Last night

HL and I had another fight.

But we made up.

I think… I’m beginning to understand what I want.

I want affection. And with HL I’ve been substituting sex for affection. It’s not the same thing.

I’ve done it with everyone I’ve ever been with (used sex as a stand-in for affection) because in the past, it was the only way I could get affection.

With HL, I already had his affection but I couldn’t see it. Like Nosa said, I wouldn’t recognize it if it was written on a  billboard on his head and if he smacked me in the face with it.

HL keeps forgiving my transgressions but everyone must have their limit right?

Last night I actually cried in front of him. Usually I wait till he’s out of sight and earshot before dissolving into tears but last night he apologised (for something I did) and I went to his room to tell him in person that it wasn’t his fault and I was sorry. 

Maybe I couldn’t believe he liked me and so I kept trying to force him to show me the hate I was convinced he held for me.

He doesn’t hate me. I know that now but I’ve still fucked things up royally.

I keep using sex to ask for forgiveness… and HL forgives my transgressions…but like he said last night.. he would forgive me anyway… even if I didn’t ask.

I’m not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

I’m still trying to break up with myself.

I want to be with HL but how am I going to protect him from myself?

when the sun shines we’ll shine together
told you I’ll be here forever
said I’ll always be your friend
took an oath, i’mma stick it out to the end
now that it’s raining more than ever
know that we’ll still have each other
you can stand under my umbrella
HL will let me stand under his umbrella… but not the way I want. We are friends.. yes… but the other feelings between us are unpredictable.
I have to get my addictions under control and stop substituting one for another. Sex or food. Food or sex. I’ve started eating again because I needed to stop creeping into his bed in the dead of the night. HL is not Bakura. They are like Night and Day. Doing the same thing with both of them doesn’t produce the same results.

HL does not require peace offerings from me or a heart beating wildly with fear.

I started eating again… so I could stop.

He doesn’t know.. but I can’t let him find out. I’ll get this under control somehow….

There are 10 comments

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  1. leggy

    first of all, stop eating.
    go grad a bunch of little fruits, those are much filling if you actually need to eat.
    and you are right, you seriously are not in anyway ready to be in a relationship.

    p.s:ive been reading up on your stuff nigerians hate/love, i love that contributor nosa, his posts always makes me laugh.

  2. Berean Girl

    Yup, I agree that you shouldn’t be in a relationship just yet. Take time out to fall in love with yourself. Talk to God and/or someone you love dearly. I really pray you overcome this, my heart goes out to you. It won’t happen overnight but one day at a time. Besides, I think you’re a fantastic artist.

  3. Tega

    I think it’s more like fall out of hate with yourself…You are a good person and somehow you won’t heal if you don’t let yourself

    I don’t really believe in all these therapists and things but girl you have got to realize you are a beautiful,intelligent worthy woman. Believe and live it.

    Wishing you the best.

  4. Fuchsia

    Don’t over think things. I mean its good that you are figuring things out and in order to do that you have to think.. but don’t over think things. I get you mehn… always tryna make sure there’s no sequel to the bad movie you were in. But when you are with him just be there with him. don’t try and figure anything out. Just focus on what you are looking at at that moment. You’re right he does have a limit.

  5. 2cute4u

    You gotta love your self first..
    That’s he problem I see here..
    What’s with the complex or the emptiness my dear?
    Take it easy please..
    Like leggy said.. stop eating please,don’t put all your hard work to lose o waste


    yup. a relationship at this point might not be the healthiest thing or you, dear.

    You have to get control of your impulses maybe by using a better coping mechanism. Eat your favorite fruit instead of other things or draw whenever you are compelled to do something you might otherwise regret.

    Whatever the case, your goal is to make yourself the best possible You you can be. You are on your way there. It will be tough but you can definitely do it.


  7. doll

    i think you should get out of that relationship, you need time to heal from whatever,you have to identify that first..

    The luv yourself so that someone can luv you..

    Ad you can love yourself by making a list of the good you see in yourself, and reading it at least once a day, spend time with yourself, do things you luv, and stuff, just find a way to make your happiness depend on you alone

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