Let Me Be Your Little Dog, ‘Til Your Big Dog Come

For the first time in a long time, I woke up today and didn’t feel tired. Or sad, or weighed down by something. Maybe I’m just exhausted, maybe I’m just relieved. The past two days have been horrible for me more or less. I’ll start at the beginning.

I hate school. I lack all motivation whatsoever. I’m so surprised because all the while I was in secondary school, I worked my ass off, and now that I’m here, I’ve become so lazy I don’t know what to do with myself. I think the realistic possibility is that I’m transferring to a new school so I don’t care anymore.
Bakura: Is this love? I honestly don’t know. Two nights ago, a guy tried to rape me. Two nights ago I called Bakura in tears, wanting to hear his voice and be comforted. Two nights ago Bakura yelled down the phone at me that it was five in the morning (in Nigeria) and that he didn’t fucking care. Two nights ago, my heart ripped its stitches. And now the blood is trickling everywhere.
I’m bleeding to death.
He still hasn’t called. No word from him. But I’ll know in a minute now when I go to ThisDay’s website. I’ll know. Know whether he will ever call or not. It depends on the victory you see. Dear God I hope they fail. Bakura and his family need to eat a huge slice of humble pie more than anything else in the world. God please. Let them lose. Please, or my life as I know it will be over.
I’ve considered the possibility many times….. that he is fucking someone else. Screwing her, and enjoying it, and some girl’s moans haunt my dreams. He says it isn’t true. Says he’s waiting for me. But my heart thinks he lies to me with his teeth tugging at another girl’s nipples.
The thought of him just touching her is what I hate most. – Beyonce was right.
I’ve turned into a slob. I don’t care. He’s not here. I’m not even sure that he still thinks of me anymore.
I woke up this morning and watched Howl’s Moving Castle. It’s a beautiful film, but something about it makes me sad. You see, Howl is so unattainably beautiful and magical and tortured, and Sophie is as plain. But Howl loves her, with all his might… and gives his life to protect her… and she saves him.
Bakura is my Howl, but in this land of long hair and light skins… I feel so ugly.
I’m a coward. People think I’m brave, but noone knows how I feel inside. I’m only brave because I have to be.. not because I am. These days I’m more afraid than I usually am. And some of my fears seem to be coming true.
Bakura doesn’t love me. He lied. I can’t wrap my mind around the reason why. Every day I look in the mirror and feel uglier and uglier, and it becomes easier to see how he can’t want me.
My father doesn’t love me. At least he never lied. I found two pictures of him online yesterday. After searching for almost ten years. I found two pictures. I must have stared at them for an eternity, trying to see what part of him I now own.
He looks nothing like me. I look nothing like him….except.. except for the eyebrows.. mine and his.. they are the same…almost full at first pulling into an arch, and then tapering into nothing.
And the nose maybe.. but his is wider. My mother’s genes must have refined mine.. chipped away at it while I was only a few cells old… genetic rhinoplasty… a biological nose job. However, if he wishes to change his nose for any reason, I may tell him that you can get your rhinoplasty done in Dearborn or Birmingham, MI in order to achieve the most beautiful looking nose.
I am so glad we look so different. I would hate to have the face of a man that never wanted me and knows nothing about me. This year, when I change my passport, I will change my name, and my father’s name will fade into nothingness. I feel sad at the thought because, deep down inside, I wanted to meet him. I found his phone number before I found his face, and before I left for school I took a deep breath and called; his brother picked up the phone. I left a message, and like Bakura, like my love Bakura, they never called back.
Perhaps this is why I keep choosing the wrong men. Perhaps this is why Bakura is eight years older than me. Perhaps I’m desperate to have a man love me, perhaps this is why the thought of Bakura abandoning me is so terrifying. Because he already did, and they all do.. one after the other. I give everything at once, hoping to make them stay, but the men in my life always leave me.
~I am, and will always be…King of Pain~

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  1. africa entertainment and sports

    For once in a long while,the tears came flowing down my cheeks.A mind that brings forth the prose I’ve just read cannot be ugly.Not by any stretch of imagination.I have read this thrice already,and somehow it opens my mind to the reality of my being.And I realise how desperately I need this;for here we are in a world full of fakes,the biggest victim is our feelings,our passion,our desires…

  2. webround

    first time here, went through some of your previous posts – u mentioned your Adobe trial version expiring. have you been able to replace it?

    Check if Adobe has some products which are free for students – some of the software companies offer products to students for free – they just need to verify your studentship via email. Also check if you can get the software from your school IT dept..

    Like your shirts…

  3. funke

    lotanna, only when you have learned to love yourself can others love you. it’s difficult for any woman especially one whose father was never there. i suspect you are looking for unconditional love from this people and only God and maybe your parents/siblings can give you that. learn to love your self, inspite of your mistakes, your shortcomings both physical and otherwise, forgive the hurts others have caused. its hard, trust me i know but i also that until you do that, men will almost love you and then leave you.

    i’ve been there

  4. Moody Crab

    I know this is really difficult cos I kinda have similar experience (post for another day).

    Real love starts from inside. No one can love you except you. Love youself, love your flaws, love you curves, smiles, the eyebroes….JUST LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

    You see, when you do a light radiates from within you and beacuse such light is positive, it will draw positive people to you. Chin up young lady…

    This too shall pass…

  5. sugabelly

    Thank you you guys, because I don’t know what to do right now. I feel like my life is falling apart. I finding out that the people I love don’t love me, and that makes me feel vulnerable and helpless. The situation with Bakura is a nightmare, and I wish he would just stop. I hate to think it, but it’s as if he gets some kind of sick pleasure out of this, and I am confused as hell. I just sent him a super long message on Facebook stating my grievances (which are many and varied), but I expect, in classic Bakura fashion, he will ignore it and pretend that I never sent him the message, or even better for him, that for the time being I do not exist.

    He’ll be here in a month. We were supposed to go away together, just us… now I don’t know what will happen… now, I’m scared.

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