The King and His Men

The King and his men
Stole the Queen from her bed
And bound her in her bones

I’m on the verge of being in an affair with a married man.
I never thought I’d be in this situation, but I am.

Last night I dreamed Bakura’s mother was holding a contest to find a suitable wife for him.
I came in last because I can’t cook.
Another girl was picked but he eloped with me anyway.

Today I picked up the phone and called Bakura.
Today he told me that yesterday he did the introductions to be married.
He says there’s a lot of pressure on him to get married.
He says he barely knows her…………but

But her name is Aisha.
Aisha means she’s Hausa.
She’s a good girl. She’ll make an appropriate wife.
It’s all been arranged.
All he has to do is show up and get married and his family will be happy.

Two months ago he called and said he wanted to be with me.

Now I wish my name was Aisha too.

I’m gonna fuck you up
I’m gonna slit your throat
And then I’ll tie you to the bed
And then I’ll watch you choke
And when you hit the sack
I hope you think of me
Because I’m trying so damn hard
Just to let you breathe…..

I’ve cried already. For the first time ever he heard me cry. He was a bit surprised. I think inside he thinks I’m so numb that I don’t feel anything anymore. Usually I’m on autopilot but this is Bakura. My Bakura. My flawed, imperfect, beautiful Bakura.

I haven’t asked him why he doesn’t just say no. Bakura has eight brothers. He doesn’t have to get married, especially not if it’s an arranged marriage.

Maybe I’m just saying that because that’s the way it works out best for me. Maybe I’m selfish but he was fucking mine before bloody Aisha.

Is it wrong that I hate her already? She probably doesn’t know anything about me. Fuck, she doesn’t know anything about him; how the hell is she supposed to know about me? How the fuck do people agree to this shit?

Now I don’t know who I hate more, her for being Hausa, or myself for being Igbo. Or maybe I just hate him for not saying no.

I got your photograph taped to the ceiling baby
I’m gonna jack my shit off, over it maybe
You were always on my mind
When your hand was down my fly

I’ve been afraid of turning twenty since I met Bakura. Twenty means it’s time to get married.

Bakura is Twenty-seven.
I am here.
He is there.
Fucking Aisha is there too.
Is it wrong that I wish she’d trip and fall and land on a rusty old spear or something?
Is it wrong that I wish she’d get her very own private Hurricane Katrina to blow her into the fucking sea?

Well the dead can’t make me quiver
Like you did inside me in your bed
And if I ever see you out with her
Just say goodbye
Because I’ll smash her pretty face up
And I’ll watch her die

I started running on Autopilot a long time ago. I’m permanently heartbroken.

I’m shackled to the King of Pain and he won’t set me free.

There are 34 comments

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  1. Ijaw

    I have to say this (because you’re too nice a person to have this crap happen to them) and I’m not going to enjoy doing this one bit.

    But it has to be done. I wasn’t going to say anything but realized that I won’t forgive myself if I don’t say something.

    Please, please, PLEASE get rid of this guy! He’s not for you. First love is hard to give up but this guy Bakura is just using you.

    He says that he loves you abi? Then why does he want to torture you so? He knows he can’t do what is necessary to be with you(give up everything for you, family etc) yet he can’t be a man and let go?

    It’s just plain selfishness or in other words: wanting to have your cake and eat it too!!! He is not a small boy and to take advantage of you in this way is just plain nasty.

    We in your blog community, your friends and family will be with you through the tough times that will come (and pass!) but you simply have to get rid of him. He hasn’t got your interest at heart and for someone who says that he loves you, that is one of the greatest sins a man can commit.

    You deserve (and WILL GET!) a man worthy of your love and affection. Do not waste it on this person who has not grown up to face his responsibilities as a man.

    If you can’t make the woman you love happy, you let her go. That’s what men do, especially if you love a woman truly and with every fibre of your being….

  2. Her Royal Poshness

    As a hausa girl I will tell you this. No ‘man’ is forced to get married. This might hurt, but he does not want you, he wants Aisha. Don’t listen to him tell you lies.

    Hausa guys do this a lot. They keep a girlfriend for the time being, then when its time to get married (from 26 onwards) they start making excuses and then they leave. This is a typical story I assure you.

    Leave Aisha out of this, she has done nothing wrong. Besides if he marries you, trust me the family crisis will be beyond you! They will outcast you and make you miserable as hell. Most Hausas and Igbos are true tribalists.

    If his real name is Bakura, then he is from Borno state and he must be Kanuri. My dear, RUN! Run far away! Not in this lifetime will a Kanuri bring home an Igbo woman (trust me I’m half Kanuri). Maybe in our generation. Have you thought about the consequences? You have to change religion, change your name, live in a strange place, strange language. Hmmm…

    I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. I love your blog and do not want to be deprived of my dose of sugabellisms.

    Forget him my dear you deserve and will find much better. Cheer up 🙂

  3. Miss Fizzy

    Walk away hun. at least give yourself a chance to heal. If you stay, you’ll be lost.

    He’s an asshole. There’s no euphemistic way to put this, but he’s an asshole, not a child. He knows what he’s doing to you.

  4. Gloryus

    My sympathies…. it will pass eventually. He could have simply said NO to his folks, so he’s probably doing this to please them. I cant stand CAPABLE Naija people who allow their parents to dictate who they should date/marry. Arranged marriages in the year 2009? haha over my dead body.

  5. Naughty Eyes

    One of my northern friends did this same thing. He kept telling his Warri chick that he didn’t want to marry the girl they “forced” on him hence his refusal to go home.

    But he just had to go home, didn’t he? And I got the wedding invite… And now Warri girl must be feeling like ish…

    Once again I don’t know what to say to help but in my biased opinion, hard as it may be, forget Baruka. He was surprised to hear you cry because he probably thought you were so numb to feel any of the hurt.

    But you aren’t numb are you? You’ve got a heart… And a big one too…

    Funny thing is, it’s going to be OK later on.

  6. TY Tha Mos Magnificent

    shit, what the eff can i say? luv’s a bitch. no matter how well u write the script, things like these neva go d way u want them 2. sometimes the only way 2 relieve ur pain is to embrace it and let it run its course. be strong

  7. Temite

    errr Sugas, are you ok?
    First I feel as if its a story….but then again it might be real. Hugs and I know that you know what to do. You are DA SUGABELLI and know that everthing good will come.

  8. Lady Koko

    I HAVE BEEN AN INVISIBLE READER…. one sunday night..a couple of months ago…i read the whole of your blog right from 2007 till now….I COULDNT SLEEP FOR DAYS THINKING ABOUT creepy as this sounds! ….i hate to admit this….BUT THAT NIGHT I WEPT FOR YOU … am sounding like a downright scary ass creep….BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT!
    a close friend of mine went through similar pain..AND I HAD NOTHING TO GIVE HER….i knew no matter what i said…she was hurting and i couldnt heal her pain.
    P.S: IJAW’s comment makes a lot of sense ……you cant keep fighting this love battle ALONE!

  9. sugar banana

    i hate to say it, but he is just not that into you … all this story he is telling na LONG THING.

    surround yourself with the true life stories of men who against all odds stayed with the women they loved.

    im not saying he cant be forced to marry some rich randommer, i mean look at mohd babangida but i bet bakura doesnt have that kind of money.

    Also, um why would you even want to marry into a northern family being a christian igbo? not to be tribalistic or anything, but some of those horror stories fit break box office for hollywood.

    i’ve been thru all this wahala before, as in i could not understand after all i gave this guy, not including sex Thank God, cos then where would i be, he still dumped me. but hey, wetin man go do, it took me a long while but im done with his small eared head

  10. sugabelly

    @everyone: Thanks for giving me your honest opinions. I feel completely drained and really really tired. I had a long conversation with him last night and he insists he wants to be with me. He’s agreed to have a meeting with his family to explain that he doesn’t want to marry this girl. I don’t know anything about her but I don’t believe she’s particularly pushing for the marriage either. From what he’s told me it’s pretty much a wedding of convenience to cement the political relationship between his father and her father.

    I’m not sure what is going on in my relationship with him at this point and I think we need a break either way. Thank you to everyone that pointed out the polygamy, religion, and cultural issues. I’ve been long aware of the cultural and religious issues. His sister positively hates me because I’m Igbo and Christian. The polygamy bugs me. And I would never agree to a polygamous marriage, but I guess the reality of the situation of Bakura’s views on polygamy is that he believes it’s okay to have indiscretions. Oh fuck it, I don’t know.

    We’re trying to work this out and I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not going to blog about anything serious for a while. I’m a bit depressed and I’m trying to be lighthearted to improve my mood.

    Whatever happens, you’ll find out eventually. Since he keeps insisting he loves me, I’m going to believe him. He probably does anyway because he keeps coming back. God knows we’ve broken up more times than I can count. What I don’t know is if him loving me actually means anything or will change anything.

    I’m sorry I’m rambling but I’m tired and really sad.

    @Her Royal Poshness: Bakura isn’t his real name and he isn’t Kanuri. He’s Hausa. He was born in Kano.

  11. Sting

    Okay sugabelly, i don’t get u at this point. I started reading ur blog over a year ago at the point when Bakura had just broken ur heart. I remember encouraging u and you were going to be fine, time heals everything blah blah.

    Is this the same Bakura who was so mean to you that you are now contemplating going back to? Has he changed and become a nice, caring person? I don’t think u should get back with this dude for any reason, cos if you have forgotten the pain he caused u, people like me who read ur blog and felt for u at that time have forgotten.

    Good luck.

  12. Ijaw

    @Sting: Well said!

    @Mellowyel: where are you?! Help us in the blogosphere save Sugabelly!

    @Sugabelly: What you are going through is unbelievably tough, believe me I KNOW!!! I think you have a great future ahead of you and if after what I’m going to say you ban me from your blog, so be it!

    I’m hopping mad and will be INTENTIONALLY RUDE when talking about this guy. This worthless fellow will RUIN a great life because of that useless penis of his that would not stay in one place!

    Let’s put our cards on the table here.

    1) “Since he keeps insisting he loves me, I’m going to believe him. He probably does anyway because he keeps coming back”

    This is just plain rubbish. Guys EVERYWHERE and of EVERY RACE will say and do ANYTHING to get some. From his perspective, he just wants some more of that “FRESH BLOOD”(Naija students terminology when I was in school). Remember the famous saying in Naija: “I love you pass my mama!”. He just wants to continue screwing you till he’s finally tired and can dump you without feeling that he is missing something!

    2) “He’s agreed to have a meeting with his family to explain that he doesn’t want to marry this girl”

    Is he completely lobotomized? He knows he loves you and it’s now he’s going to tell his people? Na you get to tell am before he knows that he has to do this? Who’s older here?

    3) “From what he’s told me it’s pretty much a wedding of convenience to cement the political relationship between his father and her father.”

    It seems your only source of information on this matter is this dipshit we’re calling Bakura. I can bet my PENIS that this idiot is lying to you. I will also add my entire ASS to the bet if we also wager that he’s ALREADY married Aisha!

    4) “I’ve been long aware of the cultural and religious issues.”

    To hell with the cultural and religious issues, this is first and foremost a PERSONAL issue!!! If he was serious about you, he would have gotten rid of Aisha THEN come to tell you that he REFUSED an arranged marriage just so that he could be with you. It cannot be the other way around.

    What he’s saying can be translated like this: “E be like say dem don arrange wife for me o! Wetin you dey talk now? If you nor serious, I dey waka o!!!”

    I feel like strangling the ASSWIPE!!!

    Unlike Sting, I won’t wish you good luck if you go back to that useless excuse for a human being. It would be a waste of energy. There is only ONE way this can end, no need wasting time waiting and praying for miracles!

    I keep hoping and praying that you’re making this up. The ball is in your court. Remember that if it goes wrong if you go back to him(and from all indications it will!) , he’s not responsible for anything. YOU ARE!!! It will be YOUR FAULT!!! As Hausa man dey say, CHIKENA!!!

    I can’t believe that someone with so much intelligence and vitality (check out the Ndebe project and see what I mean) would be destroyed by one halfwit from Kano. I hope his rotten penis falls off and he gets raped anally by a horse!!!

  13. Ijaw

    I just looked at Sugabelly’s post from May 21 2009(

    It just made me madder. I bet everyone would like to know why I’m drinking panadol for someone else. It’s because this is PERSONAL!!!

    I’ve seen the havoc “BAKURAS” both male and female can cause. I’ve been there for friends (both male and female) who have been mistreated by people like BAKURA. A few recover and can put the crap behind them with a LOT of support from family and friends.

    Most people do not recover from the encounter with a “BAKURA”. If they are lucky, they will only remain paranoid till they die. Always suspecting that any significant other is playing tricks on them. That is not what wears them down though. It’s the realization that they are BEING UNFAIR to the other person but they cannot help themselves!!! They extend this behaviour to relatives, friends and their children. What a real shame!

    The unlucky ones will be broken for life. I personally know people who cannot sleep at night a decade after meeting a “BAKURA”. I also know people who tried to commit suicide more than once because of asswipes like “BAKURA”.

    A couple of friends and I were once on 24-HOUR SUICIDE WATCH for several days because of a female BAKURA who used and dumped a guy. Both of them were not black or even Nigerian! BAKURAS exist in other races too! The sad part of it was that the guy had renounced his faith and family to be with the girl. When she got tired of the novelty of dating and screwing “on the other side”, she went off and married from her own race!. She said she never wanted it to be serious and she was just having fun, he should know that it would never work between them. She said all this AFTER asking him to CHOOSE between his family and faith on one hand and her!!

    HAVING FUN? A person renounced his family and faith for you for Heaven’s sake!!! I honestly wanted to BEAT THE LIVING SHIT out of her that day! I do NOT HIT women and I didn’t hit her eventually but I came PRETTY CLOSE to doing some REAL DAMAGE to that WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT calling herself a human being and a woman!

    One girl I know cannot have a relationship with ANYBODY right now, she feels so unworthy of affection. A guy I know from childhood changes girlfriends like he’s going to the toilet to take a dump because he has diarrhoea. A case of the abused turning abuser not so?

    One of the saddest cases I know is of a girl who went crazy and had to be confined to a mental home for a period. She’s still not recovered from her encounter with a “BAKURA” which was 15 YEARS AGO!!!

    That is why I think my earlier wish about BAKURA’s penis and the horse was wrong. I should not have said that.

    I should have said this instead:

    “I hope BAKURA’s rotten and useless penis and testicles are cut off, fried in a pan and he is force-fed the whole thing!!!
    After that he should be GANG-RAPED ANALLY by a team of 50 HORSES with a team of specialist doctors on hand to make sure EVERY HORSE HAS THEIR TURN!!!”

  14. juiceegal

    Lol @ Ijaw’s comment…..i know its nt funny nd al but dat last statement gt me cracking up.Ok so i wsnt gonna comment on this before, but after readin sugabelly’s response,my 1st reaction was WTF is this chic saying, but then i thot about the whole ish for a while nd i have dis to say:

    Iv read ur blog from the beginning, iv read al bout the shit that this bakura dude has put u thru, one thing is certain, this is a love hate relationship. You hate that you love him but you can’t help yourself, i know all bout dis, been there done that, only it wasn’t as deep as this.
    Sugabelly run, run before this causes u more harm,it has already cost u enough as it is, i know its not easy to break away from such a relationship, heck these kinds of relationships are addictive, i agree with everything that ijaw said 100% infact he is so right i have nothing else to add.
    Its your choice to make at the end of the day, only you can make it, we can only advice. I hope this turns out as best as it can turn out.

  15. FIGE

    I was not going to comment on this, cos at times i always feel guilt when i hear or read things like this. i begin to think i was the one, or what i have done if i was the guy. I also try put myself in peoples shoe and figure out what gwan in there head… you get! After i re-read,the last sentence, of IJAW’s second post…. i am not going to talk bout your pain, cos we jus gonna keep redressing your wound( which you probably need to let the wound heal(real fast)). Not every guy understands what it takes to claim to love a woman, some think its just like saying good morning! something they have to do. found myself in such situations,and had being stupid enough to say it.
    iknda disagree with ijaw, the greatest sin a man can commit, is to make a woman feel pain. makin a woman feel pain is not ordinary.. it goes way spiritual but i no go enter their…. al i go say nah not all MEN cant acccept, that women are Like fresh eggs from the mother hen. you dont touch! just keep adoring!
    I am sorry these guy has hurt you,and i hope that you heal real fast, so you can move on real quick….but rush it…cos it will only ruin the next one.

  16. Ijaw

    @FIGE: I did say “one of the greatest sins” not “the greatest sin”. That aside, I really appreciate what you said to Sugabelly. That was really cool of you.

    I, however,was interested in the actions of the guy. He is the Ebola virus, you can only bleed to death if you catch it!!

    @juiceegal: You said it! Addictive is the key word in these type of relationships. He is doing this to Sugabelly ON PURPOSE!!! He’s probably telling his equally useless friends how he’s “got this girl on a leash”. Naija good o! We for don “ARRANGE” the bastard since!!!

    @everyone: The reaction on this blog really makes me believe in humanity again! People can be good! DOWN WITH THE BAKURAS OF THIS WORLD!!!

    Now does anyone know where we can buy 50 MALE HORSES?

  17. iHeart!

    oh dear. i know your pain – albeit a watered down version, so i will stay mute. you will find the strength though, and when you do it will shock you how free you feel.

    ps: saw u on cnn, the reading of The Thing Around Your Neck. x

  18. culturesoup

    I haven’t followed the whole story but your pain is so apparent in this post. I think guys (and girls) that behave like Bakura can end up draining the life out of you.

    I don’t think you’ll be heartbroken forever, at some point you have to set yourself free if he’s not going to let you go. It might be the best thing you do even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

  19. kay9

    Nne, I can’t give you any advice that Ijaw and Naughty Eyes and everybody else haven’t given, so i won’t. I just want you to know that i feel your hurt. Ndo o, ebezila akwa, hicha anya gi. Obi tiwara etiwa ga-adi ndu ozo.

  20. Bambi

    I’m one of those who were silently reading your blog. Evven thinking (and hoping) that this whole Bakura thing was a product of your fictional talent (which I know of as we were friends in a previous life). But if there even the slightest chance that this is not some fictional creation for a social experiment, I will not forgive myself either.

    I just want to state first of all that I have recently come out of a ‘first-love’ relationship myself. The kind, since it ended, I like to call Blissful Ignorance. It was wonderful in that world. Shit went down, but I knew, I just KNEW we would be together forever. I knew it in the blood that was flowing through me. In the tears I cried. Even after it all blew up I still knew.

    Its real easy for me to sit here and tell you to dump him. He’s not good for you. Look what he’s done. He’s lying. All of which are true I should add. But what I wish I knew then that would’ve helped… That I really think you should know now… is that THERE REALLY IS LIFE AFTER BAKURA.

    Its funny. It seems like a cliche but I can swear to you that right now you don’t know it. If all seems black when you try to envision your life when you end it then you do not know it. But I promise you there is. And you will love again if you let you self. I know only too well what you must feel like right now. When you don’t know your up from down. Hell, they don’t even exist, but please trust when I say there is life after him.

    “We’re trying to work this out and I really don’t know what I’m doing.”

    That right there scares the living daylight out of me. I can’t even believe how much so as we’ve probably not thought about each other since that previous life. I hope this ‘work itself out’ is the equivalent to mine… that is before I realised that while I may love him with every breath I take, I LOVE MYSELF MORE… and I dumped his ass (like tearing off an arm). But I did it. I can’t describe to you the peace and joy I feel now. After my wound we’re healed and after I was rebellious… doing things I would never normally do. After I couldn’t even think about him without a tsunami of emotions (anger, resentment, longing, regret.. you name it). It feels wonderful on the other side let me tell you girl.And its all waiting for you. Cuz hes just not for you. Its really that simple.

    If he was there will be absolutely nothing, NOTHING that will stop you from being together. A man… no ANY man…. bikers, CEO’s, busdrivers, marketmen, the guy that works in starbucks… ANYMAN that really wants to be with you WILL. Sometimes whether YOU like it or not. Anything in-between is just dust.

    I really hope you get there. I know you will. You’re a strong girl (you might say you’ve changed or maybe i ddnt know you like that then but strength can be seen a mile away.

    Again something that ppl, even me, neglect. Yes, there is pain and turmoil on this earth but WE HAVE NOT BEEN BROUGHT HERE TO SUFFER. I believe we have been brought here to find our way to happiness and this dude is a speedbump. In fact judging from all this he don miss road altogether, so please leave him to it. You’ve got your own to worry about. Your real man is waiting for you to give you happiness you have only seen on TV because thats real love. If anyone is making you unhappy or is hurting you does not love you. Its as simple as that.

    I know I’ve rambled but I would’ve loved to hear this then. Through all this just keep it in the back of your mind that there is life after him. You are in my prayers.

    PS Tru talk Ijay

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