Broken

I need to get away from this. From everything. I may or may not blog for the next few days, we’ll see. He called me a crazy psychopath. When did we get to this? One moment I was his and now I’m a psychopath? What a way to start the term. Today was my first day of classes and I basically cried through every single one of them. Now even my professors probably think I’m fucking crazy. I want to go home. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I don’t remember what it feels like to be happy. The truth is, it feels like I’ve lost a limb. It’s like I keep thinking he’s there and when I turn around he’s not.

I keep calling him. It’s pathetic I know, but I’m so afraid that if I don’t call him and hear him yell at me one more time I’ll lose the memory of his voice forever. I have a hard drive full of pictures of him and I keep looking at them. Now I feel like a psycho. Looking at them makes it worse but I’m afraid of forgetting and I want to forget so badly.

I’m tired of explaining to him that I haven’t been unfaithful. I’m tired of explaining it. In his head I’m a nymphomaniac psychopath and nothing I say or do is going to change that. I wish I could let go of the stupid idea that there’s something I can do to make things right. I fucking wish. Mellowyel thinks he’s just plain evil. I don’t remember how to think.

It’s stupid because every time I imagined my life fifty years from now he was always there. And now he’s not. He’s gone, and I’ll never get him back. I was waiting because I could hope, but he’ll never come for me. I don’t want to be here. I want to go to sleep and not have to wake up. I don’t remember what I dreamed last night but I think it was about him. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I just know I will never love anyone like I love him.

I will die
But you sef go die too

Mommy where are you??????




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  1. KreativeGene23

    dont worry sugabelly. i felt like that once. look a guy i dated videotaped himself going down on me and then took pictures of me pulling up my pants when i was not looking. he then posted fake pictures with guys/girls and little boys of me on the internet. he then got guys to get on clips to say they had sex with me and i sleep with little boys and had veneral diseases.

    on top of that i got into an argument with my mother and sat the phone and cursed and cursed after i hung the phone up. my roommates stood by the door and recorded and lied and said i cursed my mother out. so then people were saying i did not have home training.

    try self hypnosis, prayer and meditation. this worked for me you deserve better. the right man will come along. firstyou have to be healed.

  2. Naija bad boi....

    i know ds may not be what u wanna hear ryt now,
    but as a guy..just let me tell u that no guy is worth losing ur sleep over meehn….
    i know it hurts and all…but time heals all wounds…its his loss believe me…i hope u see trhough all this and garnere the strength neede to carry on…
    take care

  3. latishababy

    wake up
    if he loves you, he’ll not ask you to do those stuff

    and please stop experimenting until you know what you want out of life, until you have a mind of your own.

    i can be ur blogville friend who will give u advice on school, boys, stuff so you don’t go wrong, if you want, mail me or stop at my box if you are down

    i won’t pressure you but what he did is nothing but mean. all you did was try to please him and it still backfired.

  4. kay9

    Not Bakuralisis again!!

    Asa-nwa get a grip naw, do you know how many girls out there that see you as shining example of feminine indepence?? After all your blogs? All your shows? Ihe nkea dizikwa one-kind o.

    I mean, imagine what will make NBB above lower his testosterone level long enof to say something really heart-touching.

    I won’t start saying any nice and consoling things to you Suga, i know you’re bigger than this. It’s high-time you shoved this nigga far up that part of your body where the sun don’t shine… umm, excuse my french.


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