Bakura Called…

…He wants me to forgive him
….He wants us to be friends
…I didn’t know what to say
…I’m afraid he’ll call again
…and I still won’t know what to say
Today I went to see HL
…who still doesn’t want to see me
…I went because Bakura’s call really upset me
…So I guess I was looking for my little happiness where I thought I’d stashed it
…HL found my little happiness and stomped all over it
…and banished me from his door
…I ordered a pizza I have no intention of eating
…It’s sitting on the floor next to me
…I guess it reminds of me of the empty days when I ate to fill the hole inside me
…I’ve still got a hole
…but it’s smaller now
…much smaller
…but it sucks everything into the darkness with just as much strength
…HL doesn’t understand
…I do not come to him because I cannot be somewhere else
…or because I have nothing to do
…I have loads of things to do
…I go to him because
…the door to his room
…is the portal to another world
…the gateway to a place
…where noone can find me
…where the girl who was seventeen doesn’t exist
…and never existed
…in his room
…in his presence
…there is no fear
…no anxiety
…no mind numbing pain
…in his presence
…I feel brand new
…HL is the gatekeeper to my happy place
…but he doesn’t understand
…and so he continues to deny me entry
…don’t turn me away
…I come only because
…I come to feel alive
…I come because where you are, I see in colour
…because you fight away my nightmares without even trying
…with your eternal mess
…your scruffy pajamas
…your video games at three in the morning
…with your laughter
…and your smiles
…and even your anger
…but most especially
…with your kisses
…which are few
…and even farther between
…please don’t turn me away
…say you’ll keep me
…because I come to you to remember how to breathe
…and how to laugh
…and how to feel
…I have many insecurities
…many that have to do with you
…and many that don’t
…but I forget them all either way
…as long as you will let me sit by your bed
…and prevent you from sleeping
…I’m sorry
…I don’t mean to hold you from sleep
…but when you do
…I have to leave
…because you won’t let me stay while your chest rises and falls and your breath comes in peaceful little gusts
…I hate leaving
…because then I have to come here
…and remember who I am
…and remember that I am real
…and not just a character in someone’s nightmare
…I trudge through the days
…staring into space like a robot
…until my little happiness walks up
…sipping cappuccino with his ipod earphones in his ear
…one look
…one smile
…and it’s enough to stave off sadness for the day
…but I keep wanting more
…I need more
…more of what you’re not willing to give anymore
…but who am I fooling?
…I knew it would happen like this, end like this, be like this
…so I took what I could get
…and I offered what you could never refuse… noone has ever refused
…I’m sorry for treating you like a drug
…truly, I am
…Today Bakura called
…to remind me of the past
…he said
…I used to be his woman, his girl, what happened?
…It’s so easy for him to ask what happened
…so easy
…because he’s not the one stuck writing blog posts
…about shit that won’t get out of his head
…so easy
…because he’s not the one that cries
…when HL touches him
…he doesn’t have to blame his tears on contact lenses
…he doesn’t sleep curled up in a ball at the bottom of the bed
…with his head tucked between his knees
…and his hands over his head
…I do
…and so it’s easy
…to say it was so long ago
…because you didn’t relive it every day and find no punishment enough
…so easy
…so so easy

There are 13 comments

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  1. ~B~

    Totally agree with Sting, U shuldn’t depend on other people to b happy. it’s just like handin someone else the remote control t ur life.

  2. Formerly stealth reader

    even though he doesnt understand he is probably doing u d biggest favour by turning you out.
    slowly slowly d hole will get smaller n smaller till its no more, keep being kinder to yourself and judge yourself less to avoid the hate guilt and regret, keep being thankful for every little victory, celebrations are in order, there is a change in your writing, i think you are more acceptant….keep moving on

  3. Anyaposh

    whoa, please ABEG this HL is not God, look at the way you’re even describing him….what the heck?

    “…in his room
    …in his presence
    …there is no fear
    …no anxiety
    …no mind numbing pain
    …in his presence
    …I feel brand new”

    read my most recent blog post and see that being mentally or psychologically stuck in limbo with this bakura character is pointless. life is progressive. you must move on and heal yourself. you cannot remain stagnant because it will continue sapping away at your strength. life is too short to let one single moment/incident encompass the whole of our being,or even describe us, or dictate the way we will live our lives.

    This HL character will NEVER fill the void in your heart. Stop trying to make him. You need to be strong for yourself.

  4. lahlah

    sugabelly, one thing, i know it’s probably really difficult to re direct your heart, but you should not rely on others so much for you happiness. also you seem to be working this tortured artists thing, your drawing in the next post is beautiful. sha remember HL, Bakura, whoever else waltzes into your life, you just can not allow them to control you life

  5. Nutty J.

    Is it Just me or did you just describe God here: his room
    …in his presence
    …there is no fear
    …no anxiety
    …no mind numbing pain
    …in his presence
    …I feel brand new

    ol girl calm down oooooo

  6. Fuchsia

    hun i think HL and probably every other guy might want to turn you away from their door. pleas i’m not trying to be harsh. i say this because when you are at their door you are holding so much baggage that you are about to unload on them. and they feel it. they might not say it all the time. might even tolerate it or think its endearing at first. but the weight becomes too heavy because they are carrying their own baggage too. and being around you becomes work.

    and they want you to be their escape. so it becomes a sad cycle really. they wanna be able to breathe around you.

    the solution is to learn how to be al those things for yourself. it is so hard to even figure out what that means not to talk of how to get there. but hun i’m not here to preach but the fastest way is the Bible. even I often forget all the life secrets it holds. but its ALL there.

    also congrats on the progress u’v made. u mentioned the hole was smaller.

    last thing don’t let that blood sucking leach come and drain you once again. can people change yes. is it likely that they will? NO. didnt he go off with some other girl or did she realise what he was. so hes come back to his good old reliable mugu abi? its unfortunate but there are people like this. u need to protect urse.

    lol did not mean to ramble on but u know… once you start…

  7. LucidLilith

    So raw. So full of emotion. I agree with others. HL cannot undo what Bakura has done. You also need to forgive Bakura. Forgiveness can help heal you. Help remove that hold he has on you so you can move on.

  8. Trésor

    My Sweet Gal, you are too fine to let yourself be weighed down by the rejection of mere mortals.

    Seriously, speaking as someone who once walked in those shoes: you need to turn to the Immortal one who will never reject you. The sooner the better.
    Love eternal, Love so sweet
    Love that endures for ever
    Love that is boundless and so pure; that fills up every corner of your soul and body, overflowing to reach out to those who like you are born in Love.
    Love that’s faithful and so true.
    Love that embraces and holds you so tight, warming you from within so that you can never feel lonely again.Love that will never let go, Love that understands without a word being spoken, Love…
    True Love is found in God and through God. And once you believe in him and let yourself feel the power of His Love, you will never ever ever feel rejected or dejected or ejected and all the other jecteds!
    This is my personal testimony so you can take that to the bank and trade on it.


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