I need to get away from this. From everything. I may or may not blog for the next few days, we’ll see. He called me a crazy psychopath. When did we get to this? One moment I was his and now I’m a psychopath? What a way to start the term. Today was my first day of classes and I basically cried through every single one of them. Now even my professors probably think I’m fucking crazy. I want to go home. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I don’t remember what it feels like to be happy. The truth is, it feels like I’ve lost a limb. It’s like I keep thinking he’s there and when I turn around he’s not.
I keep calling him. It’s pathetic I know, but I’m so afraid that if I don’t call him and hear him yell at me one more time I’ll lose the memory of his voice forever. I have a hard drive full of pictures of him and I keep looking at them. Now I feel like a psycho. Looking at them makes it worse but I’m afraid of forgetting and I want to forget so badly.
I’m tired of explaining to him that I haven’t been unfaithful. I’m tired of explaining it. In his head I’m a nymphomaniac psychopath and nothing I say or do is going to change that. I wish I could let go of the stupid idea that there’s something I can do to make things right. I fucking wish. Mellowyel thinks he’s just plain evil. I don’t remember how to think.
It’s stupid because every time I imagined my life fifty years from now he was always there. And now he’s not. He’s gone, and I’ll never get him back. I was waiting because I could hope, but he’ll never come for me. I don’t want to be here. I want to go to sleep and not have to wake up. I don’t remember what I dreamed last night but I think it was about him. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I just know I will never love anyone like I love him.
But you sef go die too
Mommy where are you??????