The Problem with Intra and Interracial Dating

I’m doing this post as a response to the Interracial Dating topic that’s currently on The African Women. It was supposed to be a comment, but obviously that didn’t work out. Okay, my two kobos. I have NOTHING against interracial dating. If a boy meets girl, and the boy falls in love, or if a girl meets boy, and girl falls in love, then hey, I wish you Happily Ever After. I understand that interracial dating has its own unique issues because each race has its own insecurities. But websites like Tube V Sex embrace all sorts of body types positively. A Black woman dating a White man might be embarrassed about her hair because he is used to dating women with natural (CAUCASIAN) hair which he can, and probably enjoys touching, and now she has to explain to him that: a. Her hair is not real b. It cannot be touched, pulled, yanked or ruffled at will during sex because it might come off or get damaged. At the same time, said White guy might be wondering whether she’s used to being with guys with penises the size of 2-litre coke bottles. She may even suggest that her partner invests in some of the best male enhancement pills. There are secrets that generally stay within races, but with an interracial couple, suddenly, everything is out in the open, and sometimes it can be too much. Insecurities about body size (African women tend to be bigger and much more curvaceous), to language (what if you insist he learns your language? What if he refuses?) to food (a White boyfriend might be unable to keep down goat meat peppersoup) all sorts of problems arise. I am totally for interracial relationships, but as with anything, the reasons why can change the perspective radically. For instance, I am far more accepting of interracial relationships between Black Women and White Men than I am of those between Black Men and White Women. A lot of people will say right off the bat that I am prejudiced to think this way, but let’s examine the reasons behind my line of thought. (By the way, I’m totally fine with interracial relationships between people of all other races). Relationships between Black Women and White Men tend more often to be truly based on love. Relationships between Black Men and White Women, however, while majorly based on love or at least mutual feelings of genuine affection for each other, are also increasingly based on a desire for the perceived social prestige associated with dating a “White Girl/Woman”. Now, where does this perceived social prestige come from? It comes from the minds of Black Men. An increasing number of Black Men, whether out of self-hate or some other powerful force, continually put Black Women down by saying, thinking, and propagating that we (Black Women) are ugly, unworthy, unattractive, masculine, lower class, and undeserving. Those same men are also partially responsible for reinforcing colorism among Black Women. They see women of other races as more beautiful, better, and far more deserving of their love and affection, and they feel some sort of revulsion towards women of their own race. This is what I have an issue with. Fair enough, when men choose to speak to a woman through sites like, the race of the person over the phone is not an issue. But all of a sudden, when it comes to real life, there are black men out there who tend to put women of the same race down, just for their own satisfaction. That’s just not right.

As a result, Black women, particularly dark-skinned Black women see the desire of men that look like them for women that look like ANYTHING but them, and they feel pushed to the side, forgotten, unwanted and unloved. Granted, they would rather not have anything to do with us, but in situations where all they have to choose from are Black Women, they create an artificial ranking system, a pecking order if you will and impose it psychologically on every Black Woman around them. They use their fantasies about women of lighter races as a basis for judgment and as far as their classification of Black Women goes, those of us that look closest in appearance to these women of lighter races come first and are treated best, and those that don’t come after. And the further you are in appearance from a white woman, the less love and affection you deserve from these men. Of course, everyone deserves the chance to meet someone, and anyone can, on sites like doublelist.

What is wrong with this picture?

In the end, every dark-skinned Black Woman that has been unfortunate enough to encounter even just one of these men in her life comes away with damaged self-esteem, the tiny little voice in the back of her head that whispers “what if you really aren’t good enough?” But what about the light-skinned women, who are so fortunate to be at the top of this pecking order? Most of them haven’t got the slightest clue what I’m on about. If they do, it’s only that dark-skinned women are sometimes rather hostile towards them. For the most part, they do not share in the pain of dark-skinned Black Women (the majority of whom make up the Black race) who on a daily basis are made to feel ugly and small and un-feminine and undesirable. They are the ones who are exalted and admired and cuddled and loved. The light-skinned women have it easy. If they suffer, they suffer only the jealousy of darker-skinned women who burn themselves in the middle of the night with bleaching creams and ‘toners’ in a pitiful attempt to end their unspoken pain. Some light-skinned women know what dark-skinned women go through, but for the most part, as far as the admiration and desire of men are concerned, they breeze through life happily, while dark-skinned women get the shit end of the stick. Now I am not saying that the plight of dark-skinned women is somehow the fault of light-skinned women, but it is very easy to brush things off as trivial when they are not your problem and can never affect you. Many light-skinned women display amusement, confusion, or off-handedness when an attempt is made to discuss this issue with them. Most of them have been told that they are beautiful all their lives by Black men, so they cannot understand how the same Black men are supposedly disapproving, unappreciative of, and cruel to other women. To make things worse, coupled with the prevailing Eurocentric position of the media, whenever these women see images of Black women that are supposed to represent them, the successful, bright, loved, cherished, protected, and universally adored Black woman is always light-skinned, while in the same movie, ad, music video, etc the crass, uneducated, difficult, troublesome, ugly, uncouth, ill-mannered Black woman is always dark-skinned. Then there’s the over-sexualization of dark-skinned Black women in the mass media as if that will make up for the fact that increasing numbers of Black men refuse to love us. The idea is that dark-skinned Black women are sex-crazed she-devils that somehow “deserve” whatever sexual violence is meted out to them. By reducing us to hormone-driven animals permanently on heat, it is easier to view us not as sentient beings deserving of love but as insatiable sex machines more suitable for light or heavy amusement. Even where interracial relationships are concerned this idea somewhat persists to a certain though much lesser degree. Just visit any forum titled ‘Why White Men Love Black Women’ and you’ll have a very clear idea of what I am referring to. Allow me to provide you with a short copy-and-paste quote from one such thread on Topix: Oh there is nothing like having a young black girl in your bed if u are an older white man. I like real dark skin black girls watching them take my white penis deep in that hot black young mouth and juicy black hairy snatch is to die for.Feeling that sweaty plump black butt bouncing up and down on my feels sooooo good. -Whitestud I find many attractive black women. I love their full lips, full breast, and shapely butts. I was talking to a Nigerian woman today, she wasn’t like the majority of African American women here in the USA, she was very intelligent, and had one of the nicest arses I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I’m gonna try my best to get her panties off and in between her thighs in the coming weeks. -Crazy Marco Light-skinned women are the face of desirable Blacks and dark-skinned Black women are the face of undesirable Blacks everywhere. Oprah Winfrey is a fluke. Discounting her, this holds true almost everywhere and in almost every situation. This is not to say that all Black men think this way, or even that it is the majority of Black men that think this way, or that there are no relationships between Black men and White women that are based on nothing but pure love, but a SIGNIFICANTLY LARGE proportion of Black men think this way, and their collective thought is constantly reinforced by the relationship choices of successful Black men that other not-so-successful Black men look up to. There is a prevailing and persistent subconscious idea that a White woman is somehow better and more attractive than any other woman, most especially a Black woman, and that by either dating or purporting to date a White woman, a Black man can immediately elevate his status among his peers. The unwritten rule also states that if one cannot procure a White woman, then a woman of any other race, or a light-skinned Black woman will have to do as a second-rate replacement. I have no idea where this bullshit came from, but it is damaging dark-skinned Black women everywhere. So, with this situation on the table, the question remains, What options do dark-skinned women have? Black women seem to irrationally loyal to Black men, even in the face of rejection, and this I think, is a fatal flaw. This is also the reason why I believe that most Black Woman-White Man relationships are based on genuine love and affection for each other. I honestly think that dark-skinned Black Women need to start looking beyond Black men for the love that they so desperately need. All bets are off. If it has a penis and two balls and it loves you, then go find your Happily Ever After no matter what race it is. Waiting for Black men who consistently and increasingly reject you only deepens the resentment and self doubt. Loyalty aside, another big barrier to entry into an interracial relationship for Black women is a sense that we are somehow not as attractive to men of other races as women of their own race. Nothing reinforces this fear more than the notion of Black Hair. I believe that HAIR is one of the most powerful markers by which men (for those that do) classify Black women as inferior to women of other races. The image of women with long, flowing, blowing, bouncing, touchable, movable hair is too deeply imprinted in the minds of Black men and women alike. For Black men it’s understandable as men tend to like to have something to hold on to besides your breasts during sex, and for women because We. Don’t. Have. It. Black women are the only race of women that ROUTINELY wear PLASTIC and OTHER PEOPLE’S HAIR on their heads on a daily basis. The fact that most Black women do not have hair security and confidence in their own natural hair puts them, in the minds of many men, a notch below women of all other races in the world. Somehow because our “hair” tends to be fake, we’re not really seen as full women. I understand this completely. Hair, particularly a woman’s hair, invokes a very strong primal reaction in men. To a man, a woman’s hair reeks of sex, and when your hair is fake, well that’s just disappointing. At the same time, if your hair is real but it’s a stiff globe of sharp and dangerous spike-like curls, then that’s off-putting too. For Black women it’s a total lose-lose situation. Luckily, humans are not as controlled by our instincts as other animals but that doesn’t mean that those instincts are not there, especially in testosterone-fueled men. Modern men have learned to control these initial primal reactions to weaves, braids, and all manner of fake hair because the rational mind rationalizes that due to the plight of natural Black hair, these things are necessary. As a result, men have learned to ignore the fact that your bush came from Akwa Ibom but your bob came from New Delhi. A lot of Black women hesitate to enter relationships with men of other races because while they suffer mistreatment at the hands of men of their own race, they recognize that Black men already understand their shortcomings. Black men know NOT to pull your hair while you’re blowing them and they know that you might never be a size zero. They also know that if you pour water on your hair it will magically shrink to one fifth of its original length. It’s scary to have to start explaining that to a man from another race who quite frankly might have never had to deal with your kind of issues before. Still, I think that Black women, particularly dark-skinned Black women should take the leap and allow themselves to be loved by men of other races because frankly Black men are pushing us away. The proof is all around us. Everywhere we look, we see lighter skinned women being idolized and dark-skinned women are being pushed into an ever shrinking hole somewhere in an even darker corner in the hope that we will just give up and expire and be never heard from again. Perhaps this is not so much a problem in Africa as it is in America, but it is DEFINITELY catching on very fast. Take the following video for example. Ignore his TERRIBLE singing, but observe the overwhelming prevalence of white women in BOTH this singer’s videos. It is obvious that the singer (while grossly ignorant of his inability to sing) believes that his video has been rendered that much classier because there are White dancers in his videos. I have heard that he is Cameroonian but Cameroon is not that far from Nigeria. I don’t really keep up with the music scene anywhere, but even an old newspaper like me has noticed that Nigerian music videos have disturbingly began to feature White or light-skinned Indian women and in an ever-increasing capacity. The message dark-skinned Black Women are hearing everywhere is “You are not good enough, you never were, and you never will be. You are not beautiful like other women, and so you are not worthy or deserving of love. In fact, you might not even be a woman.”A lot of people deny this is true but you just need to go looking in the Great Oracle of the Millennial generation a.k.a the Internet. There are forums, there are blogs, there are articles, there are letters from dark-skinned Black women crying out their frustration, sadness, and depression over the way they are viewed and consequently treated and denied love by Black men. Ask the people you know, ask the people you don’t know. Rejected dark-skinned Black women are EVERYWHERE. The Obama Drama There are so many people that are upset by Michelle Obama, and they are upset because she makes them uncomfortable. Among other things, she makes them uncomfortable because frankly most people are unused to seeing a dark-skinned woman being the subject of love and affection of a Black man in the public eye. It confuses them because somehow a lot of people can’t wrap their minds around it, and I don’t blame them. Man after Black man upon attaining the pinnacle of success has proceeded to choose either a very light-skinned Black woman or a woman of a completely different race to be his mate. Somehow, like I said on Bella Naija, a white woman is seen as the cherry on top of all a Black man’s achievements. A Black woman is the sticky icecream scum that makes those ugly round marks on the coffee table. She needs to be wiped away as quickly as possible to avoid any blemishes or permanent watermarks to his social standing or status. There is nothing wrong with Interracial dating. There is nothing wrong with Black men dating White women and vice versa, but there are a lot of Black men that I wish would do it for the right reasons. Everyone has their preferences, and some people may be more attracted to a certain race than others, but that does not give Black men the right to knock Black women, to put them down and to rob them equal love.

There are 28 comments

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  1. miss.fab

    Lol both of you snatched the words out of my hand. Kai babe this post is long oh, but I know it will be good so I’ll read it (after I’m done studying for this electronics… uggh) and come back and comment

  2. zara (my alter ego)

    i hVE a question, did u do a research and found out that black men think in the pattern in which u have squarely stereotyped them in this post?

    post is ratherlong, but i managed to finish it and i beg to differ on some points u made.

    a black man datin a white woman is not cos he thinks it makes him better, its just goes to reinforce the statement, ‘its a man’s world’. its seen as as less of an anomaly than a black woman dating a white man so for u to see this latter group together, u know they have been through a lot of castigation and for them to remain together, it must be true love while the former gorup(black man/white woman) gets more popular by the day because no one really cares and men always have a wider playing field than women.

    in addition to black men looking down on their fellow black women and not wanting to date them, they also think they are cheap, talk too much, dont know how to comport themselves and r not sophisticated in the least bit.

    u wont find a black posh guy turining down an educated, posh and elegant black lady.
    if we black women began to take ourselves seriously, and polish up, u would get the best. i mean u dont expect someone from lekki to go to isale eko looking for a girlfriend(no offense).

  3. Dinka

    @Zara: If you didn’t notice she acknowledged that not all Black men think or act this way but that a lot of them do. She also said that it is not all relationships between black men and white women that are based on this.

  4. Jabez

    WOW! WOw! WOW!!!

    This is SUPER!! You just gave me a peek at how it is being an african woman. I salute you!!!

    I am not African, im Asian. but i tell you, i have always been fascinated by dark-skinned African Women. In fact, recently, having known so many great nigerians makes me want to be in your skin – regardless!!

    More power to you!!!!

  5. mizchif

    Very well articulated post as usual dear, though rather lengthy.

    I can’t say i agree with all your points, but i know i am highly disturbed by the way our NIGERIAN artistes have taken to featuring white or indian women in their videos, like seriously WTF is that supposed to mean. I wish they would just stop.

  6. juiceegal

    Wow dis is long….nd dis is my first time here…to think i had 2 read a long post 1st…lol
    Anyway i think black men also date white women for prestige amongst their peers,another reason is because they believe the black women are long so they would rather go for the easy alternative which is the white women.
    I personally think that these black men that do so for these reasons are insecure,and its true that when a black man feels he has reached his peak,he tends to want societal approval so he does this by marrying a white woman, thinking that automatically it would make the white people accept him more.All in all, this would continue to be a controvesial topic and i believe people shld just do things for the right reasons

  7. Black Girl

    Lol- I like how everyone complains over the long post 🙂

    I think that this was a very well-written post and I agree *completely* with all the points that you made. It really hurts me to see these things on a daily basis.

    I’m not Nigerian [My fam’s from DRC] but I know a lot of Congolese videos are picking up the trend of using light-skinned girls as well. It’s really shameful.


    This comment is not intended to offend …just some points for you and readers to pick up on. And I intend to be completely honest but if anyone finds this offensive. My apologies.
    Ok, here we go. I dont think black women were created as a lesser human than her white counterpart. But it is those black girls who prefer to wear braids or weave on that bring shame to the black race. I find nothing as disgusting as a black girl with weave on or braids or who tries in some way to emulate having the hair of a white woman.
    I love and find so irresistable the black woman who has natural hair i.e. dreads or plaited in the African style. Nothing as beautiful as the natural black woman. Nothing and until I can find one with natural hair, Ill continue dating other races where the women tend to have natural hair. There is nothing as off puting during sex as the smell of weave on or braids…I alwyas become impotent when I smell such

  9. Maat

    I’m sorry, but I don’t blame black men Sugerbelly. How can you? Where did they get their sense of what is beautiful and desirable in a woman? The greatest formative influence on a man is his mother. If you were the mother of a black man who thinks that women who look like you with your type of hair and features are ugly and repellent, then he first of all got that idea from you.
    It means that when he looks at you, he finds you ugly and is desperate to escape whatever you represent to him. As this goes against the normal child parent bonding mechanism, unless there was a history of abuse or neglect, the main cause must be a deep identification with his mother’s own self loathing.

    Many black women in America and in other countries where slavery or colonialism has sapped their sense of self worth, loathe themselves and everything that makes them different from the dominant races.
    Before there were lightening creams or hair weaves, there were other cruder attempts to look more like ‘them’ and a culture, especially in the U.S of denigrating all things African. ‘Nappy’, ‘Nigger’ ‘Black and ugly’ are all terms that were prevalent in the black American community and were used by black mothers and absorbed by their children.
    How many dark skinned black men would fear bringing back a light skinned girl to meet his mother? I would say none. They’d never have to worry about it, because their dark skinned mothers would only ever be grateful that their son had a light skinned wife and that their children would be lighter. That’s what they would do if they were men themselves.

  10. Maat

    In continuation, I’d just like to say that there is a solution here. Interestingly enough, few of the forum discussions or youtube videos that discuss this issue ever seem to investigate possible solutions. I know you think marrying outside one’s race is the answer, but I disagree. Not because I’ve anything against true love matches between people of different races, but because this is exactly what black men are doing to escape from the low sense of self worth black women have. Yes I know, you think it’s the other way round, but trust me on this, if you examine this issue more deeply, i.e historically and psychologically, I am right.
    The problem doesn’t go away if black women run away. The answer is in self love and self acceptance. Profound love and acceptance of your natural hair type and skin colour and truely understanding what it is and what it’s worth. Those women who gain this radiate beauty and power and are adored by men of all races.

    Black women are something very very special. Remember we came first on this planet and everything that makes us unique, has a deeper spiritual meaning and significance.

    Until black women truely understand this, they will remain in the personal hell of self hatred, rejection and pain which they will continue to pass on to their sons and daughters.

  11. blackstardust

    so wait, now black men blame the black women who raised them for the ways in which they view and treat us? what about society’s patriarchy where even though women are mothers–we’re sytematically devalued as lesser than men. whose opinions are valued more within certain contexts? god forbid–if you’re black on top of that.

    black mothers don’t do it all and are not responsible for it all. anyway as for asking, “Where did they get their sense of what is beautiful and desirable in a woman?” from, i can tell you that it’s NOT entirely at home. that’s idealistic at best. ESPECIALLY young men of color in their formative years, they get these ideas primarily and most significantly from OTHER men, their home-boys and the world at large [music/pop culture etc] moreso than examples of mother-figures and even if that were present in the home, there’s nothing stopping grown black men from choosing to refuse that option, no matter how strong, how positive a role-model and an embodiment of beauty their black mother was/is.

    if we are being held responsible–then so will YOU. it’s a two-way street and stop pawning it off [again] on black MOTHERS and black women. we can’t literally MAKE you desire us—but you can work on yourself more effectively than us fretting ever could [ideally]. oh and i don’t think the post is too long. people complain about long readings too much. in this day and age, sometimes a topic is too heavy to squeeze into some pocket sizable portion. so with that said, i laud your honesty and the points taken to task in your blog. i like, many other black women can relate. you touched a raw nerve, but in an illuminating and poignant way.

  12. All4Naija

    First and foremost, I believe that is Sugarbelle major problem – it’s very certained from the post. I would advise you to tone your skin quickly before you lost the race for the right sweet black man.

    secondly, there’s no sense in saying that most black men look down on black women because of their colour, here in Nigeria(as I am highly awared of). Even it could be a very rare case in the United States of american. Many people have piped this subject of famous African Americans getting married to white women on youtube yet the case is not so palpable in the real life as said not even from the examples of people they mentioned were married to white women. This odd idealism held by our black women is only going to twist them toward the wrong directions. Not only to view black men from a negative perspective but will form a sense in us inferiority black women feel within their own jealous selves.

    I like black women just the way I do love white. Black men are hardly racists. One thing is that our women like this costmetic beauty of a thing this has be the order of the day and mostly popularized by the African Americans. Note that cosmetic surgery is popular with all colour of women in the modern dispensation. Many people here will agree with me that even the average white women have more silicons planted in their breast than the average black ones.

    I arguably doubt your proves here that black men are downgrading black women. They are not valid proves but a mere thoughs from your insatiable self. I would only advise you to look inwardly because all intelligent black men see better than colour in women. Indeed, many women would want to marry intelligent men.

    Please, take my comment with grain of salt if don’t agree with me because, so do I with yours.

  13. eccentricyoruba

    thanks for this, i don’t agree with everything you’ve mentioned but what matters is that i agree with most of it. i’ve felt under-valued as a Nigerian woman and i do notice this trend in music videos. it’s dangerous for self-esteem and this problem should be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. personally i’m currently dating a white guy, we’re both politics students and i actually get along with him. most important he’s not crazy. black men should date whoever they want but those with issues should stop denying that they value light-skin.

  14. Afrodisiaclynaija

    This is my first time here and i must commend you on such a lovely write up!…However i do not agree with everything stated although most of your points are valid.Historically speaking the problems about lighter skin black people Vs darker skin black people goes way back to the slavery days…where the masters segregated the lighter skin black people, kept them in the house close to them….they were called house slaves and the darker skinned ones were left on the field to do more menial jobs like picking cotton or whatever. Automatically the master treated the lighter skin black better. All this was just to create divisions among black people(divide and conquer). Personally i don’t care what type of girls are being used in videos….my sense of worth does not come from external sources, i think as women in general(black or white)we should define beauty for ourselves because a man who will love you would not need outward standards to love you. Please y’all it’s 2009 let go of slave mentality!

  15. sugabelly

    @Afrodisclynaija: That’s true but your arguments are based strictly on the AFRICAN-AMERICAN experience. My argument is based on the experience of ALL BLACK WOMEN not just African Americans. In other countries that were COLONIZED rather than enslaved, the preference for light-skinned developed because the colonized people were mostly dark-skinned, and the light-skinned ones among them were seen as being in some way closer or similar (if you will) to the white-skinned masters.

    This idea that first of all, white people are superior, and second of all that anything that can make you more similar to white people is better, are the major contributing factors to the current idea that light-skinned people are better in countries outside the United States.

    Now as far as women are concerned, the skin issue affects us worse because since the beginning, the value of a man has always been placed on what he can DO or ACHIEVE with his hands. The value of a woman has always been placed on her attachment to a man (it is only in the last century that women have begun to be valued for their own achievments).

    As a result, when men began to select women who were lighter skinned in a bid to be closer to the concept of The Greatness of Whiteness (and to ensure that their children would be lighter and thereby considered somehow superior), the value of dark-skinned women decreased dramatically.

    These things were provoked by white domination whether in the form of slavery or colonization, but they have been heavily exacerbated since then because of the pervasive colonial mentality among the black people who were colonised.

    It’s sad, but very very true.

  16. All4Naija

    Many good black men are watching.Black women shouldn’t think we don’t see clearly with our eyes. They can keep doing their things in the dark and finally wait to get marry to decent black men.We are watching you black women. We are watching!

  17. Miss Fizzy

    I had to add my own after reading all4naija’s comments.

    Dude what exactly are you trying to say here? I don’t understand you.

    “First and foremost, I believe that is Sugarbelle major problem – it’s very certained from the post. I would advise you to tone your skin quickly before you lost the race for the right sweet black man.”

    WTF are you saying? It appears that you are substantiating all of Sugarbelly’s allegations in just that paragraph and I hope I am never unfortunate enough to come across you or anyone like you. You need to check that inflated sense of importance at the door and understand one thing:

    Dark skinned women with any kind of self respect will not wallow in misery because the likes of you turned them down. Heck you won’t even get a chance, we have too much pride.

    Sugarbelly, this is an interesting if oft-repeated topic and while I don’t agree with everything you say, you do make valid points. I didn’t mean to focus on All4naija’s comment, but his response irked me. He has a right to his own opinion and I do apologise if I screwed that up, but it had to be said.

    I’ve spoken to black men that date white girls and asked the reason for their preference. I’ve gotten the same response more than once: the give good head, they’re less drama, they’re more submissive and easier to get around… oh and they’re freakier in bed.

    SMH… but still, none of these guys would ever bring a white girl home to mum, if they do, the motive behind it is not pure.

    I’ve completely lost my train of thought…

    No one can ever put you down because of physical attributes that you have no control over if you don’t let them. The whole light skin/dark skin debate has been going on for decades (add the good hair and bad hair ish to that) but I’ll always hold firm to my belief that each group is made up of individuals and the actions of each individual will dictate the outcome for a group as a whole.

    If every dark skinned woman decided to hold her head up and reject the stigma of “ugly” that hangs over them, other people will have no choice but to believe it because this is what they project to the world.

    But I may just be looking at the world through rose coloured glasses…

  18. SweetBonita

    i agree with every word of this, 110%. I’m new to your blog and reading back through the archives, so i’m not sure if this comment will be seen by you, but I just wanted to cosign on how true this really is!

  19. Jafar

    Firstly, i have to say that you pidgeonhole the african woman. you may not realize it but you are also responsible for propagating the very stereotypes against your fellow woman, that you so claim to despise. I have been led to believe that you think all african women look the same and have the same physical attributes and that if they don’t they either changed it or are mixed in some way. Granted many african women do but to think ALL do is a disservice to them and quite unfair. I am an african male from morocco and my girlfriend is nigerian. I was actually surprised to find during our travels together that her hair is 100% natural- but it gets interesting, it is more kinky with humidity, but wavy in temperate climates. she doesn’t like extension braids as she doesnt have the patience to get them done but somedays she does bantu knots with her natural hair, and twists and quirky braids that fall down the sides of her haid and dons a hat/caps. she looks different everytime and gets stares ALL the time. she is not mixed in the way we understand the word today, but with her sense of humour she likes to point out that every human being is mixed to some degree if you consider our australopithecus origins.. her skin is a deep ebony tone and she has more of an athletic build no matter how much she eats. she has very few curves and speaks edo and yoruba in a way that turns me on like no other. i love this woman but because my skin is lighter, people assume we’re the epitome of all things wrong with an interracial stereotype. random strangers would ask her what she used to relax her hair when she’s never smelt the thing in her life. This bothers me more than it does her because i hate that ppl just assume things about her and about myself without really being knowledgeable about much to begin with. If a woman’s self esteem is low, she has a part in it being allowed to happen to her. I agree with Maat on the self love and self acceptance note..But I want to add that it has to be geniune and not as a bid to prove anything to anyone or to even to yourself. My gf was very skeptical when we started dating because she wondered if my light skin meant more than just light skin.. that is, if I was interested in her because of the fetishization of black women by certain caucasian looking males. When I was offended that she would think such about me,she asked me to read some works by Frantz Fanon and it has helped me to understand how a lot of what you say is true and how a lot of what you say is also very misleading and misguided. I recommend you also check them out. Start with “Black Skin, White Masks” if you can. kudos to you though for having the courage to put your ideas out there in a public forum. I only ask you try to see different perspectives and realities before giving one size fits all explanations and be a little kinder to yourself. you’ll find you won’t subconsciously dismiss other african women the way you have. Forgive my tone if it came off strong, but this is a very emotional topic for many africans.. men and women alike. We’re in this struggle together.
    Peace! 🙂

  20. Pinkauto

    Hi my first time here, and as a dark skinned African woman who rocks natural hair and is a plus size, i have been told by my fellow African men that i am ugly but i have had a lot more black, white, Asian friends and strangers say i am beautiful. I think this trend of light skinned women in videos has hit the entire Africa and the American racial issues are slowly but surely reaching us, as a child, i never heard of darker women being ugly and the lighter ones pretty. This topic of light vs dark has to end already but with the media it might take a while. Love your blog!

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