I just found out I have a 14 year old sister. My father lists her as his first child.
I feel betrayed.
He abandoned me. For 18 maybe 19 years. Not a word. Nothing. And I dealt with it. I can fucking deal. I’m still fucking dealing. Next year will make it twenty years since the night he drove away into the darkness without a look back at the little girl peering at him through the window begging him silently to turn around.
And I fucking dealt.
I never said I needed anything. I never said I wanted anything. Or maybe I lied. Maybe I just needed you to protect me when noone else could and you weren’t fucking there. You were too busy protecting someone else while your child was molested and abused and beaten and raped and bullied and forced to choke on her pain until it made her numb.
I never said I wanted anything. Every time I went back to someone like Bakura… it was because I was looking for something I knew I was never going to find. And I knew I would never find it where I was looking because I already knew where it was. I knew where you fucking were even if I didn’t know where. You were reading bedtime stories to this ten year old bitch while your seventeen year old bastard was being burned with the lit end of a blunt and forced to her knees. You were driving her to school while I was walking from Asokoro to Maitama at three in the morning barefoot because Bakura got drunk again and forgot me somewhere. I think I stayed with Bakura so long because he reminded me of you. Or of what you were supposed to be. He was big and he was strong and he had the power to protect me. But instead of keeping me safe he shackled me to him and destroyed me. He always ALWAYS forgot about me. Just like you’ve done for the last nineteen years. Forgotten that I exist. Forgotten that I’m your child. Forgotten my name, my face, my voice, my soul.
You must be her hero Daddy dearest. Tell me, did you swoop in and save the day when it seemed like everything was about to go wrong? Did you help her with her homework? Did you kiss scraped knees or sleep in her bed because she was too scared of the dark to sleep alone or was that just me?
Did you fight her battles for her? Did you fight her fears away? Because you never did that for me. And maybe someone will say that I sound fucking jealous but you don’t know SHIT about pain. Take it from me you motherfucking bastard sonofabitch because I know about pain and you haven’t even tasted it yet. I know because every day I had to put on my armour and go out and get killed. Every single day. This girl has never had a champion. I have never had a fucking hero. Never. No matter how desperate it got. Not even if I was on the brink of fucking death would anybody step in and say ‘I’ll save you’. I never said I wanted anyone to do it, but it was supposed to be you.
It was supposed to be you
And you failed me.
You failed me because in your world I don’t exist. You replaced me with someone else and hoped that noone would notice you were stretching her to fill a seven year gap. It’s a strange feeling. To know that there is somewhere in the world that I actually don’t exist. And yet I exist here in this space and it’s fucking killing me.
I’m so glad I don’t look like you because if I did, I’d hack my fucking face off. I can’t wait to be free of the burden of your name. I got a new passport last year and I would have had them erase your name but I’ve got other documents that have it on them and I just need to wait for everything to be renewed so I can erase your memory from my patch of the Earth.
I think the saddest thing is that I was never one of those people that wondered where their father was. I knew EXACTLY where you were you piece of shit. And I knew because there was no way for me not to know. Your BROTHER is married to my mother’s fucking COUSIN. You’re practically best friends with my godmother. How the FUCK did you expect me not to know that you’ve spent my entire life tiptoeing around me and hoping that I wouldn’t find out??
Fuck your perfect little family that doesn’t include me. And fuck every little bastard you had her spit out of her pussy to replace me.
You died in my eyes a long time ago. From time to time I used to wonder if I would care if you died. I used to wonder if you ever thought about me or if I died if you would hurt.
I don’t want to know the answer anymore.
Thank you for ensuring that I would be totally messed up inside. Thank you for years of being called a bastard in school and years of being laughed at by holier-than-thou shitpricks whose parents were still together. Thank you for completely erasing me from the face of the Earth, and for scrubbing your family history clean of the stain of your illegitimate child.
Thank you for not being there when the world was shattering around me and I was spinning out of control because I was overdosing on fear, adrenaline, and Never.
For years I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid. Because I was desperately lonely. Because I didn’t belong anywhere and I didn’t belong to anyone. And so when they called I came. Bakura and his men. I went because there was nothing better and nothing left to feel. And they did everything that could possibly be done to me and you weren’t there. You weren’t there to stop them. You never said enough. You never cared. You probably don’t even know if I’m still alive.
My 14 year old replacement apparently just wrote a book. Congratulations darling. Hey Daddy, wonderful job you’ve done of supporting her dreams and pulling strings to help your little angel fulfill her potential.
I’m nobody’s angel.
I feel like shit.
What’s new? I’ve been feeling like shit for as long as I can remember. I’ve been one step away from fucking overdosing for as long as I can remember.
Last night Hung Lo and I had another fight. I wouldn’t leave his room because I wanted to sleep in his bed and he literally had to push me out into the corridor. I didn’t mean to make him angry but how the hell do you explain that at 21 you still have nightmares bad enough to cause insomnia almost every single night? How do I explain to him that I’m still terrified of the monsters in my dreams only that the monsters I see when I close my eyes aren’t monsters at all but people I know and the horrible things that they do to me in the dark really happened once upon a time? Why the fuck would I ever say that to Hung Lo? He’d kick me out all the faster if I told him that right now his bed is the only place where I feel safe, lying in the dark with his arms around me.
Hung Lo always comes to see me at work. He didn’t come today. I guess he’s still angry. Once again I ruined his night because I’m still fucking overcompensating. Overcompensating for forcing myself to feel nothing in spite of everything and now that I’ve finally allowed myself to feel with him, it’s too much. I’m a fucking drug addict only I get high on the smell of his skin.
Dear Daddy, I fucking hate you, you piece of shit. Today I stopped being unsure. As long as you live if I can I will destroy you, and when you die, I promise I’ll visit.
I’ll dance a jig and spit on your grave.
And maybe I’ll dig you up and leave you out for birds to pick at for good measure
The daughter that never was