Victims of Abuse

…will often seek out abusive relationships.

Last night I don’t know what happened but something fucking broke inside my head
Now the shit has hit the proverbial fan
Why oh why can’t I be normal?
I guess this is normal for someone like me
I thought I’d suppressed all the painful memories that messed up things in my head
I guess not.
Last night they reared their ugly heads and I fucking went apeshit.
You see
Abusive relationships are predictable
And all I want is to feel safe
If you can tell what is going to happen you can protect yourself
Yeah he might hit you and yell at you and force your legs apart every now and then
But at least you knew it was coming
And you can set your mind on Autopilot
You see
Hung Lo makes me feel safe
But Hung Lo is also unpredictable
Which makes me feel unsafe
In other words he confuses me
And confusion is rather dangerous… or so I’ve learned from experience
So
Even though I knew I shouldn’t
And even though I tried not to
And even though it was stupid
And the worst possible shit to pull
Last night I tried to push him to the limit
And give him power that’s always incredibly dangerous
In the hope that he would use it
Last night I watched myself be fucking stupid
And he taught me something about control
So in other words
I made a fool of myself
And I might have walked out of there covered in the scent of his skin

With a lovebite on my neck to proclaim his ownership of me

And I might have cried myself to sleep
And he probably thinks I’m crazy right now
And I wouldn’t blame him if he did
Because sometimes I think I’m fucking crazy
And sometimes I don’t like to be by myself
Because I’m scared to be alone with myself
Hung Lo confuses the shit out of me
And I don’t like it
Hung Lo makes me feel both safe and unsafe
Safe because I know he won’t hurt me
And unsafe because I don’t know what he will do

or what I’ll be tempted to force him to do

We are friends

But when I’m near him I want something so badly it borders on hunger

Maybe I’ve been running on Autopilot so long
That I expect him to be abusive

Maybe I’m just waiting for it to happen

I couldn’t possibly abuse him
Unless you count using him to use myself
Dear God, please make him kiss me again
Before I unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.



There are 9 comments

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  1. Princessandthepea

    Psychotherapy psychotherapy psychotherapy!

    You CAN heal from abuse and learn to have healthy relationships with men again. It’s possible but it will take deep emotional work over months and years to retrain your subconscious to react differently in these situations.

    Therapy is the only thing that actually works. The alternative is a lifetime of repeated trauma with partner after partner which will probably be passed down to your own children especially your daughters as a legacy. You don’t deserve that and neither do they.

    The sooner you start the inner work, the sooner you’ll be free. Expecting some 20 year old guy you met at college to understand and handle your abuse is crazy thinking. Only trained professionals who understand and work with the nature of the subconscious mind can deal with this.
    Some books to start you of on your healing journey –
    ‘The courage to heal: A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse’ by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

    ‘The sexual healing journey: A guide for survivors of sexual abuse’ by Wendy Maltz

    All the best and God bless you.

  2. Temite

    please darling let yourself be.
    stop psychoanalyzing yourself.

    you are not crazy…you are playing crazy.

    not all men will do something bad to you…get over that. you are powerful. you are not some wilting flower who would allow such nonsense.

    now breathe and just be…no need for drama…if you want to kiss him…kiss him…if he doesnt want…im sure he will tell you…and i promise you, that there will be another boy would would think of your kiss as the best gift there is.

    gosh…im so sleepy….must go to bed now…but i wanted to give you a massive bobbie hug.

    please honey, let yourself be. 🙂 life happens and then we get on with it. gorrit!

  3. wannabewriter

    Hey Girl, take it easy!….I will suggest God but you might think that is old fashioned but i promise you he is the only thing that actually works….he heals broken hearts and mends them, i know because i have been there!…Get close to God and also someone that can help. You deserve love and respect from yourself and people around you…wow my heart is sore by your post girl

  4. leggy

    you’ll be fine.with time..you’ll be fine and i know this post is supposed to be sober and all but i would so love to hear how you got the love bite.
    dont worry dear, you’ll be fine.

  5. Sting

    I read ur post. I want to say something that would actually be helpful to you, but i honestly don’t know what to say.

    I think u need professional help. Since you are still a student, most schools have free counseling for students. Take advantage of it so u can sort through your feelings and not continue to let your past interfere with your present and future.

  6. Sugarking

    My dear abeg take it easy o, what is all this one na ehn? If u want him to kiss u, ask him to. if u also want him to beat u, (sounds like a fantasy sef) ask him to. Don’t destroy yourself over a boy abeg.

  7. LucidLilith

    You are saying quite a lot and leaving quite a lot out. As you have been advised, seek out counseling if not for this relationship, for all your future relationships. I always say, we tend to do the same shit over and over again and expect different results. Don’t get caught in that web. You are smart, no, brilliant young woman. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t start to fuck up now by ignoring these issues.


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