One Pill Makes You Larger, and One Pill Makes You Small
I did some backyard snooping. If you read this blog earlier, you’ll know Bakura is supposed to be here now……………………. and we were supposed to be together. I guess I deserved what I got. His friend just signed out now. He had to run, he had a train to catch. So before he did, I asked him if Bakura was still staying with him in London, and he says “No, he’s staying at his chick’s place”.
I’m lying here in this dark room, across the ocean, and I can’t breathe.
I know I said I was over him. I know what I said, but…
Bakura is at his girlfriend’s house.
I feel really ill all of a sudden. It’s 2 in the morning, and I am dreading sleeping because then I will face him, and my brain will force me to endure it’s own sick version of what is hurting me, complete with a full cast of characters and complicated subplots and scenes to make my torture even sweeter. In the next room the people I am staying with are having sex.
The walls are thin here. I can hear every moan, every creak of the mattress, every pant and groan, every whispered word. I am trying not to think it, but I feel the thought clawing its way to the front of my mind.
Bakura, my Bakura, no I’m sorry, I can’t call him that. Not for this post. I’ll change it later and hope that not too many people have seen the truth, but now the tears well up in my eyes as I type and my throat has sealed off all air.
My Bakura, my love, my heart, my soul, is with someone else tonight; in London wakes up with someone else, someone he held through the night and whispered love words to. Another girl has been given what I am dying slowly for.
It hurts so. This pain is threatening to asphyxiate me. I can’t bear the moans coming through the wall. I can’t bear to sleep. I can’t bear to stop typing because I’m afraid to be alone with myself. He’s holding someone else… not me. He’s lying next to someone else.. .not me. And I can’t stop crying. No matter how I whisper to myself “Baby, don’t cry. Not now, I know it hurts but hold back”.. I can’t.
It’s cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to cry, but I am. I’m scared. I can’t sleep here alone tonight. All I want right now in the world is to be with Bakura. He held me one morning when I was scared. And he kissed my forehead as he held me to him and said he wouldn’t let anything hurt me.
I wish he would hold me again… but he’s holding someone else, and I feel so lost without him. If I stop chewing my gum… it will be one less thing to distract me from remembering.. because I remember everything… I remember every word he ever said to me. I remember the day he tricked me into taking his number, I remember the very first time he kissed me. I remember saying ‘I love you’ and him laughing then kissing me. The sound of his voice haunts me. It’s like his face is tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. It felt magical when I was with him, because I was his…. I remember meeting his little brothers, how enchanted I was by them. I remember the first time with him… in his car, parked down a dark street in Asokoro. I was terrified but he was gentle, careful.. I held my breath against the sharp, tearing pain..
Now I’m forgotten.. an old plaything tossed under the bed for a shiny new toy. My heart still beats out a tune for him; my body won’t respond to anyone else.. but he’s making love to someone else. Kissing someone else good morning as I type. She’s probably making him breakfast now. Oh God, I feel so sad! I feel like I’m coming apart. I’m scared. I loved him God, why couldn’t he stay? Why couldn’t he be good to me? I was good to him. I loved him with everything, and now he’s here, loving someone else. And I stand here, an ocean away, my head bowed, salty, bitter tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping onto the wooden floor.
He promised me. Promised me he would come. A long time ago I told him I wasn’t sure that he loved me, and he looked at me with pain in his eyes. He said he was sad that I felt that way. I’m sad. Forlorn really. Baby, I loved you more than I have loved anything else. I thought about you every single moment we were apart. I spent nights counting down the days.. waiting for you.. dreaming dreams about seeing you again. I feel so, so sad. I have no words to describe what I feel. My head hurts, my heart hurts.
The girl in the next room is crying now. I wish I could cry with her. I’m sorry for babbling. I’m 5ft 11 inches tall, but right now I feel so small. Something in the back of my mind I can’t get rid of. … a little voice..
… maybe if I was Hausa not Igbo.. maybe I’d have a chance with him then
… maybe if I was smaller, fine boned, beautiful, maybe if I had a slimmer nose, maybe I should pierce my nose, maybe I should turn tricks for a few nights to earn some money.. I know some guys that want to touch me… I should make them pay..
….maybe there’s some sort of surgery I can do
…. can noone help me????
The girl in the next room is crying, and my ear is pressed to the wall. I am feeding off her pain. They make love all night usually, the couple next door, but tonight they are fighting, and I am a bit happy. Someone at least can share in my pain, and maybe take it away. Perhaps their relationship is over. I really, really, hope so. Oh God please let him say to her the things Bakura said to me. Oh, my baby. Part of me is his. He claimed right to my body first, and it will always call out to him… but I want her to suffer. Please let her suffer… because it helps my pain. Sleep is futile. He waits for me in my dreams, and I am terrified to go to him because he waits patiently, promising pain.
Please hold me… I can’t feel my heart anymore… I think I’m going numb