For the first time in a long time, I woke up today and didn’t feel tired. Or sad, or weighed down by something. Maybe I’m just exhausted, maybe I’m just relieved. The past two days have been horrible for me more or less. I’ll start at the beginning.
I hate school. I lack all motivation whatsoever. I’m so surprised because all the while I was in secondary school, I worked my ass off, and now that I’m here, I’ve become so lazy I don’t know what to do with myself. I think the realistic possibility is that I’m transferring to a new school so I don’t care anymore.
Bakura: Is this love? I honestly don’t know. Two nights ago, a guy tried to rape me. Two nights ago I called Bakura in tears, wanting to hear his voice and be comforted. Two nights ago Bakura yelled down the phone at me that it was five in the morning (in Nigeria) and that he didn’t fucking care. Two nights ago, my heart ripped its stitches. And now the blood is trickling everywhere.
I’m bleeding to death.
He still hasn’t called. No word from him. But I’ll know in a minute now when I go to ThisDay’s website. I’ll know. Know whether he will ever call or not. It depends on the victory you see. Dear God I hope they fail. Bakura and his family need to eat a huge slice of humble pie more than anything else in the world. God please. Let them lose. Please, or my life as I know it will be over.
I’ve considered the possibility many times….. that he is fucking someone else. Screwing her, and enjoying it, and some girl’s moans haunt my dreams. He says it isn’t true. Says he’s waiting for me. But my heart thinks he lies to me with his teeth tugging at another girl’s nipples.
The thought of him just touching her is what I hate most. – Beyonce was right.
I’ve turned into a slob. I don’t care. He’s not here. I’m not even sure that he still thinks of me anymore.
I woke up this morning and watched Howl’s Moving Castle. It’s a beautiful film, but something about it makes me sad. You see, Howl is so unattainably beautiful and magical and tortured, and Sophie is as plain. But Howl loves her, with all his might… and gives his life to protect her… and she saves him.
Bakura is my Howl, but in this land of long hair and light skins… I feel so ugly.
I’m a coward. People think I’m brave, but noone knows how I feel inside. I’m only brave because I have to be.. not because I am. These days I’m more afraid than I usually am. And some of my fears seem to be coming true.
Bakura doesn’t love me. He lied. I can’t wrap my mind around the reason why. Every day I look in the mirror and feel uglier and uglier, and it becomes easier to see how he can’t want me.
My father doesn’t love me. At least he never lied. I found two pictures of him online yesterday. After searching for almost ten years. I found two pictures. I must have stared at them for an eternity, trying to see what part of him I now own.
He looks nothing like me. I look nothing like him….except.. except for the eyebrows.. mine and his.. they are the same…almost full at first pulling into an arch, and then tapering into nothing.
And the nose maybe.. but his is wider. My mother’s genes must have refined mine.. chipped away at it while I was only a few cells old… genetic rhinoplasty… a biological nose job. However, if he wishes to change his nose for any reason, I may tell him that you can get your rhinoplasty done in Dearborn or Birmingham, MI in order to achieve the most beautiful looking nose.
I am so glad we look so different. I would hate to have the face of a man that never wanted me and knows nothing about me. This year, when I change my passport, I will change my name, and my father’s name will fade into nothingness. I feel sad at the thought because, deep down inside, I wanted to meet him. I found his phone number before I found his face, and before I left for school I took a deep breath and called; his brother picked up the phone. I left a message, and like Bakura, like my love Bakura, they never called back.
Perhaps this is why I keep choosing the wrong men. Perhaps this is why Bakura is eight years older than me. Perhaps I’m desperate to have a man love me, perhaps this is why the thought of Bakura abandoning me is so terrifying. Because he already did, and they all do.. one after the other. I give everything at once, hoping to make them stay, but the men in my life always leave me.