The TTEC Assault Case

NOTE: The main point of this post is not so much that people are talking about the argument but that so few people are talking about Nitty Gritty’s comments. Please keep that in mind as you read. I am only angry at one person and it is very clear in the entire post that that one person is Nitty Gritty.

I also get that many people think I say things in a very inflammatory way. I am well aware that this is not necessarily the best way to approach things. For the most part, I will work on my flaws and try my best to be more diplomatic about the things I say in future. That being said, the following post is highly inflammatory so this is a warning.

Since EVERY ONE is doing a post about this, I’ve decided I’ll do a post about it too. Lots of people are going on about the fact that SolomonSydelle’s latest TTEC episode concerning a rape case devolved into an all out war. I was one of the major participants in this war, I admit. But here’s the thing though:

Everyone is talking about how unladylike/uncivilized/terrible etc we were being about the whole thing and I guess if you look at it from the point of view that a blog is like someone’s room and you don’t exactly want to just run in and make a mess then it all makes sense because we really caused some major chaos over there. Plus SolomonSydelle seems to be a generally put-together/organized person so I can see how she might be upset that all of a sudden there was a full scale war going on under her nose.

That being said, I am extremely surprised, and rather annoyed that so many people are focusing on the fact that there was an argument instead of being enraged that rape apologists were being patted on the back.

I make no bones about it; justifying rape is completely unconscionable. I will not do it, I will not support it, and God help you if you do it within my radius because I will call you out on it. I may have apologized to SolomonSydelle for being instrumental in creating a storm on her blog, but I REFUSE to feel guilty/be sad/apologize for anything else. In fact, the only thing I am sorry for is the LOCATION of said storm but I’m perfectly happy with the fact that it happened.

Since everyone is going on about how we need to do better then I’m going to say it too: We need to do better and stop acting like rape is the equivalent of strolling down to the neighbourhood mallam and buying ‘chingum’. I am beyond irritated that everyone is focusing on the fact that there was an argument. Big fat deal. There are huge arguments on Blogville every day. Everyone is forgetting the most important thing in this whole matter: Someone was RAPED!!!

Rape is not a joke. Sting said that SolomonSydelle said that the rape victim read that post and read all our comments, and you know what? For just that fact alone then I am GLAD that I said what I said to Nitty Gritty. I am glad because at least the poor girl who was a victim of such a disgusting man will read my and Waffarian’s comments and see that there is still hope out there and not everyone in Nigeria thinks that women who are raped are to blame for their assault. Thank God I said what I said because can you imagine the amount of psychological trauma that poor girl would have had to endure in addition to whatever else she is feeling right now because of Nitty Gritty’s nonsense?

No seriously, can you imagine being raped and being confused and not knowing what to do and then reaching out and asking for advice only to see some idiot saying in the comments that you enjoyed being raped and it was all your fault? Are you kidding me? Why the hell are you guys making noise about a simple argument when people like Nitty Gritty are allowed to make comments that could potentially mentally scar that girl?

I mean hell, I know I’ve made a lot of half-arsed comments in my fair share of commenting but saying that rape victims enjoy being raped and deserve it is sinking to an all time low. I cannot believe that Nitty Gritty’s comment wasn’t deleted immediately and I find it even more unbelievable that all over Blogville everyone is shaking their heads not at victim-blaming Nitty Gritty (who is a disgrace to women everywhere for saying what she said) but at the breach of decorum in having an argument.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I would estimate that majority of all Nigerian bloggers are women. Are all of you then saying that you’re okay with this? No seriously, answer me. Are you saying that you think the unpleasantness of an argument is more serious than a fellow woman saying that women who are raped have only themselves to blame and probably even enjoyed being raped? Is that what you’re saying because if it is then you have got to be joking.

And let me tell you why women like Nitty Gritty get on my nerves. Women like Nitty Gritty who go around saying such things raise sons that carry within them the latent potential to rape women without conscience. Imagine all your life you grew up hearing your mother saying that rape victims are loose women, and shameless sluts, and they all enjoy it anyway. You won’t think twice about raping a woman then because your mother’s words have already absolved you the man from the crime you’re about to commit by putting all the blame on the woman.

For goodness’ sake and for the love of Coco Pops, I don’t know about you but my baby cousin is seven years old and he’s as cute and sweet as can be, but one day he will grow up. And if, God forbid to high heaven, he should ever as an adult rape a woman and when I confront him about it he opens his mouth and tells me that she deserved it or that she was a slut, God help me but I will take off whatever shoes I am wearing and beat him to within a centimetre of his life.

Rape victim blaming or shaming is something I CANNOT and WILL NEVER tolerate in my life. EVER. It is something done by stupid people that feel holier-than-thou for whatever useless reason. And look at Nitty Gritty after claiming up and down to be a Christian, to turn around and blame a rape victim while absolving the rapist is not only beyond hypocritical and mind-boggling but it is probably the most un-Christian course of action to take.

I may not have the numbers right on this, but somewhere about 80% of all Nigerian women have been sexually molested or assaulted in some way, shape, form, or degree by the time they turn 18. Whether it was by a neighbour, an “uncle”, a houseboy, SOMEBODY. Sexual molestation of young girls is RAMPANT in Nigeria, and MOST OF US know at least ONE person who has suffered it or been affected by it if not ourselves, so I CANNOT BELIEVE that people would just sit back and let Nitty Gritty’s rubbish continue and from the length of the comments, a good number of people did just that. But the comments are locked now so that’s all well and good, but in the aftermath, to focus on the argument and not on Nitty Gritty’s outrageous statements is completely shocking to me.


Absolutely shocking.

And you know what? I am going to say it. Because this is PERSONAL. And not just to me, but to millions of Nigerian girls and women, and SOME OF YOU TOO, whether it’s something that you will ever talk about or not.

In 2007 I was hanging out at Bakura’s house and he and his friends were setting things up to play a Street Fighter tournament. We had gathered food, drinks, everything. Everyone was ready all we had to do was set up the controllers and make the ranking board. I was the only girl there and just as it was about to begin, suddenly the boys decided they wouldn’t let me play because they said that I was a girl and so I probably sucked. I begged and begged to be allowed to play but they wouldn’t let me. Not even my Bakura would stand up for me and in fact he was probably the ring leader of people that didn’t want me messing up their tournament. In the end, I was peeved off and pretty disappointed to I walked off in anger to one of the bedrooms and left everyone in the sitting room playing.

I had been sitting in the room for maybe 15 minutes when a guy walked in. I didn’t even look up because I figured he had just come to grab something. We were in Bakura’s house, it was the middle of the afternoon with the sun blazing outside and bright as day. I had nothing to be worried about. Until he jumped on me.
I’m a big girl. I’m 5ft 11″ and although at the time I weighed 100lbs less than I do now, I was still pretty tall and moderately strong. Being that height didn’t help me one bit. You don’t really know how much stronger the average man is than the average woman until you have to fight off a man who has you in a headlock and is intent on raping you.

I swear I have never been so terrified in my life. I struggled and kicked and screamed and screamed and no one would come. He was choking me and trying to pull off my clothes at the same time and no matter what I did I couldn’t break free. There was one point when he got my jeans and my underwear off that I was convinced he was going to rape me and there was nothing I could do about it and I began to cry and beg. No matter how loudly I screamed no one came. He had his arm around my neck and he managed to drag off my clothes with one hand and then he fingered me. That was probably the most horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life, second only to when the crash happened, and possibly even equally horrifying. I don’t know if it was just the pure horror that washed over me when he touched me or if it was fear or adrenaline or whatever, but I knew I had to get away from him somehow so I stopped struggling and just began to bite him. I bit him on the nose as hard as I could until I felt his skin give way and I bit into the cartilage. I bit his lips, I bit his cheeks, I scratched his eyes, I scored his back, I bit the tip of his ear until the top of it was hanging. I just closed my eyes and bit him and scratched him till I could taste blood and he let go of me and I jabbed my fingers in his eyes and ran out of there half naked.

As horrifying as the whole thing was, nothing hurt me more than when I told Bakura that his cousin had tried to rape me (I later found out who he was) and Bakura defended his cousin and acted as though I was making the whole thing up. Even after everyone there saw the bites and wounds all over his face they all either acted like they didn’t care or like I had tried to seduce his cousin. Basically it was beyond messed up so excuse me if things like this PEEVES ME OFF.

There are few things that feel as horrible as being raped and believe me, I dodged a bullet with that one. Like the TTEC Assault victim, I told no one. When someone asked how I had gotten the bruises and small injuries I had, I lied. I tried to bury everything and I acted like it never happened because I knew that if I had gone to the police they would have called me a slut and done nothing. I didn’t have access to the Steven H. Heisler Law Firm or other legal help like people can have in the USA. I also knew that if I had told anyone else they would have blamed me and said something about ‘girls that move around with boys’ as if having friends that are mostly male or wanting to play Street Fighter is a crime. So I kept my mouth shut and I buried the hurt and the most I did was write about it in my journal and later blog about it in extremely coded terms.

That was a long time ago, but I’ll be damned as anything if I sit by and let anyone do the same thing to someone else. I suppose what I am trying to say is that if you are ever unlucky enough to be assaulted then it is vital that you seek legal support as soon as possible. The criminal justice system includes a wide range of activities from the investigation of a possible crime, to a legal determination of guilt or innocence. That being said, the process of going through the criminal justice system can seem overwhelming at times because there are so many things to consider. However, understanding a few key aspects of the process can take away some of the unknowns and help you feel more prepared. To learn more about the legal processes involved in criminal cases such as assault, take a look at the website for this team of bucks county criminal attorneys.

This is not about being entitled to your own opinion. You might call me a hypocrite right now but I’m here to tell you today that if you think that women who get raped deserve it then your opinion doesn’t mean anything because I will waste on you and drive over you with a steamroller. And if you think that it can’t happen to you then I laugh because guess what? I was sitting in a house in the middle of broad daylight trying unsuccessfully to join a Street Fighter Tournament!! And it almost happened to me so what makes you think it can’t happen to you?

And I just wonder, when it does happen to you would you like to be treated the way Nitty Gritty talked about that girl? Would you like for everyone to act as if what happened to you wasn’t important and tell you that you should stop making noise and causing trouble?

Maybe I’m confused sha, but anybody that thinks or says that rape victims are to blame for their rape or that they enjoyed it, or that they are loose, or shameless, or sluts, or less deserving of respect, or whatever…

Screw you too.

There are 26 comments

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  1. Sting

    I didn’t know i qualified as EVERYONE, but i’ll take it. The main point of that post and something that i have also written on this blog in the past is that you can state ur opinion without being so antagonistic or whatever more appropriate word. That way the person you are trying to get the point to will be able to listen to you and you can get ur point across. No one is going to sit and listen to you when they feel like they are being attacked.

    It is very possible that Ms. Nitty Gritty would have been able to see where u and Waffarian was coming from if things were done more amicably. Everything doesn’t have to turn into a war. That’s all i’m saying. I just think there is a more appropriate way to get ur point across. There’s no point arguing if nobody is listening to each other.

  2. sugabelly

    @Sting: The Everyone links to TWO different blogs. “Every” links to Yours and “One” links to Solomonsydelle’s.

    Also, I understand what you were saying in your post. I get that. What I am angry about in this post is that so few people are talking about what Nitty Gritty said as opposed to the fact that there was an argument.

    I also know that everything doesn’t have to turn into war. However, rape is a very sensitive issue, and I feel that Nitty Gritty’s comments should have elicited a much harsher reaction from everybody.

  3. Jaycee

    @Sugabelly…I didn’t get to read the comments on the TTEC post…but from all you’ve written here, I’m so sorry you had to go through this and I understand where your anger is coming from. I am so against rape and I think more women need to say the truth that they’re angry about it. That being said, I also agree with Sting. The way you convey your message is highly important, but then again…you may not really care, right? Caring (and the way you go about it) is subjective anyway.

    Just wanted to comment instead of just reading and by-passing this. Take care…

  4. Lady X

    I don’t care if a girl is walking around with the most revealing outfit. If she gets raped it is still rape. She is not the animal. The guy that rapes her is the animal. It annoys me so much when I see someone telling their story of rape and some IDIOT will come and say ‘Oh it’s cuz you were drunk’ or ‘The clothes you were wearing were revealing’ or something stupid. So what? The fact still remains that the guy is an animal. My question to ladies that spew such comments is ‘Would you say the same to yourself if it happened to you?’ and ‘If your boyfriend told you “I raped a girl but she was drunk” or “her clothes were revealing” would you still date him? Wouldn’t you be afraid?’ And of course to the guys ‘Would you say the same if it were your sister, mother or daughter?’


    SugaBelly I am so sorry for what happened to you. Most of my friends are guys and a lot of times I am the only girl when we go out together. So when I read your story I just couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if something like that happened to me. No one should ever be made to feel unsafe around people that are supposed to be their friends.

  5. F and M

    This is neither a defence nor a condemnation. I think Nitty Gritty’s problem was that she went off on a disgusting tangent about how the girl might have been moaning and all that just to counter Waffarian. It’s that whole Naija thing of “Where you there?” If she stuck to her core argument, things might not have gone so pear-shaped.

    Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I thought her core argument was that people were too quick to jump on the “report to police” bandwagon. Yes, the guy should be reported. He should be shamed out of whatever hole he is hiding in. Bringing in respected relatives or close friends like one of the girls’ brother would have been essential. They would definitely have had a better chance of locating the guy than the girls would. They said themselves that he was ignoring their calls.

    Yet, we need to remember that this is Naija. Reporting to THE POLICE out of all available options would be devastating. Unless you have connections, these people actively enable the criminals at your expense. Trust me. We went through a robbery case where the police actually recovered our valuables but took a cut and facilitated the criminals’ escape. We found this out after it was too late.

    Now, we thank God it wasn’t something as traumatic as rape. Taking the issue to the police would have been the worst thing to do because they will (and I stress WILL, not might) rub her face in it. This is the same Naija that was considering the Indecent dressing ban. The same naija where policemen arrest innocent women going about their business for “dressing immorally”. DNA matter no enter am sef- dem dey check DNA?

    I totally understand that emotions ran high so a lot of the substance of the argument was lost, especially on Nitty Gritty’s part. She went very very off point and not in a remotely acceptable way. Yet, I doubt she believes rape victims deserve their fate. She just fell into the horrific trap of point scoring. At least I hope so…

  6. sugabelly

    @F and M: Of course, I completely understand about the police. Reporting rape to the police in Nigeria is a very bad idea and that was precisely the SAME reason why I didn’t tell anyone.

    I do not fault Nitty Gritty for pointing out that reporting to the police would not have worked. However, it is the other stuff she said that really upset me.

  7. mellowyel

    I haven’t read the post in question, and I won’t because I’m not in the mood to get upset. But I agree completely with Sugabelly. In situations like this, if anyone makes a comment that sides with a rapist in any way shape or form, that should be the problem people blog about. If it’s not, that indicates a much larger problem: people are more concerned about decorum and blog etiquette as opposed to blatant sexism and discrimination. Because anyone who accuses a girl of soliciting and enjoying rape from a man is sexist, and simply discriminating against victims.

    *sigh. too much shit is said in public these days. While I believe in free speech, I feel sometimes that it’s useless to state your opinion in the face of so many people who are completely narrowminded and don’t even realize that there is a problem with their comments. Will you even change their minds? Will anyone read and agree with you? what’s the point anymore?

    sorry for the pessimism. it’s just that i’ve read all sorts of shit on the internet lately, and it just gets me down, honestly.

  8. BBB

    to say i am with you 100% is an understatement

    i read nittygritty comment and i tell u it disgusted me also.
    they were uncalled for and highly disgraceful.
    to say that she is a mother what what finally broke the camels back.

    i was ashamed for her
    we are women
    and rape is wrong
    av been in a similar situation
    an di was pretty young so noone can say its my fault, i was about 7years
    our then houseboy
    i dnt like thinking of it
    but theres shame involved
    and even insinuating that the girl enjoyed it makes me want to throw up

  9. sosexy

    Wow wow, wait up..
    This is rape right?
    I read the whole thing.The before and after.
    I’ve been raped okay?And its a topic not everyone can handle.
    Obviously it brought about all this beef.
    Which is totally uncalled for.
    No sides here but you all have digressed from the topic including SOLOMONSYDELLE.
    Y’ll stick to it and forget who said what and to whom,It would only become worse and soon, everyone’s post will be only of this.
    This topic is touchy cause it makes me remember and that includes everyone else whose ever been a victim.
    You all please, don’t make it worse!

  10. doll

    i have always read your blog silently..but maybe i should comment on this..seeing i am a victim too…exactly like BBB’s story only i was 6…and it was our houseboy – the asshole used to force me to suck him and on the day he was caught, he tried putting his dick in me and when i screamed in pain…he asked me to turn so he could have anal sex with me – but for the timely intervention of my brother.. and Thank God for my parents and the way they handled it – they got the police involved and all..

    and i was disgusted at nitty’s comment. However, i believe fighting people like her may not be the solution..they need to be educated and enlightened….maybe they dont know any better…so that next time they are privileged to be involved in a fiasco like this they can give constructive and enlightened advice

  11. Obi-talker

    I was close to tears as I read your post. And though several times you have really annoyed me on this blog (and even almost got into a fight with me once) there is one thing I can tell you. Suga belly, You are a strong woman and may your spirit never die.

    Sometimes we need bloggers like you to write what some of us may never be able to say. I do understand sexual harrasment and have experienced it in a different very negative way and what you say is true about the high percentage of nigerian women who have gone thru this. I thank God that I had the opportunity to recover from mine and this was with the help of my female christian friends a few years back when we were all openly talking about our experiences. I think that monent helped me alot. Rape should never be condoled and though I have not read this blog post by Solomonsydelle, (who happens to be one of my best bloggers, that I really admire and also motivates me as a blogger), all I can say is when it comes to the issue of rape and you get into an arguement with anybody. You should know that as long as I see that post, be rest assured that I hundred percent support what ever you say to them to spite the attacker.

    Such act is totally unacceptable and Nigerians need to drop this stupid traditions that harm our young women and in general ladies around the globe. Our police force need to step up to this rape issue and I pray a strong stand against such brutality does not just end on blogsphere but the word goes out that we as women and as Nigerians and as citizens of teh world stand against this sort of rubbish. I pray the victim in question here will recover though it is hard, I pray she does.

  12. The Girl with the Red Hair

    Rape is rape and reading your near rape incident reminded me of mine. Never told anyone and till today it burns me up. I was scared people who ask me what I went to do in his house. For this I kept my story to myself. Readign your story has given me strength and I guess I would one day be able to talk about it.

    Did not get to read the TTTEC story but I would never condone rape and I think alot of our women need to realise rape is not the girl’s fault and a man who those that is an animal.

  13. LaPenseuse

    I can’t understand why women are expected to be demure and self controlled at all times but men can be animals and its okay. Rape is something all women are scared of. @ Sugabelly – I’m glad you were able to protect yourself from assault! My best-friend got date raped and never did anything about it. Something like that happening to someone so close to me made me so scared, I signed up for self defense classes after that.

    Too many women, especially in Africa are tricked into silence by believing that it was their fault that they were raped. Nobody deserves to be raped, even if they are walking naked on the street.

  14. Azazel

    U must be mad, I was feeling ur post when I heard u say 80% of Nigerian women have been molested in some fashion or the other..
    What kind of half baked survey/poll was that???
    But u are right in every other sense, anybody that justifies rape is wrong 100%..
    Mehn what did I miss on blogsvillee o..

  15. Azazel

    Mogbe sorry sugarbelly for saying that u were mad…
    I honestly thought this was solomon’s blog for some reason lmao..
    Not that I would call solomon mad, but don’t u think u are typin from a lot of emotion right now

  16. F and M

    Knowing the number of people who have had “uncles” and houseboys, you name it, touch them inappropriately and taking into account those still keeping secrets, I don’t think Sugabelly is far off in her estimates o… The number of revelations I have heard out of nowhere… More people have passed through this than we think…

  17. adewealth phebby

    its just still soo sad and hurtful when i hear ppl talk about how rape victims caused it anyways! just not right…if i wear a tank top and poon-poon shorts, u are not a dog!keep it in!!!exercise some self control and yes, we 9jans need to wake up to rape and female assault; wife beaters and the like…its bn accepted in our culture for faaar too long…God help us sha

  18. Lady X

    F is right. The estimate might not be so far fetched. People that have never even hinted at such a thing happening to them come and tell you their stories when they grow older. Which kind of makes you wonder who else has been molested but hasn’t said anything about it.

  19. adaora

    I am really sorry to hear about your experience, and i pray one day you will really and trully be healed.

    i do not in anyway condone rape> whoever rapes should face the punishment to the fullest extent permitted by the law.

    I am one of the few however that believe in talking to our girls…daughters, sisters, wives,
    mothers etc on how to guard oneself. Does that or would that reduce the incident of rape? I really cannot say, but like with everyother thing one does in life you take precautions, so why not with your body> At 18, you should never ever go out and get yourself so drunk you do not realize what is going on around you and with you.

    For heavens sake you will not get into a vehicle with a blind driver will you? No mather how close you are to the so called driver, so why will you trust your body (person) to friends.

    Ladies lets take those precautions. is it garanteed to reduce rape…like i said i do not know, but it sure is worth a try…

    And i am not nitty, and i do not support the way she went about it, but maybe that was the point she wanted to get across.

    Does that mean the girl(VICTIM) brought it on herself? Hell no. does it mean the rapist is guilty. Sure as heaven is real.

    Sugarbelle, it is well, theres one person that can make your pain go away…That is Jesus. Just stay close to him and i can assure you he will give you peace concerning this issue.

  20. Nutty J.

    sugarbelly: Take am easy….have a kit-kat to coolu your temper.

    Okay seriously I understand what you are saying and no one should blame any rape victim for being raped…I am with u on that and wud personally slap the person with a wet fish.

    but cool down now u hear…ur post sounded very angry….I could picture you shouting all that out. so sorry about ur experience…

    GUYS!!! No means No!

  21. ~Sirius~

    I am positive it’s closer to a 90% mark when it comes to girls and any form of molestation in Nigeria.

    “Culture” and “Fear” doesn’t help matters.

    It is a shame.

    Very few people are as bold as you are…….and such men need to be emasculated.

    Rape is Rape. There are no excuses.
    People become judgmental, looking for who to blame.

    sucks big time.

  22. eccentricyoruba

    it is always disheartening to enter conversations about rape and sexual assault in Nigeria. i’m speaking from experience btw. just a few days ago, i found myself in the company of 3 men who were talking about ‘indecent dressing’. i don’t even want to remember the exact details of that conversation right now suffice to say they insulted women who dressed ‘indecently’ and suggested that if anything happened to her it was her fault. *sigh* i wonder how we can change such ways of thinking.

    Sugabelly, my heart goes out to you and i’m sorry for what happened to you. oh and i passed an award onto you on my blog.

  23. zara-myalterego

    i love u sugabelly, what more can i say?
    one of the things i have noticed in blogsville is that rather than take issues head on, we like to sugar coat and trip all around its side, thats why urs is the only blog i still seriously follow.

    may u never shy away from the truth, and may many more of us stop shying away from it.

  24. gazelledusahara

    I am sorry for what you went through and think that your perspective and reaction is spot on.

    As all the other posters have said: No means no!

    unfortunately no society sees things this way.

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