Every Guy I Have Ever Been With

Has been ashamed to hold my hand, to tell his friends he’s with me, to acknowledge our relationship in public. Every term, I tell myself I’m going to get a 4.0. In the end I find myself struggling to scrape by. I study just as hard and harder but nothing seems to work and I’m stupid because I kept hoping that somehow it would be different. Somehow, I hoped desperately that it would be different here, there, anywhere, somehow. It never is different. Once again I’m back where I’ve always been. I should be used to this. I am used to this. It’s fine. I guess. I suppose it only hurts because I dared to hope one more time like the fool I am. If I had just buried all my fucking hopes at least it wouldn’t hurt. I’d still be numb inside.I hate this feeling. I hate wondering if it will ever be okay, wondering if the day will  ever come when I don’t stand here fighting creeping shame… humiliated again. It’s been this way for so long I should be used to it. And yet it pleases my stupid fucked up soul to hope. I guess I hope because deep down inside I desperately want things to be different. Deep down inside I want someone, anyone to just be proud of me for once. Stupid me. Everyone deals with the hand they’ve been dealt. Only God knows what previous shit I’m paying for now. I am such a fucking fraud. Why? Because I’m a loser but deep down inside sometimes when I’m alone staving off the tears from a hollow orgasm that only serves to remind me that I’m choosing to be alone rather than bear the passions of another man that won’t even look at me as he spills into me though the whisper of his name on my lips is as a fervent prayer, I like to let myself dream that maybe someday I could be a winner. Someday. Bullshit. What do I know about winning? I who have been bottom and last and an afterthought in and of everything? I don’t know shit about winning but I do know a whole lot about losing. A whole damn lot. I know failure like I know Bakura’s body. And you know what? Maybe that’s what all my stupid false hope was about. At least I’m fucking good at falling short of everyone’s expectations, even my pretty low ones. Maybe there is hope after all… I fucking win at failing.

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  1. (im)perfect_black ☥☥☥

    Hang in there sis.

    Just continue to do good and do your best. This too will pass. kzs

    “Let me tell young people this – you may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. It may even be necessary to encounter some defeats to know who you are.” Maya Angelou

  2. Jojolewa

    Awwh Dear I imagine how awful you must feel…and I just want to say am sorry and let you know…

    Babes…you are beautiful

    For the people you make happy on here you shine your beauty on us…Take it easy eh


  3. Anyaposh

    aww…SugaB, calculus gave you a lashing?! I hope you learn that this is only a moment and it’ll pass. You will not lose all the time, you will win some; you will win a lot. So just hang in there & you’ll be OK. *cyber bug* 🙂

  4. Sting

    You r awesome Sugabelly. See how much talent u have. You have dinka, started the ndebe project, u r very opinionated and not afraid of voicing your opinions. You r smart and hardworking, come on! Don’t let anyone make u feel bad about urself, pls. I know it’s easy to say but hard to do, but pls try. Abeg.

    If nothing else, i bet your mom is proud to have you as her daughter and u r not a failure.

  5. beautiful

    dnt feel bad….dnt want u to…..u’re too much for dat….u’re highly esteemed…..HE has taken all ur pain and suffering…..just be strong again and never forget that,”after awhile, after awhile, this too shall pass, after awhile, the scars would heal….it won’t hurt u, after awhile…”
    p.s : plus u motivated me to try lose weight again afta i had given up, dat definitely counts for sometin!

  6. miss random

    Sugabelly! How dare you say you win at failing? I take offense at that as I personally think you are fucking talented at nearly everything you give a shot. Look how beautiful you write. How many published authors could hold a torch to your works? Take a look at your drawings. Even you must know that they are nothing short of amazing! Look at your t-shirt line, your Ndebe script, your weightloss so far! Sugabelly you rock! It is okay to feel down sometimes, yes it happens to us all. But for someone as gifted as you are, I think this should not happen too often. Please rock on!

  7. F and M

    I guess I could take a stab at my best possible impression of a motivational speaker… Some quick cliche like “You can be anything you want to be” or “Live your best life now!”… Yet, the truth is no other person can ever truly reach one at the depth of one’s loneliness. People could try, and their efforts are commendable, but they can never fully understand what is going on in another person’s mind.

    My point is that everyone has their moments of darkness. Unfortunately, this is yours. Only you can pull yourself out of it because noone else can truly “get” it (my eloquence astounds me sometimes, lol). It’s all about balance. Someone said that horrible phrase “self esteem” isn’t about loving everything about yourself, but is self-acceptance of the good and less appealing aspects of us. If you can weigh up these two things and come to a balanced conclusion taking into account your triumphs as well as your failures, hopefully you can get through this.

    By the way, “I fucking win at failing” doesn’t count as a balanced conclusion so try again. 🙂

  8. flabby

    I think you’re pretty amazing. And if you call what you do failing, then damn- a loooot of people spend their days failing, because hardly anyone has a fleeting thought and just goes for it. From being a frequent blogger still to your business project on Nigeria. I look to you for inspiration- I sure as hell aint the only person (wait whats with the ghetto speak)- You have 150 followers so loads more people must be looking to you for inspiration as well.

    But we are all entitled to self-pity! my entire blog is based on self- pity!!


  9. L-VII

    Oh! You are by far my favourite blogger. Intelligent, motivated and you see things in a way that most people can’t even dream about.

    We all have our moment(s) where we feel less than,, please make this temporary so that it does not chip away at the ‘amazingness’ that is you.


  10. Just...Toluwa

    its been too long since i been on here! bt y do i come back to this…

    I want Sugabelly back. The one who is wayyyyy confident than this and knows she has and can do more!

    Bring her back.

    Screw anyone who says u aint a winner cos U ARE!

  11. LucidLilith

    Jeez…I have been EXACTLY where you are right not. and I know it may not mean much to you right now but THIS will pass. They always do.

    The guy thing: I cant count how many nights I cried for one guy then another. Now I have the one I have been waiting for.

    The school thing: is not meant to be easy. Just do the best you can. You will be surprised that employers dont care about 4.0 GPAs. They can see smarts others wont see from gpas.

    As for depression. NEver let it take over your life. It is emotionally exhausting. Get out of your dorm and exercise. It is a natural anti-depressant.

    Luv ya lots!

  12. The Misses

    I don’t see u as a failure and like someone stated I’m sure your mother is proud of you. I don’t know what’s been going on in your life but this is a SB that I can’t even recognize. As far as love, it seems as if you love or is in love with someone that may not love you back. It’s ok just move on or perhaps you’ve loved people that haven’t loved you to the same capacity as you’ve loved them.

    One day you will be a winner? No, u are already a winner u came this country to be educated there are many people in your home country that will do just about anything to be where you’re at right now. Most importantly and as far as I can tell you came from a good family, you are alive and well and you are in good health and safe. It also seems as if you are being pressured in some way if so is the pressure coming from others or yourself.

    Perhaps you may want to look at the post below this one and think about how hard you worked to get the grade for this report. It seems like you basically did by yourself. If anyone out there knows SB personally, talk to her. Most of us are strangers in Blogville so we can only do but so much to help one another.

  13. Her Royal Poshness

    ah ahn Sugabelly just when I started loving this place you had to mention Bakura.

    How dare you call yourself a failure after you had no food for God knows how many days and lost that much weight? What about your drawings and your achievement of the highest score in your international homework?

    Did you just put this so that people can remind you how fabulous you are?

    Well you even succeeded at that.

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