some support. Therapy helps. I have been in therapy for about a year now, and things have improved so much. I still battle with insomnia and sometimes serious anxiety, but overall I am happier, more at peace, and I am becoming more and more like the person I know I can be. My family, co workers, and friends have all noticed the difference, even though I’ve only told one friend that I’m in therapy. At this time last year I was a complete mess. That I’m here to write this today is proof that it gets better 🙂

    Please try therapy if you haven’t already done so. You are such a beautiful and talented soul. You have many good things to share with the world. You deserve happiness.

  7. Princessandthepea

    I completely understand your fear of dependency on drugs as a solution. There are other often more effective solutions for anxiety disorders such as relaxation techniques, Cognitive behavioural therapy and meditation practises.

    Check out:
    http://www.anxieties.com
    for loads of free self assessment and self help programs for anxiety disorders.
    For some short meditations:
    http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm

    For some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy self help resources check out:
    http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm &
    http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

    And if you can find a qualified CGT therapist in Nigeria, this kind of therapy can be very effective for dealing with these type of problems within a limited time period.

  8. Chic Therapy

    Hey sweets, so sorry you are going through this. Just hang in there.What about your drawing?Are you still doing that? Try to focus on things that make you happy. Lots of hugs!

  9. Jakes

    Sugabelly,
    You need to see a shrink. As a matter of urgency. What city are you based in?
    It seems these problems started years ago so i wonder why you never tried to seek help while in the States?
    These issues sound like serious stuff that just talking about them online and getting cyber hugs will not solve the matter. You need some serious therapy. Find help and try and declutter your mind.You seem to have too much going on in your mind. Wishing you the best.

  10. Northern Girl

    Hello Sugabelly, just want to say you are in my prayers. I read but never comment on your posts but I appreciate each one of them.So sorry you feel this way and all I have to offer at this point is prayers.

  11. Anonymous

    Only God can give u complete deliverance from anxiety. I use to have this terrible anxiety. but God healed me. am anxiety free, praise to God.

  12. Ginger

    Where did you get this idea about being weak? you are the strongest chic i know! Having a passion for art, for living, for doing something like you do puts you on a level above others. Do try and take up one of the offers from comments above. You are going to be well.

  13. LucidLilith

    Please talk to a therapist or at the very least get on anxiety meds to temporarily get you through the tough times. You need to level our or you will lose your job for sure.


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