Pre-Finals Mashup

I probably should not be blogging tonight of all nights but I feel like I have to get it out of my system. In case anyone was wondering I have not abandoned my blog, I have just been really busy and very exhausted. Part of that business has been school work, and the other part of it has been Nigerian Fiction (which frankly is turning out to be a handful – who knew running a writing community would be so much work?)

My Calculus final is at 8am tomorrow morning so I’m going to be studying all night. I have three finals in all having already written one and had the luck of professors in other classes deciding against giving me finals. Considering how taxing this term has been for me if I had more than three finals I would totally freak out.

So, what else has been going on? I spoke to Japanese Boy last night!!!! I was at work minding my business and Hung Lo (abi that’s what we decided to call him?) came over and asked if I could help him fix something on his computer (I fix computers) and I went over and took care of it and came back to my desk and after a while he came over and sat down across from me and we started chatting about all sorts of stuff – work, me , him, Japan, Nigeria, America, piercings (he doesn’t like them), tattoos (he wants to get one), and loads of other stuff. We ended up looking at pictures of Loyola together and comparing and contrasting Japanese high schools and teachers with Nigerian boarding schools and teachers.

I mean yeah, I was listening to him all the time and stuff but I couldn’t help staring at his lips and marveling at how large/puffy/pillowy and soft-looking they are. Like I told Mellowyel last night, I didn’t think Japanese were lippy people, but apparently I’ve found one. He was really easy to talk to and we ended up laughing a lot. I had such a great time talking to him but we ended up having to cut it short because he had to go smoke. (EVERY Japanese person here is like a serious chain smoker…. like seriously yo). He was really nice but I don’t think there was any chemistry between us. I’ve been using a dating app (you can visit here to check it out) and I think that’s the best way to find love. Plus, dating apps are super fun!

Does it make me a hypocrite that I hate smoking but every guy I have ever dated or been with (school excluded) has been a smoker (although I always insisted they smoke out of my sight) and I think the residual smell of smoke on a guy’s skin and taste of smoke on a guy’s breath is incredibly sexy? In my defense, there has been loads of research done about how a person’s smell makes them more attractive and companies like True Pheromones have even made perfumes based on these findings.

Yeah, I am TOTALLY a hypocrite. So that aside, earlier in the week Nigerian Fiction hit 100 members!!! I know everyone already knows this, I just like saying it. =D Back to Japanese Boy a.k.a. Hung Lo. I was expressing my reservations about interracial dating to Mellowyel who thought I was overreacting due to a very bad experience I had with my first attempt at interracial dating. Basically, I really like Hung Lo, but I’ve decided I’m never going to tell him or go for it because inside I feel like there’s no way he’d ever like me like that.

Aside from the fact that it is as of yet unconfirmed whether or not Hung Lo has a girlfriend (I didn’t want to come out and ask him – that would be totally stalkerish) but the other elephant in the room is the well known Japanese propensity to be racist towards black people or Africans and adore or suck up to white people. In other words, the way I feel inside about the whole situation is this: I feel like if I was white then maybe Hung Lo wouldn’t have any reservations about dating me or at least he would be open to dating me, but I feel like because I’m black the idea of dating me might be repulsive to him and I don’t want to find out by telling him how I feel because I cannot deal with that kind of rejection FOR THAT REASON again. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be myself or that he could never like me because of who I am. When it comes to dating, If you feel like you always need to be on your game or can’t be yourself, this is a pretty big red flag that you aren’t with the person you should be with. The right partner, that love of your life, will embrace you for all of your qualities and flaws. No one, and we mean absolutely no one, can be on their game 100% of the time, We all have good days and bad days, and our partners will know that and expect nothing different. I want that from my next partner and I just worry that I wouldn’t get that from Hung Lo.

There are a lot of Japanese people at my school and they all know each other like really really well and I feel like even if he might secretly like me he might be worried/afraid of what the other Japanese kids will think of him and Japanese people are very collectivist and don’t like to take actions that make them stand out against the group so there’s a low chance that he will just say “F*** it!” and take the plunge with me. As an old Japanese proverb says “The nail that sticks out will be hammered down.”

Now I know it sounds like I’m paranoid but really I’m not. I probably wouldn’t feel like this if I hadn’t already experienced it first hand. Basically a few years ago, after Bakura and I had broken up (for the nth time – and this time it seemed like it was really over …. for the nth time), I had a huge crush on a guy. We were friends and I liked him, and he liked me too and everything was great. His name was Georgia (yes, I know) and I really really liked him and I finally worked up the courage to tell him and for a little while things were a little awkward and then he said he liked me too and we started seeing each other and after a couple of months, we had sex for the first time.

How and why is this story relevant? You’ll see. The first time you do it with your boyfriend is nerve wracking enough yes? Well it was worse. It wasn’t that it was bad. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was Georgia couldn’t get over the contrast of our bodies lying against each other. It freaked him out. And to make matters worse, I was really really shy because I really really liked him and he went and shattered my confidence by saying “Your nipples are brown” like having brown nipples is some kind of disease. It wasn’t just that he said it and pointed out all these things, but it was how he said it. He made me feel like a freak of nature because I looked different from him and because among other things… my nipples were brown.

Where I come from, EVERYONE’s nipples are brown, but in that instant he made me feel like perhaps I was some sort of abomination that had been spat out of the Earth and made forever recognisable to all mankind by my strange brown nipples.

And you know what? Like Mellowyel pointed out, it was quite possible that I was the first black girl he had ever been with. In fact, now that I think about it, I probably was. So I can forgive him his shock about my body. Like I said, I really, really, really liked him and maybe I could have been fine but then he went and said what he said next to me and frankly that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He said that if his friends and family knew that he was dating a black girl let alone ‘an African’ that they would be disgusted and disappointed. Let’s not even talk about the fact that he said ‘an African’ as if Africans aren’t human beings but in fact some kind of object. Let’s not even talk about that. I was heartbroken. I grabbed my clothes and left and I never spoke to him again.

Georgia was white and Hung Lo is Japanese but the same theory applies. Since then I’ve kept my distance from white guys in particular because I just can’t deal with the idea that some of them might think the same way about me that he did. Mellowyel pointed out that I’m unfairly judging a whole a race of men based on the actions of one and I get that and I’m not saying that all white guys are like that but at the same time, I also know that most of them treat me like I’m not even there or like I’m part of the wall or like they don’t see me or I don’t even register on their radar.

Come to think of it, most non-Black guys treated me the same way. And I’m not even talking about now that I ate one too many Kit-Kats. I’m talking about then when I could still fit into my skinny jeans and other hijink get ups.

I’m not saying that interracial dating is bad or that I won’t do it. I’ve got loads of friends who are into Interracial Dating and some are even married! Plus I’ve had loads of crushes on loads of guys of every race imaginable but I’m just saying that this is my experience with it so far and that’s why I am extra wary of putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable again or being in a position where a guy can just trample all over my existence without a thought. Like I totally could not deal again if another guy ran out of the room because he found out that my nipples are brown and not pink. Like I’m fucking sorry but I think that God or whoever was in charge of initial human design and manufacture knows how to fucking colour coordinate. Pink nipples would not even look good on brown skinned people. But yeah, so maybe I’m totally paranoid about Japanese Boy. I’m just saying.

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  1. Red Rose Princess

    Hmmn..this is riveting!.At least you even had the courage to try with Georgia. I have stuck with Nigerian boys because I am/was too scared of preconceptions of race making me feel insecure. Your friend Mellowyel is right though and I think it is wise that you are being careful not to put yourself out there.Goodluck with the Japanese Hunk 🙂

  2. beautiful

    ahhh girl, i need to go wash ur head in some river or something…how can u like a whitey??? deir skin is yuck yuck yuck like its peeling or something…lol (emmm don’t mind me o, i just have a thing against whites). i don’t even see myself being with one….ewwww… i guess i haven’t helped u in anyway but u can always use the age old advice – Go With Your Heart…..but a white guy, like seriously?????lol

  3. F and M

    LOL!!! Beauriful gal… That “thing” you have against whites is called racism… Me sef get am sometimes men… Like acid reflux, it keeps coming back… But like Mellowyel said, we can’t judge a whole race based on the actions of the few. It makes us just as bad as what we find repugnant.

    Honestly, in an ideal world, I would like to say “Follow your heart” and damn the consequences but “Nipplegate” sounds pretty traumatising… One of my friends told me about a close mate of hers who has a similar experience with a white guy. Well, he was an upper-class Oxford type twat but still; it scarred her.

    Sometimes we should let things be… You guys get along really well so you might want to leave it that way- introducing the “L” word, even the less significant one (lol) may not achieve anything tangible in the end. The cynical child in me… Sorry…

  4. Lady X

    F: It’s prejudice. Not racism. Racism is Prejudice + Power. Black people in America can hate white people all they want but they can’t do shit about it since white people are the majority. Now if white people came to Africa and they were maltreated it would be racism. But then again, look at South Africa.

    SugaB: What color did he think your nipples would be? What an idiot! “An African?” He was seriously “othering” you. So basically you were like an experiment to him? That’s one of the reasons I’m wary of dating someone who isn’t black. I don’t want to be an experiment. But I wouldn’t completely rule it out there are some white people that don’t have their head in their ass. The ones that wont “other” you. I can totally understand your sentiments. But why not see where this whole thing with Japanese Boy is going first? Btw I think Japanese guys are quite hot. Especially the ones with shoulder length hair.

  5. boorish male

    I am actually tired of hearing these stories about how black women have been made feel inferior an treated badly by white men that they are involved in.

    one simple fact is that people are naturally pre-disposed towards finding members of their own race attractive. In many cases dalliances with people are based on stereotypes, curiosity, fetish and a taste for the exotic. the good majority of people do not and cannot see beyond race. There are examples of true interracial love but in my view they are few and far between.

    Like it or not, but in society there exists a hierarchy of race and at the bottom lies the black race and at the very top sits the white race. I have habitually dealt with Nigerian women that have been disrespected and debased by their dalliances outside their race. I am not against interracial relationships, but those embarking upon them should take care.

  6. lahlah

    lol, I like how you just knew I would come up in here and be like “georgia? isn’t that a girl name?” The Georgia himself is too much, ah ah, he just put out there like it was nothing “hey your nipples are brown” girl, you should have told him “hey your dick is pink” or whatever color it was, nonsense. I’m still on the fence about interracial dating, I would not mind dating short term, on the other hand i don’t plan on marrying a white guy. I just can’t see that in my future. they might be nice and all but race does play a role in shaping our identities.

  7. Sugarking

    Wait, why r u calling him “Hung Lo” is that some reference to something I should know???!!!

    Besides have u stopped to think what ur kids’ll look like? (black kid with chinky eyes?)

    Ok stop to think what “our” kids’ll look like….difference dey abi? lol

  8. sugabelly

    @sugarking: LOL!! I’m calling him Hung Lo because I asked everyone to choose a suitable code name for him since Japanese Boy was too obvious and Hung Lo was the best one that was suggested.

    And yes, I’ve stopped to think about what my kids will look like. I don’t think black with chinky eyes is bad.

    Abi monkey no fine but im mama like am.

  9. Chi-Chi

    LOL @brown nipples and not pink
    argh, I can’t even dream of dating a guy from another race
    for some reason I don’t agree with interracial dating.
    Basically, I don’t understand it lol.

  10. eccentricyoruba

    @Sugarking, if you want to see black people with epicanthic folds ( you can just start looking at the Khoisan of Southern Africa.

    @Sugabelly, your future children will most likely look Southeast Asian (ish) just look at the BlAsian kids of the world e.g. Crystal Kay, Amerie, Hines Ward. sorry about your experience with ‘Georgia’, he’s an idiot. i find it’s better to go out with white guys who have had girlfriends of other races previously. i’ve seen many hot Japanese guys but i’ve never actually liked any of them. good luck with your Hung Lo.

  11. Anyaposh

    hahaha! I love you for this one. This post was honest, unpretentious, plain ol’ point-blank. I liked it. I’ve often had the same thoughts about interracial relationships & wondered whether the non-black male will exoticize my humanity because of my brown nipples. I even wonder when I go in for any medical physical examination; whether the non-black doctor will be intrigued by my brown nipple & my thick dark labia?

    I know physical differences are real but what’s the point stating the obvious? I mean really; yes I have brown nipples. And you have a pink penis! Now can we just get over ourselves and make passionate love?!

  12. Tiger in the Year of the Tiger

    Sugabelly, my sister was stalked by a Japanese year in the first year of grad school. He was head-over-heels in love with her, and he was a very wealthy guy. The guy just would not leave her alone. She gave the very same reason you’ve hinted at: race. In fact, she expressly told him “I’m a black African, you’re from Japan, from halfway across the world. If you don’t see a problem with that, others might, including our families”.

    The boy burst into tears and I don’t believe he has ever really recovered from that. In short, this race thing can hurt real bad.

    I really believe, however, that we are put on earth to have fun. I will not advocate marrying a non-African (distinct from non-Black!) as there might be too many cultural barriers to overcome, but dating outside your regular pool is not a bad thing.

    There is another (more selfish reason) I sometimes encourage people to fish in unexplored waters…

    My male (playa) friends told me that (and I quote here): “I will sample toto from every continent by the time I am 30”. In the spirit of feminism, I turned that around and said “I will, if given the chance, and if there is a fortunate confluence of interest and opportunity, sample koboko from every continent”.

    If you like Japanese boy, decide what you want – do you just want a fling or are you looking long term? If you just want a fling/temporary partner, then have some fun with him, knack him die. You’re young. Life is for the living – have fun with him, but be sure you discuss with him first. He will be your first Asian, and you might be his first Black person. Both of you can then check that off your respective lists – he checks Black, you check Asian Koboko. Both of you have fun, enjoy the ride, see where it takes you and eventually move on with your lives.

    End of tori.

    P.S: Warn him ahead of time that your nipples are brown…

  13. Lady Jaye

    In repseonse to Tiger in the Year of the Tiger: Is toto a word in a Nigerian language? It’s a crude word for vagina in Ga (a ghanaian language)…. I just never thought I’d hear it anywhere else.

  14. Ginger

    For me, Inter-racial relationships depend on the people involved. I’ve been in one and I was the one who kept obsessing about color. Cos according to Naija lingua I am a proper “blackie” and that color difference can be quite startling when you least expect to notice it. Just go with the flow Gal. and like Tiger said, warn him 😀

  15. Miss Fizzy

    One of my friends has pink nipples. She’s a yoruba girl a shade or two lighter than me, it was a startling sight and my initial response was “why haven’t you told everyone about this!!!” lol. I thought it was gorgeous. My first boyfriend was white and he it’s possibly the best relationship I had to date. I didn’t feel like an experiment or fetishized.

  16. LucidLilith

    Oh suga…i know how you feel. Your fears are not unjustified. In fact, you are ABSOLUTELY correct about everything you mentioned in your post.

    I am currently dating a white guy. And we will be moving in two months. Let me tell you: IT IS NOT EASY. AT ALL. Dont let anyone tell you that race does not matter and blah blah fucking blah. It does. The two people in the relationship have to set the rule by which the relationship will run on. Rules pertaining to family, friends, and others.

    As for Japanese boy, my suggestion is this- for now, be friends with him. Don’t take the plunge…give your friendship some legs. Let him make the first move. If he does, it means he has decided the consequences of dating you has been considered and seen as worth it. The rest will follow naturally.

  17. Vanity

    omg I totally get the smoking thing, Its like I hate smoking but then kissing a guy who just smoked is like the sexiest thing ever!!

    And interracial dating is problematic. Dated a Hispanic they are a lot more receptive than most and they try their hardest to treat u the same. It was ok but a white guy idk how i feel about that

    • sugabelly

      People are ignorant, and I was the first black girl he had ever been with. Likewise, he was the first (and last) white guy I had ever been with.

      Also, he was from the deep south which as many know is one of the most intensely racist parts of the United States. Lots of white men struggle with the racism that was ingrained in them growing up when they realise they are attracted to black women. In his case, his manifested as his morbid fascination with the colour of my nipples.

  18. Uncle Carlos

    That wasn’t a relationship, he just wanted to have sex and thought a relationship was the best way to go get it. And that subsequently if he showed his disgust towards you, you will eventually get the message and move on, classic man tricks, sucks.

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