This is about sex, and that’s why he’s punishing me. How can you hate me for something you wanted?

Let’s be honest. Namu is built like a god. He’s drop dead gorgeous, and I mean every inch of him, but he’s beautiful, so what? He’s not you. I love you because you are just that. You. I don’t care about Namu and his creepy beauty. I don’t care about whatever proud gifts he might have been ‘endowed’ with. I don’t fucking care.

You are the only thing, the only person I have ever wanted desperately for myself and bloody Namu has nothing to do with it. And look who’s talking about being unfaithful. At least when people cheat they tried to hide it. You did it in front of me. I fucking watched you. I could have reached out and touched you both if I’d wanted to. That’s why I set her on fire. Because you touched her and she was too dumb to realise that I probably wanted to push her out of the car. I should have. I should have just opened the door and shoved her out while we were speeding to Asokoro. I was too fucking numb to say a word, but it hurt. I was crying inside and maybe you thought I was too far gone to care, but I have always, always cared what you do.

I forgave you. You didn’t have to ask for forgiveness, I forgave you.

…and you can’t forgive me. You, whose sins are far worse than and outnumber mine, can’t forgive me the one thing that you wanted when I forgave you all the evil things you ever did.

I could make a list of your bloody transgressions but I’d probably die before I finished. I could make a list of every girl you ever slept with and every girl you ever touched or tried to but I probably will never finish.

I could make a list of every horrid thing you ever said, and every mean thing you ever did, and all the times you tried to make out that you didn’t care just because you knew it would hurt me.

What the fuck did I ever do to you? Like seriously, what? Being with you was just one huge mindfuck. I’m jealous too. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. One girl, and Namu. That’s what you’re holding against me. You’re not even holding the girl against me because you fucking liked it. Because it turned you on. Because to you it totally wasn’t cheating if it was with a girl because you could get off on it later. Oh God, fuck you to high heaven.

I just want to go back.

The last time he fell asleep in my arms he was wearing boxers and a blue t-shirt.

There are 3 comments

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  1. Z

    Um, wow. That was intense. Felt my heart twist a little bit, not gonna lie.

    Set her on fire?? Lol, made me think of “Bring tire, fuel, matches, oh no!”

    Damn, other people in your sexual space is such a recipe for heartbreak yet so hard to resist…

  2. Z

    Well, I had to comment again now that I read the whole story. I apologize for being flippant in the first comment, I didn’t know. Don’t stop blogging, you record your pain exquisitely. You must know that you’re not a whore or a nymphomaniac psychopath. But love doesn’t encourage logical conclusions until the storm has passed and in the meantime, you just hurt and hurt. I’m sorry your love is such a bastard. I’m sorry he’s left, even though he doesn’t deserve you. You’re never alone, and you won’t drown.

    *Fierce hug* Be strong.

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