One Pill Makes You Larger, and One Pill Makes You Small

I did some backyard snooping. If you read this blog earlier, you’ll know Bakura is supposed to be here now……………………. and we were supposed to be together. I guess I deserved what I got. His friend just signed out now. He had to run, he had a train to catch. So before he did, I asked him if Bakura was still staying with him in London, and he says “No, he’s staying at his chick’s place”.

I’m lying here in this dark room, across the ocean, and I can’t breathe.

I know I said I was over him. I know what I said, but…

Bakura is at his girlfriend’s house.

I feel really ill all of a sudden. It’s 2 in the morning, and I am dreading sleeping because then I will face him, and my brain will force me to endure it’s own sick version of what is hurting me, complete with a full cast of characters and complicated subplots and scenes to make my torture even sweeter. In the next room the people I am staying with are having sex.

The walls are thin here.
I can hear every moan, every creak of the mattress, every pant and groan, every whispered word. I am trying not to think it, but I feel the thought clawing its way to the front of my mind.

Bakura, my Bakura, no I’m sorry, I can’t call him that. Not for this post. I’ll change it later and hope that not too many people have seen the truth, but now the tears well up in my eyes as I type and my throat has sealed off all air.

My Bakura, my love, my heart, my soul, is with someone else tonight; in London wakes up with someone else, someone he held through the night and whispered love words to. Another girl has been given what I am dying slowly for.

It hurts so. This pain is threatening to asphyxiate me. I can’t bear the moans coming through the wall. I can’t bear to sleep. I can’t bear to stop typing because I’m afraid to be alone with myself. He’s holding someone else… not me. He’s lying next to someone else.. .not me. And I can’t stop crying. No matter how I whisper to myself “Baby, don’t cry. Not now, I know it hurts but hold back”.. I can’t.

If I should die before I wake
It’s cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air

don’t want to be here. I don’t want to cry, but I am. I’m scared. I can’t sleep here alone tonight. All I want right now in the world is to be with Bakura. He held me one morning when I was scared. And he kissed my forehead as he held me to him and said he wouldn’t let anything hurt me.

I wish he would hold me again… but he’s holding someone else, and I feel so lost without him. If I stop chewing my gum… it will be one less thing to distract me from remembering.. because I remember everything… I remember every word he ever said to me. I remember the day he tricked me into taking his number, I remember the very first time he kissed me. I remember saying ‘I love you’ and him laughing then kissing me. The sound of his voice haunts me. It’s like his face is tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. It felt magical when I was with him, because I was his…. I remember meeting his little brothers, how enchanted I was by them. I remember the first time with him… in his car, parked down a dark street in Asokoro. I was terrified but he was gentle, careful.. I held my breath against the sharp, tearing pain..

Now I’m forgotten.. an old plaything tossed under the bed for a shiny new toy. My heart still beats out a tune for him; my body won’t respond to anyone else.. but he’s making love to someone else. Kissing someone else good morning as I type. She’s probably making him breakfast now. Oh God, I feel so sad! I feel like I’m coming apart. I’m scared. I loved him God, why couldn’t he stay? Why couldn’t he be good to me? I was good to him. I loved him with everything, and now he’s here, loving someone else. And I stand here, an ocean away, my head bowed, salty, bitter tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping onto the wooden floor.

He promised me. Promised me he would come. A long time ago I told him I wasn’t sure that he loved me, and he looked at me with pain in his eyes. He said he was sad that I felt that way. I’m sad. Forlorn really. Baby, I loved you more than I have loved anything else. I thought about you every single moment we were apart. I spent nights counting down the days.. waiting for you.. dreaming dreams about seeing you again. I feel so, so sad. I have no words to describe what I feel. My head hurts, my heart hurts.

The girl in the next room is crying now. I wish I could cry with her. I’m sorry for babbling. I’m 5ft 11 inches tall, but right now I feel so small. Something in the back of my mind I can’t get rid of. … a little voice..

… maybe if I was Hausa not Igbo.. maybe I’d have a chance with him then

… maybe if I was smaller, fine boned, beautiful, maybe if I had a slimmer nose, maybe I should pierce my nose, maybe I should turn tricks for a few nights to earn some money.. I know some guys that want to touch me… I should make them pay..

….maybe there’s some sort of surgery I can do

…. can noone help me????

The girl in the next room is crying, and my ear is pressed to the wall. I am feeding off her pain. They make love all night usually, the couple next door, but tonight they are fighting, and I am a bit happy. Someone at least can share in my pain, and maybe take it away. Perhaps their relationship is over. I really, really, hope so. Oh God please let him say to her the things Bakura said to me. Oh, my baby. Part of me is his. He claimed right to my body first, and it will always call out to him… but I want her to suffer. Please let her suffer… because it helps my pain. Sleep is futile. He waits for me in my dreams, and I am terrified to go to him because he waits patiently, promising pain.

Please hold me… I can’t feel my heart anymore… I think I’m going numb

There are 19 comments

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  1. ibiluv

    babe………just take it one day at a tyme……..if anyone is meant for you,they never pass you by….someone else will come ur way soon………..

  2. nosa101

    I might come off as mean for ths but you seriously need to move the fuck on… seriously…gettting hung over a guy this much is doing nothing but keeping you from finding someone else……go look yourself in the mirror and say, “Fuck that!!! I deserve better than this shit”

    No guy on earth should ever make you depressed….like no fucking guy….move on…put yourself back on the market or channel your energies into something like Barcelagos

  3. Smaragd

    i’ve been there.

    pple say move on and it angers u cuz u think “dont they understand that i want to, but i just effing cant!?”

    the truth is u have to. it took me two years+ to finally get it in my head that i was pining for a lost cause!

    a la moody crab, this too shall pass!!!.

  4. Sting

    I understand how u feel. No words would probably make u feel better right now, but just remember this soon shall pass. By this time next yr you would not be talking about this Bakura person. Trust me. Time eases the pain.

  5. Anonymous

    gosh what can i say; i hate that u feel this way… i dont even know u but i just feel so upset about this.

    why are ‘some’ guys so, so …
    it sucks rite now, but u will be fine… as cliche as this is u will be okay.

    do not ever , ever second guess ur beeauty or value or uniquness. girl u are all that and more! never let anyone make u doubt just how amazing and truly special u are. u hear me.

    the guy is so not worth this, but right now this is the only realse ur heart will know… to be real with u, u would feel this for months maybe a year…

    but u will be over this. whtr anothr bloke says ‘wassup’ or not is not the point.

    is you knowing who u are and never, ever selling urself short!!

    ur n my prayers.

  6. tobenna

    Damn, you write well, girl.
    Cry all you want about this and get it over with.
    Move on.
    Life is too special to spend too much time on this.

    Hope you are ok now?

  7. Nine

    Lady,this is masochistic,self destructive behaviour.A wound does not heal if you keep picking at it.To paraphrase nosa101,he’s not worth it.

    You NEED to move on.Alternatively,pour your energy into work.Anything but this.

  8. Jarrai

    I had goose bumps reading this. I know how it feels to be broken…its unimaginable pain. You feel alone and small. Its a dark place to be.

    But sweetheart you have to realise that he loved you once for a reason,because you are beautiful and unigue and kind and creative and all the things you may think right now you are not.

    Please, take it easy. Every pain no matter how deep heals. Give yourself time, cry to let out the hurt. You need to step out there and rise over this.

    Things will get better…take it hour by hour, day by day. Please take heart, don’t be buried by this.(big hugs).

  9. chi-grace

    Girlfriend!!! Wake Up!! Snap out of it!!
    Omo, you too big for this kind shit…we all fall, but what makes us different is the ability to stand up, dust our bodies and keep walking.
    There are loads of Bakuras out there, are we going to let them stop the clock of our lives just because of a relationship that wasnt meant to be….HELL NO!!!!
    Now is the time for you to throw yourself into your business….go on dates but leave your heart at home…love yourself like its going out of fashion…be grateful to Bakura for walking out, he did you a favour.

  10. sugabelly

    @ibiluv: I wish people not meant for me wouldn’t mess with me.. honestly.

    nosa101: You have the unique capacity for emotional detachment that only men possess. I can’t just blot him out of my life, it is HARD. I haven’t spoken to him or had any contact with him since we split, but every day is far more painful than you can imagine. I see pictures of him everywhere, I know all his friends.. it sucks

    @Moody Crab: Amen

    @smaragd: I’m glad you understand. It’s horrible.

    @Ms. Emmotions: I’m trying.

    @Sting: The next time I see Bakura, I’m going to take him down.

    @today’s ranting: I’m trying to pamper myself, but I’m dieting so it’s not that easy, but the few moments of peace I get do help though.

    @anonymous: I know he’s not worth it, which is what makes feeling this way even more maddening.

    @tobenna: thanks, trust me, I cry.

    @nine: Maybe I do have a problem with pain. When he called, to say the evil he said, I shaved my head and dug my fingers into my thighs until they bled.

    @jarrai: You’re right, I am broken, and what’s sad is that even when I heal, it will never be like it was when I was whole. There will be a bumpy scar running through the center of my heart. 🙁

    @Chi-Grace: There are loads of men out there. But there is only one Bakura. And now I have to trade my Bakura for a man, like a child pawning her beloved Cabbage Patch Kid for a Barbie. I still love the rag-doll more.

  11. Anonymous

    Hello Love,

    I feel your pain but you’ll be fine, time heals all things and hopefully time will heal you and you will meet the right man for you.

  12. ìnk

    you need to allow urself to open up to someone else. he has moved on. it sucks. i know how this feels. but u need to face reality- he doesnt want you… find someone who does… i know there are many… just let one or 2 in…
    dont doom yourself to eternal heartbreak!
    *even when I heal, it will never be like it was when I was whole.*
    tsk tsk… U need to be as decisive in ur love life as u r in ur business life… or even more so… cos ur love life has the power to affect every other aspect- school etc etc. youre no longer a kid, and so on ur destination to adulthood u need to burn that fuckin rag doll cos its making ur suitcase unnecessarily heavy.
    i say this with so much love oooo!

  13. bumight

    I hope you’re over him as I type. i remember a time I was feeling like this (I feel embarassed sef), my sister said something: if I have friends, real friends, I shoul let them cheer me up.

    If you built your world around him, then u are bound to feel like this for a while. Especially for someone who doesnt deserve you, having people around helps.

    and if you dont, there’s always blogsville…

  14. Anonymous

    You have such an amazingly powerful writing voice. Too emotionally consumed by the wonderfully ugly picture you have painted, I find myself with no time, energy or room for making judgments

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