I am Tired

So tired of feeling sorry for myself… and I’m very good at it. I’m tired of losing, and failing, and being defeated. I’m tired of curling up into a ball and crying my heart and being unable to find the will to live. I want to live. I just feel so devoid of energy. I have heard that methyl b12 can help rejuvenate your energy levels so I may have to give that a try soon. I want to fucking live and breathe and be so alive I can taste the air. Right now I’m not alive… I merely exist and my friends, my family, my enemies, my lovers, the people who read my blog, and the Internet have been my life support until this moment, but everyone hits rock bottom at some point. I’ve been falling for such a long, long, long time, and maybe I forgot and thought that I was falling in a bottomless pit but I finally broke for the final time, this time I think I’m going to attempt using cbd juul pods or something alike to finally give myself some much-deserved rest and recuperation.

I’m selfish; that much I’ll admit. I might love him but I also love him selfishly because I depend on him for happiness and so I need him… constantly… whether he wants to sleep or not. Whether he’s sick of seeing me or not. Whether he won’t fuck me anymore or not. He said I act like a sixteen year old even though I’m twenty-one. He’s wrong. I don’t act like a sixteen year old, I act like a seventeen year old.

You hear that?

It’s not sixteen! It’s seventeen. It’s seventeen because I can’t move forward and my mind is trapped in my seventeen year old self – a self that can’t get past a time when I was nothing more than an afterthought to the first person I really gave my heart and myself to. A self that can’t get past using sex as a master drug to burn through the things I didn’t want to think about or remember. A self that’s still trapped in a world with no light and no way out. A self that is constantly afraid and constantly anxious. A person with zero self esteem or even self respect.

I didn’t care that Bakura didn’t love me… it was better to be needed. I was useful to him and so he kept me… So maybe it’s the same with HL….. I was content to be his pet and it frightened the shit out of him that I was fine with it. But then I went and blanketed his life in darkness.

I’m sick of sucking everyone around me into a black hole. I feel empty inside and that’s why I eat and beg HL to do unspeakable things to me… because nothing can seal it shut. If HL beat me I would kneel there and relish the pain anyway. Nosa says I can’t even have sex like a normal person. Nosa is very very right. I absolutely hate the person I am inside. I’m still seventeen on the inside. I’m still scared, still anxious, still constantly hungry, still hoping for something I can’t describe, I still feel an inexorable urge to run. It’s something that would maybe be helped by something like Blessed CBD oil, but I don’t have access to that right now.

I cannot explain this in a way that makes sense. Even now I’m rambling and I can’t make it right. I can’t forget the things that happened. I can’t forgive the people that did them… and that includes me. Everything still haunts me and it’s preventing me from moving forward. I know I have to let everything go but it’s almost impossible to forget and I do not have the courage to stand on the edge of my existence and throw myself off with the hope that somehow my wings will come in.

I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life to go from being an ugly duckling to a swan, and I’m still an ugly duckling waiting for my life to bloom and everything is slipping by me and more and more each day I am less able to face the person who stares back at me in the mirror because it is a person I want desperately to forget.

I am filled with self-loathing but I’m also tired. I feel mentally drained, in fact. I have looked up the way I’m feeling online and a lot of people in
a similar position to me turn to supplements from companies like ActivatedYou to gain more energy. Maybe I should look into taking something to help me because I’m tired of running away from all the bad things that I’ve been putting off dealing with. I want to stop substituting. I need to stop using food and secret trips to HL’s bed to numb the pain. A long time ago I was seventeen and I made every wrong decision in the book and then some… I survived it.. I’m still here. I’m broken in many places but aren’t I still here?

HL is mad at me. I practically molest him with how often I come to him in the dead of the night…wanting to forget. He has every right to be raging mad. He knows I’m unable to sleep… but that’s as much as I can choke out before I ask for things that he is increasingly wary of giving … especially as I still have not learned how to stop.

I have to be a different person. I will no longer be weak. I will face pain without trying to numb it. I will admit I have been wrong so many times. I will admit I have made close to terrible mistakes but I have to forgive myself and everyone and leave it all firmly in the past.

I admit I am toxic to everyone around me. Being my friend is often difficult, and the friends that I do have have the patience of the Buddha.

I am so sorry

Please forgive me.

There are 12 comments

Add yours
  1. leggy

    the part about nosa made me laugh, i have no idea why.
    well, if sex makes you feel better…lol..just kidding.
    i personally think you take life wayyyy too seriously.
    laugh things off, pretend you are fine and eventually you will be, seek help from people around you but dont demand it.
    i cant even imagine how tired HL must be with all these things..biko hapu nwa mmadu aka.
    i personally think you shoud focus on yourself(ha ha ha, very orignal right?).
    try to feel good about yourself, do things that make you very happy atleast once a year.
    you need to stop the diets for now jor, stop eating junk food and stop eating fast food.if you eat healthy normal food and try to walk places instead of driving or taking the bus, using stairs instead of the elevator, you are going to see a whole difference.
    dont focus on being skinny, focus on being happy with your body, a size 0 doesnt solve everything.
    you need to freaking forget that bakura guy, ahn ahn, he fucked you up you should be fucking him up by being the you he would regret abusing.

    you need to freaking snap out of it.like seriously!!
    freaking snap out of it.

    really dont have time to proofread this long thing, so feel free to laugh at any errors.


  2. Mamuje

    Babe, I really think you should speak to a professional. If for any reason you want to talk, we are here for you. No need hurting yourself. You are young and bright and very talented. You have a lot of good things going for you don’t forget that. You need to make peace with yourself and forgive your dad…

  3. Vanity

    I thought you were totallly done with HL and I applauded you. I don’t know you but I was rooting for you because well we have a FEW things in common and I was hoping that some other person would be able to pull through like I did.

    Forget about this Bukura person. Really you need to stop dwelling on the past and get professional help. Like seriously.’

    Forgiving yourself needs to be the first step.

    Oh and listen to Leggy she seems wise.

    p.s Nosa is funny

  4. Nutty J.

    At a point….you need to stop this.

    Snap out of it. I know ur problems re real…but you can fix it. So fix it with professional help or just snap out of it already!!!

    There re people with problems that cannot be fixed. Not by them and not by anyone else…

    Be thankful you have a fixable problem and stop wallowing. Fix it. Or one day those your friends who have the patience of Budda would see u coming and avoid you…becos they too have problems they cant talk about becos they are busy everytime trying to listen to urs and thinking of how to help you. Over and over and over again trying to help you out with the same problem over and over and over and over again. Even the nicest person soon would get tired.

  5. A Rose Colored Glass

    its these dark moments in our lives that help us clean up the past……we have pain to remind us we have some changes to make;we have wounds that need healing….its never too late my love…its time you make some time to your self…..you need to figure out what you want that is going to move you in a positive direction…its not easy to forgive…sometimes its because we dont know how,…to me when you forgive you understand….in forgiving it means that you learn from you mistakes and realize what it taught you about yourself and others…no ones perfect..the best option is to love yourself and those who did you wrong…..they dont have to change there ways….love them but know who to stay clear from….you can love your enemies but remember who they are and what they have done to you (w3ho is worth the pain…who really cares about you?)….distance yourself….dont hate because no one is better than the next man…we are victims to our pain….we blame others when we are the ones that are suffering…and does that person that caused it care…HEEELLL NO!!!so we have to forgive for ourselves…no for them,….take these future moments and love YOU…no one is going to love YOU more than YOU….what helps me is writng and meditating… positive thoughts…think about why you were negative and (relize why you though or felt that way) then turn them into positive things…..it works but it starts with you…its not easy because you can sometimes fall back into your old ways or self…i have plenty times…which shows us that we are human…so dont rush it…take your time..its alll about you…never give up…you are stilll here…..i will be praying for you…i know how its feels to be broken….so dont give up…..

  6. Azazel

    Lol @ leggy giving advice lol..
    Lol @ pretend it will go away and it will..
    Please remind me never to ask u for advice on anything of substance

    As vanity’s blog says, somepeople have real problems.

  7. LucidLilith

    Therapy will help you gain perspective. I am sure your school has a counselor. If you don’t get help, it may become too late, you dig yourself into a hole you are unable to get out of.

    After a while, there comes a time when you need to start taking responsibility for your happiness…not blaming Bakura or HL or being fat. You have the power to change everything in your life. Actually, this is the only thing you have control over. So, get to it.

  8. Esther

    I know u’ve probably heard the phrase forgive and forget and believe me, its easier said than done…. but try, jst try yh.
    Oh and also come closer to God/Jesus…talk to him like you would a friend..Read the bible, it has stories and advice for practically every situation you might have encounter(ed).
    Oh and jst know that while your busy feeling sorry for your self and hating on bakura…he’s probly busy with other girls and having a good time..your angry thoughts/words towards him is only affecting you…

  9. honestly

    Let me tell you the honest truth! You need to do two things:
    1) Abstain from sex.
    2) Go to God.
    Seek the kingdom of God and other things in your life will fall into place! I am talking from experience, it is only when you are right with God that your sadness, fear and insecurities will be replaced with love, peace and joy! No matter what you have done, where you are from – God will accept you! He loves you and thinks the world of you – did you know that?

    Quit these destructive habits and start making some positive habits (like going to church, prayer etc)

Post a new comment