Night Clouds

I just found out I have a 14 year old sister.  My father lists her as his first child.

I’m 21.

I feel betrayed.

He abandoned me. For 18 maybe 19 years. Not a word. Nothing. And I dealt with it. I can fucking deal. I’m still fucking dealing. Next year will make it twenty years since the night he drove away into the darkness without a look back at the little girl peering at him through the window begging him silently to turn around.

And I fucking dealt.

I never said I needed anything. I never said I wanted anything. Or maybe I lied. Maybe I just needed you to protect me when noone else could and you weren’t fucking there. You were too busy protecting someone else while your child was molested and abused and beaten and raped and bullied and forced to choke on her pain until it made her numb.

I never said I wanted anything. Every time I went back to someone like Bakura… it was because I was looking for something I knew I was never going to find. And I knew I would never find it where I was looking because I already knew where it was. I knew where you fucking were even if I didn’t know where. You were reading bedtime stories to this ten year old bitch while your seventeen year old bastard was being burned with the lit end of a blunt and forced to her knees. You were driving her to school while I was walking from Asokoro to Maitama at three in the morning barefoot because Bakura got drunk again and forgot me somewhere. I think I stayed with Bakura so long because he reminded me of you. Or of what you were supposed to be. He was big and he was strong and he had the power to protect me. But instead of keeping me safe he shackled me to him and destroyed me. He always ALWAYS forgot about me. Just like you’ve done for the last nineteen years. Forgotten that I exist. Forgotten that I’m your child. Forgotten my name, my face, my voice, my soul.

You must be her hero Daddy dearest. Tell me, did you swoop in and save the day when it seemed like everything was about to go wrong? Did you help her with her homework? Did you kiss scraped knees or sleep in her bed because she was too scared of the dark to sleep alone or was that just me?

Did you fight her battles for her? Did you fight her fears away? Because you never did that for me. And maybe someone will say that I sound fucking jealous but you don’t know SHIT about pain. Take it from me you motherfucking bastard sonofabitch because I know about pain and you haven’t even tasted it yet. I know because every day I had to put on my armour and go out and get killed. Every single day. This girl has never had a champion. I have never had a fucking hero. Never. No matter how desperate it got. Not even if I was on the brink of fucking death would anybody step in and say ‘I’ll save you’. I never said I wanted anyone to do it, but it was supposed to be you.

It was supposed to be you

And you failed me.

You failed me because in your world I don’t exist. You replaced me with someone else and hoped that noone would notice you were stretching her to fill a seven year gap. It’s a strange feeling. To know that there is somewhere in the world that I actually don’t exist. And yet I exist here in this space and it’s fucking killing me.

I’m so glad I don’t look like you because if I did, I’d hack my fucking face off. I can’t wait to be free of the burden of your name. I got a new passport last year and I would have had them erase your name but I’ve got other documents that have it on them and I just need to wait for everything to be renewed so I can erase your memory from my patch of the Earth.

I think the saddest thing is that I was never one of those people that wondered where their father was. I knew EXACTLY where you were you piece of shit. And I knew because there was no way for me not to know. Your BROTHER is married to my mother’s fucking COUSIN. You’re practically best friends with my godmother. How the FUCK did you expect me not to know that you’ve spent my entire life tiptoeing around me and hoping that I wouldn’t find out??

Fuck you.

Fuck your perfect little family that doesn’t include me. And fuck every little bastard you had her spit out of her pussy to replace me.

You died in my eyes a long time ago. From time to time I used to wonder if I would care if you died. I used to wonder if you ever thought about me or if I died if you would hurt.

I don’t want to know the answer anymore.

Thank you for ensuring that I would be totally messed up inside. Thank you for years of being called a bastard in school and years of being laughed at by holier-than-thou shitpricks whose parents were still together. Thank you for completely erasing me from the face of the Earth, and for scrubbing your family history clean of the stain of your illegitimate child.

Thank you for not being there when the world was shattering around me and I was spinning out of control because I was overdosing on fear, adrenaline, and Never.

For years I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid. Because I was desperately lonely. Because I didn’t belong anywhere and I didn’t belong to anyone. And so when they called I came. Bakura and his men. I went because there was nothing better and nothing left to feel. And they did everything that could possibly be done to me and you weren’t there. You weren’t there to stop them. You never said enough. You never cared. You probably don’t even know if I’m still alive.

My 14 year old replacement apparently just wrote a book. Congratulations darling. Hey Daddy, wonderful job you’ve done of supporting her dreams and pulling strings to help your little angel fulfill her potential.

I’m nobody’s angel.

I feel like shit.

What’s new? I’ve been feeling like shit for as long as I can remember. I’ve been one step away from fucking overdosing for as long as I can remember.

Last night Hung Lo and I had another fight. I wouldn’t leave his room because I wanted to sleep in his bed and he literally had to push me out into the corridor. I didn’t mean to make him angry but how the hell do you explain that at 21 you still have nightmares bad enough to cause insomnia almost every single night? How do I explain to him that I’m still terrified of the monsters in my dreams only that the monsters I see when I close my eyes aren’t monsters at all but people I know and the horrible things that they do to me in the dark really happened once upon a time? Why the fuck would I ever say that to Hung Lo? He’d kick me out all the faster if I told him that right now his bed is the only place where I feel safe, lying in the dark with his arms around me.

Hung Lo always comes to see me at work. He didn’t come today. I guess he’s still angry. Once again I ruined his night because I’m still fucking overcompensating. Overcompensating for forcing myself to feel nothing in spite of everything and now that I’ve finally allowed myself to feel with him, it’s too much. I’m a fucking drug addict only I get high on the smell of his skin.

Dear Daddy, I fucking hate you, you piece of shit. Today I stopped being unsure. As long as you live if I can I will destroy you, and when you die, I promise I’ll visit.

I’ll dance a jig and spit on your grave.

And maybe I’ll dig you up and leave you out for birds to pick at for good measure

Love,

The daughter that never was

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday ( I know it was last Monday)


There are 36 comments

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  1. iphyigbogurl

    I can’t imagine your pain right now,

    and I can’t say it will be fine and I understand (like most people say when others are going through something similar to this)

    but, remember that NOBODY is responsible for your happiness and well being unless you want them to..

    protect yourself from this pain and anger that seems to be taking over you…

    its time to let go, and live

    open a new page, a new slate…. its hard..but you CAN do it

    you don’t deserve this, no one does…
    but life can be like that..

    once again.
    Let go and live!!

    *hugs*

  2. Fuchsia

    Forget them. The ones who say they are fathers. They don;t know anything. They don’t know what they’ve been leaving in their wake. And you know something they don;t care. So why should you? Don;t let them win. Be happy and beautiful and successful and they will regret it. They will start to care and they will want to claim you. But by then you won’t Its all a matter of time honey you’ll see. 20years is enought time to waste on someone who isn;t worth it. Time to lick your wounds clean and find a way to be happy cuz they don’t care. Fix yourself.

  3. NakedSha

    Please, protect yourself as much as you can…

    This is straight from a raw, painful heart…Only you know so only you can protect yourself…

    You are in my prayers!

  4. onosetale(damsel)

    I can actually relate to what ur going through with ur father. My father was never there either.All I ever got from him was abuse, or put downs… Every school function, sporting event, school dance it was always my mother that was there. I cant even imagine the pain ur going through from all the yrs of abuse. I sincerely hope & pray you get through this. Please try to cheer up, see the good things that are going on in ur life, because life is too short, a 15 yr old boy i knew just died yesterday…no one expected that. So live your life the best way you know how…let the anger go, because revenge is not yours to seek. Every single person walking the earth has to answer to Him on judgement day

  5. Black Knight

    Live and let go kid, this is too much pain for a twenty one year old. Stop looking for daddy ’cause you wouldn’t find him not in this life anyways.Daddies always leave, mine left unwillingly. Let go.

  6. The experiences of an achiever.......

    Wow!! sugabelly, your intense feelings and pain are very evident in this piece. Are you still in therapy? how’s that going?
    I want you to try to find happiness in yourself, not dependent on any person. Just you and happiness and then forgiveness (self). You are in my prayers. P.S- I am hugging and kissing your cheek because in the end everything is going to be alright. Love is great, but NO ONE needs to validate you for you too be worthwhile!

  7. Naijalines

    I understand that this is very painful. I have some sort of indirect experience of it through a loved one, and I have an inkling of the pain and rejection. That person has worked on themselves and continues to do so, and so have you from the posts you put up here.

    You should be proud of what you have achieved in spite of his absence. You are a beautiful person in spite of his spite.

    You deserve to be anger-free and happy. You can confidently face your future knowing that you have what it takes to leave your past behind. What you want and need is within you. Don’t you ever forget that.

  8. Trésor

    hey Sugabelly, this is probably the first time I am commenting on your blog and I wonder why since… well, I feel ya.
    First of all, know that having a Dad doesn’t mean you have an automatic hero or that the boogey man won’t get ya.
    Two, this may sound cliched and it sounded like that to me all the while my mommy was telling me but- have you tried God? The question may sound cliched but the love of God is definitely not dated. It is the realest relationship and most fulfilling you can ever have with any being.
    HE definitely would save you from the bogeyman.
    Three: I KNOW who your dad is!
    Sad, but you need to get rid of the hate because Hatred rots your inside and also forgiveness does more for the forgiver than the forgiven.
    All that said, I hope to do more commenting here bcos like I said, I feel u, girl!

  9. LucidLilith

    Let go.
    And get some therapy.
    Life’s too short for anyone to be in this much much pain.

    AND

    Forget HL. You aint ready to be in a relationship. You have not healed yet.

  10. Tega

    Hey Sugabelly…you need to take it easy….this man has lived his life…Don’t let him rule yours…easir said than done but hey…you gotta try

    Sorry about Bakura and take it easy with Hung Lo eh…

    Lots and lots of e-huugs

  11. Mamuje

    Lucidlilith couldnt be more accurate. Get some professional help, it could help you deal and manage the pain. You have to let go else the hurt will consume you. And yeah, forget HungLo…. he aint good for you.

  12. All4Naija

    I know people here would say am tough but, life is a reality that you must accept with equanimity. On the other hand she’s just another human being you have to accept into your life,PERIOD.You are educated enough to know this Sugabelly(life is all about we living for a while and you have to live by intelligence). Don’t mind me, whatsoever is worth discussing about is worth finding meaning to.I think you need to take heart and love here just as your blood.

    There is something I don’t admire about your writing these day, that’s the word FUCKING.It’s doesn’t auger well for we Nigerians to see literary work with such colloquialism.Anyway, it’s your blog and i think am a brother who just sighted that.

    On the final note, remain pretty as you are!Love.

  13. Brilliantly Me

    Like Lucid said, you need to get some therapy…that kind of pain and anger is way too much for someone to hold in. Trust me, it helps.

    As per All4Naija’s comment about the word ‘fucking’….FUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKING.

    Let the girl FUCKING vent!!

  14. Blowing Blessings Your Way

    Sugabelly, I’m really sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going thru…but I pray that someday soon you’ll be able to let go of the past, forgive all those that have hurt you, and embrace the future, because your future doesn’t have to depend on your past.

    You’re a beautiful girl, you’re intelligent and talented…by God’s grace you’ll be healed from all the pain…take care sweetie!

  15. Obi-talker

    Suga belly, I pray that you will find Jesus and he will take away all your pains. I have prayed for you before and I will do it again, and am not just saying this because I have to leave a comment on this blog, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Pls no matter what happens to you always remember that you have people out there who love you. Pls take it esay. I would have written longer but I have to return to work now.

  16. lahlah

    sugabee, from reading your other post, sounds like you’re better, like you my “father” is MIA but calls once in a while to check on us and conveniently mention a new deal he’s into and might need funds for kmt. Look at it this way, at least you have your mother, some people are orphans, or even the ones that have test tubes for daddies. And about the 14 year old, can anyone create such masterpieces like you? maybe the girl even fails at stick figures. Bottom line, you are responsible for your own happiness, not anyone else. hope things work out dear

  17. The Girl with the Red Hair

    Girl, you just voice what i wished I could say to my father, wish I could him, as much as you hate yours…I never allow hatred to come to me, because it is such a waste of my emotions. tears were streaming as i read this…you just have to get yourself out of that dark place, that way He would never win.

  18. skinnichic

    remember what i used to tell you back in high school…God loves you, I love you and you are a much more wonderful and special person than you give yourself credit for. He’s in your past and despite all odds you’ve grown into a lovely woman, yes you made your mistakes but keep on looking forward and forget them.

  19. idomagirl

    this is my second visit to your blog and my my first time to comment…
    i always see you on bellanaija…lol..

    i can’t pretend and lie to you and say i understand what you are going through, because i hvnt been through what you have been through. however i have experienced my own share of pain and what i know for sure is that only God can heal you. He alone can take away the pain, the anger, the depression everything.you may wonder where God was all along when you were being hurt,i wish i can give you a satisfactory answer, but i do know that the greater the destiny, the bigger and more painful the trials.

    did you know that Paula White was raped as a child and her dad commited suicide when she was really young.

    joyce meyer was abused by her own father when she was as young as 9.

    Pastor Donnie Mclurkin was sexually abused by his uncle when he was young..

    i don’t mean to write an epistle, but these individual’s lives show the healing power of God’s love. please don’t spend your life angry with your dad, even though he deserves it, all that anger will destroy you.
    God loves you. Jesus loves you.

    i don’t know you, but i will pray for you. May God’s peace be with you! Shalom!

    p.s listen to Kirk Franklin’s ‘Imagine Me’…

  20. Nutty J.

    wow!! deep stuff.

    Let go okay…that’s the best way to move ahead…cos right now, ur dad is somewhere living his life with the ‘fucking bitch'(ur word) and having a swell time…while you are here having a bad time…

    Let it go, let him go now…so u dont have to blame him for every bad thing in the future. Its hard…but Jesus helps

  21. Anyaposh

    SugaB that is way too many negative emotions bottled up in one tiny person. You need to go for talk to someone & get help quick. If not you’ll keep looking for the wrong kind of relationships with the wrongest kind of men. Let go of all that negative energy. Honestly, it’s not good for anything.

  22. Anonymous

    I just want to put my arms around you, hold you, wipe away the pain, tears and sorrow, sing a soft lullaby to you and make you well and happy…
    I was mad at you about 2 years ago when you wrote rude things about mixed race women on magazine covers etc etc and really hated you then.
    If only you know how deep the pain can also be for us, rejection rejection rejection, always wanting to be accepted, loved and smiled at.I am soooooooooooooo tired of always smiling, being extra nice, kind, caring, overcompensating for not being dark brown so that people will like me and not say I am proud and full of myself, I am so not that at all, just lonely and weepy..I guess we all have our own pain. I just want you to know that I think you are beautiful, so very very talented and most of all you are a survivor. You dad has lost so very much. I am terribly sad for him. You must be happy, you must forget the idiot that he is, you must find stategies that work ffor you to enable you do this, but must of all you need to pray….THE POWER OF PRAYER IS UNBELIEVABLE. Ask God to help you, He will, and then you must wipe away the tears and become such an outstandingly successful woman that he will cry in regret. Let him look at you from a distance and feel what you feel now, success is the best revenge.You can do it, you are marvellous, an original, and I admire you. Please pray and know that i shall be praying for you too.

  23. Stacy

    Hey. I know these posts are quite old but then, sweetheart, can’t you see you are a goddamn champion? All these horrible horrible things that’ve been done to you and you’re still here, standing tall. Bakura or whoever he is YOUR PAST.. daddy dearest as well.. because the greatest revenge you could ever give is being happy. Happy without them. Happy despite all the shit they done to you. I cry almost every night. I tell nobody. Nobody knows. I don’t care them to know. But Jesus loves me & when I cry, I know he’s even sadder (if thats a word) and he embraces me. I’ve bee through shit… & I’m still going through it lol. Yes, I lol’d cussss I’m a boss ass bitch (excuse my language 🙂 ) I laugh & smile because one day… all these suckers are going to regret all they did to me. You probably think I’m one of those annoying holier than thou. No. I’m not a saint but what I know is I love Jesus & he loves me…& you. He doesn’t judge you or hate you but he loves you & hates when you hurt. That’s what gets me through my day. It’s tough but I’m tougher.. WE ARE TOUGHER. God bless you. You are an inspiration to many. I found peace in your blog, believe it or not. I ♡ you.


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