I am Tired
So tired of feeling sorry for myself… and I’m very good at it. I’m tired of losing, and failing, and being defeated. I’m tired of curling up into a ball and crying my heart and being unable to find the will to live. I want to live. I just feel so devoid of energy. I have heard that methyl b12 can help rejuvenate your energy levels so I may have to give that a try soon. I want to fucking live and breathe and be so alive I can taste the air. Right now I’m not alive… I merely exist and my friends, my family, my enemies, my lovers, the people who read my blog, and the Internet have been my life support until this moment, but everyone hits rock bottom at some point. I’ve been falling for such a long, long, long time, and maybe I forgot and thought that I was falling in a bottomless pit but I finally broke for the final time, this time I think I’m going to attempt using cbd juul pods or something alike to finally give myself some much-deserved rest and recuperation.
I’m selfish; that much I’ll admit. I might love him but I also love him selfishly because I depend on him for happiness and so I need him… constantly… whether he wants to sleep or not. Whether he’s sick of seeing me or not. Whether he won’t fuck me anymore or not. He said I act like a sixteen year old even though I’m twenty-one. He’s wrong. I don’t act like a sixteen year old, I act like a seventeen year old.
You hear that?
It’s not sixteen! It’s seventeen. It’s seventeen because I can’t move forward and my mind is trapped in my seventeen year old self – a self that can’t get past a time when I was nothing more than an afterthought to the first person I really gave my heart and myself to. A self that can’t get past using sex as a master drug to burn through the things I didn’t want to think about or remember. A self that’s still trapped in a world with no light and no way out. A self that is constantly afraid and constantly anxious. A person with zero self esteem or even self respect.
I didn’t care that Bakura didn’t love me… it was better to be needed. I was useful to him and so he kept me… So maybe it’s the same with HL….. I was content to be his pet and it frightened the shit out of him that I was fine with it. But then I went and blanketed his life in darkness.
I’m sick of sucking everyone around me into a black hole. I feel empty inside and that’s why I eat and beg HL to do unspeakable things to me… because nothing can seal it shut. If HL beat me I would kneel there and relish the pain anyway. Nosa says I can’t even have sex like a normal person. Nosa is very very right. I absolutely hate the person I am inside. I’m still seventeen on the inside. I’m still scared, still anxious, still constantly hungry, still hoping for something I can’t describe, I still feel an inexorable urge to run. It’s something that would maybe be helped by something like Blessed CBD oil, but I don’t have access to that right now.
I cannot explain this in a way that makes sense. Even now I’m rambling and I can’t make it right. I can’t forget the things that happened. I can’t forgive the people that did them… and that includes me. Everything still haunts me and it’s preventing me from moving forward. I know I have to let everything go but it’s almost impossible to forget and I do not have the courage to stand on the edge of my existence and throw myself off with the hope that somehow my wings will come in.
I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life to go from being an ugly duckling to a swan, and I’m still an ugly duckling waiting for my life to bloom and everything is slipping by me and more and more each day I am less able to face the person who stares back at me in the mirror because it is a person I want desperately to forget.
I am filled with self-loathing but I’m also tired. I feel mentally drained, in fact. I have looked up the way I’m feeling online and a lot of people in
a similar position to me turn to supplements from companies like ActivatedYou to gain more energy. Maybe I should look into taking something to help me because I’m tired of running away from all the bad things that I’ve been putting off dealing with. I want to stop substituting. I need to stop using food and secret trips to HL’s bed to numb the pain. A long time ago I was seventeen and I made every wrong decision in the book and then some… I survived it.. I’m still here. I’m broken in many places but aren’t I still here?
HL is mad at me. I practically molest him with how often I come to him in the dead of the night…wanting to forget. He has every right to be raging mad. He knows I’m unable to sleep… but that’s as much as I can choke out before I ask for things that he is increasingly wary of giving … especially as I still have not learned how to stop.
I have to be a different person. I will no longer be weak. I will face pain without trying to numb it. I will admit I have been wrong so many times. I will admit I have made close to terrible mistakes but I have to forgive myself and everyone and leave it all firmly in the past.
I admit I am toxic to everyone around me. Being my friend is often difficult, and the friends that I do have have the patience of the Buddha.
I am so sorry
Please forgive me.