HL and I had another fight.
But we made up.
I think… I’m beginning to understand what I want.
I want affection. And with HL I’ve been substituting sex for affection. It’s not the same thing.
I’ve done it with everyone I’ve ever been with (used sex as a stand-in for affection) because in the past, it was the only way I could get affection.
With HL, I already had his affection but I couldn’t see it. Like Nosa said, I wouldn’t recognize it if it was written on a billboard on his head and if he smacked me in the face with it.
HL keeps forgiving my transgressions but everyone must have their limit right?
Last night I actually cried in front of him. Usually I wait till he’s out of sight and earshot before dissolving into tears but last night he apologised (for something I did) and I went to his room to tell him in person that it wasn’t his fault and I was sorry.
Maybe I couldn’t believe he liked me and so I kept trying to force him to show me the hate I was convinced he held for me.
He doesn’t hate me. I know that now but I’ve still fucked things up royally.
I keep using sex to ask for forgiveness… and HL forgives my transgressions…but like he said last night.. he would forgive me anyway… even if I didn’t ask.
I’m not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.
I’m still trying to break up with myself.
I want to be with HL but how am I going to protect him from myself?
HL does not require peace offerings from me or a heart beating wildly with fear.
I started eating again… so I could stop.
He doesn’t know.. but I can’t let him find out. I’ll get this under control somehow….