Today is World Drawing Day

Original

My attempt – Almost done.

Done. Medium is Black Biro

Side by Side

I haven’t drawn anything in a really long time. Actually I haven’t drawn anything major for years. For a long time now I’ve been agonising over the fear that my talent is truly gone and that I’ll never get it back. I’ve tried to start drawing and painting again so many times but every time I try to draw something all I get is crap. It’s painful. I used to be able to produce exact replicas of anything I looked at and now I can’t even draw a chair and get it right. Three nights ago I spent the whole night crying because I tried and tried to draw the view from my window and just couldn’t. I have my sketchbook and paints with me and my charcoal and pens, but nothing is coming and it’s so scary.

Part of me is really, truly furious with my Mom over this. I used to do art in secondary school and I was doing well but she (like all Nigerian parents) wanted me to be a doctor, so she came to school and forced the admin to change my classes from Art to Physics, Chemistry, and Biology. I went from being happy and excelling at something I loved to being miserable and almost failing. She made me drop Art, and because of her I didn’t draw anything for years. I swore that the moment I got to university I would take art and I did take a drawing class in my freshman year which I must admit helped me come out of my abyss.

I even won Third Place (White Ribbon) in the school’s art show. But seriously, come on! Third Place? Since when did I ever win THIRD place in a drawing competition? I feel like a fucking shmuck. I haven’t taken an art class since then. Which was a year ago. I’ve already lost so many skills I had. I used to be a gymnast but I stopped. Now I can’t even bend over. I used to play tennis for Milo but I stopped. Now I can’t run to hit a wide ball. I used to play the piano beautifully but I stopped. Now all I can manage is the encore of the Phantom of the Opera, and I’ve forgotten how to read music.

Even now I’m in Manhattan trying to write. I used to love writing. I used to get a rush feeling my pen connect with the paper. I have a blank notebook and at least five pens in every handbag I own. I used to write compulsively. Now the last entry in my journal was in January. About the journaling I sort of understand because I used my journals to get through the pain of secondary school and I used my blog to get through the pain of Bakura, but everything else I don’t understand.

I start things, and then I stop them halfway through. I feel lost and lonely without my abilities.

I used to be an artist.

Now I feel like a fucking fraud.



There are 7 comments

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  1. The experiences of an achiever.......

    firstly, damn girl..it’s nearly 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! go to sleep..
    secondly..yay me!!
    finally,..yh, i think it was lamarck’s use and disuse theory? that joint is so true..it feels like u’ve lost it..but all you need is a little practice..i don’t think GOD-GIVEN talents just wake up one day and disappear..they’re just there barely breathing below the surface..
    And on the subject..I used to be able to do cartwheels and stand on my head, now? not even to save my life.. *sad face

  2. L-VII

    Is there anything you can’t do? I am intrigued by how talented, intelligent and just well rounded you seem.

    When pepper rest well well, you go draw me a piece, something similar to this, I have a thing for afro’d sisters….

    Keep up the good work.

    L.

  3. chayoma

    What fraud?
    Cmon, the talent is clearly there. (might i add, beautiful drawing. feel like u sld do a sketch of me or something, sometime 🙂
    the talent lurks beneath all others, waiting to be rediscovered! YOU have to do the rediscovering…
    Damn, you did do everything huh?
    and you still can….

  4. eccentricyoruba

    Sugabelly, never lose faith in yourself. never ever ever ever! i think you really are a great talented person and you are certainly not a fraud. i’ll also add that i really admired you in secondary school just so you know.

    i’m also notorious for leaving things halfway done, i started drawing and stopped. now with writing i just make sure i write something because i’m scared of losing that. it is the same with my Japanese, i’ve learnt so much but am at the same time discouraged. and i’ve written so many potential books but always stopped halfway. i think it is necessary to discipline and motivate yourself in order to move on with life and be true to yourself.

    really i wish you all the best!

  5. Nice Anon

    You are fucking talented! Jeez. are you kidding me? Only if you can feel this way about yourself. You are very well rounded in pretty much everything. That is nice.

  6. All4Naija

    I agree with you that talent can go away sometimes. I used to be a good artist in my secondary school years but now I can hardly draw a cartoon. Consistency is the way with talent and, I would like you to keep it up.Don’t give an inch, I say! don ‘t!


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