The Scariest Thing
Thank you so much to everyone who was concerned. I went to see the doctor and she checked my heart and said my pulse was normal but to be safe she scheduled an EKG on Thursday and then we’ll go from there. She said that she suspects it might have been a really bad panic attack (apparently the worse ones can feel just like a heart attack) and that it’s probably due to the fact that I have a long history of chronic anxiety. I have managed this anxiety with many treatments and products, along with some of the best CBD oils I can find and it definitely helped a lot, but this time was just too much for me to handle and unfortunately it lead to a major panic attack.
Happened to me yesterday.
I was just sitting on the couch when suddenly I felt like something was draining from the sides of my neck and then I felt my heart stop.
I am serious. For at least five very long seconds I frantically checked my wrists, my neck, and my chest, and I had no heart beat. I was breathing but more and more it felt like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs even though I’m sure I was inflating them to full capacity. The doctor said that irregular heartbeats can be dangerous. He also said that it would be in this sort of situation that a defibrillator should be used to try and get the heartbeat back to a normal rhythm. Unfortunately, though, defibrillators are usually kept in a weatherproof AED cabinet, so I wouldn’t have been able to access it anyway because I was at home.
The thought of me not being able to get to something that I need honestly terrified me. Which is why that night I spent most of it googling relating to a healthy heart and how to go about it if something does go wrong. I found out that people can monitor their own heartbeat using medical devices that can be found at sites like sonohealth.org, so at least there is some way that I can monitor my heart rate. That’s only if my heart is the issue though, I’m hoping that on Thursday I’ll find out that it was just a bad panic attack (which means that my heart should be fine). I just got to wait and see what happens at my EKG.
The strangest part of it was I couldn’t panic. You know that rush of adrenaline that comes when you’re extremely afraid that prepares you to run like you’ve never run before or fight for your life? It never came. In my mind I was in utter panic but my entire body felt horribly calm. I started feeling dizzy like I was going to black out so I tried to stand up and it was really difficult. I almost fell down. I managed to stagger a few steps but everything was spinning, and my breathing didn’t seem to be doing anything. I honestly thought, “This is it, this is the end, I am going to die, but how strange, I never imagined it this way.”
But all of a sudden, it just stupidly occurred to me to jump, which felt dumb because if you’re on the verge of death or at least passing out whether or not you can jump is the least of your worries.
It seemed silly but I did jump, and the moment my feet hit the floor again, I felt my heart start and it began to beat really really fast as if it was trying to make up for all the beats it missed when it stopped. I took some huge deep breaths and it was the most awesome feeling, I could feel the air rushing back in.
I staggered back to the couch and sat down and only then did the adrenaline hit and I started to feel all the fear and panic that I was curiously unable to feel moments ago.
I’m writing this lying in bed with the lights on. I haven’t slept a wink because I’m terrified it will happen again and I won’t wake up. I’ve even been trying to read up on how to stop panic attacks at night to see if I can manage it better and stop it from happening again. For the past three years, I’ve been having stabbing pains in the left side of my chest but every doctor I’ve been to has said I can’t have a heart problem because I’m only twenty-two and that I should just lose weight and it’ll go away.
This is an entirely new symptom and it was scary as hell. Once it’s light I’m going to the hospital to get checked out. I just keep thinking why oh why does this have to happen now? It didn’t happen when I was in America so why here? What terrifies me the most is that if there’s a time bound emergency I can’t even dial 911 and have an ambulance come get me. The whole situation is just distressing.