Things Noone Tells You About NYSC Camp

There is nowhere to pee without at least ten men seeing you.

Men seem to outnumber women in university education. My camp is two thirds male.

Camp Officials and Soldiers are all on a permanent Power Trip.

I saw a soldier slap a girl for absolutely no reason my second day here.

Students that went to school in Nigeria are unable to answer even the simplest question without long winded and unnecessary introductions and definitions.

(Question: What is your name?

Nigerian Student: A name is a type of noun that is used to identify a person, therefore…blah blah blah…. My name is lalalala)

An alarmingly large number of students that went to school in Nigeria (or at least the ones in this camp) seem to have little or no grasp of the English language.

How the hell did they graduate then?? This is the never ending mystery.

There are no toilets in this camp. Noone is pooing. I’ve gone once since I’ve been here and I had to sneak out of camp to a field across the road and sit on a bucket I’d spread a large nylon bag over.

Sitting there under the stars, wondering what I was doing with my life in this God forsaken camp, my reverie was broken by a soldier flashing his torch light on my naked bum and demanding to know what I was doing there.

At this point, I didn’t even give a shit anymore (no pun intended ) so I confessed what I was doing and he had no choice but to tell me to carry on.

I know from personal experience, that this does not apply to all Nigerian men, and quite possibly not to all Nigerian men that went to school in Nigeria, but I’m working with what I see in front of me, and with the exception of perhaps ten people, all the people in this camp attended uni here.

The men in this camp know NOTHING about chasing / talking to girls.

They have no game. None. zero. Swag minus hundred.

How can you tell me you “love for sucking big breasts” and expect me to be impressed??????

To be continued. The internet here is practically non existent.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

28 Comments

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Nutty J.

    Hahahahahaha!!! Hopefully it would get better after your three weeks is up and you are out of the camp.

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Real8

    Ohhhhh nooooo. Ure having a horrible time. So so so sad. Where’s ur camp? Weren’t you giving the chance to choose where u’ll like to serve? In my time I had the opportunity to chose part of the benefits of being an internationally student. Although I came into the country a week before camp after ten years of being out, I had such a good time. Abuja camp wasn’t bad for me.
    Some of the things we did to make camp conducive were;
    Get stand by cleaners, who washed our bathrooms and toilets like seven times a day
    Get locks and keys for the toilets so no intruders come in.
    The cleaners also cleaned our dome everytime we were out
    Get permanent wash people that you can trust to wash your clothes.

    But then again that was my camp all that was conveniently manageable, am not sure the condition in which your camp is, you think you can manage with my little suggestion?

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Sabirah

    LOOOL @ zero swag. Gosh I’m kinda scared to go to camp

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    trae_z

    It appears you didn’t do much prep for camp? And being that you grew up in Naija i’d think you’d already know our toilet facilities culture is non existant. My own 3 weeks in camp in September 2006 Benue State was one of the best periods of my life. A melting pot of culture and meeting so many different people. Just look at the positives and hang with the cool crowd around you. YOLO baby!

    • Reply November 15, 2012

      Anonymous

      LMAO, your comment is very very funny…camp was one of the best periods of your life? and please YOLO does not apply here o…how can she yolo pooping in the field and a solider flashing torch light at her bum? loool. I disagree.

    • Reply November 15, 2012

      trae_z

      Ok she should kill herself then. Happy now?

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Sir Farouk

    Sorry dear you are having an awful time.

    I think there is a second culture shock encountered by folk who return from a sojourn in obodo oyibo. Its been 2 years since I first moved back and I m still surprised by certain things. The peak of the culture shock is typically the NYSC period and the camp experience.

    I did not want to garner any attention so I kind took camp as a study of the Nigerian student.

    Dont you think you are being a bit elistist. Should you blame the products of a flawed educational system for being flawed or do you appreciate the fact that these people made the best of a dismal situation? I choose the latter and even beyond that I chose to see the potential in Nigerian graduates.

    As for the lack of game, its a ying and yang thing. The men have been conditioned to have no game by the material nature of the Nigerian dating game, if you were told all you need to do is flash a few million and get anyone you want would you ever develop game?

    That said, I hope you survive the ordeal of camp and it doesnt mentally drain you. I ll say a prayer for you. :)

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    abokishop

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…..ur so funny u almost killed me with when the soldier flashed his torch light on ur bum, OMG! and the pun, intended or not intened, was the icing on the cake…lmao!..u will not kill someone *cleaning tears from laughter from eyes*….and about the gamelessness of the dudes in the camp….totally true, if they are not from lagos….cos everywhere in naija apart from lag u will find large amounts of gameless,lack of good english speaking dudes…lagos is like the highest point of evolution in naija….even the bus conductors have got game…..lol…u will be fine with a mind like urs and charisma? that camp will soon come to know her royal highness SUGABELLY….and they should have a radio station try working there, u might like it….that is if they have a radio station…

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Toinlicious

    Ah, nysc memories. Don’t even get me started hehehe

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Docia

    Hahahahhaha, so interesting and funny. I pray you spend a year more there. Can’t wait to read the conclusion. First time here and following, hope you don’t mind following me.

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Adura Ojo (Naijalines)

    Pele o, Sugabelly. Oh sugar! (No pun intended.) I’m surprised you still have eyes to see men who have minus hundred swag, lol. My NYSC was a zillion years ago and I had so much fun. Our camp commandment was a darling (not literally o). Everyone loved him. I guess the soldiers had no choice but to follow his example. Thank God that soldier didn’t grab your bum sha. He would have got more than a handful!

    On a more serious note, things seem to be getting from bad to worse in that country. How can they have a camp without any toilets? No health & Safety or public health awareness whatsoever. In years to come, it will become one of those funny stories you’ll tell the younger generation.

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Beautiful

    loooooool hahahahahahahahahahahaha omg LOL!!!!!

    I served in 2009 and didn’t poop AT ALL till i went back home after the 3 weeks on camp.

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    A-9ja-Great

    So basically you hate your camp.You should see my post on NYSc.I hated it from day 1 till the end.It wasn’t as if it was that bad,but my mindset made it bad for me.It’s sounding as if you were posted to the north cos i know western and southern guy reek of style and can turn you to Kim K by merely talking to you.Anyway,sorry you hear! LOL

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Prism of an Immigrant

    E yah.. pele.

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Anonymous

    I came back to read cos it’s funny. Not that I’m laughing at you o. Then I saw my earlier scrawl: ‘camp commandment.’ Na commandant o. Hahahaha. Anyway, lift your spirits with some akpu and orisirisi. Abi dem no get that one too?

    Adura Ojo Naijalines x

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    Mikki

    omg… I can’t with this post. i think from boarding school, i feel your pain. limit your augar while your there. wouldnt want you to get jedijedi at this time…

    best of luck.

  • Reply November 15, 2012

    mizchif

    I’m sorry, but i have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. This comment is actually meant for the post after this one.
    Ndo you hia.
    I’m fully convinced NYSC is not meant for me. I doubt that i will even attempt it.
    More power to you.

  • Reply November 17, 2012

    Anonymous

    Lol. This too shall pass. I was so miserable in camp and identify with every single thing you said… and I did mine 12 years ago. In the end you will just have memories to laugh about.

  • Reply November 19, 2012

    Anonymous

    elitist? for saying the truth about lazy vocabulary of graduates? free speech sucks sometimes

  • Reply November 19, 2012

    Anonymous

    A few other things you need to pass on to prospective entrants to CAMP:

    1. many of ur co-graduates are petty thieves. Keep an eye on your money and valuables (down to the very panties on you)

    2. Sex is the greatest escape from harsh reality. And many men have figured this out. If you must escape, choose ur partner smartly (as opposed to some random monstrosity that your skin’ll crawl at in friendlier settings). And if it’ll be hurtful to escape, stay locked down. 3 weeks never killed nobody.

    3. Girls still manage to look pretty and desirable. Even when they are unwashed and stinky. cunninglingus is lethal!

    4. Nigerian soldiers cant wait for a war or something. They are utterly drunk on power.

    5. Your belly fat wont go away from the joggin and marching. Stay focused on weight-loss even after you leave Camp

    6. Drinking up your alawee doesnt make you any less ambitious. kill the guilt

    7. In the face of invasive bunk-mates (on the inside) and prowling soldiers (on the outside); achieving masturbation should be celebrated

    8. Loving up that cute guy/girl is a major distraction. Get a job first. Meanwhile just have sex

    9. Marriage is no excuse for (8) above

    10. I’m sure you havent prayed for safety through it all yet…Now; kneel!

  • Reply November 20, 2012

    Adunnimi

    Sorry sugar belly for the awful time you’re having especially with the errm “business”. Just like anonymous 4.14 AM said this too shall pass ….. I served six years ago in Kaduna and just like trae_Z said i had a blast. I met people from so many parts of the country and it broadened my perspective as an individual. Of course at the time i had moments when i cried and moments that i wailed but somehow i was able to find good times both in camp and through the rest of the year and now when i look back i just laugh at the memories. In my time as well there were a lot of really lame guys….. in short lame people who would astound one by just opening their mouth…. but i also met a lot of really cool people and i think like minds sort of gravitate to each other so do not worry you will meet some really cool people in camp. Now i would like to give you advice on how to settle this “business” matter just in case you can’t get an exeat. Maybe you could (a )During the day scout around for a secure location for the business (b)Make friends with the food sellers at mammy and ask them. Whichever way works, i’m certain that in time you’ll remember your NYSC experience and laugh…… Have FUN!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply November 20, 2012

    Adunnimi

    hey Trae_z!!!!!!!!!. @ anonymous 6.03 pm i think what trae meant by his comment is that the NYSC experience is equal parts fun, enlightening, scary, tiring, frustrating and suffering. And that to enjoy NYSC one has to make up one’s mind to enjoy it. In NYSC you meet all sorts of people but once you’ve made up your mind , you laugh at the bores and silly ones, get surprised at the really crazy ones, laugh at the massive shelling, the accents of all types (Igbo, Yoruba and Hausa), and most importantly stick to the ones you have stuff in common and are cool with. The thing is you only experience NYSC once and you have to make up your mind to enjoy it.

  • Reply November 21, 2012

    trae_z

    Adunni my Adunniola Adunnimi. Longest time oh, Nice to catch up again. can see you’re still enjoying life post NYSC. O wu gbadun o. I’ve missed ya.

  • Reply November 23, 2012

    Anonymous

    lol. You sure say na camp you go?

  • Reply November 26, 2012

    Anonymous

    My NYSC camp was a while back and although I served in Lagos, I hated every single day of camp.It was one of the worst experiences of my life.The bathrooms were horrid and I did not even attempt to eat the crap they served in the dinning hall.I must admit I went to camp with a negative attitude.I did want to have fun, i did not partake in any activity and I refused to make friends.It is hard enough living in the comfort of your home when there is no light, now add an over crowded room of girls and smelly toilets.The last straw was when a room member decided to take a shit in the middle of the room IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.I briefly packed my bag and escaped through the bush and went home. Although I schooled in Unilag (always went from home though), I knew I was not built for that kin sufferhead. No be by force..ah!

    It is unfortunate that the Nigerian graduates you have met at camp cannot speak proper English.I went to college in Naija and many of the people I interacted with speak very good English. Still, it is sad that some of our graduates are no better than primary school students.The fact is that some people had a shitty primary school/Secondary education and no amount of tertiary education can salvage their poor foundation. I now live in the States, and I have met people who went to college here and even with their American degrees cannot speak proper English because of the poor primary and secondary school education they had back home.Some of us are just fortunate to have been exposed to quality education at a young age.The condescending tone you used to address the issue is quite unnecessary.For the most part, It is not their fault they cannot speak good English. Rather than looking down on them, we should be angry at the government for not giving everybody equal opportunity.

    Anyway, have fun with the demonic program called NYSC!!

  • Reply December 6, 2012

    bob-ij

    Bahahah! How did I miss this post? You had me at a name is a type of noun. lol. truth is, camo wasnt so horrific for me as I had a whole lot of friends at the Kubwa camp and I escaped on the weekends. I needed to wash off the camp smell.

    Lol at the bucket situation! When you’ve gotta go, you’ve got to gooooo!

    ~x~

  • Reply April 15, 2013

    Princeton

    Nobody said “it was gonna be easy!”

  • Reply June 29, 2014

    sandra

    I would like to say that i am currently in service now and i followed

    March batch A . I graduated last 2 years and when i was to serve i

    didn’t go cos i was posted to the north as in borno state for that

    matter , the centre of bokoharam bombings. So i stayed at home, and i

    contacted some officials to help me but they ate my money and nothing

    was done, early last year i met Mr Ayodele and i explained my situation

    to him , and how i was frauded , and he assured me and helped me, and

    when i checked my name on the correction list it appeared and i was

    posted exactly to the state i wanted to serve , I just want to thank

    him for helping me out. You can call him on 09031791184 for issues

    concerning NYSC.

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