40 Day Master Cleanse: Days 1 and 2

I honestly don’t feel like writing right now. I don’t feel like doing anything more than lying in bed (the couch) and staring at the ceiling all day. Last night I went to him to ask what I did wrong (yet again). He says I get on his nerves and he’s beginning to hate me so before that happens I’m just going to go away.

Last night I laid out all the pills on the table and arranged them in groups of three. I counted them, and then I counted them again, and tried to breathe. Nineteen pills in all. I counted and counted and counted until the tears came. And then I cried until I passed out.

It feels as though no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for him. I will never be what he wants. He will never look at me and see me as I see him. He says there is a huge difference between his standards and mine. I get yelled at for everything now. For commenting on his Facebook statuses, for “interrupting” him when he’s talking with his friends, for giving him “strange looks” when he’s talking to other girls … I don’t mean to. I suppose my face just betrays my sadness. For talking too much.. for talking too little, for saying unnecessary things, for making unnecessary gestures which are really born out of my inability to express how I feel when I’m with him.

Maybe the look on my face is funny because I’m jealous. Incredibly jealous and incredibly sad. I have to see him and then when I do, I feel like the walking dead.

I don’t argue… I just nod my head when he lists my faults and promise to do better. I apologise over and over again because I’m terrified that he will say he won’t see me anymore… and then what will I do? Go back to my old life of crushing loneliness? Go back to gorging myself in the middle of the night or playing Age of Empires till the sun’s first rays peek through my window because I am once again unable to sleep? Go back to living vicariously through the family I control on the Sims 3… a world in which he is happy with me.

I can’t. He doesn’t understand why I continuously show up at his door. Because he is asking me to re-descend into darkness and I can’t because he already showed me that I can live in the light. I have always tried hard to respect his wishes. Hard has not been good enough up till now so from now on, I will try harder. I will keep away… for days.. for weeks.. for months… maybe forever. I will go out into the world and smile brilliantly even though inside my heart is breaking. When he hugs and kisses other women I will smile and force my eyes to sparkle. When I see him pass I will look away. I will forget because I must. We live in the same house so I must forget as soon as possible. I choose to forget because if I don’t, then maybe the next time he kisses her or helps her carry something because she’s too tiny and pale and delicate to do it on her own I might just swallow all those little groups of three and call it a day.

My mother came to see me… the first thing she said to me was “You are so fat. Look how wide your face is. You are so ugly.”

I can only speak for myself. I have no idea what my image is in his eyes. I wish I could see from his eyes and feel his feelings and understand. I know I have many shortcomings.. all of which I am working hard to fix. I don’t know what else to do, but I can’t shake the feeling that I wish I were short and tiny and Japanese and then maybe that would help somehow.

I can never be short.

I can never be petite.

I can never be cute.

I can never be Japanese.

And I can’t be white either.

In other words… I probably can never be what he wants…

And I guess that’s okay.

I apologise.

This was supposed to be about the Master Cleanse wasn’t it?  Today is Day 2. Yesterday I weighed 245 pounds (about  111.4 KG). Today I weigh 241.4 pounds (109.7 KG). Health/hunger wise… I feel fine. Nothing much to report. Of course there are no visible physical changes yet. I’m sorry again.


I know that I’ve been told to get help, but I think I should clarify something. The reason I’m afraid to go back to the therapist is because they keep suggesting medication and I don’t want to take any drugs. I’m really scared of antidepressants because I’m afraid I won’t be myself anymore.

There are 14 comments

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  1. Sting

    I understand u r going through a lot mentally and emotionally. Obviously, u have not taken any advice to seek professional help. I hope that one day all these will be a thing of the past.

    I know u r an only child, so i find it difficult to believe that your mother called you ugly. I’m sorry to hear that. Hang in there and hopefully one day you will be able to smile again.

    Seriously, go get help.

  2. Really Random Name

    I thought you were going to let him go. You are fighting a battle you can’t win and you are losing the war as a result. Just look at the big picture just this once. Just do what I’ve been begging you to do this one time, please.

    You know you don’t want to marry him. You are fucking up prospects of finding THAT guy by wasting time on him.

    The only way you’ll ever be truly happy is if you let him go. I’ve said it a gazillion trillion times and I’ll keep saying it

  3. LaPenseuse

    You are not ugly!!! Don’t believe that lie!!! Only the little picture you have on blogger shows how gorgeous you are 🙂
    Someone who cannot accept you as you are does not deserve your time. You need to love yourself because no one else will love you more than you!!!

  4. Formerly stealth reader

    African mothers come off as callous sometimes in the way they choose to express themselves.
    think nothing of it, i have been called fat, stupid, wicked etc by my mum, most of them are not sensitive, not their fault. do what you need to do, (and do not think about the abuse, it is a waste of time in every way!) i hope you complete the cleanse. cheers!
    He has become your enabler….i feel like your defence mechanism has become wallowing in pain. unfortunately i cant help, but this is what i notice (i may be wrong) you are smart, i am sure you know what you have to do; love yourself, leave him etc yet you are stuck in the same place …….it may be hard for other people not to understand “why you cant get it?”
    little steps at a time, try and restrain yourself from running back to old habits, your comfort zone…..self destruction.
    baby steps……..even if you fail a mil times dont forget you have made progress, dnt give up. *hug*

  5. Vanity

    As someone who’s gone through therapy, do not take anti-depressants, no matter what they say. It will fuck you up good. You have the option to say no.

    I feel like you’ve let yourself be abused by bukura(?) and now you’re letting the same thing happen with HL, only this time it’s mentally.

    Do not let your mother get to you, but if it gets too much let her know exactly how it makes you feel.

    I have decided I will not be commenting anymore about HL but I def want to know how the master cleanse works out

  6. Anyaposh

    i didn’t like this post at all. why are you torturing yourself about this guy and all the other things that afflict you?

    Here’s my rule: If you don’t like it, change it.

    1. If you don’t like being fat, join a gym and work at it. Not this extreme master cleanse thing, which you know you will gain all back anyway, and put yourself at risk of developing an ulcer.

    2. Your mom said you’re ugly. Do you believe her? You don’t like it? change it. Go buy some makeup, get a new outfit. Buy accessories. Do something to make you feel fabulous! In the end, it’s your face, your body.

    3. You want this boy so bad? Why? Is he even worth all the heart ache? Please enough already. NOBODY IS WORTH THAT KIND OF OBSESSION. NOBODY (only Jesus ofcourse) and he’s no longer a person.

    4. You want to kill yourself? You want to numb the pain? You hate your life? I dare you to fucking end it!
    You’re not weak, you’re not alone. You’re not at the mercy of anybody. If you don’t like something about yourself, I DARE YOU TO CHANGE IT.

    in the end, I’m with leggy. This whole thing is beginning to sound like fiction to me. I don tire.

  7. Mamuje

    Sadly, I am following the Leggy and Anyaposh route. Truth is, we all have issues we deal with.. I know its your blog.. But its now made for public consumption. If you keep at this.. You’d probably not have any readers. I am quite tired of reading the same thing over and over and over again..stay blessed!

  8. journeytoprint

    My mom said something negative about the size of my legs once – I don’t remember what because it was just not serious. As in even if she believes what she said is she the one to decide how to see yourself? If you don’t learn to love yourself no one will. I don’t think I’ve ever had problems like yours but I do have problems, like most people do I’m sure and the sooner you love yourself the sooner others will respond to you positively.
    As for this guy please abeg just leave him. There are guys out there who will like you flaws and all. If you give yourself the chance you might meet one of them.
    Take Care Hun – its not fun being stuck in your own head. Try a change of scenery or something. Meet new people because this is definitely not healthy.

  9. LucidLilith

    If you don’t want to take medication, then don’t take medication. Do talk therapy…it does amazing wonders for the soul to be able to sound your emotions and have someone else give you a fresh perspective.

    Secondly – start exercising. Walking for 30-45 minutes or jogging or anything. Exercise is a NATURAL anti depressant.

  10. LucidLilith

    Also – I believe HL is contributing to your depression. You need to get him out of your mind. I know…easier said than done, but it is possible to change bad habits. Just avoid him for a long long while. Don’t speak to him, don’t involve him, don’t go to his room for anything!!! Keep yourself busy…blog, do your ndebe project, edit some writings on the Writing website, start a F**cking project – anything…but keep busy.

  11. Enyonam

    My Dad once called me an embarrasment because I am fat (and he is a doctor). It hurt but guess what I did. I ignored him till I was ready to start working out and dieting.

    Now I work out everyday and I’m modifying my diet. I feel accomplished when I step on the scale and see a .1 difference in my weight.

    My dear, even though the master cleanse seems to be working, I think you should choose a safer way.

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